Language
alert. Again. Sorry....
After my last post, I took myself to the MAC store for some medicinal make-up therapy, and was hoping that would be the end of my not feeling well.
I'm still waiting for that to end.
The rash has continued. My scalp, which is rash-y, hurt like a bitch when Levi shaved it this week. We don't "shave" with a razor - just use the clippers to cut the hair as close as possible to the scalp. In the past, I've been able to get through without much wincing. This time? Wasn't so easy. At this point, I just wish my hair would fall out completely. It would make my life *so much easier*.
The rash on my face is painful. Painfully, horribly still there. It's not too bad in the morning - well, if you discount the dried blood from the night, where some of the eruptions have bled all over my pillowcase. As the day wears on, the acne gets worse. And, the new symptom? Dryness. My face is normally oily. Right now? The skin on my face (particularly on my chin) is literally flaking off. It's awful.
Last night, my face hurt so bad (between the tight skin from the dryness and the pain from the eruptions) that I ended up calling the on-call team at CTCA. I have to go in this morning to see the Internal Medicine clinic (which is like their oncology urgent care). Not sure what's going to happen. Hopefully, something.
I am in a definite depression because of this. I am struggling to function normally. My appetite is gone. Eating is a chore, and nothing tastes good to me. Getting out of the house for basic chores is difficult, at best. The heat isn't bothering me, but the sun kills me. My emotional instability is at an all-time high. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror. I see nothing but the acne. I don't see anything except the pimples, the dry skin, the ickiness on my scalp. I've started going out only if I'm laden down with makeup, and I need to wear something on my head to cover up the embarrassing rash, eruptions, and blotchiness. It's painful to wear glasses and sunglasses, because the "rash" is now in and behind my ears. People stare at me, all the time. They did before the rash kicked in, which was okay. I wasn't self-conscious about not having hair. I felt good - yes, I was bald-ish, but I looked decent. Now? I have no hair, a scalp that looks like a red-ink map, and my face looks like a relief-map of the mountains.
Fuck you, cancer.
I've tried to look online for some pictures of the rash. There aren't many. I've tried looking for some information online, and it's pretty minimal. All of the information that I'm seeing is very specific about avoiding the sun, which isn't easy in Phoenix. I need to invest in more sun hats, me thinks. I also need to start remembering the sunscreen that I have. *mental head slap*
All right - I'm off to see what the dr says. Will update you, if possible. Need to pack for my trip on Monday, and I also need to get ready to head to a friend's house for dinner tonight. Yikes.....crazy busy weekend!
After my last post, I took myself to the MAC store for some medicinal make-up therapy, and was hoping that would be the end of my not feeling well.
I'm still waiting for that to end.
The rash has continued. My scalp, which is rash-y, hurt like a bitch when Levi shaved it this week. We don't "shave" with a razor - just use the clippers to cut the hair as close as possible to the scalp. In the past, I've been able to get through without much wincing. This time? Wasn't so easy. At this point, I just wish my hair would fall out completely. It would make my life *so much easier*.
The rash on my face is painful. Painfully, horribly still there. It's not too bad in the morning - well, if you discount the dried blood from the night, where some of the eruptions have bled all over my pillowcase. As the day wears on, the acne gets worse. And, the new symptom? Dryness. My face is normally oily. Right now? The skin on my face (particularly on my chin) is literally flaking off. It's awful.
Last night, my face hurt so bad (between the tight skin from the dryness and the pain from the eruptions) that I ended up calling the on-call team at CTCA. I have to go in this morning to see the Internal Medicine clinic (which is like their oncology urgent care). Not sure what's going to happen. Hopefully, something.
I am in a definite depression because of this. I am struggling to function normally. My appetite is gone. Eating is a chore, and nothing tastes good to me. Getting out of the house for basic chores is difficult, at best. The heat isn't bothering me, but the sun kills me. My emotional instability is at an all-time high. I don't want to look at myself in the mirror. I see nothing but the acne. I don't see anything except the pimples, the dry skin, the ickiness on my scalp. I've started going out only if I'm laden down with makeup, and I need to wear something on my head to cover up the embarrassing rash, eruptions, and blotchiness. It's painful to wear glasses and sunglasses, because the "rash" is now in and behind my ears. People stare at me, all the time. They did before the rash kicked in, which was okay. I wasn't self-conscious about not having hair. I felt good - yes, I was bald-ish, but I looked decent. Now? I have no hair, a scalp that looks like a red-ink map, and my face looks like a relief-map of the mountains.
Fuck you, cancer.
I've tried to look online for some pictures of the rash. There aren't many. I've tried looking for some information online, and it's pretty minimal. All of the information that I'm seeing is very specific about avoiding the sun, which isn't easy in Phoenix. I need to invest in more sun hats, me thinks. I also need to start remembering the sunscreen that I have. *mental head slap*
All right - I'm off to see what the dr says. Will update you, if possible. Need to pack for my trip on Monday, and I also need to get ready to head to a friend's house for dinner tonight. Yikes.....crazy busy weekend!
Comments:
Thandi said...
Wow.Sounds
terrible.So painful.So debilitating.So...If they can't get rid of the rash
itself, I hope the pain can be reduced.
June
25, 2012 at 1:00 AM
Darlin,
I'm so sorry people are so rude and stare. I understand how you feel. I've had
bouts with acne almost my entire life where I felt horribly ugly. My hair
thinned considerably and I lost body hair and eyelashes during Folfiri. I
remember the worst being the constant eye watering. The good thing is that your
treatments are working and you'll be your normal beautiful self when they are
over plus you'll be cancer free. Awesome.
June
25, 2012 at 8:39 PM
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