NOVEMBER 29, 2008

Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and today...

Holy cow - another Thanksgiving come and gone. It was a quiet one here in Surprise, mainly b/c I had just finished a round of chemo the day before, and I really couldn't muster much energy for anything but sleeping! The day was nice and quiet, and Mom made a wonderful feast for us. Turkey, stuffing, potatoes, pies - all the fixins. I was up, then had to take a nap, and pretty much rested the day away. Kind of a bummer, as I like to be more of an active participant, but I tried to ignore the guilt that riddled my brain that day. Hmph.

And then, on Friday, we insanely got up at 3:30 to brave the hoards at Wal-Mart to pick up the gifts for the kids. With money being so tight this year, Mom and Dad are helping us out, and we scoured the ads on Thursday looking for the best deals. It was worth it, financially, but holy cow - people are NUTS on Black Friday. Did you hear about the shooting in LA at the Toys 'R Us, or the Wal-Mart worker in Long Island that was trampled to death? Really, is anything worth that?!?! Me thinks not.

But, in all honesty, we did go, we did partake in the chaos and madness, and our shopping is done. We also hit JC Penneys, Target and Michaels, then came home. And, I crashed in the bed. It was more exhausting than I could have imagined, and with my neuropathy in my feet, walking became such a chore. I was done long before we were actually done - I got to the point where people would speak, and my brain couldn't, wouldn't register what they were saying. It was scary, since I was driving. Thank goodness a nap took care of most of that. LOL!

Today, we are taking the kids to the annual Festival of Lights parade in Tempe, AZ (home to Arizona State University). We have done this every year since we moved here, and while it's a hike to get there, it's well worth it. The kids love it, we love it, and Mom and Dad haven't been yet, so this will be fun. We are heading out this afternoon, and it will be a blast. I have an errand to run, then I am coming home to rest up for tonight.

Levi and Dad put up the Christmas lights on the house - I will post pictures later this week, once we get the rest of the stuff put up! Tomorrow, we are hoping to put up the tree and the house decorations - I love Christmas. We have already watched Miracle on 34th Street, the Grinch, and Rudolph. This is my favorite time of year, and while I can't participate as much as I normally do, I am grateful to be here to be able to take part in the festivities.

Comments:

Amanda: said...

Hahaha - check out my blog - we LEFT at 3:30am on Friday for shopping! We hit Kohls, Meijer, Target, Walgreens and Home Depot. It was a long day - I was SO tired - I laid on the couch for the rest of the day because I couldn't take a nap, LOL.

Glad you had a nice Thanksgiving! Hope this week is a quiet one :)

November 29, 2008 at 6:20 PM

 Linda said...

Michelle,

It's Tom Harper's Mom here and I just wanted you to know that you are being cheered on from Monrovia, CA., just outside of Pasadena. You WILL WIN...as you have a wonderful family and that type of support, as you already know is the best kind.

Thinking of you and wishing you and your family a Holiday of Miracles and Blessings.

Linda Harper

November 30, 2008 at 6:39 PM

NOVEMBER 26, 2008

Another round down!

Well, I made it through another round. Whew! Just got the pump off and got my shot, and I am feeling a little run down and sore (the shot makes my entire body ache) but other than that, I am glad to have another round under my belt. Monday is kind of D-Day, and will determine a) if I need to have one more round, b) what affect that have on my PET scan in December, and c) if I can return to work full-time. Lots riding on that appointment, me thinks.

Just thought I would let you all know that this round is done, and it gives me one more thing to be thankful for tomorrow.

Plans for tomorrow - well, Mom is making pies today - I have a bunch of things to do, but I am hoping to help her soon. Tomorrow, I want to watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, we have a new movie to watch after dinner.....I think that's about it. Mom and I are going to start scouring the Black Friday ads - Julia has completely grown out of her winter clothes, and I need to take a bunch of things into the consignment shop today to try to replenish her closet. Both kids have grown so much that their clothes don't fit - argh! And, Levi is still out of work, so that doesn't help.

Very frustrating, but we still have so much to be thankful for.

Comments:

Jennifer Witham Buck / Graceful Expressions said...

Hey You!
Happy Thanksgiving!
Can you email me their sizes? There have been some great sales here!
Check out www.bfads.net for the rundown on Black Friday ads... let me know if you want me to watch for anything here, we usually have great luck picking stuff up.
Love to you and the family!

November 26, 2008 at 11:18 AM

NOVEMBER 25, 2008

A lesson in mortality

Warning - kind of graphic....don't say I didn't warn you...

Yesterday, Dad and I headed into chemo. Another round, another day. About a third of the way through my treatment, an elderly gentleman was wheeled into the room by a woman who we later found out was his sister. He was clearly not in tip-top shape, and my chemo nurse (also taking care of him) was struggling to keep him awake and alert, much less in any kind of condition to receive chemo. It took two nurses to get him up fro his wheelchair into the chemo chair, and he still wasn't doing very well. He was seated just down the room from me, but across from me. I could tel that this wasn't going to be a chemo day for him, and I fully expected them to send him to the ER.

He didn't make it that far. They started him on IV fluids, per the doctors, and within a minute or two, he started to seem a bit better - perked up, was having a conversation, etc. Then, he started to cough up blood. And, then, the blood started spurting out of his mouth like a geyser, and he couldn't breathe. The nurses rushed to his side, and called 911 and the doctors. They started CPR and a trach tube, but it was too late. By the time they had gotten all of the chemo patients out of the room, the guy was gone. He just didn't make it. I am pretty sure that I saw him die, right in front of me.

I will say that I have never been prouder of my medical team. They were so professional, so caring, so upset, and yet, they somehow managed to make it back to the chemo room after the man was declared dead and the coroner, police, and Crisis Response Team arrived. They (office staff, doctors, nurses, etc.) were obviously upset by this, but honestly, I don't know that I could have proceeded afterwards with as much professionalism, dignity, and respect as they did. My heart bleeds for them, even though I know this is a part of their job description. Still, I can't imagine that this makes it any easier.

I didn't think this bothered me much yesterday - it was more a response by me of, okay, it happens, how do I do what they asked me to do, and how do I finish my chemo? I was more interested in helping the lady next to me, who was visibly upset by what happened. However, last night, I was up for about an hour and a half, and I think I needed to process what happened. It was definitely a lesson in mortality, and one I won't soon forget.

I also spoke with my nurse about this being my last treatment. Her guess is that Momma what they affectionately call Dr O) will probably push me to the 13th round of chemo, to offset the discontinuation of the Oxalipalantin. Okay, so this isn't my last round of chemo. Bummer, but in light of the story above, what's three more days?!?! Nothing, if it gives me the rest of my life back.

Comments:

Amanda: said...

Oh. My. Gosh. That is so sad - and yet so amazing that the medical team was able to come back to work after all of that. And that you didn't have a freak out yourself.... wow... I'm not so sure I would have done that well.

One more round is nothing compared to what you've been through.

November 25, 2008 at 5:36 PM

 Jennifer Witham Buck / Graceful Expressions said...

You have a lot of be thankful for this year...
wow. what a way to snap you back into reality real quick. Thanks for the eye-opener...
have a wonderful thanksgiving, we are thinking of you and love to everyone!
thanks for sending julia's recipe as well, that was adorable!

November 26, 2008 at 6:51 AM

 Sharon R. said...

Gosh, that's a horrible thing to have to witness, and that poor man and his sister... I'm sorry you had to observe it all but I'm glad it gave you assurance that you're in great hands with your team. Also sorry there's one more round to deal with but it sounds like this round wasn't too bad? Hope you recover enough to have some T'giving yummies and yes, 3 more days is nothing! :)

November 26, 2008 at 9:48 AM

NOVEMBER 23, 2008

What would life be like if....

...I hadn't gotten cancer. I thought about this today - we were getting the grocery list ready for Thanksgiving this week. Mom started to get sad and upset, because of all the things she has going on and is thinking about (Christmas coming up, not being in NY with the boys, the meals, me, us, etc.). It kind of hit me this morning how much this cancer has not only affected me, but my entire family. I knew it, but this morning I think it kind of hit me all at once. 

What would life be like if this hadn't happened? First, let's assume that I had the cancer, but I never went to the doctor's, never found out, and just went on with life as it stands. I don't even know if I would be here. I might have gone on until I was so sick that they weren't able to help me, and were just trying to keep me comfy until the end. (Well, isn't that a pleasant thought...) I might have been given a few weeks or months to live, and not been given the opportunity to be an advocate for colon cancer awareness. 

What would life be like if I didn't have cancer? I started thinking about all the GOOD things that have come from this journey. I have met the most amazing people - both in person, and over the internet. I have been given the great honor of being helped by so many people - from friends helping out with food, cleaning services, and just a shoulder to cry on. My parents and my children have had the opportunity to get to know each other, and to develop a relationship with one another that I know both my children and my parents will remember for their entire lives. Seeing them together has been such a wonderful thing - we took Julia to MN when she was just 6 months old, and since she was the only grandchild on both sides, we really ripped her out of our parents' lives. While we haven't had as much luck garnering that relationship with Levi's side, this journey has allowed Julia and Kevin to become so close with Nana and Papa. It's been unbelievable. 

If this hadn't happened, my parents might not have gone to get their colonoscopies. My brothers might not have ever gone in. Thanks goodness all have come back clean and clear, but now we know for sure. 

On a bit sadder side, if this hadn't happened, I would be that much closer to getting my college degree. We would have a lot more money - well, at least we wouldn't have had to spend the money on the copay's, prescriptions, and co-insurance costs. 

But, I don't think Levi and I would have had the talks that we have had to have. I don't think we would be as close as we are. I don't think I would be as close to both of my parents as I am now - when we lived on different sides of America, it was so much harder to maintain a CLOSE relationship with them. Now, though - poor Dad has gone to almost all of my chemo treatments. Mom was with me through the surgery and procedures in the beginning, in their for the first chemo, etc. And, now, they know more about their daughter's body and bodily functions then they probably ever wanted to know. LOL! But, that's what had to happen.

Most of all, if this hadn't happened, my parents would still be in NY. Would Dad have retired? I don't know. What would Mom be doing? How would that have affected my brothers? They had all had to sacrifice so much for this cancer shit. My two brothers back in NY, Bob and Greg, have had to learn to live without the support of my parents. Mom and Dad were literally yanked from NY to AZ when this all happened, and everyone's lives changed. Their lives changed. They went from living life in NY, with friends, family, jobs, obligations, recreation, plans, etc., to having to relocate here with no planning, no knowledge of what's around here, and no one here to support them but each other and us. Holy crap - when you think about it, that's an unbelievable sacrifice. I don't think words can ever allow them to understand that I get (as much as I possibly can) the sacrifice they have made. I don't think that there are words, emotions, things, etc. to describe the level of gratitude I have for them, and for their sacrifice. For what they have done for us, and for me. 

And, I can't forget the support I have had from work. People at work have been amazingly supportive, both locally in Phoenix and at other sites. I truly feel like I am part of this huge family, and I am lucky to have them in my life.

Truly, this has been a journey. I have started to think of it as such - not a disease (though I know it is), not a sickness, etc. By thinking of it as a journey, I have allowed myself to accept that this will go on for a while, and that there are things to learn from this. I have chosen to look at this journey as an experience that I am meant to learn from. That I am meant to use to teach others. 

So, that's my insightful thought for the day. I have chemo tomorrow, and it might be my last chemo treatment. I have this treatment, then a doctor's appointment on Dec 1st. God willing, I get the word at that point that I am officially in remission. Holy cow. Remission - such a gorgeous word.

Comments:

Amanda: said...

I am so thankful for the gift of time - to have come so far out of Joshua's Journey that I can be thankful that we were chose to walk this path. It was awful, and scary, and hard... but I wouldn't trade it. Way too many GOOD things came out of this for us and I wouldn't want to give that up. I'm glad you're getting there too. 

If Joshua ever relapses (God forbid) or if I ever have to do this cancer journey again (please NO), I don't know that I'll feel quite the same, but for now, this is where I'm at.

Good luck with chemo. I can't wait to hear how your appointment on Dec 1st goes!!

November 24, 2008 at 9:47 AM

 Young Family said...

Wow, Michelle - this is so amazingly inspiring. I love you...I am so thankful for you and for our friendship, and I am so glad that you found out you had cancer when you did. I can't even begin to imagine, or want to think about, what would have happened if you hadn't. We are so blessed in so many ways, and it takes a strong person to realize that every cloud, EVERY CLOUD, truly does have a silver lining.

I just can't believe we could have lost you....and I thank God all the time for the way He has worked in your life through this journey you are on.

November 25, 2008 at 11:58 PM

NOVEMBER 19, 2008

Finally, Cold Drinks

I have to take a moment to update you - I feel so GOOD this week! Even though Levi still doesn't have a job, and we are still searching diligently for ANYTHING.....

Physically and mentally, I feel really good. I think the physical has SO MUCH to do with my mental right now. Last week's chemo was rough, but not nearly as bad as the time before. And, while I can FINALLY drink cold things, and while the painful neuropathy is gone, I still have the numbness in my feet and hands occasionally, usually when they are cold. Odd, eh? I have found ways to control it, mostly, but every now and then, I will be walking around and boom - I can't feel my feet/hands. It almost feels like they are really swollen, and the feelings that I do have are dulled by the swollen-ness, even though they aren't swollen. Got all that?!?!

The nausea eased by Sunday, so by Monday I was really feeling good. I had trouble sleeping last night, but the past several nights in a row, I have slept through, so that's a plus, as well. Mom and Dad are both gone this week, so it's up to Levi and I to parent the kids ourselves (LOL), and while I was nervous about being able to handle working, making dinner, baths, etc., it has all gone quite well. It's just wonderful to feel so normal again.

And, I am looking forward to next week being (with luck) the last week of chemo. It's unreal to me that I might be able to go back to work full-time in two weeks, and that I might be able to start to recover from the pesky side effects that I have. I know that they are going to linger, and I know that there are going to be others that pop up while my body recovers, I am still so optimistic about knowing that the end is finally here. I think I have mentioned this before - my PET scan is scheduled for Dec 29, which is Levi's and my 7th anniversary. I am so excited about this PET scan - I have such high hopes. I try not to, and I try to be realistic, but honestly, this PET scan is going to be a huge milestone for me. It feels, at the same time, like it's been forever and that it was yesterday that I was first diagnosed. I can't believe that I have made it through 11 rounds of chemotherapy. I can't believe that I have made it this far in this journey, and that I might finally reach the point of being able to say I am a survivor, and that I am in remission.

I think remission might be the most beautiful word in the English language right now. LOL!

So, all is well here in Phoenix. Mom is in Boston, and Dad is in Syracuse. He called today to tell me that there was snow on the ground, and the high on Friday is going to be in the 20s. It was very difficult to hold back the smirking laughter. I managed - barely. This is why I love living in Arizona.

Oh, and another mental perk for me (and, please, hold back your groans) I found a local radio station that is already playing Christmas music. Are you kidding me? So, on today's ride home, I am in my car, all four windows down, blaring Christmas music. Sometimes, it's good to be me! :-)

Comments:

Amanda: said...

I have ABSOLUTELY been listening to Christmas music since they started playing it on Halloween Day here!!!!!!! It makes me happy, my kids love it, and it gets me in the "Christmas Spirit", so I'm ok with listening to it for almost 8 weeks straight!!!

Plus, thanks to Lake Michigan, we have snow here right now. And it's going to be a balmy 32 degrees today and it MIGHT barely make 30 degrees tomorrow, LOL.

I'm so glad your spirits are high - that is awesome to hear!! Almost done! And yeah - remission is pretty awesome!!!

November 20, 2008 at 6:55 AM

 Simply Exquisite said...

I love Christmas music and the funny thing is I have only heard it once at the grocery store, but where is it on the radio...hmmm? It was good talking to you sweetie! I hope to talk to you more soon since I caught ya at a bad time. Go have yourself a McDonald's chocolate milkshake...that is a good cold drink :). Last night it got down to 17 degrees and today should be pretty cold. I like it though. Glad to know the end of the tunnel is almost here and like your other friend said...you can say you did win and beat this disease..Michelle will win :). Love ya!

November 22, 2008 at 6:52 AM

 Jennifer Witham Buck / Graceful Expressions said...

Yippee!
Be very glad that you live in Arizona.. last night the temp was only 21! Freezing!!!
One last round... you go!
Love ya : P

November 22, 2008 at 9:38 AM