OCTOBER 3, 2008

Round 7 Roundup (Damn it!!!)

Well, the good news is that I made it through another round of chemo with few problems. The combo of Tylenol and Advil seems to have made a huge difference in my response to the chemo, along with the forced bed rest and regular meals (thanks, Daddy!). I was able to eat some semblance of breakfast, lunch and dinner on all three chemo days, and while I wasn't the prettiest girl at the fall festival (insert sarcasm here), I made it through. Take that, cancer! 

However, the bad news that pretty much ruined my day on Thursday was that this was Round 7 of chemo, not Round 8. Because of the issues I had back in August with the hospital stay and the following treatment issues with fever, they want me to repeat a cycle, which means 13 cycles instead of 12, and that means that this whole damn chemo schedule gets pushed out 'til December. That just pissed me off to no end, I can tell you that. 

I was pretty upset yesterday - I think it was only the third time since I was diagnosed that I have cried about this whole thing. It's like the end of the tunnel, the proverbial light, was right there, within reach, and WHAP! It was yanked out of my reach. It's still there, but a bit dimmer than it was on Wednesday, when I still thought I was in round 8.

I guess the thing to remember is that things change, and that we have to do whatever we have to do to make sure we kick this cancer's ass. However, having now been in chemo for over 3 or 4 months, this whole thing is getting old. The treatments are starting to wear on me mentally as well as physically. I am feeling like an old lady, unable to do much of anything without assistance. I can't get up and go when I want to, mainly b/c I don't have the energy. I can't just do things that I mentally know I am capable of, b/c my damn body won't allow me to. This is probably the single most frustrating time of my life, b/c so few people can truly understand what it's like to feel this way. 

My family has been so supportive, but it's hard to hear "This is for the best" or "We have to do this to win this battle" when I am the one on the front line. I know that this is what I have to do. I get that, in my brain, I really do. I understand logically what needs to happen, why we have to repeat the cycle, etc. But, that doesn't mean that my heart is following suit. I think this is something that cancer patients deal with - the difference in opinion between their heart and their brain. It's a tough battle to deal with internally - you want to live life to its fullest, especially knowing that you have just been dealt a serious blow that could potentially shorten your time here on Earth. But, to prolong that time, you have to deal with the sickness, the gross feelings, the exhaustion, the pain, the suffering. All that to try to get to the other side. It's not an easy battle, that's for damn sure. 

So, while I am upbeat about being able to make it through yet another round of chemo without ending up in the ER, I am pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired, esp knowing it's going to be prolonged. But, again, I have to do it. What other choice is there? Giving up? Not an option.

Comments:

Jennifer Witham Buck / Graceful Expressions said...

You are right it's not an option... don't get ahead of yourself. You are more than 70% there. Focus on the successful treatments. Take it a day at a time. I know it has to be hard. But do what you have to do, one extra round of treatment may equal being cancer-free for the rest of your life. Don't focus on the numbers (funny how I can use that in this case when my doctors were telling me that while in treatment) focus on one day closer to being cancer free...
So we may have to push or vegas trip back a few weeks, big deal... We love you! (and I love seeing you on Facebook! Is it great?)

October 3, 2008 at 12:34 PM

 Amanda: said...

I'm sorry you have to repeat a round. I KNOW how important "the date of the last treatment" is, and it SUCKS when that gets pushed back. Keep on trucking. One day this will all be a memory :)

October 3, 2008 at 1:37 PM

SEPTEMBER 30, 2008

Round 8

Well, today starts round 8 of chemo. While I am still excited about being on Round 8 of 12, I don't think the anxiety and anticipation of chemo gets any less over time. For me, it seems that the uncertainty of each round (how will it affect me, will I get the fever issue again, will I be sick, will I have ANY energy this round) gets worse each time. I don't know that anything will help make this easier. I don't think it's supposed to get easier. I guess this just reminds me each time that I don't have control over this disease, just over how I handle it. And that, ladies and gentlemen, isn't easy for me to take. But, I understand it, and I accept it (sort of).

So, keep me in your thoughts. Send good wishes my way - anti-fever, anti-nausea, anti-cancer wishes. It's going to be a rough three days, but then, after three days, it's all over for two weeks. Isn't that the power of positive thinking?!?!

Comments:

Amanda: said...

Good luck! Hoping it's a breeze this time around :)

September 30, 2008 at 6:43 PM

SEPTEMBER 28, 2008

GREAT Drs Appt

I went to see Dr O (my oncologist)this week, for a check up and update on status, etc. We got some really good news! First, my blood work all looks REALLY good. I hope that means that the Neulasta shot is working! And, my CEA counts (tumor markers) are really low, which is another good sign. Again, this SHOULD mean that the cancer is having it's ass royally kicked by yours truly, and that I am winning this battle.

The other REALLY good thing that I found out is that I do not have to repeat the two missed 5-FU treatments (from the week I ended up in the hospital and the treatment after), assuming that I don't miss any more days of it. (Fingers and toes crossed here!) That means that, if my counts are right, my last chemotherapy treatment will be the week of Thanksgiving. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! Isn't that awesome? I am so excited. I am trying to be cautiously optimistic, b/c I know that this could change with any of the treatments, or if I get sick, etc. So, while I am happy to have this day on the horizon, I am also trying to be realistic.

We also used the word *remission* for the first time during this appointment. I asked her long-term what the plans are. She said that we would finish chemo, get a PET scan (to make sure there isn't anything else hanging out in my body), and once I get that cleared, get the port out. And, when I asked her if I am considered to be in remission when chemo is done, she smiled and said yes. OMG! What a feeling that was, to know that this point is in the foreseeable future. I am completely and totally ecstatic. Again, cautiously. But, still....

So, it was a great appointment. There is some confusion on exactly what round number I am on. I think what happened is that one of the chemo nurses assumed that Dr O would want me to make up the two missed 5-FU infusions, and modified my round number according to that assumption. But, since I don't (at this point) have to worry about that, I am going into this week as Round 8, which means that I will be working on being 3/4 done with chemo.

Unreal....isn't that GREAT news?!?!

My TWC presentation

I met Paula Hardison, the Executive Director of The Wellness Community here in Phoenix, about a month ago. I was at TWC for my weeky meeting, and had the chance to speak with her briefly. She was a wonderul person, kind, caring, and passionate about TWC and its mission. While we were talking, she asked me if I would come to the LEadership Council meeting and make a short 5-7 minute speech about my experience with TWC and its imact on my life. I assumed that this was a monthly meeting, about 5-10 people, etc. Nothing too big.

Nope. This week was the presentation, and it was quite the thing. I got to TWC early (I headed there after my drs appt) and was excited to see that the cooking demonstration they put on every Thursday was still happening, so I was able to get samples of the foods cooked. Yum! I met Kevin, the chef, and got a copy of his cancer cookbook, which I can't wait to start using. More on that in another post.

Anywhoo, after feasting on the tofu scrambled eggs, multi-colored salad (fresh beans, peppers, basil, tomatoes, and oranges - yum!), and rice ice cream and berry applesauce (to die for!), it was time to head to the meeting. I am not sure how people get involved with the Leadership Council or what it takes to become a member of this council, but the people that I met and was introduced to have all been touched personally by cancer. They were great people, and it was a pleasure talking with them.

Once the rounds of introductions were completed, Paula asked me to come up front. I had written some information down, lest I forget what I meant to say, but I really didn't need to look at it. I reviewed my story, and then told them how wonderful TWC has been in helping me with my recovery and treatment. I was able to share with them how TWC allows me to meet with other people who can sympathize with my issues, b/c they have been there or are there right now. And, I was able to share with them how TWC has helped my family by helping me. It was an honor to be able to speak with them, and the ovation I got helped the ego.

I just wanted to share this with you, and remind you that if you are personally dealing with cancer, either as a patient or as a caregiver, please consider going to your local Wellness Community. There is no obligation, no pressure, and no expectations. But, you will get support and assistance for dealing with your situation. And, you might make a new friend or two. Always a good thing in my book. :-)

Long term planning

Levi and I have been having discussions about what happens after chemo is done. One of the things that we have decided on it to modify our eating habits and to incorporate excercise more into out lives. This will mainly consist of cutting out red meat and eating a more plant-based diet, and planning more family walks, hikes, etc.

To this measure, I just bought the book, Anti-Cancer, from Costco. Dad bought "The Owner's Guide to You", another book, and said that this would be a great resource. I was just given a cookbook from the chef that does cooking classes at TWC, Kevin (book is called The Survivor's Handbook - eating right for cancer survival), and one of my managers is sending me a copy of a cookbook that he and his family use all the time (thanks again, Troy!).

If you have any recommendations on cookbooks, ideas on how to get more excercise into our busy lives, or how to get protein without eating meat, please, send them to me. This is going to be a change for us, but we are welcoming it with open arms. Anything we can do to try to avoid hearing the sentence "You have cancer" again is what we want to do. I want to know that I have done everything I can to try to give my body a fighting chance against any other rogue cancers that try to get started. Additionally, this will give Levi and the kids a head start against anything they might have to fight in the future.

What a life. I can't believe I am already starting to think about life after cancer. What a blessing. I didn't think I would make it this far. There were definitely times when I doubted my ability to make it to the end of chemo - now, I can start to think about life AFTER chemo. It's truly a change. And, exciting.

SEPTEMBER 21, 2008

The Wellness Community Zoo Event

Yesterday, Dad and I took the kids to The Wellness Community for a Phoenix Zoo Event. The Zoo-mobile came to TWC, and had a presentation with some animals. Let's see - what did they have there - a salamander, a king snake, a hedgehog, a millipede, and a raptor. It was awesome - I have some picture below. I was worried about the kids and how they would react, but they both seemed to really enjoy it. They even touched both the snake and the millipede, which I thought was pretty impressive.

Here are the pictures:

This is Dad and the kids watching the animals.

Kevin touching the king snake. This is a big deal for him b/c when he was about a year old, we saw a snake in the pet store, and he was, shall we say, less than enthusiastic about it.

Julia and the king snake.

This is the raptor that they had there. It was so cool - a huge bird that was rescued from the wild, and now spends its time making the rounds as the star of the show. 

Comments:

 wyldirsh123 said...

I just saw your new picture in the "I Will Win" t-shirt. I must say Michelle, you look great! After all you've been through, it's amazing. I read the blog every week to keep up on your progress. You're very inspiring. Keep up the good work, you're doing great! Mary "Murph"

September 22, 2008 at 6:37 AM

 Amanda: said...

I LOVE that pic of you in your shirt! What an inspiration you are, without even trying!!!

September 22, 2008 at 8:11 PM

SEPTEMBER 18, 2008

This round went....

...well. I mean, comparatively speaking, this round went well. I am exhausted and nauseous. I think those are my biggest two complaints this time 'round. Other than that, I am feeling okay. I was able to complete the entire round of chemo (woo!), and I consider that a huge success. I am still pretty tired today (the pump came out and I had my shot - ick), but I made it through. That's the biggest thing to me. The shot is causing some aching in my bones, but that's a normal side effect. 

What else? I think that's it. I joined Facebook recently. I didn't think I would ever do that, but now I am hooked. Darnit. Oh well - just another way to waste time. How am I going to keep up with all of this when I go back to school???

Comments:

Amanda: said...

I'm glad that your round was relatively easy! The occasional break makes the rest seem a little more bearable, I think.

You'll have fun with Facebook - I had to limit myself on it time-wise, lol. I'd never get anything else done if I didn't!!!

September 19, 2008 at 9:03 AM

 Ally said...

Hey Girl!! I am so happy to hear things are going well, considering! many hugs and prayers..you sounds strong and determined!!!
I have a page on Myspace...hope you'll create a profile and join there too! my url is www.myspace.com/allycpa
hugs! and stay strong! love ya!

September 28, 2008 at 8:56 AM