Well, my
hopes for keeping up on this blog were far-fetched, but things will be picking
up in the next few weeks/months, more out of necessity than anything else.
And, here's why.
I had a routine CT scan this week, Monday, to be exact. I also had blood drawn, to pull (among other things) a CEA check. I have been avoiding this like the plague. I just didn't want to know - I think that, in my heart, I already knew what was going on.
Anyways, results for the CEA showed that it went from 19.7 back in July to 29.4 on Monday. *sigh* I am grateful to my friend Tara (my #wcw) for standing beside me (holding me up, truth be told) as I looked at the results, because I was shaking and nervous and a blubbering fool. She held me up when I needed it, cried with me as we realized what the results were, and helped me process the information so that I could take the next steps.
On Tuesday, Mom and I went to the doctor's appointment, prepared for bad news. And, I won't lie - it wasn't pretty. However, it wasn't as bad as it could have been (and there pops up Sunny-Side-Up-Michelle, finding the silver lining in everything....).
Results highlights - my lung tumors have increased slightly in size, i.e. 1-2mm, but there aren't any more of them. The tumor in my abdomen on my left side has grown slightly, as well. Something new popped up this time, which my doctor referred to as *interesting*, which I wasn't impressed with - there are three new enlarged lymph nodes showing up, one in my chest and two in my pelvis. They are capturing the cancer, which is good, except that they are capturing the cancer, which is, well, bad. Other than that, things looked, well - okay.
So, what's next? Because the current Xeloda/Erbitux regiment isn't working any longer, I am now off of that. And, we are looking at some scary (to me) options.
First is always the one last remaining FDA approved drug, called Regorafenib. It's a drug that works to stabilize existing tumors, but has a plethora of side effects. We would start this out slowly, and work my way up, based on how well I tolerate the drug and what side effects pop up. We are still trying to keep this in our proverbial back pocket, so on to what else we are looking at.
There is a new drug that has gone through phase 3 clinical trials and is on it's way through the FDA for final approval, called TAS102 (I don't know what the official drug name will be). The clinical trials on this one appear to be very promising, according to Dr. K., and he is working on a way to get me this medication through a system called compassionate care, which means that patients who qualify to get this drug have an opportunity to, prior to the official FDA approval, which can take months or years. Basically, they know this works, and they know the group that it could work on - this gives those patients (i,e,, me) an opportunity to receive the medication before it becomes commercially available. Dr. K. seemed to have high hopes for this one.
There is a phase 1 clinical trial (meaning it's first test on humans) at T-Gen (they are local) called a WNT Inhibitor. I just did a quick google search for this and became completely and utterly overwhelmed with the very complex medical terminology. What I do know is that this is showing, in Dr. K's words, rather impressive results for a phase 1 trial, so I am working with T-Gen (they are based on Scottsdale, about 45 minutes away) to set up an appointment to get more information about this.
Because we are at proverbial end of the road for treatments, I am going to start on a serious research mission, with the help of family and friends. I am going to look into getting a second and possibly third opinions on my case; I don't know exactly where yet - that is part of the research. But, among the possibilities are Mayo-Rochester, Dana Farber, and Johns Hopkins. There is also a facility in Nashville, TN, called Sarah Cannon Research Institute - they are one of the largest research foundations, focused on clinical trials. There are also some alternative therapies that look very promising (based on medical research, decades of effective use, and statistics showing very optimistic results). As I get more information on those, and feel comfortable sharing, I will let you know.
Meantime, there is a lot to think about.
I am currently off of chemotherapy, which is kind of scary. If I choose to do a CT (clinical trial), I have to undergo a washout period, meaning no chemo, which usually is 4-6 weeks. If you look at a calendar, that takes me to just before Thanksgiving. I am seriously considering not starting any new treatment until after the first of the year, which is a very scary thought, but here's my reasoning.
Traditional chemo isn't working. My lifelines are becoming very few and far between, and while there may still be some options on the table, truth is that my life is going to be significantly shorter than my peers. I haven't asked for a prognosis - I don't want to have a guesstimate of how much time I have left. No one really knows. I *do* know that it isn't the decades that I would like, so I have to learn to live with that.
If, and I do mean IF, this is my last holiday season/Christmas with my family. I don't want to do it while fighting off side effects from a new drug or concoction. I want to feel good during the next few months, and I want to make this holiday season one that we will always remember. I have already started by decorating the house with some fun Halloween stuff, including a very fancy-schmancy fall-themed wreath that now hangs proudly on our front door.
I have started working on the kids Halloween costumes - I usually leave this up to the stores, and simply purchase an off-the-shelf packaged deal. This year, Julia wants to be a weeping angel, a scary character from Dr. Who. So, I went to Goodwill, found some fixings for the costume, and in the next few weeks, we will be practicing with makeup to make her as scary as she wants to be. Kevin doesn't know it yet, but his costume (Pikachu, a character from Pokemon, in case you were wondering...) is already purchased and hiding in our closet. Last year, I was in the hospital for Halloween - this year, I am very much looking forward to dressing up in a sassy (maybe sexy?) little costume for our friends' annual Halloween fiesta, taking the kids trick-or-treating, and enjoying the hell out of ouor beautiful weather this time of year.
I want to make this year special; I know, they are all special. But this year, I am even that much more aware of just how damned special these memories are, and I want to do everything in my power to make this the best year yet.
So. treatment may just have to wait.
How am I doing, emotionally, with all this? Hmmmm....I have a few different viewpoints on that. I am scared, more scared than I have ever been in my entire life. I am looking at dying - maybe not today or next month or next year, but sooner that I freaking want to. And, I don't know what that's going to look like. Will my lung tumors grow so I can't breathe? Will the cancer just take over my body so I wither away to nothing, some shapeless shadow of my former self, waiting for the end? That's fucking scary - I don't care who you are. Even if you believe in an afterlife (which I do), and even if you believe in heaven, the very thought of dying - how you get to that point, and how it all ends - is one of the scariest things I have ever imagined.
So I often choose not to think about it.
I am angry. This isn't fair. I don't care what I did in a previous life - this isn't fair, on any level. I want so badly to lash out at something, some physical thing. I want to hurt it the way it's hurt me. I want to make it suffer the way I have had to, the way my kids and my husband and my parents and my family and my friends have had to. I want to make it hurt, so badly that it wants to die, then make it suffer some more. The anger is awful - it's primal, and it would completely overtake everything, if I let it.
So I don't. I can't waste energy on that, when there's no way to fulfill it. So, I ignore it.
I am sad. The thought of leaving my kids and my husband is just awful, horrible....there aren't words to describe it. The thought of leaving my husband to raise our babies is just.....I don't know. I don't doubt his ability to do it - that's not the case. It's just - he shouldn't have to. I am too damned selfish, and I want more time with my kids and my husband. I want more time with my family - my parents, my brothers and their families. Back to my kids - I don't want them to grow up without me. There are things I want to say to them, things I want to teach them and things I want to see them experience. I don't think I will be here for some of those things, and that tears my heart into millions of tiny sharp shreds, each scratching holes on my soul.
So, I try not to think about it, too much.
I have so many viewpoints on this - it's like different versions of myself, all vying for time and attention. Some, I give time to. I have to - I think it's only healthy to think about the reasons I want to live, like wanting to see my kids hit the next milestone. Some, like the anger, I can't even acknowledge for more than a moment. It becomes all consuming, and that isn't healthy.
I don't think this has all sunk in yet. I did have a good cry on Monday, after I saw the CEA results. I also think that, in my heart, I already knew, which was why I didn't even want to look. I just wanted to prolong the ignorant bubble I have been living in - I even delayed doing a CEA check a month ago, specifically because I just didn't want to know.
But, now I do. So, what do I do with it.
I don't quite know yet. Well, I do, in a broad sense. I have some research I have to do - some that I need to do myself, and some that I will be delegating out. I have already started that process - the delegating, not the research. I think I am ignoring it for now - there are so many other things that needed to get done. You know, life things. Scheduling the kids dentist appointments. Taking Julia to urgent care in half an hour, because the cold she has is taking hold and won't let go. Trying to find Kevin's homework because he "forgot it" again.
Life keeps happening, and I need to live it. I think that's how I'm handling this. Regardless of what happens with or to me. life HAS to go on. It's messy and inconvenient, but it goes on. So, I need to schedule the research, the meetings, the appointments, the thinking, the worrying, the planning - all needs to be scheduled around life.
And isn't that a wonderful thing? I am trying to relish this life - I don't know how long I will live it. How long I will have to feel this good, and to really enjoy the wonderfulness of the simple things, like sitting at my laptop, purring kitten on my lap, sleeping puppy by my feet. I don't know how long I will be able to tuck my kids into bed at night, and tell them 100 times, over and over, that I love them. I don't know how long I will have to laugh with my husband, to grab his hand as he walks by, to wrap my arms around him and hug him as tight as I can. I just don't know.
So, I keep living life. The research, the fact-finding, the decision making will all come in time. But today is busy, and tomorrow isn't looking any better.
I don't have to make a decision today or tomorrow. That day is coming soon enough. Until then, I am going to keep living life. That's how I am dealing with this. It's probably not healthy, ignoring the emotions like I am. For now, it's working for me. Today, I love my little bubble. It's a warm place, full of messy life.
And, with that, I am off to take Jules to Urgent Care, then to pick Kevin up, get dinner, come home to my clean house (thanks to three amazing ladies from CTCA who came over last night and did an amazing, AMAZING job!!!), and fall asleep in my bed, wishing my husband were here with me. I think he comes home tomorrow night - maybe I'll make him a cake. He likes chocolate, with pudding.
I think that is a good plan for dealing with the shit that cancer has thrown at me. I will bake a cake.
Fuck you, cancer. You may be trying, but I'm still living. So, fuck you - you aren't welcome here, and I am not going to stop my life for you. I've got too much living left to do.
I had a routine CT scan this week, Monday, to be exact. I also had blood drawn, to pull (among other things) a CEA check. I have been avoiding this like the plague. I just didn't want to know - I think that, in my heart, I already knew what was going on.
Anyways, results for the CEA showed that it went from 19.7 back in July to 29.4 on Monday. *sigh* I am grateful to my friend Tara (my #wcw) for standing beside me (holding me up, truth be told) as I looked at the results, because I was shaking and nervous and a blubbering fool. She held me up when I needed it, cried with me as we realized what the results were, and helped me process the information so that I could take the next steps.
On Tuesday, Mom and I went to the doctor's appointment, prepared for bad news. And, I won't lie - it wasn't pretty. However, it wasn't as bad as it could have been (and there pops up Sunny-Side-Up-Michelle, finding the silver lining in everything....).
Results highlights - my lung tumors have increased slightly in size, i.e. 1-2mm, but there aren't any more of them. The tumor in my abdomen on my left side has grown slightly, as well. Something new popped up this time, which my doctor referred to as *interesting*, which I wasn't impressed with - there are three new enlarged lymph nodes showing up, one in my chest and two in my pelvis. They are capturing the cancer, which is good, except that they are capturing the cancer, which is, well, bad. Other than that, things looked, well - okay.
So, what's next? Because the current Xeloda/Erbitux regiment isn't working any longer, I am now off of that. And, we are looking at some scary (to me) options.
First is always the one last remaining FDA approved drug, called Regorafenib. It's a drug that works to stabilize existing tumors, but has a plethora of side effects. We would start this out slowly, and work my way up, based on how well I tolerate the drug and what side effects pop up. We are still trying to keep this in our proverbial back pocket, so on to what else we are looking at.
There is a new drug that has gone through phase 3 clinical trials and is on it's way through the FDA for final approval, called TAS102 (I don't know what the official drug name will be). The clinical trials on this one appear to be very promising, according to Dr. K., and he is working on a way to get me this medication through a system called compassionate care, which means that patients who qualify to get this drug have an opportunity to, prior to the official FDA approval, which can take months or years. Basically, they know this works, and they know the group that it could work on - this gives those patients (i,e,, me) an opportunity to receive the medication before it becomes commercially available. Dr. K. seemed to have high hopes for this one.
There is a phase 1 clinical trial (meaning it's first test on humans) at T-Gen (they are local) called a WNT Inhibitor. I just did a quick google search for this and became completely and utterly overwhelmed with the very complex medical terminology. What I do know is that this is showing, in Dr. K's words, rather impressive results for a phase 1 trial, so I am working with T-Gen (they are based on Scottsdale, about 45 minutes away) to set up an appointment to get more information about this.
Because we are at proverbial end of the road for treatments, I am going to start on a serious research mission, with the help of family and friends. I am going to look into getting a second and possibly third opinions on my case; I don't know exactly where yet - that is part of the research. But, among the possibilities are Mayo-Rochester, Dana Farber, and Johns Hopkins. There is also a facility in Nashville, TN, called Sarah Cannon Research Institute - they are one of the largest research foundations, focused on clinical trials. There are also some alternative therapies that look very promising (based on medical research, decades of effective use, and statistics showing very optimistic results). As I get more information on those, and feel comfortable sharing, I will let you know.
Meantime, there is a lot to think about.
I am currently off of chemotherapy, which is kind of scary. If I choose to do a CT (clinical trial), I have to undergo a washout period, meaning no chemo, which usually is 4-6 weeks. If you look at a calendar, that takes me to just before Thanksgiving. I am seriously considering not starting any new treatment until after the first of the year, which is a very scary thought, but here's my reasoning.
Traditional chemo isn't working. My lifelines are becoming very few and far between, and while there may still be some options on the table, truth is that my life is going to be significantly shorter than my peers. I haven't asked for a prognosis - I don't want to have a guesstimate of how much time I have left. No one really knows. I *do* know that it isn't the decades that I would like, so I have to learn to live with that.
If, and I do mean IF, this is my last holiday season/Christmas with my family. I don't want to do it while fighting off side effects from a new drug or concoction. I want to feel good during the next few months, and I want to make this holiday season one that we will always remember. I have already started by decorating the house with some fun Halloween stuff, including a very fancy-schmancy fall-themed wreath that now hangs proudly on our front door.
I have started working on the kids Halloween costumes - I usually leave this up to the stores, and simply purchase an off-the-shelf packaged deal. This year, Julia wants to be a weeping angel, a scary character from Dr. Who. So, I went to Goodwill, found some fixings for the costume, and in the next few weeks, we will be practicing with makeup to make her as scary as she wants to be. Kevin doesn't know it yet, but his costume (Pikachu, a character from Pokemon, in case you were wondering...) is already purchased and hiding in our closet. Last year, I was in the hospital for Halloween - this year, I am very much looking forward to dressing up in a sassy (maybe sexy?) little costume for our friends' annual Halloween fiesta, taking the kids trick-or-treating, and enjoying the hell out of ouor beautiful weather this time of year.
I want to make this year special; I know, they are all special. But this year, I am even that much more aware of just how damned special these memories are, and I want to do everything in my power to make this the best year yet.
So. treatment may just have to wait.
How am I doing, emotionally, with all this? Hmmmm....I have a few different viewpoints on that. I am scared, more scared than I have ever been in my entire life. I am looking at dying - maybe not today or next month or next year, but sooner that I freaking want to. And, I don't know what that's going to look like. Will my lung tumors grow so I can't breathe? Will the cancer just take over my body so I wither away to nothing, some shapeless shadow of my former self, waiting for the end? That's fucking scary - I don't care who you are. Even if you believe in an afterlife (which I do), and even if you believe in heaven, the very thought of dying - how you get to that point, and how it all ends - is one of the scariest things I have ever imagined.
So I often choose not to think about it.
I am angry. This isn't fair. I don't care what I did in a previous life - this isn't fair, on any level. I want so badly to lash out at something, some physical thing. I want to hurt it the way it's hurt me. I want to make it suffer the way I have had to, the way my kids and my husband and my parents and my family and my friends have had to. I want to make it hurt, so badly that it wants to die, then make it suffer some more. The anger is awful - it's primal, and it would completely overtake everything, if I let it.
So I don't. I can't waste energy on that, when there's no way to fulfill it. So, I ignore it.
I am sad. The thought of leaving my kids and my husband is just awful, horrible....there aren't words to describe it. The thought of leaving my husband to raise our babies is just.....I don't know. I don't doubt his ability to do it - that's not the case. It's just - he shouldn't have to. I am too damned selfish, and I want more time with my kids and my husband. I want more time with my family - my parents, my brothers and their families. Back to my kids - I don't want them to grow up without me. There are things I want to say to them, things I want to teach them and things I want to see them experience. I don't think I will be here for some of those things, and that tears my heart into millions of tiny sharp shreds, each scratching holes on my soul.
So, I try not to think about it, too much.
I have so many viewpoints on this - it's like different versions of myself, all vying for time and attention. Some, I give time to. I have to - I think it's only healthy to think about the reasons I want to live, like wanting to see my kids hit the next milestone. Some, like the anger, I can't even acknowledge for more than a moment. It becomes all consuming, and that isn't healthy.
I don't think this has all sunk in yet. I did have a good cry on Monday, after I saw the CEA results. I also think that, in my heart, I already knew, which was why I didn't even want to look. I just wanted to prolong the ignorant bubble I have been living in - I even delayed doing a CEA check a month ago, specifically because I just didn't want to know.
But, now I do. So, what do I do with it.
I don't quite know yet. Well, I do, in a broad sense. I have some research I have to do - some that I need to do myself, and some that I will be delegating out. I have already started that process - the delegating, not the research. I think I am ignoring it for now - there are so many other things that needed to get done. You know, life things. Scheduling the kids dentist appointments. Taking Julia to urgent care in half an hour, because the cold she has is taking hold and won't let go. Trying to find Kevin's homework because he "forgot it" again.
Life keeps happening, and I need to live it. I think that's how I'm handling this. Regardless of what happens with or to me. life HAS to go on. It's messy and inconvenient, but it goes on. So, I need to schedule the research, the meetings, the appointments, the thinking, the worrying, the planning - all needs to be scheduled around life.
And isn't that a wonderful thing? I am trying to relish this life - I don't know how long I will live it. How long I will have to feel this good, and to really enjoy the wonderfulness of the simple things, like sitting at my laptop, purring kitten on my lap, sleeping puppy by my feet. I don't know how long I will be able to tuck my kids into bed at night, and tell them 100 times, over and over, that I love them. I don't know how long I will have to laugh with my husband, to grab his hand as he walks by, to wrap my arms around him and hug him as tight as I can. I just don't know.
So, I keep living life. The research, the fact-finding, the decision making will all come in time. But today is busy, and tomorrow isn't looking any better.
I don't have to make a decision today or tomorrow. That day is coming soon enough. Until then, I am going to keep living life. That's how I am dealing with this. It's probably not healthy, ignoring the emotions like I am. For now, it's working for me. Today, I love my little bubble. It's a warm place, full of messy life.
And, with that, I am off to take Jules to Urgent Care, then to pick Kevin up, get dinner, come home to my clean house (thanks to three amazing ladies from CTCA who came over last night and did an amazing, AMAZING job!!!), and fall asleep in my bed, wishing my husband were here with me. I think he comes home tomorrow night - maybe I'll make him a cake. He likes chocolate, with pudding.
I think that is a good plan for dealing with the shit that cancer has thrown at me. I will bake a cake.
Fuck you, cancer. You may be trying, but I'm still living. So, fuck you - you aren't welcome here, and I am not going to stop my life for you. I've got too much living left to do.
Comments:
Joan
B said...
Thanks
for taking the time to let us know how you are doing. you have your eye on what
is important. Whatever works for you is the right thing. So many choices. ARGHH
Hugs!!!
October
1, 2014 at 5:13 PM
What
an amazing and courageous post. We met at CTCA's blogger conference and I have
followed you ever since. There is no doubt to me that you will find your way
through this in the way that is unique fits your needs and wishes.
None of us, doctors, tumor markers or scans, can dictate an expiration date. We go on are you are, living. Thinking through the difficult decisions. Crying when necessary but always, always living now.
All good wishes,
Jody
None of us, doctors, tumor markers or scans, can dictate an expiration date. We go on are you are, living. Thinking through the difficult decisions. Crying when necessary but always, always living now.
All good wishes,
Jody
October
1, 2014 at 5:25 PM
Fuck
cancer and bake a cake!!! That's what I'd do, too honey. You have shown your
strength over and over again in years prior to this, so don't apologize for
wanting to be in your happy little bubble. It's your bubble, and it can be for
what ever you need it for.
The clinical trials sound hopeful *smile* I'll be anxiously waiting to see how they work for you! Good Luck!
I think everything you said makes perfect sense and I'm so proud of you for posting it. Writing is cathartic, and it will help you find clarity in your mind when you are overwhelmed with thoughts.
I would do the same thing you are doing... Enjoy the holidays, Have fun, Eat Halloween candy and Thanksgiving turkey until you think you're going to explode! You do what your heart tells you to do.
Big Love as Always my friend,
Kristi
The clinical trials sound hopeful *smile* I'll be anxiously waiting to see how they work for you! Good Luck!
I think everything you said makes perfect sense and I'm so proud of you for posting it. Writing is cathartic, and it will help you find clarity in your mind when you are overwhelmed with thoughts.
I would do the same thing you are doing... Enjoy the holidays, Have fun, Eat Halloween candy and Thanksgiving turkey until you think you're going to explode! You do what your heart tells you to do.
Big Love as Always my friend,
Kristi
October
1, 2014 at 5:55 PM
Fuck
cancer.
October
1, 2014 at 7:00 PM
Michelle,
you are handling your illness with so much grace. Difficult times are ahead,
but let your doctors, friends and family lift you up and take care of the tough
stuff. I wish I was close, because I'd be there every day! Keep fighting,
missy! Love you! - Tammy
October
1, 2014 at 8:46 PM
I
continue to be amazed at how much strength and courage you have shown! I think
it's great that you are choosing to spend time with your family and concentrate
on the day to day things that many of us take for granted. Praying for your
continued strength in days to come and that you will have the support you need
from friends and family to deal with the many emotions you are feeling. And I
am especially praying that one of the trial medications will work so well for
you that even the doctors will be amazed! Sending love and hugs! Keep up the fight.
You are an inspiration! - Michelle Martinez
October
2, 2014 at 7:30 AM
Michelle
- I honestly have no words. You are full of more courage and strength than anyone
I know. I admire you. I am among the many people that you have inspired.
Because of you I try every single day to be a better person, a better Mother,
to take it all in and stop for a minute to see all the beauty around me.
Because of you I have slowed down, tremendously. On the days that I am feeling
bad for myself because of the every day BS that I am lucky enough to have, you
are the person that gives me the swift kick in the ass that I need to suck it
up and be grateful. I am so very happy I got to see and chat with you, however
brief it was, at the reunion this summer.
Right now I am just so very angry for you, sad for you. None of this is fair. You are so young. You have been through so much. I suppose there are some things that we never can or will understand. I think what you are doing is exactly what you are supposed to do, and more importantly what you NEED to do. Love your children and those every day moments, cherish every precious moment with your husband, live your life! And when you are ready to face all the other stuff, you will. I am sending you so much love, hugs, good juju, well wishes and everything else I have in me. Through it all you have so many of us pulling for you, your army is cheering you and your amazing self through all of this. And I proudly stand with you and say: FUCK CANCER!
Jaime (Simpson) Walker
Right now I am just so very angry for you, sad for you. None of this is fair. You are so young. You have been through so much. I suppose there are some things that we never can or will understand. I think what you are doing is exactly what you are supposed to do, and more importantly what you NEED to do. Love your children and those every day moments, cherish every precious moment with your husband, live your life! And when you are ready to face all the other stuff, you will. I am sending you so much love, hugs, good juju, well wishes and everything else I have in me. Through it all you have so many of us pulling for you, your army is cheering you and your amazing self through all of this. And I proudly stand with you and say: FUCK CANCER!
Jaime (Simpson) Walker
October
2, 2014 at 10:32 AM
Michelle
- I feel your pain and sympathize with what you are feeling. Cancer sucks! I am
in a similar situation with Xeloda no longer working to fight my Stage IV
colong cancer with liver metastasis. In August, my chemo stopped working and my
CEA's have tripled...I opted not to take the Erbitux and have now been off of
chemo since early June. My options are few at this point, too, but I have
researched clinical trials and interventional radiology (ablation and
radioactive spheres) which are fairly new (but I am not sure what other organs
they are used on besides the liver).
I think you are doing the right thing, researching options, asking for second opinions, and Living your Life to the Fullest as best you can! I wish the very best for you and your family!
I think you are doing the right thing, researching options, asking for second opinions, and Living your Life to the Fullest as best you can! I wish the very best for you and your family!
October
16, 2014 at 6:39 PM
awarebear said...
FUCK
cancer! I don't capitalize cancer cause the bitch don't deserve that much
respect!
AMAZING POST, YOU ARE AN AMAZING LADY!!!!
I really get the anger thing, even though I am recovering, I'm still not back to Normal. Docs say will take another 6 months to a year. I'm pissed that my throat is always a mess (orapharyngeal), my fingers don't work as well as they should, the neuropathies causing the inside of my calves to be NUMB all the time, and on and on.
I did have a good PET scan last week. No tests for 6 months or more. Pretty emotional day that was!
Needed some dirt therapy (container gardening) after the phone call from the doc. I've tried to compartmentalize my emotions because like you said, it's all about energy stealing.
My thoughts and prayers are with you! Stay strong and beat that soul sucking cancerfuck.
I care,
Glen
AMAZING POST, YOU ARE AN AMAZING LADY!!!!
I really get the anger thing, even though I am recovering, I'm still not back to Normal. Docs say will take another 6 months to a year. I'm pissed that my throat is always a mess (orapharyngeal), my fingers don't work as well as they should, the neuropathies causing the inside of my calves to be NUMB all the time, and on and on.
I did have a good PET scan last week. No tests for 6 months or more. Pretty emotional day that was!
Needed some dirt therapy (container gardening) after the phone call from the doc. I've tried to compartmentalize my emotions because like you said, it's all about energy stealing.
My thoughts and prayers are with you! Stay strong and beat that soul sucking cancerfuck.
I care,
Glen
October
21, 2014 at 8:29 PM
No comments:
Post a Comment