I've been
working remote most of this week, for a few reasons. One, I started this
week and the pain has been almost unbearable. If you don't know what I'm
talking about, I'm not going to explain it to you. Go ask your mother.
:) The prep for the surgery has told me to try not to take meds,
but I finally broke down yesterday. I was almost in tears when I stood
up. And, last night, the pain literally woke me out of a dead
sleep.
I have to say, I'm really have mixed feeling about this surgery. I don't
know why. It doesn't make sense to me. But, I'm trying to just go
with it and realize that this is probably normal. I think there's several
factors about this that have me nervous.
I've had time to think about this surgery, and I'm realizing that's probably
not a good thing. I've done enough research (dumb me) to scare the crap
out of myself. At the same time, I know that after a short period of
time, this will be worth it. I hope. What if this doesn't resolve
the pain issues I'm having. Then what? (See - brain in
overdrive....not good.) And, what if they have issues while I'm under?
I got a call from the hospital yesterday, asking me to come in on Monday
for some pre-op paperwork and some more blood work. Apparently, the dr
wants my blood type and some other blood work done (on top of what I had taken
at his office earlier this week), and I have some other "tests" or
something that I have to go through. I'm going to be there for 90
minutes. I don't remember having any of this done when I went in for any
other surgery. But, they were all a) to have babies or b) emergencies.
Is that a factor? I don't know. Why would he want my blood
type if he wasn't worried about giving me a transfusion? Is that normal?
*sigh* See - anxiety. I can feel my pulse racing, my heart
beat speeding up, and my shoulders tighten up.
This past week, I've been watching the shows on tv that feature birth stories.
And, I've been crying each time. I don't know why. My body
can't bear any more children. I wonder if I'm only now really dealing
with that. When they were performing my C-Section with Kevin and we made
the decision to tie my tubes, it was easy. I was going to have a baby to
take home, and I didn't want to be pregnant any more. Because of that
decision, I can't bear more children. Mentally, I get that. But,
this removal of my baby-making parts completely? I don't know why this is
effecting me so much. I don't think I want any more babies. I can't
imagine being pregnant, having any more kids, starting over with a new baby at
this point in my life. The fear of what the chemo and other stuff I've
had pumped into me might have done to my remaining eggs is enough to keep me
from *wanting* to conceive again. And yet, I find myself mourning the
not-so-real loss of my ability to bear more children. I can't right now,
even if I wanted to. So, why am I watching these new mothers and their
precious bundles of cuddles and hugs and sobbing like I've lost the ability to
have kids altogether? I don't know. But, there it is.
Because I've been much more aware of my body, I've been in a lot more
pain this month. Coincidence? Not sure. Is it that I'm
noticing the pain more, or that it's worse? Who knows. All I know
is that I can't be upright and standing/walking without medical pain relief,
and my heating pad has become a constant companion. I can't do all of the
things that I want to do to prepare my family and the house for my recovery
time. I want to get the house clean, catch up on things I haven't done
yet (like laundry, leaning out closets, taking the kids' stuff to the
consignment shop, getting meals together, etc.), and try to relax with the
kids. I'm hoping I can remember that the very last item is the most
important, and the rest will fall into place. I have a list of things I
want to work on this weekend, and while I keep crossing things off here and
there, I also keep adding to it. Are there enough hours in the next
couple of days? Yes. Are there enough Advil in the house? Not
sure. Add another item to the to-do list.
On top of all this, I'm still concerned about the level of uncertainty with
this surgery. I'm sure the dr is very good at what he does - I've heard
from several ppl that he's a great dr. He seems very good at what he
does, but his bedside manner kind of sucks. I think he may have forgotten
that while this is routine surgery for him, it's not for me. I'm going to
try to remind him of this (gently) this upcoming week. I've got a level
of anxiety about what they are going to do. I get the choices, and why
they can't tell me more specifically what they are going to do until they get
in there. In my head, I totally get that. And, it doesn't help one
iota because I still don't like not knowing. It's very difficult to plan
for 4 weeks out of commission versus 8 weeks out of commission. I like
knowing what's happening. Here, I don't as much as I'd like to. That
makes me unhappy.
What else? I've had a lot rolling around in my head, and trying to make
sure I'm not losing my mind while prepping everything/one for the upcoming
downtime is really starting to take its toll. Levi will be home on
Tuesday morning (he is working all weekend to allow him to be home for the
surgery as well as recovery). That helps, but it doesn't give me much
relief this weekend. I don't want to ask my parents to take the kids,
since they'll be helping out so much over the next couple of weeks, and they've
already done SO MUCH for us over the past 4 years. It seems so unfair
that I've had to depend on them so much. I'm 35 years old - I should be
independent and able to care for my family. I can't, and I hate it.
Being broken sucks.
I'm hoping that getting this out here will help get it out of my mind, and will
help me kind of deal with what I've been going through. I know that what
I'm going through is minor compared to what others are going through. I know
I've been through worse. For some reason, this one is bothering me more
than the others, and I can't figure out why. I feel like I'm making
mountains out of molehills, and I'm doubting my body's ability to recognize
pain. I'm fearful that they will get inside of me and say, "What the
hell was she talking about? There's nothing here!" I don't
want to be a big baby and have people think I'm taking advantage of them, of
the situation, of the surgery and recovery. I want to be able to live a
normal life. And, for the past several years, I haven't really been able
to do that.
Maybe that's what this is all about. Maybe my frustration is coming from
the repeated assault on my body. Could it be that this is one in a long
line of panics, surgeries, feeling like an invalid, and the emotions are finally
coming to the surface? From the relaxation in my shoulders as I typed
that, maybe. I'll need to parse that out today as I'm running
around.
Today's plans are to finish things up at work, set my voice mail and
Out-of-Office notification as being out on medical leave, then log off the
network at work for the final time before surgery. I have to pick up some
paperwork from the drs office, make a few phone calls, run some errands, then
I'm going to take myself to the nail salon for a pedicure, manicure and brow
wax. After that, the kids and I have a *ton* of errands to run (assuming
the blowing dust here doesn't deter us from that), and I can hopefully mark
another item or two off the list without adding anything more.
Do you think I'm crazy? Do you think I'm losing my mind.....or, do you
think that this is all normal? I just don't know.
Comments:
I
think what you are feeling is normal. Plus you had more time to think about the
surgery. While it is sometimes nice to have the time to fully process a
procedure before it happens, in my experience it is better for me to have less
time to think about it. I know when I had several months to ponder my
colectomy, I thought I was going to go crazy with anxiety. I don't really mean
to compare the two surgeries b/c the colectomy doesn't involve the same
emotional aspects as a hysterectomy but I can draw a comparison on how the
anxiety compounds from having so much time to think about it.
I'll be thinking about you and praying for it to go well next week.
November
4, 2011 at 7:10 AM
Michelle,
There is nothing I can say that will take away your anxiety and even your
mourning... yes, the loss of how your body use to be. All I can say is thank
you, for your honesty. You never ever try to sugar coat things, and I admire
that greatly. I can learn from that. I always feel like I have to be positive,
be strong. And there are times life, especially cancer, just sucks!
I wish I was down there to help you in some way... just listen, while you talk
things out; provide meals for the family, clean house, watch the kids, etc.
Instead, I'll just pray... for a calm spirit, smooth surgery, and no
complications post-op. LIVESTRONG!
November
6, 2011 at 9:08 AM
I
think you are grieving for a part of your life that will be over; moving on to
a new part of your life that is scary, at least for now. It's okay to be sad at
this loss.
November
6, 2011 at 5:47 PM
I
think your feelings are totally valid and normal. You are losing the tools that
made your babies...anyone would mourn that. Thinking of you...
November
8, 2011 at 7:46 AM
