Friday, November 11, 2011

NOVEMBER 11, 2011


5th abdominal surgery in 10 years is done!  I am now a uterus-free woman.  :)  Forgive me if this is TMI or rambling - I'm still under the influence of prescription pain meds.

Prep sucked, which is what I expected.  I've now done 4 different types of bowel prep, and I don't think any of them are fun.  The pills are definitely, in my opinion, the least suck-y prep.  The Half-Lytely is definitely in the running for the worst tasting.  I don't like knowing these things.  Just saying.

So, Tuesday morning, after dropping the kids at school, I headed into Phoenix to pick Levi up from the airport.  We went home, dropped his stuff off at the house, and drove into the hospital with Mom in tow.  I sat in the waiting room for about 10 minutes, then I was called into pre-op.  As usual, when the nurses found out I was diagnosed with colon cancer at 31 years old, they started asking the questions that I usually hear.  What were your symptoms?  Do you have a family history?  How did you know?  How were you treated?  I answered them (several times, as I was there during shift change) and hopefully taught them something.

We got the IV put in after the second attempt (both were in my forearm - ouch - and the first hit a valve, leaving a nice bruise), and Levi, Mom and I sat in the pre-op room until about 3:30, when I was wheeled back into surgery.  The OR was pretty large (and cold), and I was only awake long enough to see the HUGE television that's used during the Da Vinci procedure, as well as the robot they use.  Pretty cool, all in all.

I remember joking with the nurses about what movie they were going to watch on the television, and then waking up in recovery.  I remember being sore and tired.  My throat hurt from the breathing tube, and my belly hurt.  The good news was that they were able to do the entire procedure via the Da Vinci, meaning I only have 4 small incisions (about 1 inch each), rather than a larger single incision.  That should cut down on my recovery time.

Tuesday night was a mess of pain meds and sleeping.  I didn't sleep much that night, since we were trying to control the pain.  Thank goodness for IV pain meds, since the oral meds didn't touch the pain!  Wednesday was spent trying to get up, walking around, moving the air in my belly around, and trying to expel that air.  :)  That didn't happen until last night, by the way.  *sigh*  Ouch is all I can say.

Wednesday wasn't too bad, but we didn't see the doctor until  about 8:30pm.  I stayed that night as well, as we finally got the pain under control with Motrin and Vicodin.  I was released yesterday at around 11am, and spent the day in the recliner in the living room.  Levi got my pain meds and helped me a ton, and I got to see the kids and have dinner with the family.

Last night wasn't too bad.  Like I said, my biggest issue was the gas in my belly.  The  pockets of air in there were from the air they inserted to allow them to see what was going on, so it took some time to get that reabsorbed and released.  That's finally happening, and I can't tell you how happy I am about that.

So, what was causing the pain?  My doctor said that when I had the colon resection, my uterus (which tipped forward naturally) sat against the scar of the resection and thus sealed itself to the inside of my abdomen.  He said he had never seen anything like it - it was completely sealed to my insides.  This is part of what was causing me such pain when I stood up - my uterus was pulling against my entire abdomen.  In addition to that, my right ovary (which they removed) was completely encased in scar tissue.  Removal was the only solution to that.  In addition to that, my left ovary had some scar tissue on it, and had started to fuse itself to my bladder.  Luckily, we caught that in time, and the dr was able to detach the ovary from the bladder without causing damage to either one.  He can't guarantee that I won't have issues in the future, but he did what he could.

At this point, I'm very much looking forward to getting my shower and taking a nap.  I'm feeling ok - the pain in under control, so that's helpful.  Right now, I'm dealing with the disconnect between my head (which tells me I should be able to do more than I can) and my body (which is telling me to take it easy).  I'm doing my best to not overdo it, and I can definitely see that this is going to be my biggest challenge over the next couple of weeks.  I don't like depending on others, so I don't make a very good patient.  But, I'm definitely trying.

Off I go to take my first shower in 4 days (gross) and probably take a nap.  Levi and I may take a short drive later today, for a change of view for me.  The kids are off at the sitters, celebrating Veteran's Day and honoring all of those who have sacrificed for our freedoms.

I'll update more as I can.  Meantime, I'm off to get clean.  Finally.  :)

Whidbey Woman said...
Thanks so much, Michelle, for posting an update. I was wondering how you were going. Isn't technology amazing? I bet years ago, your recovery time would have been much, much longer. Hang in there, girlfriend!
November 12, 2011 at 8:29 AM

Monday, November 7, 2011

NOVEMBER 7, 2011


Who giddily watches clips of New Kids on the Block while prepping for surgery?  And tells everyone about it?  (Pointng to self) *THIS GIRL!*
Nic, I was thinking of you....there are some amazing clips from this summer's tour on youtube.  LOVE my (ok, our) boys!  :)  They make me happy.
Yes, I'm a dork.  So what?  Gotta keep myself distracted somehow.   

Comments:

I'm Nic. said...

I'm all about the NKOTB curing what ails us! I listened to their Greatest Hits album (and sang "The Right Stuff" on the top of my lungs) while J. drove me to the hospital when I was in labour! May I suggest Youtubing their 1990 (year I think) appearance on Oprah...the one where Joe sings Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night" *swoon*. GOOD LUCK with the surgery. (Caps are annoying but of the utmost importance in this case! :) )
November 8, 2011 at 7:44 AM

Friday, November 4, 2011

NOVEMBER 4, 2011


I've been working remote most of this week, for a few reasons.  One, I started this week and the pain has been almost unbearable.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not going to explain it to you.  Go ask your mother.  :)  The prep for the surgery has told me to try not to take meds, but I finally broke down yesterday.  I was almost in tears when I stood up.  And, last night, the pain literally woke me out of a dead sleep.

I have to say, I'm really have mixed feeling about this surgery.  I don't know why.  It doesn't make sense to me.  But, I'm trying to just go with it and realize that this is probably normal.  I think there's several factors about this that have me nervous.

I've had time to think about this surgery, and I'm realizing that's probably not a good thing.  I've done enough research (dumb me) to scare the crap out of myself.  At the same time, I know that after a short period of time, this will be worth it.  I hope.  What if this doesn't resolve the pain issues I'm having.  Then what?  (See - brain in overdrive....not good.)  And, what if they have issues while I'm under?  I got a call from the hospital yesterday, asking me to come in on Monday for some pre-op paperwork and some more blood work.  Apparently, the dr wants my blood type and some other blood work done (on top of what I had taken at his office earlier this week), and I have some other "tests" or something that I have to go through.  I'm going to be there for 90 minutes.  I don't remember having any of this done when I went in for any other surgery.  But, they were all a) to have babies or b) emergencies.  Is that a factor?  I don't know.  Why would he want my blood type if he wasn't worried about giving me a transfusion?  Is that normal?  *sigh*  See - anxiety.  I can feel my pulse racing, my heart beat speeding up, and my shoulders tighten up.

This past week, I've been watching the shows on tv that feature birth stories.  And, I've been crying each time.  I don't know why.  My body can't bear any more children.  I wonder if I'm only now really dealing with that.  When they were performing my C-Section with Kevin and we made the decision to tie my tubes, it was easy.  I was going to have a baby to take home, and I didn't want to be pregnant any more.  Because of that decision, I can't bear more children.  Mentally, I get that.  But, this removal of my baby-making parts completely?  I don't know why this is effecting me so much.  I don't think I want any more babies.  I can't imagine being pregnant, having any more kids, starting over with a new baby at this point in my life.  The fear of what the chemo and other stuff I've had pumped into me might have done to my remaining eggs is enough to keep me from *wanting* to conceive again.  And yet, I find myself mourning the not-so-real loss of my ability to bear more children.  I can't right now, even if I wanted to.  So, why am I watching these new mothers and their precious bundles of cuddles and hugs and sobbing like I've lost the ability to have kids altogether?  I don't know.  But, there it is.

Because I've been much more aware of  my body, I've been in a lot more pain this month.  Coincidence?  Not sure.  Is it that I'm noticing the pain more, or that it's worse?  Who knows.  All I know is that I can't be upright and standing/walking without medical pain relief, and my heating pad has become a constant companion.  I can't do all of the things that I want to do to prepare my family and the house for my recovery time.  I want to get the house clean, catch up on things I haven't done yet (like laundry, leaning out closets, taking the kids' stuff to the consignment shop, getting meals together, etc.), and try to relax with the kids.  I'm hoping I can remember that the very last item is the most important, and the rest will fall into place.  I have a list of things I want to work on this weekend, and while I keep crossing things off here and there, I also keep adding to it.  Are there enough hours in the next couple of days?  Yes.  Are there enough Advil in the house?  Not sure.  Add another item to the to-do list.

On top of all this, I'm still concerned about the level of uncertainty with this surgery.  I'm sure the dr is very good at what he does - I've heard from several ppl that he's a great dr.  He seems very good at what he does, but his bedside manner kind of sucks.  I think he may have forgotten that while this is routine surgery for him, it's not for me.  I'm going to try to remind him of this (gently) this upcoming week.  I've got a level of anxiety about what they are going to do.  I get the choices, and why they can't tell me more specifically what they are going to do until they get in there.  In my head, I totally get that.  And, it doesn't help one iota because I still don't like not knowing.  It's very difficult to plan for 4 weeks out of commission versus 8 weeks out of commission.  I like knowing what's happening.  Here, I don't as much as I'd like to.  That makes me unhappy.

What else?  I've had a lot rolling around in my head, and trying to make sure I'm not losing my mind while prepping everything/one for the upcoming downtime is really starting to take its toll.  Levi will be home on Tuesday morning (he is working all weekend to allow him to be home for the surgery as well as recovery).  That helps, but it doesn't give me much relief this weekend.  I don't want to ask my parents to take the kids, since they'll be helping out so much over the next couple of weeks, and they've already done SO MUCH for us over the past 4 years.  It seems so unfair that I've had to depend on them so much.  I'm 35 years old - I should be independent and able to care for my family.  I can't, and I hate it.

Being broken sucks.

I'm hoping that getting this out here will help get it out of my mind, and will help me kind of deal with what I've been going through.  I know that what I'm going through is minor compared to what others are going through. I know I've been through worse.  For some reason, this one is bothering me more than the others, and I can't figure out why.  I feel like I'm making mountains out of molehills, and I'm doubting my body's ability to recognize pain.  I'm fearful that they will get inside of me and say, "What the hell was she talking about?  There's nothing here!"  I don't want to be a big baby and have people think I'm taking advantage of them, of the situation, of the surgery and recovery.  I want to be able to live a normal life.  And, for the past several years, I haven't really been able to do that.

Maybe that's what this is all about.  Maybe my frustration is coming from the repeated assault on my body.  Could it be that this is one in a long line of panics, surgeries, feeling like an invalid, and the emotions are finally coming to the surface?  From the relaxation in my shoulders as I typed that, maybe.  I'll need to parse that out today as I'm running around.

Today's plans are to finish things up at work, set my voice mail and Out-of-Office notification as being out on medical leave, then log off the network at work for the final time before surgery.  I have to pick up some paperwork from the drs office, make a few phone calls, run some errands, then I'm going to take myself to the nail salon for a pedicure, manicure and brow wax.  After that, the kids and I have a *ton* of errands to run (assuming the blowing dust here doesn't deter us from that), and I can hopefully mark another item or two off the list without adding anything more.

Do you think I'm crazy?  Do you think I'm losing my mind.....or, do you think that this is all normal?  I just don't know.

Comments:

Jeannie said...
I think what you are feeling is normal. Plus you had more time to think about the surgery. While it is sometimes nice to have the time to fully process a procedure before it happens, in my experience it is better for me to have less time to think about it. I know when I had several months to ponder my colectomy, I thought I was going to go crazy with anxiety. I don't really mean to compare the two surgeries b/c the colectomy doesn't involve the same emotional aspects as a hysterectomy but I can draw a comparison on how the anxiety compounds from having so much time to think about it.

I'll be thinking about you and praying for it to go well next week.
November 4, 2011 at 7:10 AM
Blogger Whidbey Woman said...
Michelle, There is nothing I can say that will take away your anxiety and even your mourning... yes, the loss of how your body use to be. All I can say is thank you, for your honesty. You never ever try to sugar coat things, and I admire that greatly. I can learn from that. I always feel like I have to be positive, be strong. And there are times life, especially cancer, just sucks!
I wish I was down there to help you in some way... just listen, while you talk things out; provide meals for the family, clean house, watch the kids, etc. Instead, I'll just pray... for a calm spirit, smooth surgery, and no complications post-op. LIVESTRONG!
November 6, 2011 at 9:08 AM
Blogger Carol Pack Urban said...
I think you are grieving for a part of your life that will be over; moving on to a new part of your life that is scary, at least for now. It's okay to be sad at this loss.
November 6, 2011 at 5:47 PM
Blogger I'm Nic. said...
I think your feelings are totally valid and normal. You are losing the tools that made your babies...anyone would mourn that. Thinking of you...
November 8, 2011 at 7:46 AM

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

NOVEMBER 1, 2011


7 days from today, I will have surgery to remove my uterus, cervix, hopefully the scar tissue, and possibly my ovary(ies) and part of my colon.  I know this doesn't make any sense, but I feel like I'm mourning this loss.  Stupid, right?

My tubes are tied.  This baby-making factory is closed.  Finito.  For shizzel.  However, this pending loss of a hope I've had for a while makes me a little sad.  I've always wanted to donate my eggs to my brother and his fiancee to allow them to have babies.  I had hoped (until stupid cancer) to host their child in my womb, and to give them the greatest gift ever.  Even after having my tubes tied, this was still a possibility.  Even if I couldn't bear another child physically, I still had the option to give them my eggs.  After next week, that hope is gone.  I'm in mourning for something that was only ever a remote possibility.  I feel silly.  I don't want another child (don't get me wrong - I'd love one, but I know we made the right choice for our family.)  But, I wanted to be able to help Jim and Tom experience being parents, and to know all the joy and fear and amazement and wonderment and fun it is to have children.

Not only that, but since I was having such a hard time with my 35th birthday (I don't know why....please don't ask), I feel like this is just another blow, telling me I'm not young anymore.  "Listen, lady, you're 35.  Your 30s have sucked thus far, and we (your reproductive organs) have decided to make life suck a little more.  Welcome to middle age."  I think, fundamentally, my problem (or part of it) lies with the fact that despite being 35, married with two kids, etc., I still feel like I'm a 16 year old kid, play-acting at being an adult.  And, having all of that potential being taken away from me?  Sucks.

I'm happy to have the surgery.  The constant pain lately is awful.  I can't get comfortable.  I have some relief, but the pain is always there in the small of my back, a constant reminder.  I have a new respect for people who suffer from chronic pain.  Until you go through that, I don't think you can possibly understand the level of exhaustion (mentally and physically) that comes with it.  I am tired *all the time*.  I have to watch my level of pain to make sure it doesn't get ahead of me, esp since I'm trying not to take too much medicine.  It's a fine line I'm walking right now.  Last night, I pushed myself to go trick-or-treating with the kids.  I don't regret it at all, but I'll pay today.  Guess it's a good thing my surgery is next week.

That's my pity party for next week.  When push comes to shove, I need to have this done to maintain a quality of life.  I'm glad that they were able to get me in, and I'm glad that I'll have time to recover.  I'm sad that this will put be on the DL for the holidays, but I'm hopeful that I can recover in time to help with T'giving dinner, decorating the C'mas tree, etc.  Black Friday shopping appears to be out of the question :(, so I'll be online shopping (assuming I win the lotto).  I'm glad my kids don't count gifts.  :)

Off I go to continue trying to get things pulled together.  The kids had a blast last night, and they are still sleeping.  I'm not worried - I want them to rest up.  We had two families join us for trick-or-treating (so much fun!) and our new neighborhood is awesome!  Finally got to meet some of our neighbors....thinking it's time to break out the cookie molds and get some neighbor-ly crafts/baskets started!  Enjoy your first day of November - Christmas music starts soon!  *Favorite time of year!!!!*

Comments:

Whidbey Woman said...

Michelle, As always, I appreciate your honesty and candidness. Thank you for sharing what is in your heart. You are strong. You will work through this. Livestrong.
November 2, 2011 at 7:42 PM