JUNE 21, 2010

34 years old, and still kicking ass!

Today, I turn 34 years old.  Pretty amazing, when you look at where I was two years ago.  Pretty amazing regardless, that I'm celebrating getting older.  But, wouldn't you?  Each birthday is a celebration of another year of living, breathing, and just being.

Each year brings new challenges, new successes, new failures (which are really opportunities to make things better next time 'round), new memories.  I relish in my birthday, not because of the presents (which are still welcome - I'm human after all), but because it's a way to celebrate and reflect and honor the past year's events.

Levi and I spent the weekend together.  It was truly awesome - we haven't done this in probably ten years, so it was truly a gift to both of us.  Saturday was his birthday - we started the day with a meeting for CCA, then off we went for lunch, some errands, and a birthday dinner of homemade enchiladas and chocolate pudding (his FAVORITE!).  Sunday, we woke up, hung out on the back patio with our coffee and the chickens, relaxing, reading, playing with our phones (they had to be reset and we lost ALL settings...), and just enjoying the gorgeous weather.  We spoke with the kids later that day, and each of us spoke with our Dads, to wish them a Happy Father's Day.  We also saw the movie I have been waiting on for over a year - Toy Story 3.

Some of you may not be familiar with my, um, well, obsession seems to be the best word but I don't think I care for it.  We'll call it a "relationship."  My "relationship" with Toy Story.  It began (ack!) 14 years ago when I was working in Disney World on the College Program internship in what was then the Disney-MGM Studios park.  I worked the Toy Story parade each day, keeping the masses back on the sidewalk and clearing the way for the parade to come through, complete with Buzz, Woody, the Green Army Men, etc.  I fell in love with the story line, and when TS2 came out, I made Levi take me to the movies (this was pre-kids, and he was less-than-impressed).  So, last summer, when the trailers started for TS3, and I found out it was being released on my birthday weekend, well, there was no question that I was going to see it.

And, we did.  Yesterday morning.  I'll try not to give away the entire story, but suffice it to say that I laughed out loud several times, I clapped during some parts (the 3D effects were VERY cool), and I cried at the end.  *Yes, Levi rolled his eyes at me.*  The storyline is wonderful, the jokes are hysterical, and the Spanish version of Buzz Lightyear was, by far, my favorite.

We also saw Iron Man 2 last night, and it was amazing - loved it.  Not as much as Toy Story 3, but I loved it.  Robert Downey Jr. just gets more and more gorgeous as he gets older.

So, enjoy your day - I know I will enjoy mine.  Working today, dinner tonight with Levi, then off with the girls tonight to celebrate my birthday and someone's recent engagement.  So exciting!  It's the longest day of the year, so make sure you welcome summer with a smile.  I know I have - so far! 

Comments:

CCW said...

Happy, happy, happy(!!!) birthday to the biggest ass-cancer's-ass-kicker I know! :-)

June 22, 2010 at 4:19 AM

 angle45 said...

Very cool! I was just wondering what were the intial symptoms were? I have a good friend who is worried about some blood that was in her stool last week and we're seeing her GP tomorrow.

September 25, 2011 at 10:30 PM

JUNE 17, 2010

My dinner date

I had a wonderful dinner with my Natty last night - Natty was one of Kim's best friends, and someone I have had the amazing blessing to get to know over the past year.  We met up to catch up, and it was (as always, when meeting with "the girls") amazing.  I am so grateful to have them all in my life, and to have shared such an intimate thing with them.  They have become so important to me (Randi, Erin, Natty), and I depend on them for my sanity more than I think they know.

Among many other things, Natty and I talked about Kim last night.  We talked about how difficult this time of year is for us, for a variety of reasons.  We are both still coming to grips with the fact that Kim is gone - realistically, we understand it.  But, looking back at where we are this year as compared to last year (when Kim was on a downhill slide), it's hard to think about and accept.  For Natty, she has personal things she's trying to reconcile right now, and that's compounding her emotions.  For me, it's my own issues dealing with the anxiety of my upcoming scans, being worried about those, knowing what Kim went through, wondering if I'm headed down the same path, what I'll do if that happens, etc.  It's just a lot to think about, and it's honestly exhausting.  I don't mind at all - these are converstaions I have to have with myself and I have to be (optimistically) realistic about, as it's a distinct possibility.

However, I refuse to stop living my life for fear of what might happen.  Natty and I talked about this last night, about how Kim dealt with the same things.  Kim and I had some conversations around these very things (which she apparently didn't have with others, so that's a special gift she and I had), and looking back on these conversations have helped me handle my emotions.

Dinner last night was, in a word, amazing.  I think Natty and I, while coming from very different backgrounds and situations, tend to think about things in a similar manner, and that helped us bond last night about the many things we discussed.  I missed the other girls, and I'm hoping to meet up with them soon.  Maybe next week for my birthday?  Who knows.

I told Natty that I'm going to visit Kim this weekend.  I haven't been to the gravesite since the celebration of her birthday after the carwash in September.  I haven't seen the headstone since it was installed.  I want to see that, touch it, feel the warmth.  I need to do this alone.  I think I need to be there, talk with her, mourn her.  I have been thinking a lot about Kim lately, and I need to have a chance to let out the emotions that are building.  I think more about Kim more when I'm facing my tests - I think it's inevitable.

*sigh*  So much to think about. 

Comments:

Tina said...

I was only involved with Kim from her blog, and through your's (which is wonderful by the way). It hit me hard when she died, and I am thankful that you shared your experiences with us. And I'm thankful that you still are sharings these emotions. I'm proud of you for the way you meet these feelings head on and deal with them. You don't run and hide from them and pretend they don't exist (although I'm sure there are times you'd like to!).
Hang in there-I'll be praying for continued NED!
Love,
Tina

June 17, 2010 at 12:44 PM

 Jill said...

Thinking of yo uthis weekend and hope that you are feeling some peace.

(((hugs)))

Jill

June 20, 2010 at 11:32 AM

Later:

Testing blog posting through my phone. Have I gone high tech? We will find out.

Comments:

Michelle said...

Good Lord, it worked! My goodness, before you know it, I'll be in the 21st century!!!

June 17, 2010 at 3:34 PM

JUNE 10, 2010

LiveSTRONG

Does anyone else feel a kinship with folks you see in passing that are wearing a yellow LiveSTRONG bracelet?  I saw a person today as I was walking into work, and it dawned on me that I feel a connection to these people.  They have reason to wear these bracelets....hopefully, it's not "to be cool" but rather, to support someone who has battled or is battling this disease.

I wear my yellow and blue bracelets almost every single day.  There are very few days when I'm without mine.  I have worn them since I was in chemo.  I actually still have the very bracelets that I wore during chemo (even though they have broken).  It's a silly thing, really, but something I can't bear to get rid of.  I have extra bracelets at home, just in case.  I have different colors, and I can tell you what they all represent.  It's my way of supporting, well, myself.

Just curious on whether others feel this same kind of kinship with others sporting very obvious signs of cancer advocacy. 

Comments:

Whidbey Woman said...

Last week I noticed that my boss is wearing a blue braclet! I thought to myself, he knows someone with Colon Cancer. Or is he wearing it for Ron? It made my heart soar! Tonight I saw a person walking with a T-shirt on it that said "Hope," with the Relay for Life Logo. It really lifted my spirits :)

June 10, 2010 at 7:04 PM

JUNE 9, 2010

Update

I haven't posted in a while.

Some of it is because I don't want to celebrate my remission while others are fighting their battles (both new and continued).  It seems wrong.  There's guilt involved, and while that isn't the way to think, I'm just being honest.

Some of the time, I don't post because I have so many thing going through my head that I can't keep them straight.  There are only so many hours in the day, and trying to keep up with things takes a toll.  There are times when trying to come to terms with cancer that will do that to you, too.

Part of it is what they affectionately call scan-xiety, or fear of your upcoming scans.  My colonoscopy is scheduled for June 26th (on a Saturday - how cool is that?!?!).  My PET scan won't be too far behind.  Regardless of the clear scans in January, I will continue to worry about a recurrence, until I'm reassured in July by my oncologist.  And then, until my next scans.

Lately, I've felt like my time is limited.  Not in a "I'll die someday" sort of way, but in a "my time is bound to be shorter than others" type of way.  I'm hoping that it's my brain dealing with the seemingly consistent reminder lately (for me) of how many people are taken from us due to this disease, and not an inherent "get used to thinking this way" sort of mentality, if that makes sense.  I guess I'm hoping that this isn't my mind's way of telling me what's coming.  Part of the scanxiety - I hope so.

Anywhoo, on that note, in the (hopefully) far off timeframe that I have to look at planning my last days on earth, I want to do what this kid did.  I want to have a big ole' party, complete with balloons and lots of fun activities.  I want a no-cry zone.  I want a party that no one will ever forget, that everyone will want to attend, and that I can be the star of.  I want my family there.  I want friends there.  I want people I haven't seen in years to surprise me.  I want people I've never met face to face there (a celebrity or two wouldn't be unwelcome....), to enjoy this party with me.  Basically, I want a celebration of life - not just mine, but everyone's.

Would you come to my party?

Comments:

change-is-possible.net said...

I will totally come to your party - but only if you come to mine ;)

But if you come to mine, you're going to have to live for a long time, because I'm living to be 97.

Funny - Tom mentioned to me that the boy died within a minute of me opening your blog post (he knew about the party and was updating me).

June 9, 2010 at 5:46 PM

 Whidbey Woman said...

Oh, Scanaxiety. It's going to be a long month.... Good luck, Michelle. Thanks for sharing that link. That kid had a good attitude.

June 9, 2010 at 7:46 PM

 jnwhiteh said...

Nothing could keep me away.

June 10, 2010 at 2:53 AM

MAY 17, 2010

Wow....

So, it's been a while since I updated this blog.  Honestly, I took a break from a lot of things.  I took about a 2 week break from working out, I have been only doing basic things with regards to advocacy, and I've just been enjoying life.

Having said that, it's time I get back into the swing of things, so here I am.  I am back working out (last night was yoga with Jillian, so I know the sore muscles are bound to start up, but it's all good). I have gotten back into the advocacy world, by attending meetings, talking with other survivors, and planning the next 12-24 months for the local CCA chapter.  I've also been looking into opportunities for expanding i2y and other groups that I know need to be spread around Phoenix, which are going to have to take a back seat until I end my tenure with the executive board of CCA-CAZ, probably next year.

This weekend, I spent time with the CCA chapter to talk about plans for the next 24 months, and there is so much we want to do!  It's very exciting, a little intimidating, and overall, just a wonderful thing to see!  I started speaking with a lady that I got in touch with through Imerman Angels - she's starting treatment for her colon cancer, and it's been so rewarding to know that I can use my experiences to try to help her through her own journey.

And, how's my journey going, you might ask?  So far so good - I am due for another colonoscopy in early summer, along with an updated PET scan.  We'll obviously know more then.  Until then, I am getting mentally prepared to celebrate my 2 year cancer-versary on Sunday - yes, Sunday the 23rd is my mother's birthday, and is the 2-year anniversary of my diagnosis.  (Obviously, mom's birthday is WAY more important to celebrate - wish I could be there with her!)  But, it's still a date that I need to think about, remember, and celebrate.  I can't believe what's happened over the past 24 months, and it boggles me to think about where I was 2 years ago versus where I am now.  I feel like I'm a totally different person, but more, it's like I am someone who I always was, but I just didn't know it.

Alright, enough for now.  This week will be a week of looking back, and looking forward.  I need to do both.  It's not easy looking back, remembering where I was, what we all went through, and knowing how hard it was.  It's also not easy looking forward, knowing that I don't know what's going to happen, but realizing that I can only control certain things and have to leave the rest to fate.  I'm going to spend what time I have left enjoying life, and not sweating the things I can't change.

Comments:

Kristin ZW said...

Hi Michelle,
Reading your story reminds me of an author in a very similar situation. Alesia Shute is a childhood cancer survivor and wrote her story, and has dedicated her life to fighting this disease. Check out her website becaue the two of you might be able to help each other. www.everythingsokaybook.com

May 21, 2010 at 5:44 AM