7 days
from today, I will have surgery to remove my uterus, cervix, hopefully the scar
tissue, and possibly my ovary(ies) and part of my colon. I know this
doesn't make any sense, but I feel like I'm mourning this loss. Stupid,
right?
My tubes are tied. This baby-making factory is closed. Finito. For shizzel. However, this pending loss of a hope I've had for a while makes me a little sad. I've always wanted to donate my eggs to my brother and his fiancee to allow them to have babies. I had hoped (until stupid cancer) to host their child in my womb, and to give them the greatest gift ever. Even after having my tubes tied, this was still a possibility. Even if I couldn't bear another child physically, I still had the option to give them my eggs. After next week, that hope is gone. I'm in mourning for something that was only ever a remote possibility. I feel silly. I don't want another child (don't get me wrong - I'd love one, but I know we made the right choice for our family.) But, I wanted to be able to help Jim and Tom experience being parents, and to know all the joy and fear and amazement and wonderment and fun it is to have children.
Not only that, but since I was having such a hard time with my 35th birthday (I don't know why....please don't ask), I feel like this is just another blow, telling me I'm not young anymore. "Listen, lady, you're 35. Your 30s have sucked thus far, and we (your reproductive organs) have decided to make life suck a little more. Welcome to middle age." I think, fundamentally, my problem (or part of it) lies with the fact that despite being 35, married with two kids, etc., I still feel like I'm a 16 year old kid, play-acting at being an adult. And, having all of that potential being taken away from me? Sucks.
I'm happy to have the surgery. The constant pain lately is awful. I can't get comfortable. I have some relief, but the pain is always there in the small of my back, a constant reminder. I have a new respect for people who suffer from chronic pain. Until you go through that, I don't think you can possibly understand the level of exhaustion (mentally and physically) that comes with it. I am tired *all the time*. I have to watch my level of pain to make sure it doesn't get ahead of me, esp since I'm trying not to take too much medicine. It's a fine line I'm walking right now. Last night, I pushed myself to go trick-or-treating with the kids. I don't regret it at all, but I'll pay today. Guess it's a good thing my surgery is next week.
That's my pity party for next week. When push comes to shove, I need to have this done to maintain a quality of life. I'm glad that they were able to get me in, and I'm glad that I'll have time to recover. I'm sad that this will put be on the DL for the holidays, but I'm hopeful that I can recover in time to help with T'giving dinner, decorating the C'mas tree, etc. Black Friday shopping appears to be out of the question :(, so I'll be online shopping (assuming I win the lotto). I'm glad my kids don't count gifts. :)
Off I go to continue trying to get things pulled together. The kids had a blast last night, and they are still sleeping. I'm not worried - I want them to rest up. We had two families join us for trick-or-treating (so much fun!) and our new neighborhood is awesome! Finally got to meet some of our neighbors....thinking it's time to break out the cookie molds and get some neighbor-ly crafts/baskets started! Enjoy your first day of November - Christmas music starts soon! *Favorite time of year!!!!*
My tubes are tied. This baby-making factory is closed. Finito. For shizzel. However, this pending loss of a hope I've had for a while makes me a little sad. I've always wanted to donate my eggs to my brother and his fiancee to allow them to have babies. I had hoped (until stupid cancer) to host their child in my womb, and to give them the greatest gift ever. Even after having my tubes tied, this was still a possibility. Even if I couldn't bear another child physically, I still had the option to give them my eggs. After next week, that hope is gone. I'm in mourning for something that was only ever a remote possibility. I feel silly. I don't want another child (don't get me wrong - I'd love one, but I know we made the right choice for our family.) But, I wanted to be able to help Jim and Tom experience being parents, and to know all the joy and fear and amazement and wonderment and fun it is to have children.
Not only that, but since I was having such a hard time with my 35th birthday (I don't know why....please don't ask), I feel like this is just another blow, telling me I'm not young anymore. "Listen, lady, you're 35. Your 30s have sucked thus far, and we (your reproductive organs) have decided to make life suck a little more. Welcome to middle age." I think, fundamentally, my problem (or part of it) lies with the fact that despite being 35, married with two kids, etc., I still feel like I'm a 16 year old kid, play-acting at being an adult. And, having all of that potential being taken away from me? Sucks.
I'm happy to have the surgery. The constant pain lately is awful. I can't get comfortable. I have some relief, but the pain is always there in the small of my back, a constant reminder. I have a new respect for people who suffer from chronic pain. Until you go through that, I don't think you can possibly understand the level of exhaustion (mentally and physically) that comes with it. I am tired *all the time*. I have to watch my level of pain to make sure it doesn't get ahead of me, esp since I'm trying not to take too much medicine. It's a fine line I'm walking right now. Last night, I pushed myself to go trick-or-treating with the kids. I don't regret it at all, but I'll pay today. Guess it's a good thing my surgery is next week.
That's my pity party for next week. When push comes to shove, I need to have this done to maintain a quality of life. I'm glad that they were able to get me in, and I'm glad that I'll have time to recover. I'm sad that this will put be on the DL for the holidays, but I'm hopeful that I can recover in time to help with T'giving dinner, decorating the C'mas tree, etc. Black Friday shopping appears to be out of the question :(, so I'll be online shopping (assuming I win the lotto). I'm glad my kids don't count gifts. :)
Off I go to continue trying to get things pulled together. The kids had a blast last night, and they are still sleeping. I'm not worried - I want them to rest up. We had two families join us for trick-or-treating (so much fun!) and our new neighborhood is awesome! Finally got to meet some of our neighbors....thinking it's time to break out the cookie molds and get some neighbor-ly crafts/baskets started! Enjoy your first day of November - Christmas music starts soon! *Favorite time of year!!!!*
Comments:
Whidbey
Woman said...
Michelle,
As always, I appreciate your honesty and candidness. Thank you for sharing what
is in your heart. You are strong. You will work through this. Livestrong.
November
2, 2011 at 7:42 PM
No comments:
Post a Comment