I have
been feeling very out of sorts lately. Some people would like to think
it's due to the anxiety over my PET scan, but I don't think so. While
that's part of it, I believe I've traced it back to a core reason.
I don't like working 2 jobs.
I don't think anyone does. Let's be honest - I'm happy to have a second
job. There are millions of people that would be ecstatic to have my job,
part-time or otherwise. The fact that I'm able to have two jobs is a
miracle. I get that. That doesn't mean I'm happy working 60+ hours
each week, spending time away from my kids, my husband, my family, my house,
and (quite frankly) ME! I'm happy for the extra income, but not the time
away from everyone and everything.
Last weekend, I became completely undone. Why? I think it was a
perfect storm of things (poor Levi and the kids), but after much introspection,
I think it's that I don't have the time or ability to do what I need/want to do
around the house, with the kids, for me, etc. By the time I get home from
work on Friday night, I've been gone for 18 hours. I have to go to sleep,
get back up at 6am, get ready for another 9 hour day at the store, back home by
6:30pm, then back at it again the next day for the Sunday rush.
I don't have time to clean the house. I don't have time to straighten my
home up. I don't have time to help the kids with anything. I don't
have time to organize my house. I don't have time FOR ME. And, it
has left me so discombobulated that I couldn't even speak. In all
honesty, the last couple of days, I have been an alternate person that wasn't
nice, kind, fun, or (in all honesty) fair.
I enjoy cleaning my house. (Laundry and cooking...not so much.) I
feel a sense of accomplishment when my house goes from weekday chaos to weekend
clean. I LOVE knowing that I've been able to take the time to provide my
family with a clean, organized, nice home.
Some people might not believe that this is a good reason to lose your mind.
I do. I take pride in my house - it might not be anything worth
writing a magazine article over, but it's mine. And, it's how I represent
my love and my respect for my family and me. Not having any control over
it has been AWFUL.
So, I took control yesterday. I've hired a house cleaner, who is coming
over tomorrow morning to do a deep clean on my house. I am SO excited!
And, I have decided to work from home at least one day a week (I'm going
to aim for two, but we'll see how well that works out). That seems to
help, since I'm able to log on early, multi-task (i.e., clean while listening
into a meeting, do laundry while I'm on-line working, etc.), and I'm able to
spend time at home. That has helped ground me over the past two days,
just knowing that I can do that.
My poor husband has borne the brunt of what's been going on in my head, and I
need to talk with him. It's come across as anger or frustration at him,
and that's not the case. Rather, this is more frustration within myself.
I'm hoping I can make it up to him. I have been awful to him and
the kids, and I'm hoping they can forgive me.
Meantime, I'm going to revel in my clean house (well, even more so tomorrow).
I am going to create a list for my husband (at his request) to help him
understand what I'd like to have cleaned on the weekends. I think this
will help me out too. And, just in case, I have the cleaning crew on
speed dial. :)
Now, onto figuring out how I can work on adjusting the other things in my life,
to accommodate this second job. Maybe I should play the
PowerBall....
Comments:
Awww
Michelle - I do feel for you and it's always our husbands that seem to get the
brunt of our frustrations...I'm sure he knows what it's all about, but that
doesn't shift the guilt we feel for taking it out on them in the first place.
I've been muddling through for months now, battling on and refusing to admit
that I need help to come to terms with everything that's happened to me in the
past 10 months.
Just do what you can, enjoy your house-cleaner and definitely, absolutely make
some time for YOU somewhere along the way.
xxxx
February
17, 2011 at 2:34 PM
Michele
Don't be hard on yourself. I ofter work 60 hours a week myself. I feel bad for
not being able to help my wife out with the kids and the house. On the days I
do have off I would rather relax and spend it with the family then to do
repairs and help my wife catch up with the house work. I am glad you were able
to hire a house cleaner. As my wife is always telling me, the house repairs and
mess can wait. They are not going any where. Our kids though, they are only
little once.
Enjoy your weekend and hope you are able to do something you enjoy. When do you
get the PET scan results?
Bill
February
17, 2011 at 6:20 PM
I
LOVE LAUNDRY AND COOKING, we could trade services!!! I feel like an ass after
reading your blog today. I don't work any hours a week, I hate deep cleaning,
and I accomplish NOTHING! You should be so proud of all you do, and you are an
amazing woman! XOXO
February
18, 2011 at 4:49 PM
I
worked two jobs once. It is really hard. Looking back, I am not sure that the
extra income was worth it. By the time I paid union dues, added in the gas... I
really did not make that much money. I enjoyed the people I was working with
but it took a toll on me. So, I can relate to what you are going through. I
think hiring a housekeeper is a wonderful start.
You need to find some balance in your life. Good luck... you're young...so I
know you can handle it. :)
February
19, 2011 at 9:08 AM
