APRIL 14, 2009

Faking cancer - are you kidding me???

I just read an article about a woman that faked cancer to get the money from an insurance policy she took out. I actually found an article on msnbc.com, and googled "Woman who faked cancer diagnosis" or something along those lines, and came up with a disturbing number of hits, all relating to people that have faked a diagnosis of cancer in order to obtain money, sympathy, donations, etc.

Are you f-ing kidding me?!?! As a cancer ass-kicker, this pisses me off more than anything I have read in a while. What kind of f-ed up person thinks this is a good way to obtain sympathy for themselves? What kind of person thinks THIS would be a good way to cheat their friends, family, insurance, work, etc. It makes me want to find these people and kick them in the head.

Wow - I have tried to keep calm about a lot of things lately that I have seen/heard that make me upset. I realize that people have their own problems, and I try to be understanding about seeing their perspective and maybe gaining some insight into why they made a certain decision. I can understand that times are tough - everyone is struggling, and some people are worse off than others. My family has been very lucky and we have somehow been able to keep our heads above water . However, never in my life (even before cancer) would I have ever said, hey, if I pretend to have cancer, people might give me money, donate their vacation time, etc.

ARGH! I know this isn't the first time someone has been accused of this, and I unfortunately know that this isn't the last time someone will pull this shit. However, this is the first time I have come across an article like this since I got sick, and it makes me so angry I'm seeing red.

I know it's evil, and I am sure that people will likely rake me over the coals for this, but I would love to have the chance to sit down with someone like that, and hand over all my cancer cells and say here, you want it, you have it. Here you go - with all the love in my heart (insert dripping sarcasm here).

*Sigh* What the hell is the world coming to? Really. Things like this make me wonder why in the world I get cancer (I feel like I've lived a pretty decent life), yet people like this will probably live until they are 105, happy and healthy. Not fair. I have to hope that someone like this will end up writhing in hell, for eternity.

Sorry for the cursing - this just pisses me off like very few things do. I know it's because I have dealt with it and because I am personally offended by this (though offended doesn't begin to describe what I'm feeling), but please. THIS is your solution?

Comments:

Carol Urban said...

Uh, this makes me kinda want to wish cancer on them FOR REAL! Then they can get a dose of what millions of people struggle with.

April 14, 2009 at 1:33 PM

 Tina said...

I agree with both of you. Some people are soooo clueless. They have no idea what its like to suffer thru this, and I wish they could experience all the crap and pain we go thru with the treatments, etc. One can only hope they'll figure it out someday and be filled with remorse. There is just no excuse for this!

April 14, 2009 at 1:38 PM

 Amanda: said...

That's just so sad... Can you imagine being that desperate? I wonder what karma has in store for them... Why do there have to be people like that in the world?

April 15, 2009 at 7:56 AM

 Caroline said...

I was just blogging about another moron around here who did the same thing - faked cancer. What do these people think? Obviously they don't think. That is the problem.

June 6, 2009 at 3:24 AM

APRIL 12, 2009

Happy Easter!

I am not a religious person, per se, though I do have my own opinions on the matter. But, in spite of that, I use these holidays to reflect on my life (especially lately) and to take stock of where I've been, what we've been through, and to look forward to the next several decades of my life. 

So, to all of you out there, Happy Easter/Passover, and hugs to you all. 

This weekend was Julia's 7th birthday party, and it inevitably made me think of where I was last year at this time. Her birthday was really the last big celebration we had in our family before I was diagnosed in May. I was thinking a lot yesterday about the kind of person I was back then, and how I was able to live life having this beast inside of me and not knowing it was there. I thank God that I was given the chance to be diagnosed, because it saved my life. Literally.

So, we had 12 kids at the party yesterday, and in spite of living in AZ, it rained. First rainfall in 9 weeks, and it had to be yesterday. So, all of my cool ideas for letting the kids run off their sugar-intake outside were blown to bits. Instead, we played inside. P.S. -If you are holding a child's birthday party, 2 hours is a great time frame. :-)

While I want to sit and ponder the thoughts running through my head about the upcoming cancerversary, I have laundry to do. I have bills to pay (blech) and I have an Easter dinner to go to. So, I'll end by saying that the next month will be, for me, fairly emotional as I get my blood work back, and start thinking about where I was at this time last year. And, I am sure among the emotions I will experience will be mourning, sorrow, joy, excitement, and relief. 

Happy Easter all! Bunny hugs!

Comments:

Daria said...

Happy Easter and hugs to you too!

April 12, 2009 at 11:55 AM

 Amanda: said...

Cancerversary - I like that!! Can I use that?? I promise to give you all the credit :)

Joshua will celebrate at the beginning of May - he will hit 5 years since diagnosis. In December, we'll hit 5 years from the end of treatment. Whoa - feels funny writing that.

Hope your Easter was so very blessed!!!

April 13, 2009 at 7:55 AM

Later:

Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Ti.....

Do you need a smile? Watch this.

Comments:

Daria said...

Very cool!

April 12, 2009 at 12:11 PM

APRIL 9, 2009

Keeping people (Tina/Carol) in my thoughts...

When I started this blog, my main intention was to keep friends and family informed of my progress through this journey. I was afraid that I wasn't going to have the energy, the strength, or quite frankly the desire to talk with everyone to tell them how I was doing, discuss my progress, etc. After having to make so many phone calls the weekend I was diagnosed and having to go through the story over and over and over again, I realized that I couldn't do that every week, nor could I expect my family to do the same. I also came to realize that talking about my disease and letting those feelings out helped me to release the anxiety and fear that I was feeling. It also allowed me to accept that I have these feelings, and putting them on paper (virtually anyways) seems to give me the freedom to let things go so I can move on with my life.

An unexpected side benefit of this blog was that it provided others with information about this thing called colon cancer. It has allowed others to see that young people CAN and DO get colon cancer, and that you can still live your life while fighting the big C. I have allowed this blog to be posted on the internet freely, and my hopes in doing that were that other patients and survivors would find this, and that my struggles might help them, give them hope, etc. I have been blessed beyond belief to have others contact me, telling me that they enjoy my posts and that they get a sense of hope from what I write. I try to be honest (though, as my brother told me and made me realize, I do hold some very personal things, thoughts, etc. back) and to provide people with a very real idea of what going through something like this is. 

I have (virtually and personally) met some of the most amazing people through this blog. I have been contacted by people (sometimes weekly or more often) telling me that they came across my blog on the internet or through other people. I have been told that I provide them with information, hope, etc. In truth, these people provide me with a sense of purpose, a sense that I have been given this challenge because I CAN beat this, and because I am meant to move forward with my story. It provides me with a feeling of meaning. It helps me to push forward, to keep fighting, and to know that I am making a difference in someone's life. If I can affect ONE person, it's all worth it. 

It also lets me know that I am having a positive impact on my kids, and providing them with an amazing example. I feel like this is going to be a good thing for my family (at least, with respect to some things), and that we are all stronger, better people because of what we have had to go through (both immediate and extended family). 

I have had people go and get their colonoscopies because of what I have gone through. These are people that wouldn't have otherwise gone. I have had people come up at work and ask me about their results, their symptoms, their family members. I have met the most amazing people through this journey. 

And, Carol and Tina are some of the people that I have met (virtually, anyways). Carol and I have been in contact since the first of the year - she and I ended our chemo at around the same time (I believe) and we both had our ports removed earlier this year. We were able to talk about these procedures, and it's such a relief when you are going through something like this to have someone to talk through. I am not sure how Tina found me (through Carol, I suspect), but I have been in contact with Tina over the past month or so. Tina lives in MN near where we lived for 4 years, and was recently diagnosed with colon cancer. She just started chemo yesterday, and is on her road to survivorship and kicking this thing. Carol and I have been trying to provide Tina with information to make this a little easier, and I hope that my blog has at least given Tina some hope. 

So, Tina - keep on keepin' on. It's not a fun road. It's not a journey any of us would have chosen to take. However, we were chosen because we can get through it. We can beat this. And, we can become active, loud, effective advocates for this cause. We can teach others through our experience that prevention and testing is the key to eradicating this disease in the future. We can help others understand the symptoms, and push them to get the their colonoscopies. And, we can help support others going through this, to let them know that they aren't alone and that there are others that truly, honestly, and completely understand what they are going through. For me, my heart lies with colon cancer awareness and young adult cancer patient/survivor awareness. And, I'll keep fighting. It's the only choice I have. :-)

Comments:

Tina said...

Michelle, you have succeeded in your desire to help others! I found your blog thru a search not long after I was diagnosed, and each time I go thru something new I go back to your blog and reread your experience. Its helped me more than I can say. Your e-mails and comments (and Carol's too!) make me feel strong and determined to make it thru this. And they often make me smile :-) I started my blog for the same reasons, to get info out to my friends and family (after 1 weekend of many calls and e-mails, I knew I had to start a blog!), and I also had the thought that if I share alot of details, maybe I can help someone else thru this thing called cancer. I hope I can be as inspirational as you and Carol have been!!
oh-I only go in on Wed., and they give me the Leukovorin and Oxiliplatin together, for 2 hours. On Friday I'll have a nurse come to the house to disconnect my pump, flush my port with saline, and put in some heparin to prevent blood clots. I am fortunate that my ins. co. agreed to pay for the home visit, some don't.

April 9, 2009 at 11:11 AM

 Daria said...

Yes your blogging does help people. Never forget that.

All the best to you.

April 9, 2009 at 1:08 PM

 Carol Urban said...

I thank God for allowing me to find you and Tina.

My mother wanted me to keep a journal during cancer treatment but I honestly didn't have the strength to do it; physically or emotionally. Now I regret that I didn't. Reading your blog has helped me to relive that.

My husband thinks reading what other patients are going through is a depressing thing. I told him I think it's inspirational!

It's helped me realize I am not alone in how I felt going through treatment and that I'm not alone now.

April 9, 2009 at 3:00 PM

APRIL 7, 2009

SURPRISE!

Again, just posting things as they come into my head - that seems to happen a lot lately. I think it's my brain's way of dealing with everything.

I realized this morning that being diagnosed with cancer has given me this amazing capability of being able to take whatever life throws at me, with a little dignity, (hopefully) a little patience, and a dose of laughter. I think when you are told "YOU HAVE CANCER" you are given one of the biggest surprises of your life. I think very few people expect to hear those words, at least at first. After that, life kind of becomes a blur, and you learn to take whatever fate throws at you, and you learn that you can take so much and be so strong.

So, once you have made it through the initial fear and shock and horror, you realize that you had the strength and dignity and willpower and humor to make it through one of the most horrible events of a lifetime.

Some of you know what I have been through over the past several years. It's still not over. I don't know that, much to my dismay, it will ever be. But, I know that I can handle it. I know that I can take it, and deal with it, and make the best of it, and come out of it with a smile on my face. There might be a little sarcasm mixed in there, but hey - I'm a New Yorker!

If you were recently diagnosed, or if you have been in remission for 20 years, remember that you have the tools to handle whatever is thrown at you. You can get through it with a smile on your face, perhaps a little acid on your tongue, and prove to fate, or destiny, or whatever that you are better than you thought you were.

(Sometimes, if I put it here, it helps me to remember these things when I need them personally.)

Comments:

Amanda: said...

Amen! Now, you just need to write that down and stick it where you can see it, because there still might be hard days ahead (though I certainly hope not!) :)

April 7, 2009 at 7:27 AM

 Carol Urban said...

I remember how hard it was hearing the word CANCER.

I was by myself. I was scared and cried. The doctor had no bedside manner. He may have been a good surgeon but not a good doctor.

I think doctors should think before they speak and definitely not tell the patient that she doesn't have much time and will probably die.

What if I had gone home and killed myself rather than face my cancer head on by deciding to go through surgery and treatment?

I would hope no patient ever has a doctor like that! Thank God another doctor pointed me in the right direction in finding another surgeon.

I thank God for Dr. Kevin McGrath and Dr. Jim Moser. I would not be alive without the two of them.

April 9, 2009 at 2:51 PM

APRIL 5, 2009

Several thoughts in one post - aren't you lucky?

I have been meaning to update this blog with several thoughts, and every time I think to do it, it's an odd time or I'm driving or about to go to sleep or, um, working. So, here's some of the things that have been running through my head.

Regarding the update on the Colon Cancer Alliance, we have officially been named a chapter. Thus, you are now reading the blog of the Co-Chair of the Colon Cancer Alliance, Central Arizona Chapter. Woo! They ladies asked me to be the co-chair, and I am humbled and honored at their request. I am working with (and getting to know) 4 of the most amazing women I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, and the excitement at the potential of this group is unlimited. We had a big push for awareness in March, and we have several events in April, the biggest of which is the Women's Expo in Phoenix. This event will be held April 25th and 26th at the University of Phoenix Stadium (where the Arizona Cardinals play, and where the Super Bowl was held in 2008). We are so excited - it looks like we are going to have our own table. It's an amazing way to get the word out to 20,000+ women, and since I have never been to this event, I am even more excited! We have several other things happening, and I will try to keep you all in the loop. We are in the process of getting a Facebook page set up, as well as getting our CCA webpage updated with events, contact information, etc. I will post that all when I have it. Meantime, if you are interested in becoming a member of our chapter, it's a free membership, and we will be able to keep you updated with the events, awareness materials, etc. Feel free to contact me through this blog, and I will send you the membership form. 

What else? I wanted to update you on my latent side-effects from chemo. They are better, but still there in a way that reminds me daily of what I have been through. Kind of a swift kick in the arse. The neuropathy has gotten much better, though I do still notice it occasionally in my feet and fingers. It's not nearly as bad as it was. Matter of fact, I ended up taking myself off of the Alpha Lipoic Acid because it started causing serious heartburn immediately after taking it. And, since then, I have been great. It's almost like my body was saying, hey - that's enough. We're good now. :-) 

Chemo brain - well, this is one side effect that I wish I could say was gone and forgotten, but truthfully, I am still struggling with it. I expect that I will have bouts of it occasionally - I am getting better, but there are days when I literally wake up knowing it's going to be a tough day to get through. There's just a feeling, and I am learning to cope with it as best as I can. I hate it, but the days I wake up feeling like a nincompoop are fewer and far between, so I am hopeful that one day, they will just disappear. 

The oddest thing has happened lately - I have been sensitive to cold things again. By no means has it been as bad as it was while I was on chemo (Tina, this is the one thing I can guarantee you will surprise, shock, and infuriate you when you start chemo!). But, I have noticed recently that holding cold things and eating/drinking really cold things has been more difficult. It's not nearly as bad as it was last year, but I feel like it's gotten worse in the last couple of weeks. Case in point - before this week, I hadn't had problems putting, say, ice cubes into a drink. This week, though, touching the ice made my fingers freeze almost instantly. Last night, we went to dinner and I had a margarita, frozen. Dumb move. Can you say immediate brain freeze? I couldn't finish the drink. I mean, I took a single sip of this drink, and the brain freeze was so bad it made my eyes tear up and I couldn't speak to tell Levi what was wrong. It sucked! So, I will be backing off of the cold stuff for a while, which I am not impressed with and will definitely be asking my doctor about on the 22nd. 

There was something else I was going to mention, but I can't remember. Oh well - see, you get used to it.

Let's see - OH! Remember when I posted about my facial breakouts? They were awful - painful, tender, inflamed, infected, etc. It was a pretty picture by any means. At 32 years old, I shouldn't be embarrassed to have my husband look me in the face with no makeup on, and I was. I wouldn't let him see me - it was that bad. Well, I took some time (and money) and headed to Ulta, a hair/make-up store here in AZ, and spoke with an associate. She has seen this before and helped me get into a facial routine that is gentle, works with facial breakouts, and helped my skin calm down. I also spent some time and had a facial - something I had never done before. Honestly, this was probably the best $60 I have ever spent. The lady that took care of me has been doing this for 25 years and has actually had some experience with this case before, so she had ideas on what could help me. It was amazing - I won't say that my face is completely clear now, but the difference is unbelievable. I feel like I should have taken before and after pictures, it was that severe. 

I think that's all the chemo-related things to post about. I'm sure I'll remember something later, but I'll just post another entry. :-)

I wanted to mention something that I discovered while I was in England. As you know, I enjoyed my trip immensely. I had a wonderful time, and loved spending the time with my brother and Tom. It was like a dream come true. While I was there, though, I found myself getting anxious to get home. It took me a while to figure out why I was feeling like that. On the plane ride home, it dawned on me. 

At 32 years of age, after several job changes, medical issues, the birth of two children, more moves than I want to remember or admit, and several rounds of ups and downs in personal and professional arenas, I am finally happy with my life. I am happy with who I am personally, I am happy with the life I have, I am proud of what I have accomplished, and I am grateful for what I have. I think this revelation came about for many reasons, the biggest of which was being diagnosed with cancer. 

While I was in London, I was provided with the opportunity to reflect on what I have been through in the past year. I was given the chance to look at my life from a distance, and make a comparison to someone else's life. I think that people are always looking for a better way, a different avenue, an alternate path to happiness. Americans, I think, are programmed to constantly look for bigger, better, faster, stronger things. Material items that will somehow prove to others that you are better than they are. We are constantly comparing our lives to the lives of others - keeping up with the Jones', so to speak. We are raised in a world that teaches us that the grass might be greener on the other side, that there might be a better way to do something. And, I was guilty of that. I was always looking for the next best thing, whether it was clothes, cell phone, music, car, job, etc. You are trained to NOT be happy with what you have. I think getting cancer and being forced, truly forced, to reevaluate my life made me realize that I am so happy with where I am right now. 

Who wouldn't be? Sure, there are negatives. I had cancer. Big deal. My husband doesn't have a job right now. Oh well. Here are the positives, as I see them.

Yes, I had cancer. Without it, I wouldn't have the view of life that I have now. My kids wouldn't have the relationship with my parents that they have now, nor would they have the relationship they have with Levi and me. My relationship with my husband is, by far, the best it has ever been, in 7 years of marriage and 9+ years of friendship/dating. I have been blessed with getting to know (in person and virtually) the most amazing people in the entire world. I was given the chance to learn about this entire community of people that I otherwise wouldn't have been privy to. I have been given the gift of seeing the beauty in the mountains, the flowers, the sky, my kids, my family...everything. 

So, my husband doesn't have a job. Yes, that sucks. But, it looks like he will be heading back to New York in a couple of weeks. His old boss has said that he has work for Levi, and while he will have to be away from us for the summer (and maybe longer), he has a job. That's more than millions of Americans can say right now.

I don't have to look elsewhere for happiness. I have it right here. I have my gorgeous children. I have my amazing husband. I have a family that loves me unconditionally, that trusts me and cherishes me and enjoys me. I have the most amazing group of friends anyone has ever been blessed with. Those friendships span the entire world, and I know that, in a moment's notice, I can contact one of them with a question, need, or desire, and they would respond without hesitation.

How can one not be grateful for this life? I am completely and utterly shocked and humbled and honored and amazed and grateful and......really, there aren't words to describe the feelings I have about where I am in my life now. And, to have this revelation while I am still so young? My God - how did I get so lucky?

My wish for you? That you too have the same verve for life - that you have the same realization, and that you start living the life you were given, rather than searching for the life that you think you should be living. Take a moment to look at your life, to look at the blessing that you have, and think about this amazing time you have here on the Earth. It's such an extraordinary life we live. Cherish it. Cherish what you have. And, cherish those that you love. 

It could all be yanked out from underneath you at any moment......while you have it, enjoy it. That's what life is all about. That's what living is all about.

Comments:

Amanda: said...

Michelle - that's an awesome post. I especially love seeing how your outlook has changed so much since you were first diagnosed and heading down this road. It's certainly not a path everyone can handle as well as you did. And it's awesome to see you in the place where you can see how it was actually a blessing in disguise :)

April 6, 2009 at 9:25 AM

 Tina said...

Alot of the blessings you are feeling I am feeling too. Its hard to put into words! I have been overwhelmed by everyone's well wishes, and kindness. And my family! I can see so clearly now why God gave them to me! (Because there have been times that I wondered...)
I hope I can get through chemo as well as you did and still feel so blessed! :-) Thanks for keeping up on the blog, and being so honest about everything!

April 6, 2009 at 2:39 PM

 Carol Urban said...

Michelle, what an amazingly insightful post! There's no Chemo fog surrounding your brain. It works just fine!

I agree with you. I appreciate everything so much more now. I let things slide that in the past I would have had a conniption over! Doesn't seem important anymore.

I still say I'm glad I found you online. One day I would like to meet you and Tina in person.

April 7, 2009 at 2:39 PM