Well, I'd
be lying if I said the last week has been easy. It hasn't been. My
back pain isn't easing much at all, despite the docs tweaking my pain meds
again. I've started keeping a fairly detailed journal of my back pain,
when I'm taking my meds (this is so I don't forget...), and what I'm doing each
day so I can figure out what helps, what doesn't, etc.
It seems like, for ever good day, I have a bad one. I don't care for that at all. I just want a whole bunch of good days....I keep moving forward because I know, eventually, I'll get back to being pain-free. I've found that movement helps - for example, Saturday, I was fairly sedentary. I went to a Stupid Cancer gathering, and sat in a (very comfy) seat the entire time. And, the drive there and back was 45 minutes one-way. *mental head slap* I think I would have been much better off had I stood during the gathering. But, lesson learned.
Yesterday, I took Julia shopping. She and Levi are going to a father/daughter dance on Friday night, and I wanted to get her a new outfit. 5 hours of shopping later (and only two shirts....do you know how difficult it is to shop for a tweener?), I was exhausted and in a small amount of pain, but I felt good enough to make dinner and do laundry last night. I paid for it when I tried to go to sleep, but - is that because of the movement? Because I overdid it? Or just because of the freaking pain and whatever is causing it? There's no way for me to tell.
Needless to say, I'm following up with my care team today at CTCA and we'll see what they have to say. I don't know what else can be done except to either increase my current meds, or to shift some things around. Honestly, I don't care for either option. I don't want to be on this many pain meds. I hate having to live my life by the schedule of which pills I need to take when, but right now, it's a necessary evil. And, one that I have to abide by, because otherwise, I'm a curled-up mess of pain and tears. (How's that for a visual?)
In spite of this all, I'm trying to just go along with everything and do what needs to be done. We are all getting back into a routine of (modified) life, and it's been so nice. I see a huge difference in the kids - there's a sense of normalcy back that we all needed.
Of course, there's always this huge question in my mind, as I fight through the pain. Is this caused by the cancer spreading to my bones? Or, is it (hopefully) something less sinister, something more mechanical or physical that will require some PT? This is always, always in the back of my mind.
How could it not be? If this cancer has spread to my bones....well, it isn't good. I don't feel like it's "go home and get your affairs in order" bad, but it's definitely not "you're in remission" good, either. Which effing sucks.
I'm trying to get my head around this. I don't know how I'm going to, until I have answers. It's not something that I dwell on - it's not worth it. Giving in and worrying, fretting, panicking, is - in my opinion - letting the cancer win. Instead, I am living my life in spite of what *may* be happening in my body. I have faith that that, regardless of what's going on, my care team will take the very best care of me, and I'll be okay. I don't know what okay means....for me, I think it means that we'll tackle whatever the testing shows, and I'll continue to LIVE. Because, really - that's what I'm fighting for. The ability to LIVE....
Anyways, I digress. As I said, it's been a long week. Just....tiring. I don't think I ever really appreciated how *exhausting* constant pain can be. I have a new appreciation for what family and friends mean when they talk about being in constant pain. It's beyond tiring - it wears on the body and on the mind in ways that I don't think I fully comprehend yet. For me, my lower back aches constantly - it's just a low-level ache that doesn't ever completely go away. When it spikes, it becomes a much sharper stabbing-type pain (in addition to the aching). Big fun.
I don't want this to sound like it's all bad. I'm recovering from the surgery well, and I'm feeling okay. There has been some movement on some other things I'm dealing with and I'm seeing progress overall. It's just frustrating, this being in limbo, being in constant pain.
And, not working, not being able to function completely. I'm better than I was, so I need to remember that. :)
It seems like, for ever good day, I have a bad one. I don't care for that at all. I just want a whole bunch of good days....I keep moving forward because I know, eventually, I'll get back to being pain-free. I've found that movement helps - for example, Saturday, I was fairly sedentary. I went to a Stupid Cancer gathering, and sat in a (very comfy) seat the entire time. And, the drive there and back was 45 minutes one-way. *mental head slap* I think I would have been much better off had I stood during the gathering. But, lesson learned.
Yesterday, I took Julia shopping. She and Levi are going to a father/daughter dance on Friday night, and I wanted to get her a new outfit. 5 hours of shopping later (and only two shirts....do you know how difficult it is to shop for a tweener?), I was exhausted and in a small amount of pain, but I felt good enough to make dinner and do laundry last night. I paid for it when I tried to go to sleep, but - is that because of the movement? Because I overdid it? Or just because of the freaking pain and whatever is causing it? There's no way for me to tell.
Needless to say, I'm following up with my care team today at CTCA and we'll see what they have to say. I don't know what else can be done except to either increase my current meds, or to shift some things around. Honestly, I don't care for either option. I don't want to be on this many pain meds. I hate having to live my life by the schedule of which pills I need to take when, but right now, it's a necessary evil. And, one that I have to abide by, because otherwise, I'm a curled-up mess of pain and tears. (How's that for a visual?)
In spite of this all, I'm trying to just go along with everything and do what needs to be done. We are all getting back into a routine of (modified) life, and it's been so nice. I see a huge difference in the kids - there's a sense of normalcy back that we all needed.
Of course, there's always this huge question in my mind, as I fight through the pain. Is this caused by the cancer spreading to my bones? Or, is it (hopefully) something less sinister, something more mechanical or physical that will require some PT? This is always, always in the back of my mind.
How could it not be? If this cancer has spread to my bones....well, it isn't good. I don't feel like it's "go home and get your affairs in order" bad, but it's definitely not "you're in remission" good, either. Which effing sucks.
I'm trying to get my head around this. I don't know how I'm going to, until I have answers. It's not something that I dwell on - it's not worth it. Giving in and worrying, fretting, panicking, is - in my opinion - letting the cancer win. Instead, I am living my life in spite of what *may* be happening in my body. I have faith that that, regardless of what's going on, my care team will take the very best care of me, and I'll be okay. I don't know what okay means....for me, I think it means that we'll tackle whatever the testing shows, and I'll continue to LIVE. Because, really - that's what I'm fighting for. The ability to LIVE....
Anyways, I digress. As I said, it's been a long week. Just....tiring. I don't think I ever really appreciated how *exhausting* constant pain can be. I have a new appreciation for what family and friends mean when they talk about being in constant pain. It's beyond tiring - it wears on the body and on the mind in ways that I don't think I fully comprehend yet. For me, my lower back aches constantly - it's just a low-level ache that doesn't ever completely go away. When it spikes, it becomes a much sharper stabbing-type pain (in addition to the aching). Big fun.
I don't want this to sound like it's all bad. I'm recovering from the surgery well, and I'm feeling okay. There has been some movement on some other things I'm dealing with and I'm seeing progress overall. It's just frustrating, this being in limbo, being in constant pain.
And, not working, not being able to function completely. I'm better than I was, so I need to remember that. :)
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