I don't
know if I'll ever be able to go through and tell you everything that I have
been thinking or thought or felt during the past week. I don't think that there
are words that can convey these things. But, I'm going to try to tell you a
couple of key things....bear with me, as this may ramble and go on and on and
seem to just be a jumble of words....
Wednesday night was Kim's services. The funeral home was packed. It was a wonderful tribute to an amazing woman, and I am so glad that my good friend Seana was willing to come over to watch the kids and allow me the chance to go. I drove there, dreading what I was going to see and not sure how I was going to react. Since Kim's death, I have held up pretty well - I had tried to tell myself at the end that this was what was going to happen, and tried to be honest with myself about what I think I knew was the inevitable end of this journey for Kim. I thought I was doing okay - until I walked into the funeral home. I was nervous - do I go up to the family? I tried to look for friends, but everyone was kind of crowded around the entrance to the viewing room. I peeked in and completely lost it. They were playing a video that Natty (one of Kim's best friends, and now someone that I consider a friend) made with the help of Kim's family and friends. The song "Sissy's Song" by Alan Jackson was playing, and on the screen was a picture of Kim, her volleyball team, her mom and me, posing with the blue shirts that had Kim's name on it. I LOST it. Completely, totally sobbing. Luckily, Randi came up and found me and guided me to the aisle they were sitting in. And, I was able to grieve for a friend, the loss of a life that seems so senseless and to be able to be healed by my new friends. Truly a wonderfully sad, poignant moment for me. I had, wait, HAVE friends that I can mourn with. Truly a revelation.
We sat and watched this video go through Kim's life. I saw people come in, hesitate to go up to the casket because they clearly didn't want to accept what was truth - that Kim was gone. I watched people go to the family and have no words, but convey their sentiments through hugs, kisses, and the look on their face. (Sometimes, words aren't necessary...) I saw people come in, look at the casket, and immediately turn away because they couldn't handle this.
Randi, Mike, Laura, Jake, Erin, Doug and I all went up to pay our respects to Kim and then took some time out to just be together. I went up to Kim, and said my goodbyes. I promised her that I won't stop fighting. And, I won't let her death be in vain. I also promised her that I will stay in contact with her family, and will do what I can to help her family through this.
After dinner, I headed home and went to bed, but struggled to go to sleep. So many things were running through my head.
Thursday morning, I dropped the kids off at daycare and proceeded to Aunt Kathy's house to meet the girls (as they are known). I am so lucky to have them in my circle of friends. They were waiting for me, then we headed to the church. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel, what was going to happen, etc. But, it was all as okay as it could be.
Side note: since Kim's death, when I am having a a rough time thinking about things or trying to work things through in my head, I have seen a dragonfly. The weekend after Kim's death, I was out watering my front yard, and saw the most GORGEOUS orange dragonfly. And, I felt better. I knew that I would be okay. On the way to Aunt Kathy's on Thursday morning, I had two dragonflies buzz my car just when I was having a tough time thinking about what was about to happen. As I spoke to the girls about this, it became evident that this was Kim, telling me not to worry. Since then, I have seen more dragonflies and butterflies around. Coincidence? Perhaps. But, it makes me feel better, and that's all that matters, I think.
Anyways, we got to the church, which was a BEAUTIFUL place to behold. Just gorgeous. We were one of the first people there, and were given the opportunity to set up the photo books, pictures, etc. for the mourners.
Once the ceremony started, I was SO glad to have the girls to lean on. I am envious of their friendship and commitment to one another, and grateful to be a small part of their group. For that day, I was "one of the girls" and was allowed to share my grief with them. Mike, Randi's husband, was a wonderful rock for me and gave me just what I needed at my most vulnerable moment of the day - a hug. Something so wonderful and so simple, yet SO meaningful. Thanks, Mike. And, Randi - thanks for letting me use your husband for a few moments. He's definitely a keeper! :-)
I forgot to mention that, on the way to the church and then on the way to the cemetary, Laura, one of Kim's best friends from college, rode with me and talked with me and just generally made me feel like a welcome part of the group. Thanks, Laura. I am so grateful that you rode with me that day.
Anyways, the ceremony was perfect - a short talk by the priest, but then the majority of the speaking was done by family and friends. Just a wonderful tribute to an amazing person. It made me laugh, cry, sigh, mourn, and rejoice in Kim's life. It also made me think, SO MUCH.
And, with that, I'm going to end this post. I will post more later. I need to get to bed, and I want to make sure that I give these posts some serious thought.
Having said that, know that I am still in the process of working things through my head, and may delve into these things in future posts. I will title this post Reflections, part 1. I don't know how many of them there will be. Hmmmm....
Wednesday night was Kim's services. The funeral home was packed. It was a wonderful tribute to an amazing woman, and I am so glad that my good friend Seana was willing to come over to watch the kids and allow me the chance to go. I drove there, dreading what I was going to see and not sure how I was going to react. Since Kim's death, I have held up pretty well - I had tried to tell myself at the end that this was what was going to happen, and tried to be honest with myself about what I think I knew was the inevitable end of this journey for Kim. I thought I was doing okay - until I walked into the funeral home. I was nervous - do I go up to the family? I tried to look for friends, but everyone was kind of crowded around the entrance to the viewing room. I peeked in and completely lost it. They were playing a video that Natty (one of Kim's best friends, and now someone that I consider a friend) made with the help of Kim's family and friends. The song "Sissy's Song" by Alan Jackson was playing, and on the screen was a picture of Kim, her volleyball team, her mom and me, posing with the blue shirts that had Kim's name on it. I LOST it. Completely, totally sobbing. Luckily, Randi came up and found me and guided me to the aisle they were sitting in. And, I was able to grieve for a friend, the loss of a life that seems so senseless and to be able to be healed by my new friends. Truly a wonderfully sad, poignant moment for me. I had, wait, HAVE friends that I can mourn with. Truly a revelation.
We sat and watched this video go through Kim's life. I saw people come in, hesitate to go up to the casket because they clearly didn't want to accept what was truth - that Kim was gone. I watched people go to the family and have no words, but convey their sentiments through hugs, kisses, and the look on their face. (Sometimes, words aren't necessary...) I saw people come in, look at the casket, and immediately turn away because they couldn't handle this.
Randi, Mike, Laura, Jake, Erin, Doug and I all went up to pay our respects to Kim and then took some time out to just be together. I went up to Kim, and said my goodbyes. I promised her that I won't stop fighting. And, I won't let her death be in vain. I also promised her that I will stay in contact with her family, and will do what I can to help her family through this.
After dinner, I headed home and went to bed, but struggled to go to sleep. So many things were running through my head.
Thursday morning, I dropped the kids off at daycare and proceeded to Aunt Kathy's house to meet the girls (as they are known). I am so lucky to have them in my circle of friends. They were waiting for me, then we headed to the church. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel, what was going to happen, etc. But, it was all as okay as it could be.
Side note: since Kim's death, when I am having a a rough time thinking about things or trying to work things through in my head, I have seen a dragonfly. The weekend after Kim's death, I was out watering my front yard, and saw the most GORGEOUS orange dragonfly. And, I felt better. I knew that I would be okay. On the way to Aunt Kathy's on Thursday morning, I had two dragonflies buzz my car just when I was having a tough time thinking about what was about to happen. As I spoke to the girls about this, it became evident that this was Kim, telling me not to worry. Since then, I have seen more dragonflies and butterflies around. Coincidence? Perhaps. But, it makes me feel better, and that's all that matters, I think.
Anyways, we got to the church, which was a BEAUTIFUL place to behold. Just gorgeous. We were one of the first people there, and were given the opportunity to set up the photo books, pictures, etc. for the mourners.
Once the ceremony started, I was SO glad to have the girls to lean on. I am envious of their friendship and commitment to one another, and grateful to be a small part of their group. For that day, I was "one of the girls" and was allowed to share my grief with them. Mike, Randi's husband, was a wonderful rock for me and gave me just what I needed at my most vulnerable moment of the day - a hug. Something so wonderful and so simple, yet SO meaningful. Thanks, Mike. And, Randi - thanks for letting me use your husband for a few moments. He's definitely a keeper! :-)
I forgot to mention that, on the way to the church and then on the way to the cemetary, Laura, one of Kim's best friends from college, rode with me and talked with me and just generally made me feel like a welcome part of the group. Thanks, Laura. I am so grateful that you rode with me that day.
Anyways, the ceremony was perfect - a short talk by the priest, but then the majority of the speaking was done by family and friends. Just a wonderful tribute to an amazing person. It made me laugh, cry, sigh, mourn, and rejoice in Kim's life. It also made me think, SO MUCH.
And, with that, I'm going to end this post. I will post more later. I need to get to bed, and I want to make sure that I give these posts some serious thought.
Having said that, know that I am still in the process of working things through my head, and may delve into these things in future posts. I will title this post Reflections, part 1. I don't know how many of them there will be. Hmmmm....
Comments:
Amanda: said...
((hugs))
September
10, 2009 at 7:52 AM
i'm
starting to learn that when i most think that i have it all together - because
i can "think" it all away - is when i really have it together the
least and not to kid myself.
glad you're doing ok. looking forward to reading more thoughts.
it's a fascinating journey, isn't it?
glad you're doing ok. looking forward to reading more thoughts.
it's a fascinating journey, isn't it?
September
10, 2009 at 8:12 PM
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