SEPTEMBER 28, 2009

Fight Like A Girl

If you've been to Kim's blog, you know that she and the family have songs streaming on it. One of the songs that came to define Kim's fight was Bomshel's "Fight Like a Girl." This song is unreal, and will make you cry - just a warning. Tonight, this group gave a free concert and I took the kids. I wasn't able to do the meet and greet afterwards, which I desperately wanted to do, but I got to see them perform this song. It. Was. AMAZING. They are super talented, amazing singers, unreal musicians, and were very REAL. They kept smiling at Julia and eaved to her, blew kisses, that sort of thing. Yes, we were thatclose.

They sang this song, and it was just, well, breathtaking. I was able to catch the one lady's eye after the song, and thank her. There is a back story to the song - apparently a girl in the one lady's hometown came down with cancer, and didn't make it to hear the song sang live. So sad.

This was just such a treat to see them, and to hear them perform this single. Just amazing. I am hoping to purchase this CD soon.

Here are the words to the song, in case you can't access the link above....enjoy, and smile through those tears......

BOMSHEL - FIGHT LIKE A GIRL LYRICS

Little girl alone on the playground
Tired of gettin' teased and gettin' pushed around
Wishin' she was invisible
To them

She ran home cryin'
"Why do they hate me?"
And Mama wiped the tears and said
"Baby, you're brave and you're beautiful.

So, hold your head high.
Don't ever let 'em define
The light in your eyes.
Love yourself, give them Hell.
You can take on this world.
You just stand and be strong
And then fight
Like a girl."

At 31 she was wheelin' and dealin'
Kept on hittin' that same glass ceilin'
She was never gonna one of the boys, no
She coulda gave up on her ambition
And spent the rest of her life just wishin'
Instead she listened to her mama's voice sayin'

"Hold your head high.
Don't ever let 'em define
The light in your eyes.
Love yourself, give them Hell.
You can take on this world.
You just stand and be strong
And then fight
Like a girl."

Oh, with style and grace
Kick ass and take names

Ten years of climbin' that ladder
Oh, but money and power don't matter
When the doctor said "The cancer spread"
She holds on tight to her husband and babies
And says "This is just another test God gave me.
And I know just how to handle this."

I'll hold my head high
I'll never let this define
The light in my eyes
Love myself, give it Hell
I'll take on this world
If I stand and be strong
No, I'll never give up
I will conquer with love
And I'll fight like
Like a girl

Lyrics obtained from http://www.lyricsreg.com/lyrics/bomshel/Fight+Like+A+Girl/

Comments:

Amanda: said...

I love that song. Brings tears to my eyes every time.

September 29, 2009 at 9:22 AM

SEPTEMBER 26, 2009

Kim's Carwash Today

Today would have been Kim's 30th birthday. There's plenty of room for introspection for me personally on this day, remembering back to where I was on my 30th, where we all wish Kim was, where we know she is, etc. But, it's early, I haven't had a lot of coffee yet, and well, I have plans and need to get to them. :-)

So, I wanted to let you know that if you are in the Phoenix area, we are all working a car wash today at the Circle K at the I-10 and Litchfield in Goodyear to benefit the family. 8am-12pm today. All proceeds will go to the family. Hoping to make a TON of money to help them pay for Kim's medical expenses. I have donated a ton of materials from CCA and I was able to get a LOT of information from CTCA to hand out to people at this carwash, because while it's important to raise money for the family, it's also important to raise awareness about this disease to ensure that no other families have to suffer the way her family has had to.

There is also a fundraiser happening at a hair salon in Goodyear, including free haircuts for firemen and police officers.

All information can be found on Kim's blog site at http://kimfightscancer.blogspot.com.

Hope to see you there...

No Comments

Later:

Today...

...I saw the most amazing thing, Kim. I know you were there, but I know that you also have SO MANY people to watch over that perhaps you weren't there to see everything. So, here you go - here's the story of your 30th birthday party, from my perspective.

I started the day with a cup of coffee and a little reflection time. Then, I headed to the store to pick up some water, because it was scheduled to be 104 degrees today. A little warm, but we were all ready and willing to be there, sun-screen-slathered and washing-car-fools.

I got to the Circle K around 7:15 and and Sammy, Scott and I started getting things unpacked and set up. People started coming in, and by 8am we had our first car ready. You should have seen the kids from Millenium Key Club, Kim. They made shirts of royal blue with different sayings, and were SO EXCITED to be there to help. But, in my typically outspoken fashion, I did scare the bejeezus out of the kids by telling them exactly what we were here for - I told them about colon cancer, symptoms, and treatments. I told them what happened to you and I, and why you died. I know that I scared them, but I also got their attention and taught them about our disease. And, maybe, I gave them enough information to save one of them later in life.

We know you were there with us because your mom (or Aunt Kathy....it might have been her, now that I think about it....) brought birthday balloons, and you took one of them! :-) It was awesome - there it was, blowing in the breeze, then POOF - off it went to the blue skies. Very cool.

Anyways, to make a long story short, the car wash was a ROUSING success, and we raised amazing amounts of money for Deron and the kids (over $2,000!). There were SO MANY people there to help out - we had so many volunteers that it was almost overwhelming. At some points, there were 8 cars in line to get their cars washed. We had people walk up and just give us money - no car wash needed. And Kim, they weren't giving 3 or 4 dollars - try $40, $50, $60 at a time. Amazing generosity was shown today - it was truly a testament to human spirit and the amazing kindness in people.

After the car wash (and lunch, kindly provided by Chik-Fil-A), the whole crew went over to the cemetary to say hello to you and sing you Happy Birthday. I know you were there with us - as soon as I got there, two separate dragonflies fluttered by and I know it was you, saying hi. After hanging out there for a while waiting for everyone to get there (by the way, I don't spend the day in the sun for just anyone - that's true friendship and love, my dear...), we all gathered around your grave and sang you "Happy Birthday." Beautiful - all of us had balloons in our hands, and the song was carried on the wind all around us. Your Aunt Kathy said a few words, and then asked if anyone else wanted to say something. Kim - this is my favorite part of the day - Julia, my little baby girl who's growing up before my very eyes, told Kathy that she wanted to say a few words. I won't ever be able to remember exactly what she said, but her speech was simple and humble and just perfect - it was something along the lines of "Kim was a great friend, and I'm so glad that she was my friend." There were tears all around, and everyone was just blown away by my daughter's honesty, and how it spoke to everyone. Truly - all of the words that we would like to say about you - Julia captured in pure, perfect childlike simplicity and innocence. No one could have said it better.

After Julia made us all cry, we sang you "Happy Birthday" one more time, then let the balloons go. I can't wait to see the pictures Natty took - the sight of all of your balloons heading towards the heavens and towards you was breathtaking. I can only imagine what the people driving by thought. :-)

The kids and I headed out to head to your house, and as I was driving away, your mom called my phone. Apparently, you wanted to be there enough to show up again, and I am so glad you did. I had told your mom earlier in the day about the tattoo I am going to get. In your honor. It's going to be on my left shoulder (maybe right - who knows...) and it's a dragonfly with brown eyes, bright green and purple wings, and a blue ribbon behind it. She was pretty happy about it and about the story, though I don't know if she believed that you show up to me when I need you most. Until, after we sent the balloons your way. You showed up in dragonfly-form, flew around everyone standing at your grave, flew around the balloons your mom put on your grave marker, then settled on the flowers that Deron, Natty, Erin and Randi brought you. And just kind of hung out. It's like you were saying, HI GUYS! So good to see you! Your mom called me in tears, and was beside herself. Natty and Randi got some pictures, and I can't wait to see them. At one point, according to Natty, someone called the dragonfly "it" and Nan immediately scolded them, telling them that YOU had a name, and to call the dragonfly "Kim." She's a believer now....

After your arrival and departure, we all headed back to your house for a little chaos, lots of aughter and love, and a little reminiscing. I wasn't able to stay long, but the time I was there was SO MUCH FUN. I really wish you could have been there. You would have had a blast seeing everyone there, hanging out in your house and just chilling. I got to meet the most amazing people, and my mom and I had a wonderful time talking with some of your friends.

Kim, your friends and family miss you SO MUCH. I know that you can see us and feel the love, but it's so hard seeing Kiki struggle at your grave. Seeing Dylan try to find a comfortable place for himself in the world. Seeing Deron try to figure out what he's supposed to be doing - what's normal, why normal is so important to people, and how he can try to get some semblence of "schedule" back in his life. He and I had a really special (to me) talk. He is returning to work on Wednesday, and people keep telling him that it's good to return to normalcy. But, how can life be normal for him, he asked me. His wife is dead, and normal isn't a possibility for him. So, I reminded him that normal is what's normal to him.....not what's normal to me, or anyone else. And, it was just good for him to talk with someone a little bit about how very NOT NORMAL life is right now.

There aren't words that can possibly describe how grateful I am to have been able to take part in today. To be able to spend this day with you, your friends and your family was just unbelievable to me. You aren't here in your body, and that loss and pain is felt by everyone in every step we take. You mom today slipped and said, "We'll just call Kim" in response to a question we asked. Her pain is SO evident. You dad is so strong and capable and amazing. Your brother's dedication to you and to your family is nothing less than inspirational. Your friends' and family's love for you and for this cause is completely overwhelming. Being allowed to be a part of that is, well, again - there aren't words.

Kim, on your 30th birthday, I am settled knowing that you aren't in pain....that you didn't have to spend this very special day struggling to breathe or sit up or eat. I am so glad that you are healthy and whole. And, yet, very selfishly, I am so sad that I couldn't spend this day with you. It is so hard to see your legacy live on, rather than seeing you live on. And yet, you will live on forever, inside every single one of us. Your inner beauty outshined your outer beauty, and that takes a lot, let me tell you. People refer to your beauty, but more often than that, they talk about your ability to be friendly to people, to make them feel comfortable and to allow people to be a part of you. You gave each and every person you met a little bit of your heart. And, that piece of you lives in each of us. We all struggle with the very real fact that you aren't here with us anymore. But, we are all better people because of you, and there aren't many people that have that effect on others.

So, thank you for letting me spend your 30th birthday celebrating your life with your family. It was truly, amazingly, and humbly my pleasure.

Missing you. Love you. Talk with you later, my friend...

Comments:

Carol Pack Urban said...

This was so beautiful but broke my heart reading it.

September 27, 2009 at 6:24 AM

SEPTEMBER 20, 2009

Disclaimer - this might piss people off....

As a disclaimer, this posting is sure to piss off those that support Susan G Komen, the Three Day Walk, and all of the other well-marketed pink-ribbon items. If you are in this group and might get offended at this posting, please skip.

Having said that, I warned you - coming is a diatribe against the pink ribbon and the sheep in society that purchase pink EVERYTHING because they feel that this supports breast cancer research (and might be cool to do so - yes, there are those out there that think this way....).

October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. I fully support the promotion of awareness, the prevention, the testing, and the fundraising for research against this awful disease. Breast cancer is a horrible disease, and having it be a front-runner for funding and awareness can only help the overall cause.

All right - here comes the pissy-ness. What irritates me more than ANYTHING else is the fact that starting this week, I noticed that everything is pink - balloons, flowers, candy, shirts, kitchen appliances, personal care products (do I need pink tampons? I think not...), etc. And, people willingly purchase these items thinking that the majority of the money goes to a breast cancer awareness, prevention, or research fund. What they don't realize is that, more often than not, the majority of the money they are paying goes back to the manufacturer, who only donates a portion of the proceeds (i.e. 10 cents on a $4.00 item) UP TO A MAXIMUM AMOUNT! So, if you and everyone else purchases enough to generate $100 million in funds, the company will only donate their predetermined maximum amount (I've seen this be as low a $5,000). What happens to the rest of the money?

Sorry - this has been bothering me more and more lately. Again, I don't want to piss off the pinkies, but really - why does everything have to be pink? And, why don't people realize how sheep-like they are when they buy something with the pink ribbon just because it's there.

Part of this comes from my frustration with the lack of acceptance of colon cancer awareness month in March by the general public. People are fine with talking about boobs, tits, funbags, knockers, etc. because we call them "breasts" and put a well-known company name (Susan G Komen) behind them. But, when you talk about colon cancer or prostate cancer or any other "unmentionable" cancer, people clam up and change the subject.

My view - everyone has a butt. Everyone uses it. Usually, daily. Everyone should be sure that this is in good working order and has the capability to do what it's supposed to. Why is this such an issue? It's just another body part, albeit considerably less fashionable than the boobs. So, I didn't get a "cool" cancer. You know what - mine (and everyone else's) deserves just as much awareness as breast cancer.

Susan G Komen and the other breast cancer organizations have amazing marketing teams. Their unwillingness to share their ideas, successes, and best practices with other organizations is well-known. They have a territorial-type attitude when it comes to pairing up with another cancer advocacy group, and that bothers me. Shouldn't we all be working together? Shouldn't we all be working to support one another?

Anyways, I have to go make dinner, but this idea came to me while I was grocery shopping and every item I had on my list had a friggin' pink ribbon on it. I have no issue with this, per se, but I will feel a lot better when, in March, I can buy blue-ribbon adorned meat, pasta, Kleenex, shampoo, maxi-pads, make-up, balloons, flowers, cards, jeans, shirts, toys, and candy. Until then, I will make do with wearing my bracelets, my pins, and helping get the word out about colon cancer. I know it's a personal vendetta and a personal mission, but I can't help it. I know there are others out there that share my frustration.

Comments:

Whidbey Woman said...

Right on, Michelle. You rock!

September 20, 2009 at 5:39 PM

 Carol Pack Urban said...

I agree!!!!

September 20, 2009 at 5:42 PM

 Caroline said...

I had breast cancer and am not offended by your post. But I like pink the color but not pink the breast cancer awareness. Also, the whole thing about pink for BC, pisses me off. I like pink less. And the whole crock about your money will go to breast cancer research is another pile of whooey. If they say 'a portion of our profits will go to BC research' what they mean is a percentage of the profits will go to BC research. So if something sells for $20, cost them $10 to make and they are donating 1% of their proceeds, its only a dollar of your money that went to the cause. Go check www.thinkbeforeyoupink.org for all sorts of info on this. Pink tampons - eeeeeekkkkk!!!!

September 21, 2009 at 4:01 AM

 Nancy said...

i am there with you sweetie..am going out today and get my blue ribbon so me and the girls can wear ours proudly..I just witch there was more I could do ..You go girl you go

September 21, 2009 at 6:16 AM

 Dennis Pyritz, RN said...

Rock on, Michelle. I am working on a new project that I am very excited about. I am writing a book about the cancer blogging phenomenon - its scope, aspirations, and reasons for being. I plan to highlight some of the best writing from our blogging community.
As I have previously published your writing in my weekly Guest Post feature at Being cancer, networking people transformed by cancer, I am hoping to get your preliminary permission to use some of your material in the book. I will, of course, give full credit as well as link information. I would also like to arrange for all contributors to receive complimentary copies.
I have not yet secured a publishing contract. But I want to get started compiling some chapters prior to submitting my proposal to a publisher. So if this sounds like something you might be interested in being a part of, please contact me by email. I will be able to tell you the specific posts I am interested in. Please include off-blog contact information.

Dennis W. Pyritz, RN, BA, BSN
beingcancer@att.net

September 22, 2009 at 4:06 PM

 Heat said...

It all pisses me off, too, partially for the same reasons, and partially because more women die of heart disease than breast cancer. How many women know that?

To be honest, I'm jaded in general about cancer fundraisers. 2/3 of cancers are lifestyle related. TWO-F'ING-THIRDS! That means that if we all took care with what we put on and in our bodies, over half of cancer would disappear.

But it's so much easier to write a check and let someone else figure out how I can maintain my lifestyle and not get cancer.

This is not to say, of course, that I think that cancer research is unnecessary. I would be quite the hypocrite, no? But "find a cure! find a cure!" wears on me when a big part of the cure is already in our control.

September 24, 2009 at 9:21 PM

Later:

Dragonflies...

Julia's been struggling with Kim's death since I told her about it last weekend. She hasn't really had to deal with this sort of thing before, so it's kind of been touch and go with how I'm going to handle it. She and Kim met a couple of times, including a wonderful dinner with Erin, Kim, and me and the kids at Macayo's. Kim and Julia got along really well, and Julia knew that Kim and I were battling the same thing. So, in telling Julia about Kim, I had to be very careful about making sure that I specified that I wasn't going to die, even though Kim did. There was a lot of questions, explanations, and talking about what happened. She spent the entire night crying on and off, and really had a difficult time reconciling things in her mind.

One of the things that Julia struggled with was, how can I believe that Kim is watching over us if her body is in the ground? I had to explain to her that it's my belief that people's bodies end up in the Earth, but their spirits are always with us, and will help guide us in OUR lives. I told her about my belief with the dragonflies (which, by the way, I STILL very much believe, because anytime I'm struggling, I see one and immediately feel better), which she took in stride.

Until yesterday, when she was outside playing with her new friend down the street. I was watching the girls head to Sierra's house, and Julia was at the end of our driveway. She stopped to turn back and tell me something, and a dragonfly caught her attention. In a very nonchalant manner, Julia said, "Hi Kim", looked at me, said "See Mom, Kim's here - it's all going to be okay" and then headed over to her friends house.

Amazing. Thank you, Kim. Thank you for watching over us, and for making me (and my daughter) feel a little more at peace with what happened. Knowing that you're here for us when we need reassurance makes losing you a teeny bit easier.

Love you, Kim.

Comments:

Nancy said...

oh sweetie..how totally awesome...that was the best way to go about it and butterflies are also a good way too.I always seem to spot one or one will land on me when I am really down.They are sent by God to let us know that our loved ones are always with us.Julia will make it and baby so will you.You have the best way of thinking it through and the belief that the spirit is always with us it a good one.with us and with God.You are so strong and you will help Julia grow strong in life with all you pass down to here.I love you all Michelle..Love and Later Aunt Nancy

September 21, 2009 at 6:02 AM

Comment deleted

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

September 21, 2009 at 3:13 PM

 Heat said...

:-)

September 24, 2009 at 9:22 PM

SEPTEMBER 19, 2009

Has it been a week?

Wow - who knew. Guess I didn't blog because I didn't have much to say this week. :-) It's been a fairly quiet week, and by that I mean no major catastrophes and no major meltdowns.

Was supposed to speak at a panel discussion this morning, but they cancelled when I was less than a mile from the facility. Bummer. But, it wasn't a total loss because I got to hang out with my friend Vinny, and we got to talk and get to know one another better. He's such a great guy, and truly was a blessing to Kim.

Let's see - what else? I spent yesterday afternoon meeting doctors and dropping off Undy 5000 information. It's always odd to walk into a doctor's office and feel like I'm trying to sell something, which I'm not, but that's kind of how the office staff make you feel. They grill you and question you and act very uninterested in what you have to provide them with, even though in EVERY circumstance the information and materials were requested b the doctor him/herself.

I think that's about it. I did start taking my anti-depressant pills this week. This was a very personal decision and one that so far, I'm okay with. I haven't had a chance to get in with a naturopath yet, and I don't want to have yet another week of feeling like I'm Dr Jekyll to my normal Mr Hyde. I hate that feeling, and I think it's a direct cause of the hormones shifting and trying to balance themselves back out. Damn chemo! :-) So, in the meantime, I am going to be proactive about my emotions and the ensuing depression, and hopefully head it off. (And, now I'm told that I'm in the majority - apparently a lot cancer/chemo patients end up on anti-depressants.)

So far, I'm feeling pretty good. I can feel the things in my body that are telling me that the "down" time is coming, so it's just a few days until I have issues, or could have issues. We'll see - if you see another curse-infected post, you'll know what happened.

I have gotten in touch with Melissa, who is battling stage-4 lung cancer. She's in her late 20s and being treated at CTCA. She and I met before Kim headed to CTCA, and then while Kim was there, she and Melissa became friends. So, it's only natural for me to get in contact with Melissa. I'm hoping to meet up with her in the next couple of weeks - she's an amazing person. You can look at her blog and website here.

While I was at CTCA yesterday, I ran into a gentleman that works in the marketing department with the people I have a relationship with there. He was at the faith conference last week, and purposely came up to me, introduced himself, and we talked for probably 20 minutes. He lost his dad to colon cancer back in March and has since started working at CTCA. He is going to be a huge advocate. So proud that people remember me (for a good reason) when I speak at these things, and that they are inspired to take part in an organization. That's SUCH a good feeling.

Other than that, the kids and I are (hopefully) going to the Movie in the Park tonight. That is, if the rain holds off. The dark clouds to the east are telling me a different story, but I'm hopeful.

Comments:

M. Jones said...

Hello,

Thanks for the sharing.

I have a friend that's fighting stage 4 colon cancer so I know what a dreadful disease it is.

I had my first colonoscopy at age 50. A polyp was found and removed. I’m now 58 and I had my second colonoscopy a few weeks ago. Nothing was found this time.

I just want to remind and encourage everyone to get screened for colon cancer. The procedure itself (colonoscopy) is not painful, with the possible exception of the I.V. The preparation the day before is a little inconvenient. Plan to be close to a bathroom.

The 'official' guideline is to have a colonoscopy if you are older than 50 and every 10 years thereafter. That is, if you're at average risk. Check with your physician. Schedule an appointment today!

November 3, 2009 at 1:43 PM

SEPTEMBER 12, 2009

Reflections, Part 2

I haven't gone back to read what I wrote the other day - I figure I'll go from the heart and hope it works for you....and me.....

So, Kim's funeral was gorgeous and sad and amazing and a tribute to a wonderful woman. I was given the tremendous honor of being considered one of the family and it's something I won't ever, ever forget. I don't remember if I went into the whole day in the last post - I will have to go back through and read them and see what I forgot. But, suffice it to say that the entire day was healing and terrifying and emotional and sad and....well, words can't be put to it.

While I was in the church, I have to say that the emotions came over me pretty hard a couple of times. Listening to Kim's friends and family talk about the woman she was - it was like a window into this life before cancer. That got me thinking.....what would people say about me at my funeral? And, the inevitable transition to the thought that, had I not gone into the doctor's office, my family would have had to face this day in front of my casket. Wow. When one of their uncles read Scott's letter (Kim's brother) to Kim, I started thinking about my brothers, and hoping that I never have to put them in this position. Kim and Scott were very close, as I think that I am with my brothers, and to think that they could someday be in this position was TERRIFYING! And, a shock.

Watching Kim and Deron's children try to navigate the waters at their mother's funeral was heartbreaking. Dylan seemed to be doing as well as can be expected. Admittedly, I don't know him very well, but he is clearly an introspective child that will take a while to work through his emotions and get to a point of acceptance and understanding. Kiki had a visible change from the day that her mom died to the day of the funeral - her body language, her face, everything changed. I was sad for their kids, and I started to think about my kids. I don't ever want to have to see my kids go through that. I don't want to be the one to put them through this.

That was hard - thinking about how my kids could have been in this position. That was a HIT in my stomach unlike anything I've ever felt. I think that this the first time I've allowed myself to think about what my kids' lives would have been like if I hadn't gone to the drs and if I hadn't been given the gift of life.

Seeing Deron during this time made me think about Levi. It made me angry that this cancer could have taken us from one another. Deron and Kim had a lifetime of plans together.....and, now Deron has to figure out how to go on without his wife. He has to make choices for their kids on his own. He has to figure out what living as a widower means. I can't imagine live without Levi - granted, he's not here physically, but to know that he's literally a phone call away.....that makes it easier. To try to imagine life without knowing that he's here, that he loves me, that he's my husband - I can't even fathom it. Randi is, I think, the only person that can understand what Deron must be going through......I'm so glad that Deron has someone he can talk with. What they have both been through is just so foreign to me. I hope I don't ever have to join that group - and, I hope that Levi can stay a non-member as well.

Since the services, I've kept in touch with the family and friends. I am so amazed and in awe of Kim's strength, the strength of her family and friends, and their willingness to accept me, a virtual stranger, into their midst. I have friends and family that I love and adore and miss terribly. Times like this, I wish my friends were closer - unfortunately, the majority of them live in different states. I have an extended family that I am blessed with, and I have missed them desperately during the past couple of years. It's been a struggle knowing that I can call them, talk with them, have them cry with me, but to not have that support system to provide me with a hug, or a pat on the back, or a shoulder to cry on - that's been tough. My parents have been amazing and I can't begin to express my thanks to them for their support. Sometimes, through, it's hard to let go in front of them, because they are already shouldering so much burden.....sometimes, all I want is a friend that I can confide in, talk with, and know that their presence is an uplifting thing that will leave me feeling a little lighter. People like Jen, Sharon, Amy, Amie, Steph......(I know I missed some....please don't be offended).....I wish that they were here in person to just go to dinner. Go to the movies. Go to the coffee shop and just T-A-L-K.

Well, Kim gave me the gift of her friends. In her loss, I gained friends. Last night, at the Apollo HS game and benefit for Kim, I saw people and friends that I have gotten to know. And, for the first time in ages, I feel like I'm home. Not only do I have friends all over the world (!!!), I have friends here too, which is something I haven't had in a LONG time. I've had friends, but not FRIENDS. Understand the difference?

So, with that, I'm going to log off, get the kids ready for errands, and then take care of a couple of things I have to get done today.

Please remember to take the time to count your blessings today. Take a moment to relax, think about the good in your life, and smile at something. Anything. It lifts the spirits.

Later:

TWC Speaking Engagement a ROUSING success

I wanted to blog quickly about the speaking thing I had at an event for TWC the other day. It was AWESOME. They had a conference called "Facing Cancer in the Faith Community" which was a gathering of clergy, faith-based organizations and people in the medical community to discuss how faith can help, or hurt, a person's emotional and physical well-being after a diagnosis of cancer, as well as during and after their treatment. I attended on the request of Jamie, one of the facilitators at TWC. I had committed to this months ago, and was very excited about it.

I was there to discuss the myths people have about cancer (i.e. it only happens to old people, you can tell a person has cancer by looking at them, etc.) along with a panel of other participants. Awesome - there were probably about 75 attendees at the conference, and I stayed for the majority of the time (I had therapy that afternoon, so headed out). The program was the panl dicussion first, followed by group breakout sessions (I attended "What Every New Cancer Patient Needs to Know"), lunch, then roundtable discussions.

Overall, this was an amazing thing to attend - not only was I able to learn a lot of good information and meet some amazing people, I was able to give the clergy and medical community some information and insight into what it's like to BE a cancer patient (particularly a young adult cancer patient/survivor) and how I handled it, what I was happy/pissed off about, and how I wished things had been handled differently. It definitely got some attention and my open and honest discussion with people clearly had them thinking about things. I handed out my cards to several people, and I'm hopeful that I will hear from people soon.

I have to say that I am so glad that I get the chance to do things like this - talking with these people makes me feel like I am having a potential impact on future patients and survivors, and if my blabbering on about my journey has a positive impact on how someone treats someone else....well, it doesn't get much better than that, does it? It's such an uplifting experience for me, and it heals my heart when I most need it.

Comments:

 Whidbey Woman said...

I'm proud of you, Michelle as I am sure all your friends and family are. You are truly making a difference.

September 12, 2009 at 1:37 PM

SEPTEMBER 8, 2009

Reflections, Part 1

I don't know if I'll ever be able to go through and tell you everything that I have been thinking or thought or felt during the past week. I don't think that there are words that can convey these things. But, I'm going to try to tell you a couple of key things....bear with me, as this may ramble and go on and on and seem to just be a jumble of words....

Wednesday night was Kim's services. The funeral home was packed. It was a wonderful tribute to an amazing woman, and I am so glad that my good friend Seana was willing to come over to watch the kids and allow me the chance to go. I drove there, dreading what I was going to see and not sure how I was going to react. Since Kim's death, I have held up pretty well - I had tried to tell myself at the end that this was what was going to happen, and tried to be honest with myself about what I think I knew was the inevitable end of this journey for Kim. I thought I was doing okay - until I walked into the funeral home. I was nervous - do I go up to the family? I tried to look for friends, but everyone was kind of crowded around the entrance to the viewing room. I peeked in and completely lost it. They were playing a video that Natty (one of Kim's best friends, and now someone that I consider a friend) made with the help of Kim's family and friends. The song "Sissy's Song" by Alan Jackson was playing, and on the screen was a picture of Kim, her volleyball team, her mom and me, posing with the blue shirts that had Kim's name on it. I LOST it. Completely, totally sobbing. Luckily, Randi came up and found me and guided me to the aisle they were sitting in. And, I was able to grieve for a friend, the loss of a life that seems so senseless and to be able to be healed by my new friends. Truly a wonderfully sad, poignant moment for me. I had, wait, HAVE friends that I can mourn with. Truly a revelation.

We sat and watched this video go through Kim's life. I saw people come in, hesitate to go up to the casket because they clearly didn't want to accept what was truth - that Kim was gone. I watched people go to the family and have no words, but convey their sentiments through hugs, kisses, and the look on their face. (Sometimes, words aren't necessary...) I saw people come in, look at the casket, and immediately turn away because they couldn't handle this.

Randi, Mike, Laura, Jake, Erin, Doug and I all went up to pay our respects to Kim and then took some time out to just be together. I went up to Kim, and said my goodbyes. I promised her that I won't stop fighting. And, I won't let her death be in vain. I also promised her that I will stay in contact with her family, and will do what I can to help her family through this.

After dinner, I headed home and went to bed, but struggled to go to sleep. So many things were running through my head.

Thursday morning, I dropped the kids off at daycare and proceeded to Aunt Kathy's house to meet the girls (as they are known). I am so lucky to have them in my circle of friends. They were waiting for me, then we headed to the church. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel, what was going to happen, etc. But, it was all as okay as it could be.

Side note: since Kim's death, when I am having a a rough time thinking about things or trying to work things through in my head, I have seen a dragonfly. The weekend after Kim's death, I was out watering my front yard, and saw the most GORGEOUS orange dragonfly. And, I felt better. I knew that I would be okay. On the way to Aunt Kathy's on Thursday morning, I had two dragonflies buzz my car just when I was having a tough time thinking about what was about to happen. As I spoke to the girls about this, it became evident that this was Kim, telling me not to worry. Since then, I have seen more dragonflies and butterflies around. Coincidence? Perhaps. But, it makes me feel better, and that's all that matters, I think.

Anyways, we got to the church, which was a BEAUTIFUL place to behold. Just gorgeous. We were one of the first people there, and were given the opportunity to set up the photo books, pictures, etc. for the mourners.

Once the ceremony started, I was SO glad to have the girls to lean on. I am envious of their friendship and commitment to one another, and grateful to be a small part of their group. For that day, I was "one of the girls" and was allowed to share my grief with them. Mike, Randi's husband, was a wonderful rock for me and gave me just what I needed at my most vulnerable moment of the day - a hug. Something so wonderful and so simple, yet SO meaningful. Thanks, Mike. And, Randi - thanks for letting me use your husband for a few moments. He's definitely a keeper! :-)

I forgot to mention that, on the way to the church and then on the way to the cemetary, Laura, one of Kim's best friends from college, rode with me and talked with me and just generally made me feel like a welcome part of the group. Thanks, Laura. I am so grateful that you rode with me that day.

Anyways, the ceremony was perfect - a short talk by the priest, but then the majority of the speaking was done by family and friends. Just a wonderful tribute to an amazing person. It made me laugh, cry, sigh, mourn, and rejoice in Kim's life. It also made me think, SO MUCH.

And, with that, I'm going to end this post. I will post more later. I need to get to bed, and I want to make sure that I give these posts some serious thought.

Having said that, know that I am still in the process of working things through my head, and may delve into these things in future posts. I will title this post Reflections, part 1. I don't know how many of them there will be. Hmmmm....

Comments:

Amanda: said...

((hugs))

September 10, 2009 at 7:52 AM

 Heat said...

i'm starting to learn that when i most think that i have it all together - because i can "think" it all away - is when i really have it together the least and not to kid myself.

glad you're doing ok. looking forward to reading more thoughts.

it's a fascinating journey, isn't it?

September 10, 2009 at 8:12 PM

SEPTEMBER 2, 2009

Services tonight and tomorrow.....

The good news is that, mentally, I am feeling better. I think that I have figured out that these depressed weeks that I am dealing with relate to my menstrual cycle (fun, eh?). I am working a couple of angles to try to handle this - I think that the chemo dealt my body a hormonal blow, and now I need to deal a blow right back. When I went to the OB last month, the doctor gave me a drug that only deals with the symptoms, and he didn't want to look at the cause. (He told me it was just really bad PMS.....um, no.) So, I will be contacting my general practitioner to get a referral to someone else that I think might help me more than this guy. Meantime, I am also still going to therapy and will also be getting a massage this Friday (whew.....so happy about this...). Perhaps this will all help me deal with the crap a bit better.

Tonight, I am heading to the services for Kim. A friend offered to watch the kids for me, and I am so grateful for it. Tomorrow is the funeral and the burial, and I know that it's going to be hard. But, thank goodness my mind is in a better place, so I think I'll be okay.

Regarding my post over the weekend, I am still definitely struggling with my faith, and searching for answers. I don't think I am going to get them anytime soon, but I am searching for them, so I know that's a step in the right direction. I have some ideas and I will be pursuing them, slowly but surely.

I will keep you updated, but you may not hear from me for a couple of days. I am going to spend time with the kids, and try to take the weekend (mostly) off from the computer. I know I have some things to take care of, but I am going to try to spend the weekend relaxing. New concept for me, but something I am trying to learn how to do. LOL!

Comments:

Heat said...

I just saw my doc on Thursday regarding hormonal issues as a result of chemo (including but not limited to chemo boobs). This is what she told me and where we're at right now:

vitamin E and calcium help relieve symptoms of PMS — 200 of E the week-10 days before and the week of your period; 1500 calcium

she ordered hormone tests that she said I should have drawn on the third day of my period, as that's the best day in the cycle to get a good reading

she gave me a recommendation of an OB-gyn to go see. I haven't gone yet but will be going soon.

That's all, but it's something you can be armed with...

OK, well, that's all I've got, but I'll keep you posted as I go.

September 2, 2009 at 4:55 PM

 Whidbey Woman said...

I'm praying for you and kim's family and friends. I'm so glad you found a babysitter... I was about ready to hop on Southwest and fly down there!

September 2, 2009 at 7:21 PM