NOVEMBER 1, 2011

T-Minus 7 days

7 days from today, I will have surgery to remove my uterus, cervix, hopefully the scar tissue, and possibly my ovary(ies) and part of my colon.  I know this doesn't make any sense, but I feel like I'm mourning this loss.  Stupid, right?

My tubes are tied.  This baby-making factory is closed.  Finito.  For shizzel.  However, this pending loss of a hope I've had for a while makes me a little sad.  I've always wanted to donate my eggs to my brother and his fiancee to allow them to have babies.  I had hoped (until stupid cancer) to host their child in my womb, and to give them the greatest gift ever.  Even after having my tubes tied, this was still a possibility.  Even if I couldn't bear another child physically, I still had the option to give them my eggs.  After next week, that hope is gone.  I'm in mourning for something that was only ever a remote possibility.  I feel silly.  I don't want another child (don't get me wrong - I'd love one, but I know we made the right choice for our family.)  But, I wanted to be able to help Jim and Tom experience being parents, and to know all the joy and fear and amazement and wonderment and fun it is to have children.

Not only that, but since I was having such a hard time with my 35th birthday (I don't know why....please don't ask), I feel like this is just another blow, telling me I'm not young anymore.  "Listen, lady, you're 35.  Your 30s have sucked thus far, and we (your reproductive organs) have decided to make life suck a little more.  Welcome to middle age."  I think, fundamentally, my problem (or part of it) lies with the fact that despite being 35, married with two kids, etc., I still feel like I'm a 16 year old kid, play-acting at being an adult.  And, having all of that potential being taken away from me?  Sucks.

I'm happy to have the surgery.  The constant pain lately is awful.  I can't get comfortable.  I have some relief, but the pain is always there in the small of my back, a constant reminder.  I have a new respect for people who suffer from chronic pain.  Until you go through that, I don't think you can possibly understand the level of exhaustion (mentally and physically) that comes with it.  I am tired *all the time*.  I have to watch my level of pain to make sure it doesn't get ahead of me, esp since I'm trying not to take too much medicine.  It's a fine line I'm walking right now.  Last night, I pushed myself to go trick-or-treating with the kids.  I don't regret it at all, but I'll pay today.  Guess it's a good thing my surgery is next week.

That's my pity party for next week.  When push comes to shove, I need to have this done to maintain a quality of life.  I'm glad that they were able to get me in, and I'm glad that I'll have time to recover.  I'm sad that this will put be on the DL for the holidays, but I'm hopeful that I can recover in time to help with T'giving dinner, decorating the C'mas tree, etc.  Black Friday shopping appears to be out of the question :(, so I'll be online shopping (assuming I win the lotto).  I'm glad my kids don't count gifts.  :)

Off I go to continue trying to get things pulled together.  The kids had a blast last night, and they are still sleeping.  I'm not worried - I want them to rest up.  We had two families join us for trick-or-treating (so much fun!) and our new neighborhood is awesome!  Finally got to meet some of our neighbors....thinking it's time to break out the cookie molds and get some neighbor-ly crafts/baskets started!  Enjoy your first day of November - Christmas music starts soon!  *Favorite time of year!!!!*

Comments:

Whidbey Woman said...

Michelle, As always, I appreciate your honesty and candidness. Thank you for sharing what is in your heart. You are strong. You will work through this. Livestrong.

November 2, 2011 at 7:42 PM

OCTOBER 26, 2011

Planning Ahead

Sometimes, I think planning your life around a medical procedure is more difficult than the procedure itself.  These past couple of weeks have been hell.  Just pure hell.  I'm trying to get things around for when I'm immobile and unconscious, and it's crazy.  Chaos.  Work is swamped, and that's without trying to get things prepped for me being out for two months.  I know - things will go on without me.  But, I'd like to make an effort to make sure things are as done ass possible.  Same thing with the house.  Luckily, my folks will be here the week of the surgery to help, and Levi will be here the week after (he's off the entire week - yah!).  And, I have an amazing army of friends that are offering to help me pull together meals and make sure our freezer is stocked up, which will help enormously.  Meantime, I'm trying to stay sane.  :)

And, with that, I'm back off to work on getting caught up.  Ha ha.

Comments:

Caroline said...

Good luck with your hysterectomy. When I had mine, I spent 4 nights in the hospital - an extra day because I got a UTI. When I got home I was tired and pain was under control. The biggest issue was that I could only go down stairs once in the AM and then back up in the evening - when my husband was there - for the first week. This is very important. You need to heal - too much strain while healing can result in adhesions which are nasty in themselves. Also no carrying anything - including small children, groceries, etc for a long time. If you want to ask more questions, feel free to ask away.

October 26, 2011 at 1:38 PM

OCTOBER 14, 2011

Surgery is Scheduled

My hysterectomy is scheduled for November 8th.  I have a pre-op appointment with my GYN next week, and I have a list of questions to ask him.  I'll know more after that meeting, but I'm hopeful and anxious - just get it done NOW.

Today or tomorrow is the day my pain will get really bad again - I'm aware of it, popping Advil, and waiting.  I can feel it building, so I'm not happy about that.  But, knowing this is the last month I'll have to work through this pain makes it a little easier.  Or, that's what I keep telling myself.  :)

I found a great website this morning that really helped me feel like I wasn't losing my mind.  There were some very specific things that struck me, and made me wish that I had found this site months ago.

My symptoms have been pretty consistent - low-level mind cramping pretty consistently throughout the month, severe pain when I ovulate, and (the latest one) consistent lower back pain.  Below is what I found on this website.  I know the web is not exactly the most reliable place for information, but seeing what I'm going through described there made me feel like I wasn't crazy.  And, I found another website (hystersisters.com) that's a great place to talk with other women.  Just like when I was going through chemo, it's uber-important to have others to talk with, for your own mental health.

*******************

Lower Back Pain

Lower back pain is another common but poorly recognized symptom that often accompanies period pain. It is commonly associated with endometriosis in the pouch of Douglas, uterosacral ligaments, and rectovaginal septum.

Ovulation Pain

Ovulation pain can occur in women who do not have Endometriosis, but this pain will normally be a small twinge. In women with Endometriosis, ovulation pain can be rather acute. Pain usually begins 12-24 hours before ovulation and may last for a few days. It results from the normal enlargement of the ovary during ovulation which causes stretching of endometrial implants and adhesions lying on the surface of the ovary. The pain is often described as ‘stabbing’ and it may radiate throughout the pelvic area and into the buttocks and thighs.

Comments:

Whidbey Woman said...

Thinking of you.

October 16, 2011 at 1:31 PM

 I'm Nic. said...

Best of luck!

October 17, 2011 at 11:31 AM

SEPTEMBER 30, 2011

When a song sticks with you...

You know that feeling of amazement when the right song comes on the radio at the right time?  That happened to me today.

History lesson:  When I was going through chemo, this song was a big hit on the radio.  It came to be my anthem and helped me through *so much*.  I bought the CD and played this song all the time.  It was on the radio when I needed it most.  It seemed to define what I was going through, and was a reminder to keep plugging away.

Today, I had an appointment with the oncologist.  It was just a bi-annual check-up, and really just a recap of what I already knew.  I'm cancer free.  *happy dance*  He said that with everything looking as good as it does, there's no reason to continue with the PET scans, so unless the routine blood work starts to show an issue (he put me back on a 3-month regimen to monitor my slightly elevated CEA level), I don't have to have any more radiation.  :)

I am so happy!

On my way home, this song came on.  I remember sitting in my car, blaring this song then as a way to keep my spirits up and my emotions in check as I was dealing with the side effects, the uncertainty, the emotions.  Today, my windows were down, my radio was blasting, and I had tears streaming down my face.  Why?  Because I'm still fighting.  I went through hell, I'll go through it again, and I'll keep fighting.  I'll keep going through hell, and I'll try to get out before the devil knows I'm there.

Fuck you, cancer.  This chick wins.  You suck.  That is all.

Comments:

Whidbey Woman said...

:) I'm smilin', girl! I love that song, too. I don't consider myself a country music fan, but there are some songs that just say it all. This is one of them.

October 1, 2011 at 9:14 AM

 keira said...

Some songs just stay in our mind and it never goes. That fills our day with peace and pleasure. This is one such kind of a song.

Regards
breast cancer center

October 6, 2011 at 10:53 AM

SEPTEMBER 29, 2011

Another Surgery....

I don't remember how much I've posted about the pain I've been experiencing, so my apologies if this is duplication.  I'm too lazy right now to go back and look.  :)  I will say that if you don't want to hear about woman-ly issues, please stop reading....now.  Otherwise, know that I'm posting this b/c a) I think it's important information to consider if you are going through a cancer surgery and treatment, and b) b/c I consider this a living history of my journey, and I want it to be truthful and honest.  

History: since I started getting my period, it's been pretty irregular.  Until chemo was complete.  Now, you can set a freaking clock by it.  The typical signs and symptoms of a menstrual cycle are really evident, too.  I don't know if that's from the consistency of it, from the fact that I'm more in-tune with my body, or a little bit of both.  And with what I've been through, I've learned to listen to my body - when something doesn't feel right, I know to do something about it.  

In June, I started having pains when I was ovulating - I usually feel when that happens (a certain percentage of  women feel this happening - others do not).  It feels like a single sharp pain on either side, and usually goes away after a few minutes.  Over the past couple of months, though, that single pain has been getting progressively longer and significantly worse.  This pain absolutely accompanies ovulation, since I can still feel the egg popping out.  However, the pain that follows is almost unbearable.  It starts out as a mild cramping in my lower pelvis (like menstrual cramping), then progresses into about a 4-hour cycle of completely incapacitating pain in the same area (and always on the right side, and now radiating around to my back), alternating between an ache (topping out at about a 5-6 on a pain level scale of 1-10) and sharp shooting pains (8 or 9 on the 10-pain scale).  It literally takes me down, and I can't do anything but focus on the pain for hours on end.  It's awful.  Once the cycle subsides, it becomes an ache at about a 3-4, and the sharp shooting pain of about 6-7.  It's not much better, but I can function.  This lower-level cycle lasts for about two more days, then starts to back off for good after about another 2 days.  It's physically and mentally exhausting, and leaves me completely worn out.  

Last month, when this happened, I was at work and almost went to the ER.  I was concerned that this might be ovarian cancer.  Okay - I was more than concerned.  The symptoms were pretty conclusive.  But, since I had just had my  PET scan and bloodwork, and the month before the gynecologist had performed an external and transvaginal ultrasound, I knew going to the ER would only subject me to more duplicative tests.  I called my primary care physician and he agreed that the ER probably wasn't a good place for me to go - they would likely do the same tests, pump me full of drugs and tell me to go see my doctor.  Hmmm.  Luckily, Dr. Thompson agreed that something was wrong, and sent me off for a contrast CT.  Ick.  Once that came back clear, I knew it wasn't cancer.  So, what the hell is it?

I went into my gyno this week for a routine annual exam, and peppered him with questions.  Based on what he knows, the tests that were run, and my history of abdominal surgeries (2 C-Sections, gall bladder surgery, and colon resection), plus the fact that my body makes an excessive amount of scar tissue led him to believe that the scar tissue is what's causing me the issue.  Basically, it sounds like the scar tissue may have fused my right ovary to another organ(s), and when I ovulate, that causes me to be in extreme pain.  

When my gyno did my exam, he could actually feel the scar tissue from the outside.  Holy cow - that explains it!  I had discomfort and pain where I've never had that before in a previous exam, and those all led the dr to one conclusion.  

My gyno agreed that I can't live my life like this (one week out of each month, I'm completely incapacitated because of this pain, and another week, b/c of my period), and said that he wants to do a hysterectomy.  Never before have I been so excited to have surgery.  He's going to try to remove my uterus and right ovary via laproscopic surgery, but if that doesn't work, he'll go in through an incision in my abdomen (where my C-Section scars are).  He's going to bring in a general surgeon as well as my GI dr to be in the room when he performs the surgery.  If the scar tissue has fused itself to my intestines, they are going to have to take more of my colon.  Good times.  And, they won't know just how bad it is until they get in there, so he's going to go in with all cylinders firing, rather than making me go through this more than once.  I like that.  

If he can do the surgery through the four small incisions, the recovery time is pretty minimal - 2-3 weeks.  If he has to go in through the traditional cut, it will be a bit longer (4-6 weeks).  Either way, it will eliminate the issues I'm having, which I like.  I can't keep going through this pain and suffering.  It's to the point that  my back aches ALL THE TIME, and I'm on a constant regimen right now of ibuprofen every 4-6 hours just to stand up straight.  This is all consistent with what I've been going through, and consistent with the signs of built-up endometriosis/scar tissue.  Unfortunately, b/c of this pain, I'm not able to workout.  I can't even stand up for more than 15 or 20 minutes at a time without collapsing in pain.  SO not cool.  

Needless to say, they can't do the surgery soon enough.  I'll keep you updated on timing, etc., but at this point, it looks like it's a few weeks away.  

More surgery.  My poor husband should have gotten a return receipt.  Hell - I feel like *I* should have gotten a return receipt.  Can you exchange your body?  Probably not.  So, instead, I'm going to take this as a good thing that I listened to my body, and I'm going to continue to eat better, work out (once I'm physically able to), and remember that this is the only one I've got.  Good lessons, whether you're in pain or not.  :)  

Comments:

Caroline said...

Do you have adhesions? Or something else? They can be horrible. Anyway, I had a traditional hysterectomy five years ago. While it took a while to get back on my feet, I am much better for it. Go to www.hystersisters.org for help and support with a hysterectomy. Its a great message board. Good luck to you! (and no more menstrual pain!

September 29, 2011 at 4:59 PM

 chaoticfamily said...

I have been having a horrible time with my cycles and a hysterectomy is in the talks with my Dr. I wish you success.

September 29, 2011 at 11:12 PM

 Carol Pack Urban said...

I understand the need for the surgery. I wish my surgical oncologist had agreed to a hysterectomy during my last procedure but he did not. Since chemo my periods have been very irregular. I have always had pain during ovulation. Some as bad as you describe. If it continues I plan to get my gyn to do a hysterectomy.

September 30, 2011 at 4:11 PM