I haven't
gone back to read what I wrote the other day - I figure I'll go from the heart
and hope it works for you....and me.....
So, Kim's funeral was gorgeous and sad and amazing and a tribute to a wonderful woman. I was given the tremendous honor of being considered one of the family and it's something I won't ever, ever forget. I don't remember if I went into the whole day in the last post - I will have to go back through and read them and see what I forgot. But, suffice it to say that the entire day was healing and terrifying and emotional and sad and....well, words can't be put to it.
While I was in the church, I have to say that the emotions came over me pretty hard a couple of times. Listening to Kim's friends and family talk about the woman she was - it was like a window into this life before cancer. That got me thinking.....what would people say about me at my funeral? And, the inevitable transition to the thought that, had I not gone into the doctor's office, my family would have had to face this day in front of my casket. Wow. When one of their uncles read Scott's letter (Kim's brother) to Kim, I started thinking about my brothers, and hoping that I never have to put them in this position. Kim and Scott were very close, as I think that I am with my brothers, and to think that they could someday be in this position was TERRIFYING! And, a shock.
Watching Kim and Deron's children try to navigate the waters at their mother's funeral was heartbreaking. Dylan seemed to be doing as well as can be expected. Admittedly, I don't know him very well, but he is clearly an introspective child that will take a while to work through his emotions and get to a point of acceptance and understanding. Kiki had a visible change from the day that her mom died to the day of the funeral - her body language, her face, everything changed. I was sad for their kids, and I started to think about my kids. I don't ever want to have to see my kids go through that. I don't want to be the one to put them through this.
That was hard - thinking about how my kids could have been in this position. That was a HIT in my stomach unlike anything I've ever felt. I think that this the first time I've allowed myself to think about what my kids' lives would have been like if I hadn't gone to the drs and if I hadn't been given the gift of life.
Seeing Deron during this time made me think about Levi. It made me angry that this cancer could have taken us from one another. Deron and Kim had a lifetime of plans together.....and, now Deron has to figure out how to go on without his wife. He has to make choices for their kids on his own. He has to figure out what living as a widower means. I can't imagine live without Levi - granted, he's not here physically, but to know that he's literally a phone call away.....that makes it easier. To try to imagine life without knowing that he's here, that he loves me, that he's my husband - I can't even fathom it. Randi is, I think, the only person that can understand what Deron must be going through......I'm so glad that Deron has someone he can talk with. What they have both been through is just so foreign to me. I hope I don't ever have to join that group - and, I hope that Levi can stay a non-member as well.
Since the services, I've kept in touch with the family and friends. I am so amazed and in awe of Kim's strength, the strength of her family and friends, and their willingness to accept me, a virtual stranger, into their midst. I have friends and family that I love and adore and miss terribly. Times like this, I wish my friends were closer - unfortunately, the majority of them live in different states. I have an extended family that I am blessed with, and I have missed them desperately during the past couple of years. It's been a struggle knowing that I can call them, talk with them, have them cry with me, but to not have that support system to provide me with a hug, or a pat on the back, or a shoulder to cry on - that's been tough. My parents have been amazing and I can't begin to express my thanks to them for their support. Sometimes, through, it's hard to let go in front of them, because they are already shouldering so much burden.....sometimes, all I want is a friend that I can confide in, talk with, and know that their presence is an uplifting thing that will leave me feeling a little lighter. People like Jen, Sharon, Amy, Amie, Steph......(I know I missed some....please don't be offended).....I wish that they were here in person to just go to dinner. Go to the movies. Go to the coffee shop and just T-A-L-K.
Well, Kim gave me the gift of her friends. In her loss, I gained friends. Last night, at the Apollo HS game and benefit for Kim, I saw people and friends that I have gotten to know. And, for the first time in ages, I feel like I'm home. Not only do I have friends all over the world (!!!), I have friends here too, which is something I haven't had in a LONG time. I've had friends, but not FRIENDS. Understand the difference?
So, with that, I'm going to log off, get the kids ready for errands, and then take care of a couple of things I have to get done today.
Please remember to take the time to count your blessings today. Take a moment to relax, think about the good in your life, and smile at something. Anything. It lifts the spirits.
So, Kim's funeral was gorgeous and sad and amazing and a tribute to a wonderful woman. I was given the tremendous honor of being considered one of the family and it's something I won't ever, ever forget. I don't remember if I went into the whole day in the last post - I will have to go back through and read them and see what I forgot. But, suffice it to say that the entire day was healing and terrifying and emotional and sad and....well, words can't be put to it.
While I was in the church, I have to say that the emotions came over me pretty hard a couple of times. Listening to Kim's friends and family talk about the woman she was - it was like a window into this life before cancer. That got me thinking.....what would people say about me at my funeral? And, the inevitable transition to the thought that, had I not gone into the doctor's office, my family would have had to face this day in front of my casket. Wow. When one of their uncles read Scott's letter (Kim's brother) to Kim, I started thinking about my brothers, and hoping that I never have to put them in this position. Kim and Scott were very close, as I think that I am with my brothers, and to think that they could someday be in this position was TERRIFYING! And, a shock.
Watching Kim and Deron's children try to navigate the waters at their mother's funeral was heartbreaking. Dylan seemed to be doing as well as can be expected. Admittedly, I don't know him very well, but he is clearly an introspective child that will take a while to work through his emotions and get to a point of acceptance and understanding. Kiki had a visible change from the day that her mom died to the day of the funeral - her body language, her face, everything changed. I was sad for their kids, and I started to think about my kids. I don't ever want to have to see my kids go through that. I don't want to be the one to put them through this.
That was hard - thinking about how my kids could have been in this position. That was a HIT in my stomach unlike anything I've ever felt. I think that this the first time I've allowed myself to think about what my kids' lives would have been like if I hadn't gone to the drs and if I hadn't been given the gift of life.
Seeing Deron during this time made me think about Levi. It made me angry that this cancer could have taken us from one another. Deron and Kim had a lifetime of plans together.....and, now Deron has to figure out how to go on without his wife. He has to make choices for their kids on his own. He has to figure out what living as a widower means. I can't imagine live without Levi - granted, he's not here physically, but to know that he's literally a phone call away.....that makes it easier. To try to imagine life without knowing that he's here, that he loves me, that he's my husband - I can't even fathom it. Randi is, I think, the only person that can understand what Deron must be going through......I'm so glad that Deron has someone he can talk with. What they have both been through is just so foreign to me. I hope I don't ever have to join that group - and, I hope that Levi can stay a non-member as well.
Since the services, I've kept in touch with the family and friends. I am so amazed and in awe of Kim's strength, the strength of her family and friends, and their willingness to accept me, a virtual stranger, into their midst. I have friends and family that I love and adore and miss terribly. Times like this, I wish my friends were closer - unfortunately, the majority of them live in different states. I have an extended family that I am blessed with, and I have missed them desperately during the past couple of years. It's been a struggle knowing that I can call them, talk with them, have them cry with me, but to not have that support system to provide me with a hug, or a pat on the back, or a shoulder to cry on - that's been tough. My parents have been amazing and I can't begin to express my thanks to them for their support. Sometimes, through, it's hard to let go in front of them, because they are already shouldering so much burden.....sometimes, all I want is a friend that I can confide in, talk with, and know that their presence is an uplifting thing that will leave me feeling a little lighter. People like Jen, Sharon, Amy, Amie, Steph......(I know I missed some....please don't be offended).....I wish that they were here in person to just go to dinner. Go to the movies. Go to the coffee shop and just T-A-L-K.
Well, Kim gave me the gift of her friends. In her loss, I gained friends. Last night, at the Apollo HS game and benefit for Kim, I saw people and friends that I have gotten to know. And, for the first time in ages, I feel like I'm home. Not only do I have friends all over the world (!!!), I have friends here too, which is something I haven't had in a LONG time. I've had friends, but not FRIENDS. Understand the difference?
So, with that, I'm going to log off, get the kids ready for errands, and then take care of a couple of things I have to get done today.
Please remember to take the time to count your blessings today. Take a moment to relax, think about the good in your life, and smile at something. Anything. It lifts the spirits.
Later:
I wanted
to blog quickly about the speaking thing I had at an event for TWC the other
day. It was AWESOME. They had a conference called "Facing Cancer in the
Faith Community" which was a gathering of clergy, faith-based
organizations and people in the medical community to discuss how faith can
help, or hurt, a person's emotional and physical well-being after a diagnosis
of cancer, as well as during and after their treatment. I attended on the
request of Jamie, one of the facilitators at TWC. I had committed to this
months ago, and was very excited about it.
I was there to discuss the myths people have about cancer (i.e. it only happens to old people, you can tell a person has cancer by looking at them, etc.) along with a panel of other participants. Awesome - there were probably about 75 attendees at the conference, and I stayed for the majority of the time (I had therapy that afternoon, so headed out). The program was the panl dicussion first, followed by group breakout sessions (I attended "What Every New Cancer Patient Needs to Know"), lunch, then roundtable discussions.
Overall, this was an amazing thing to attend - not only was I able to learn a lot of good information and meet some amazing people, I was able to give the clergy and medical community some information and insight into what it's like to BE a cancer patient (particularly a young adult cancer patient/survivor) and how I handled it, what I was happy/pissed off about, and how I wished things had been handled differently. It definitely got some attention and my open and honest discussion with people clearly had them thinking about things. I handed out my cards to several people, and I'm hopeful that I will hear from people soon.
I have to say that I am so glad that I get the chance to do things like this - talking with these people makes me feel like I am having a potential impact on future patients and survivors, and if my blabbering on about my journey has a positive impact on how someone treats someone else....well, it doesn't get much better than that, does it? It's such an uplifting experience for me, and it heals my heart when I most need it.
I was there to discuss the myths people have about cancer (i.e. it only happens to old people, you can tell a person has cancer by looking at them, etc.) along with a panel of other participants. Awesome - there were probably about 75 attendees at the conference, and I stayed for the majority of the time (I had therapy that afternoon, so headed out). The program was the panl dicussion first, followed by group breakout sessions (I attended "What Every New Cancer Patient Needs to Know"), lunch, then roundtable discussions.
Overall, this was an amazing thing to attend - not only was I able to learn a lot of good information and meet some amazing people, I was able to give the clergy and medical community some information and insight into what it's like to BE a cancer patient (particularly a young adult cancer patient/survivor) and how I handled it, what I was happy/pissed off about, and how I wished things had been handled differently. It definitely got some attention and my open and honest discussion with people clearly had them thinking about things. I handed out my cards to several people, and I'm hopeful that I will hear from people soon.
I have to say that I am so glad that I get the chance to do things like this - talking with these people makes me feel like I am having a potential impact on future patients and survivors, and if my blabbering on about my journey has a positive impact on how someone treats someone else....well, it doesn't get much better than that, does it? It's such an uplifting experience for me, and it heals my heart when I most need it.
Comments:
I'm
proud of you, Michelle as I am sure all your friends and family are. You are
truly making a difference.
September
12, 2009 at 1:37 PM
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