Monday, July 7, 2008

JULY 7, 2008

Support Group

Well, I went to my first support group this afternoon. And, it was wonderful. I should have gone to this weeks ago, but the timing was right for me. I met 6 other people that are also battling cancer, and while we aren't all fighting the same type of beast, the struggles are very similar. It was wonderful to learn about this person's side effects and to be able to sympathize, or to be able to question that person about such-and-such and to be able to get answers not gleamed from a book or from a website.

I also met a wonderful woman, Betty, who is involved with the Colon Cancer Alliance, and who is going to help me learn more about my disease, my treatment options, etc. She is also going to get me involved with the CCA, and we are going to work together as advocates for this preventable disease.

They are having a walk to benefit the Colon Cancer Alliance in November. I am going to participate, if I have to take part from a wheelchair. You should see a post here shortly with more information about this. I am totally stoked - anything we can do to bring awareness to this disease and to its prevention is awesome.
Comments:
Ally said...
Hey Michelle! You are so courageous! I wanted to see how you were doing, I couldn't check in a few days as I had my appendix removed. (fun)
But I wanted to come by and say hi and hang tough!! Love those tshirt ideas!! Hugs!!
July 9, 2008 at 7:55 PM


Sunday, July 6, 2008

JULY 6, 2008

Round 2 Round Up

Well, the third day of chemo was a bit better than the first two. The nausea started to ease up a bit, and I was able to eat something. I had an appointment with my oncologist on the day that I had the pump off (Thursday), and unfortunately, b/c of the busy schedule due to the holiday on the 4th, they were swamped. I was advised to be to the office early for the pump removal, so I got there at 2:30 for the removal, ensuring that I had enough time to make my appt with Dr. O at 3:30. It was strongly advised that I not be late for an appt for Dr. O. Well, Levi ended up coming with me, and we definitely were there with time to spare. About an hour and a half of time to spare. I was exhausted, he was pooped, and overall, it was a very tiring day. Waiting wears me out!

But, we got into see Dr. O., and all looks to be going well. I seem to be reacting well to the chemo (really - that wasn't my impression at all, but what do I know?!). However, I was scolded. REALLY scolded. By the nurse, who advised me against plaing with our cats (risk of infection is too high). I was also scolded by Dr. O. for being too anal about my chemo.

Now, those of you who know me know that I am one who LOVES lists, organization, etc. And, with this battle, I was under the impression that more organization was better. And, that more information was better. I was sorely mistaken, apparently. Dr. O. basically told me to quit writing everything down, to quit obsessing about everything, and to take my life one day at a time. She said that my nausea and exhaustion probably stems from my stress about everything, and that taking the time to live my life instead of obsessing about my treatment will help me heal more quickly.

So, on that note, I have tried to live the past couple of days in the present, and not obsess about cancer. It's hard, as this pretty much defines who I am at this moment in life. I mean, I am a mom, a daughter, a wife, etc., but right now, I am a cancer patient, working to be a cancer survivor.

It was a tough dose of reality that Dr. O. gave to me. I left the office on the verge of tears, and I don't know why. I came to realize later, as I told Mom and Dad what happened, that I think I haven't given myself the permission to really accept the true reality of my situation. I have cancer. I have a disease that I hadn't planned for. And, now I have to make arrangements in my life for this intrusion.

I haven't been sleeping well, and I think this might be part of the reason. I have spent so much time staying positive and upbeat that I don't think I have really allowed myself to be sad or pissed off or frustrated with the truth. I haven't allowed myself to really accept this. I have given voice to the positive aspect of this, in that I can now become an advocate for colon cancer awareness, research and prevention. But, I haven't dealt with the grim reality of how this has, and will, change my life.

I start tomorrow with my weekly support group at the Wellness Center. I think this will be good for me. I kind of feel that maybe being around other cancer patients will allow me to grieve for the loss of my health. Maybe this will be the point where I give myself permission to be sad for me. I don't know. I think that it is all finally sinking in. I have colon cancer. And, never again in my life will I be able to forget or ignore that fact. My life has changed, forever.

Damn it, cancer sucks.
Comments:
we love you...
although my anorexia is not cancer, i can share with you that i felt the same type of thing... you are so busy trying to be the perfect patient that you don't get mad at the disease. in my case, it took me taking a hammer (literally) to a scale during a therapy session, and i cannot tell you how many times i had to scream and journal about the ed.
it's okay. scream.
scream into a pillow if you need to.
it helps. allow yourself some time to grieve and be mad and pissed. set a timer, and that is your time to be alone and get pissed and cry and stomp and kick and whatever you need to do. then, you can pick yourself up knowing that you are not alone and that you can beat this thing.
for me, it was a sign of weakness to let the anorexia "get to me" but it already was - it was screwing with my life - my health, my weight, my relationship with my kevin and my family & friends.. so, i had a right to screw with it in any manner i felt. so, it was a sign of strength to take it and show it who is boss.
you know me and we are so much alike when it comes to organization and planning and writing things out... i just blogged about this the other day, when i thought that i had things planned one day and then something happened out of the blue - and it was a good thing - so now i wrote that i promised to use a pencil and not get so caught up in making things "solid".
i don't want to get all religious on you, but it took me a long time to step back and put my faith in God - He already knows every thing that is going to happen. me stressing about it and not sleeping and worrying myself to the point where it is affecting my health was not happening and is unecessary, if you think about it from the perspective that God already has your life taken care of. Give it up to your doctors and to your family and let your faith carry you. it's okay.
we won't let you fall... and we will be there to pick you up if we have to...
group therapy will be an amazing thing and insight and will help you get in touch with all of this and face it head on emotionally (like you are already doing physically) use others. listen. cry. share. you are not alone.
we love you.
July 6, 2008 at 9:56 AM
Blogger Young Family said...
You're both going to make me cry --- and Michelle I am SO glad you are seeing it now from this perspective. Every time I read your blog I laugh at the funny things you say and I cry because I am so sad that this crap is happening to you. Be pissed off - you have every right to....

And, Jen, what amazing advice. And, I agree 100% with you about just knowing that God already knows the outcome. Michelle - there is nothing you can do to change it - nothing - you just have to live for today and believe that it will all be okay.

Love you both!
July 6, 2008 at 7:49 PM
Blogger Amanda: said...
The support group I joined when my son had cancer was literally a lifesaver. It was all that kept the fact that my child had cancer from overtaking the rest of my life. Good luck and stay strong.

I remember when Joshua (my son) was sick, getting through the day would sometimes be too hard. When that happened, I would make it my goal to make it through the next 4 hours, the next hour, the next 30 minutes, the next 10 minutes, the next 5 minutes, etc. Breaking our cancer life into smaller parts made it more manageable for me. Whatever it took, however many itty bitty portions of time to get through the day. I hope you never have days like that, but if you do, maybe that trick will help you too.
July 7, 2008 at 5:14 AM

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

JULY 2, 2008

Round 2, Day 1 and 2

Well, yesterday was round 2, day 1. And, it sucked. The chemo itself wasn't too bad. The CBC came back with normal numbers, meaning my white, red, and platelet cell counts are normal (woo!). Always good news. And, as I said, the chemo isn't too bad. I have the same schedule as an older lady who is going through her second battle with cancer, this time rectal. She is really nice, and her daughter comes in with her, so I know that I will see someone I know and enjoy talking with when I am there. Very nice people.

However, after the chemo session, I started to feel pretty nauseuos. And, it got worse after I ate dinner. So, I took my anti-nauseau meds (again) and headed to bed. As long I was laying down in bed, I was okay. On the first day of chemo, they give me a steroid to help with the nausea, and that gives me big-time sweats on and off for about 12 hours. Yesterday, those waves of heat came in conjunction with the nausea. It was (insert sarcastic voice here) fabulous!

So, I spent the entire night and this morning laying in my bed, waiting for the next wave of nausea to come, and to pass. I was very lucky - it never got any worse than nausea, so I was really lucky. However, it still sucked. This morning, I couldn't even help anyone with anything, and when I got ready to go to chemo, instead of being able to wash my hair in the sink, take a sponge bath, and get ready - nope. My beauty regime this morning was wake up, pee, get dressed, wipe down face, get in the car. Very sexy.

When I got there, the nurse asked me how I was feeling. I asked her if she wanted me to be honest or nice. She said honest. My reaction - chemo sucks, and this round kicked my ass. She actually understood, and took the time to talk with me and mom about how I was feeling, what made it better or worse, etc. She then suggested that I take another RX called Ativan, which she also gave me via IV during chemo. And, woo, did it work. It made me drowsy (if knocking me ut cold counts as "drowsy"), but it definitely did help with the yuck feeling. She also talked with me about what I can eat to help alleviate the sickly feeling, and all of that.

Overall, today's chemo went better, mostly b/c I was asleep for the most of it. I feel better today than I did yesterday, and since I am able to blog and throw a load of laundry in the washer, I suppose that's an improvement. I am going to end here, and see what's going on in the front of the house. Here's hoping tomorrow is better than today.

Oh - and I am going to order a few/couple of tee shirts this week. I am thinking of the one that says "Cancer, you picked the wrong bitch." and another one that's white with the colon cancer blue ribbon and it says "I WILL WIN" with the words Colon Cancer Awareness in smallish letters on the front. I am waiting to see about the others. Any suggestions?!?!
Comments:
Amanda: said...
You don't know me - I found your blog from my husband's cousin Jen's Blog (Graceful Expressions).

Anyhow, I just wanted you to know that our son was diagnosed with cancer when he was 20 months old, back in 2004. We were lucky too, and caught it early (it was a brain tumor), and he has been in remission 4 years now. He also did the chemo route - different than yours (obviously) - but chemo nonetheless. It was "less than fun", to say the least.

I want you to know I'll watch your blog and I want to see you beat the cancer too!!! Our area's Relay for Life (check the American Cancer Society's website for info) is next weekend, and we would like to honor you and your fight at the Luminaria ceremony.

Hang in there - Zofran worked WONDERS for Joshua. And when he lost his hair, it just kind fell out over the course of a couple of days - like he would be laying on my chest, get up, and there would be hair all over my shirt.

Good luck!!!!
July 3, 2008 at 7:57 AM
Blogger Nancy said...
hi sweetie....just want you to know we send our love and prayers...and want to wish all a happy forth of July...it is going to get better and you are to.love and hugs..God Bless ....later
July 4, 2008 at 6:43 PM
Mick,

I think you should print all your posts into a book.

Thinking of you, love you.
July 6, 2008 at 9:10 AM
Blogger Kevin said...
I like the first suggestion for a tee. I have know you for a long time and I think that says it all. If any one can beat this, it is you.
July 9, 2008 at 3:36 PM


Tuesday, July 1, 2008

JULY 1, 2008

The Wellness Center

Yesterday, I took some time out to go to The Wellness Center in Phoenix (please see previous post if you don't know what this is). I was a little aprehensive, b/c you just don't know what to expect. Well, they were VERY nice to me there. I walked in without an appointment and with really no expectations at all. There was a gentleman, Warren (I think that's his name - might be Harold), who greeted me, introduced me to a few people, and told me a little about TWC. The center is located in this gorgeous turn-of-the-century (1908) house with amazing architecture and details, and is very homey and friendly. Normally, the center asks that people attend a Newcomer Orientation on Tuesdays, but as that conflicts with my chemo schedule, Warren was kind enough to give me a one-on-one orientation while I was there. On top of that, I was able to interview with one of the facilitators of the group meetings, and am now signed up to participate in a weekly group session on Mondays from 1-3. It's a group consisting of all varieties of cancers, ages, etc., and is basically a place for us to go to get support from others who are dealing with the same battles. I am excited about this, b/c this particular group that I am in is led by the same woman who leads the colorectal support group on the third Wednesday of each month. I am hoping to take part in that group, as well as a 20s/30s cancer patient group. It was a fabulous experience, and I can't wait until Monday to see what my group is like.

If you have a Wellness Center in your city, I encourage you to stop by and volunteer your time. It's a wonderful program that is free of charge to those who take part in it. And, it's an amazing non-medical resource for patients and their caregivers. I will let you know how things go next week.

Well, off I go to start round two of chemo. Will post later or tomorrow with how I do. (sigh)

Friday, June 27, 2008

JUNE 27, 2008

Genetics Appt

As mentioned, we headed to the consult for the genetics testing yesterday afternoon. First, what a gorgeous campus they have there in Scottsdale. I think I may return to the cancer center just for some support. It's this beautiful, modern facility that truly made me feel like crying when I walked in, not b/c of fear or concern but because I felt this overwhelming sense of calm and support. It was amazing. I can't wait to head to the Wellness Center in Phoenix, to see if I get the same feeling.

Anyway, I will go back to that in a moment. Genetics - so, I was registered and take up to meet the lady that did our consult. She is a genetics doctor, and spent about an hour explaining how colon cancer can be passed down through the genes, and even went so far as to name the chromosomes and proteins that would affect the cells (thank goodness I paid attention in chemistry and biology in high school - I was actually able to follow and understand her!). Basically, there are 5 known chromosomes that can be mutated in a way that could predetermine that person to get colon cancer, particularly at an early age.

Here's some other information - 60% of colon cancer cases are of unknown origin, meaning that there isn't a family history and no given reason for a person to get the cancer. Basically, for those people, it comes down to luck and what environmental conditions they have exposed themselves to over the course of their life (usually, this occurs after age 55), and how their body reacts to those conditions. Another 30% (these percentages are all approximate) of colon cancer patients have some form of family history of colon cancer (or uterine/endometrial cancer, as they are closely related). The other 10% of patients have a genetic mutation that doesn't show up in the family until they get it, meaning they are the first. Lucky them.

After the doctor went through explaining the laymen version of the specifics of how genetics could potentially affect a family's cancer diagnoses, she went through our family history. Luckily, both my Mom and Dad were there for this, and were able to help clarify some of the information. Basically, the results from that indicate that there is no known history in my family whatsoever of colon cancer. And, while there are cases of cancer on both sides of the family, there are no repeats of those cancers (i.e. no repeats of breast cancer in women on the same family tree), which also bodes well. There is also a good history of family longevity (both sides averaged into their 70s), which again, is good news.

So, we spoke with the doctor about what this means. She seems to feel that there will not be a genetic predisposition shown in the cancer, meaning that I am just a freak of nature. (Really, didn't we already know that?!?!?!) What they are going to do to determine the lack of genetic predisposition is to test a sample of the tumor they removed from my colon.

Okay, side note here. Did you know that when they remove anything from your body, they (meaning the drs and hospitals) are required by law to keep a sample of said, well, tissue on file for at least 5 years?!?! Here's my image: I picture a storage room of sorts, lined up with racks and racks of cryogenically-maintained body parts, tumors, blood samples, etc. And, when they need it, they call up the storage people (I am using personal experience with off-site storage companies here) and have them ship on over the sample of your body. EWWW!

All right - ahem. Sorry. So, they will request a sample of my tumor, and they will be able to test the sample for the protein that would indicate to them whether or not the genetic codes are altered. Basically, your genes produce protein in your cells, allowing the cells to heal themselves against the attack of the things we send into them each moment. If the genes are altered genetically (i.e. you inherit this damaged gene from dear old mom or dad), then your body won't be able to produce the correct protein to fix your cell, thus allowing the damaged cell to reproduce, forming a tumor that has a higher likelihood of becoming cancerous. The test they are going to run on my tumor will allow them to see if this protein is or isn't being produced. If it is, then they can determine from that point that this is not a genetic cancer, and that I am truly just a freak of nature who beat the odds and needs to be written up in the medical journals. (All right, I made that last part about being in medical journals up.) If they can determine that the protein isn't being produced as it should be, then they will pull blood (damn vampires) and test the known genes for this alteration.

Having said all of that, the doctor seems to feel that there is a low probability that this is a genetic cancer. Which means, as I said, that I am just a freak of nature.

I am thinking of using that as my tattoo design. FREAK OF NATURE. I really think it's appropriate. I mean, I know it was even before this, but now I will be able to say, truly, that I am medically a freak. How cool!!! I mean, how many people can lay claim to that? Dad said yesterday that he could have told me this without having to go through all of this. LOL!


Later:


Oh, in the last post I mentioned the Wellness Center. I don't know a whole lot about it, but if you are reading this in another city and find yourself facing cancer, either personally of as a caregiver of loved one of someone facing cancer, I recommend that you look into it. It's a non-profit organization providing support services to cancer patients, their caregivers, and their families. They have classes to teach patients about eating right during chemo, how to handle the stresses of the diagnosis and treatments, support groups for different cancers and age groups, yoga classes, beauty classes, etc. I am going to try to head there on Monday (it's a hike from our house), but I am hopeful to find the same kind of peace and serenity that I found at the Virginia Piper Cancer Center in Scottsdale.


Later:


I was playing on the blog tonight and decided to make a template change. In doing so, I found out that I could add a subscription page, which I believe send you an email if/when I post something new. (Oh, smart brothers o' mine, thoughts here?!?!)

I can also add a poll for all of you to answer. Mwa-ha-ha - who knew there would be homework when you read my blog! What can I come up with to ask my unsuspecting readers....hmmmm. Oh, and I updated my profile. Since this website is read by (as I am finding out) more people than I expected, I figured that I would update my information. I had to think about some of the questions. My favorite movie? See, I don't watch movies, generally. I have kids. My movies consist of mostly animated movies, of the Disney variety usually (they are mine, after all), although tonight I had to put the Bob the Builder DVD up and away from Kevin's reach after we watched it twice, in a row. I really had to think back on what movies I enjoy watching, then it dawned on me - duh! Mel Brooks. Who doesn't love a good Mel Brooks film?

(See, this is what happens when I have time on my hands.....)

Comments:
Nancy said...
hi sweetie..sorry it has taken me so long to write....vbs this last weekend and then been having trouble trying to write you .I had to use a different e mail address.Well i heard you are about to start your next treatment.Hang tight you are going to make it .You are so strong ..I believe that God has plans for you honey,because you are so strong.He will be with you the whole way.Satan can try his best but you are strong and God is stronger.You are going to do well.I am so proud of you and your will to fight this nasty stuff.I send my love and will talk later......God Bless ya'll
June 30, 2008 at 7:35 PM