APRIL 12, 2010

Photos

Every once in a while, you see a picture that takes your breath away.  It stops you in your tracks, and makes you think.  Here's one of mine.

Why?  This picture was taken on Julia's birthday in 2008.  It was six weeks before I was diagnosed with cancer.  We held Julia's party two weeks after we moved into our new house.  My mom was in town to visit with us, and it was the first time any of the family had seen our new home.  I remember stressing about the move, about the old apartment (which we still had to clean out and close up, at this point), about school (I was attending on-line university), about the house being clean enough, about work, etc.  I remember this party as the one final "fun" time we had as a family before life changed.  We were so blissfully ingnorant of the changes coming at us like a freight train, and I sort of miss that sense of innocence and ignorance.

I look at this picture and it immediately takes me back to that person I was before cancer.  I can feel the stress creep into my shoulders as I think about the things I worried about back then.  Even in this picture, I can see myself thinking about school work, cleaning the house, unpacking the boxes, etc.  I don't think that I ever allowed myself to fully be in a moment, because I was always worried about what was coming up next and how I was going to handle it.  

To some extent, I'm still this way.  I can't sit still, because there is always something that needs to be done.  (I am very consciously working on this, and trying to get better at relaxing.)  If I'm sitting watching a movie, I like to know that laundry is in the washer and dryer, the dishwasher is full and running, and the house is clean. 

The difference between then (in the picture above) and now is that I am making very deliberate decisions about what I want to worry about.  I clean my house because I want to and I enjoy it, not because I feel obligated to (just in case someone stops over).  There is so much pride in seeing our family home cleaned up (not spotless, just tidy).  For the first time, I feel settled in a home.  We have curtains up in every room, toys strewn on the floor, dust on the knick knacks (again, tidy, not spotless), kids laughing, a beautiful breeze floating through the windows, cats purring, and each other.  There isn't much else I could want for. 

I don't worry about whether the floors are spotless (if you don't like it, here's a broom and mop!).  I have chosen to hold off my schooling until, um, I'm not sure when I'll ever get back to it.  I don't think about work when I'm not there.  I don't stress about the little things (or, stress as much). 

I would much rather spend time with my kids, laughing and pushing them on their new swingset (thanks to Nana and Papa).  I want to chase them through the house so that I can tickle them until they can't take anymore.  I want to spend time laying in bed, watching a silly meaningless movie with Levi, just because I can.  I want to hang out with my friends, enjoying their company.  I want to be able to sleep in on a Saturday morning and just lay in bed, relaxing and basking in the sounds of the house. 

I want to live my life like the picture below. Surrounded by my family, loving every minute I have with them.  Having family taking pictures of us all being silly.  Those pictures are WAY more fun than posed, formal pictures anyday. 

As I prepare myself for the 8th anniversary of the birth of our daughter (and, yes her 8th birthday, as she has reminded us for months now), I am reminded of how very much our lives have changed in the past two years.  I expect that you'll see several of these fairly reminiscent posts over the next couple of months.  Julia's birthday is kind of the beginning of a pretty intense time of the year for me emotionally.  We'll see where this year takes us.

Comments:

Whidbey Woman said...

Great post, Michelle!

April 12, 2010 at 7:10 PM

 Jill said...

Excellent post Michelle. So much of what you said is who I am today. A whole lot of worry with a whole bunch of cleaning sprinkled on top...

I will be revisiting this post again and again...

Thanks for this.

April 16, 2010 at 8:44 PM

 Marisa said...

a different perspective on what is important in life. you have a great blog here.

My mom died of colon cancer when she was 47 so it is never far from my mind. Last year I started what I hope to be yearly post...I call them "Bum Plugs" in an attempt to spread the word on the importance of early colon screening.I would love it if you could stop over for a visit at "Getting Back To Basics" and grab my "Live Your Life...Get Tested!" badge from my sidebar and add it to yours with a link to my post:

BOTTOMS UP - A BELOW THE BELT COMMENTARY ON A SENSITIVE ISSUE

My second "Bum Plug" will be posted on April 29th.

Please help me spread awareness.

April 19, 2010 at 12:35 PM