DECEMBER 13, 2011

5 weeks today

Today marks 5 weeks since my hysterectomy.  I'm sorry I haven't blogged - when I do feel good, I'm up and about (overdoing it, yes) and taking care of the mommy things I'm responsible for.  When I'm down and out - I am very definitively down and out.  Exhaustion, pain, and emotional instability seem to be markers of my tendency to think that mind over matter will work in this situation.  It won't.  Stupid body.

Since I last posted, I've tried really hard to become an expert at the art of relaxing.  I'm still in the "beginning" stages of that process, but I'm working on it.  For example, yesterday, the only things I did was take the kids to school, watch tv, play on the computer, work on Christmas cookie tags (while sitting down), get the kids from daycare, and make dinner.  Not a lot for my crazy-on-the-go normal life, but I think it may have been too much. Today will be about the same.  Matter of fact, it's 10am and I still haven't showered.  So far, I've gotten out of bed, got the kids ready for school and drove them there. :)  See - working on relaxing.  Oh - I'm doing laundry, too.

Overall, I think the recovery is going pretty much the way the drs had planned.  I think I went into the surgery expecting that in a month or so, I'd be back to normal.  Now, looking into other post-op hysterectomy ladies' stories, the expectation is that it can take 6-12 months before I feel whole again.  *sigh*  That isn't welcome information.  And, it could truly take longer than that, if I don't take it easy.  And, I usually don't.

The next couple of weeks are going to be cuh-razy.  Levi's still working out of town, and they have more work than they know what to do with.  This is normally a good thing, except that there aren't enough ppl to do the work in the many sites.  My MIL, Donna, comes into town Thursday night.  Levi comes home on Thursday night as well, to do some last minute work here in town (and possibly working on Saturday, which sucks).  I haven't gotten C'mas shopping done yet, and can't until Thursday or Friday (payday...LOL!).  Levi's back out to CA on Monday, Donna's in town until Thursday, and Levi's back on Friday.  The kids have a concert tomorrow night, and today's to-do list includes finding white shirts for both kids for the concert.  I also have to try to find a winter jacket for Kevin, since he's now lost two of them in a week.  I'm just going to duct tape them to him.  :)

I'm trying to remember to take it easy, but it's going to be a challenge over the next couple of weeks.  It's a good thing that I'm off of work until the end of the year - it's going to be tough to tackle what we have coming over the next two weeks - I can't imagine trying to juggle work, too.  Yikes!

Speaking of work, I'll be heading back after the first of the year.  I'm so grateful that I work for a company (and a boss) that is so willing to help me through everything.  I know I'll regret saying this later, but I'm looking forward to getting back to work.  It's going to be hard, but I can't wait to see/talk with everyone again.  Just don't tell them that, yet.  :)

As far as physical recovery, as I said, it's definitely slower than I want.  My tummy is still tender (not necessarily sore, but definitely tender).  I can't wear my pre-op jeans, so I had to go to a local resale store to get bigger sized jeans.  And, it still hurts to wear them.  I can, but not for too long.  So, I'm still wearing the same three pairs of yoga pants, which I'm quickly getting tired of (and wearing out).  My lower back bothers me when I overdo it, like I'm pretty sure I did yesterday; realized just now that a package was delivered and I picked it up to bring it into the house - which explains the back pain last night and today.  D'oh!  I'm still on a pretty regular regiment of Advil, which helps keep the inflammation down and the pain under control.  I'm very grateful for Advil.

I've noticed that since my surgery, I'm a lot more apt to cry or get emotional.  Not sure if that's something that will continue or will phase out as my body starts to regulate itself.  Might also have something to do with the fact that it's Christmas time (my favorite time of the year, hands down) and I am a sap for the commercials with sleeping babies, holiday songs, and emotional reunions on commercials.  It's going to be interesting to see  how this all plays out, that's for sure.

I think that's about it.  I should probably get up and take a shower now.  I'll try to be more diligent about posting.

NOVEMBER 11, 2011

Surgery Done!

5th abdominal surgery in 10 years is done!  I am now a uterus-free woman.  :)  Forgive me if this is TMI or rambling - I'm still under the influence of prescription pain meds.

Prep sucked, which is what I expected.  I've now done 4 different types of bowel prep, and I don't think any of them are fun.  The pills are definitely, in my opinion, the least suck-y prep.  The Half-Lytely is definitely in the running for the worst tasting.  I don't like knowing these things.  Just saying.

So, Tuesday morning, after dropping the kids at school, I headed into Phoenix to pick Levi up from the airport.  We went home, dropped his stuff off at the house, and drove into the hospital with Mom in tow.  I sat in the waiting room for about 10 minutes, then I was called into pre-op.  As usual, when the nurses found out I was diagnosed with colon cancer at 31 years old, they started asking the questions that I usually hear.  What were your symptoms?  Do you have a family history?  How did you know?  How were you treated?  I answered them (several times, as I was there during shift change) and hopefully taught them something.

We got the IV put in after the second attempt (both were in my forearm - ouch - and the first hit a valve, leaving a nice bruise), and Levi, Mom and I sat in the pre-op room until about 3:30, when I was wheeled back into surgery.  The OR was pretty large (and cold), and I was only awake long enough to see the HUGE television that's used during the Da Vinci procedure, as well as the robot they use.  Pretty cool, all in all.

I remember joking with the nurses about what movie they were going to watch on the television, and then waking up in recovery.  I remember being sore and tired.  My throat hurt from the breathing tube, and my belly hurt.  The good news was that they were able to do the entire procedure via the Da Vinci, meaning I only have 4 small incisions (about 1 inch each), rather than a larger single incision.  That should cut down on my recovery time.

Tuesday night was a mess of pain meds and sleeping.  I didn't sleep much that night, since we were trying to control the pain.  Thank goodness for IV pain meds, since the oral meds didn't touch the pain!  Wednesday was spent trying to get up, walking around, moving the air in my belly around, and trying to expel that air.  :)  That didn't happen until last night, by the way.  *sigh*  Ouch is all I can say.

Wednesday wasn't too bad, but we didn't see the doctor until  about 8:30pm.  I stayed that night as well, as we finally got the pain under control with Motrin and Vicodin.  I was released yesterday at around 11am, and spent the day in the recliner in the living room.  Levi got my pain meds and helped me a ton, and I got to see the kids and have dinner with the family.

Last night wasn't too bad.  Like I said, my biggest issue was the gas in my belly.  The  pockets of air in there were from the air they inserted to allow them to see what was going on, so it took some time to get that reabsorbed and released.  That's finally happening, and I can't tell you how happy I am about that.

So, what was causing the pain?  My doctor said that when I had the colon resection, my uterus (which tipped forward naturally) sat against the scar of the resection and thus sealed itself to the inside of my abdomen.  He said he had never seen anything like it - it was completely sealed to my insides.  This is part of what was causing me such pain when I stood up - my uterus was pulling against my entire abdomen.  In addition to that, my right ovary (which they removed) was completely encased in scar tissue.  Removal was the only solution to that.  In addition to that, my left ovary had some scar tissue on it, and had started to fuse itself to my bladder.  Luckily, we caught that in time, and the dr was able to detach the ovary from the bladder without causing damage to either one.  He can't guarantee that I won't have issues in the future, but he did what he could.

At this point, I'm very much looking forward to getting my shower and taking a nap.  I'm feeling ok - the pain in under control, so that's helpful.  Right now, I'm dealing with the disconnect between my head (which tells me I should be able to do more than I can) and my body (which is telling me to take it easy).  I'm doing my best to not overdo it, and I can definitely see that this is going to be my biggest challenge over the next couple of weeks.  I don't like depending on others, so I don't make a very good patient.  But, I'm definitely trying.

Off I go to take my first shower in 4 days (gross) and probably take a nap.  Levi and I may take a short drive later today, for a change of view for me.  The kids are off at the sitters, celebrating Veteran's Day and honoring all of those who have sacrificed for our freedoms.

I'll update more as I can.  Meantime, I'm off to get clean.  Finally.  :)

Whidbey Woman said...

Thanks so much, Michelle, for posting an update. I was wondering how you were going. Isn't technology amazing? I bet years ago, your recovery time would have been much, much longer. Hang in there, girlfriend!

November 12, 2011 at 8:29 AM

NOVEMBER 7, 2011

Prep, again...

Who giddily watches clips of New Kids on the Block while prepping for surgery?  And tells everyone about it?  (Pointng to self) *THIS GIRL!*

Nic, I was thinking of you....there are some amazing clips from this summer's tour on youtube.  LOVE my (ok, our) boys!  :)  They make me happy.

Yes, I'm a dork.  So what?  Gotta keep myself distracted somehow.   

Comments:

I'm Nic. said...

I'm all about the NKOTB curing what ails us! I listened to their Greatest Hits album (and sang "The Right Stuff" on the top of my lungs) while J. drove me to the hospital when I was in labour! May I suggest Youtubing their 1990 (year I think) appearance on Oprah...the one where Joe sings Sinatra's "Strangers in the Night" *swoon*. GOOD LUCK with the surgery. (Caps are annoying but of the utmost importance in this case! :) )

November 8, 2011 at 7:44 AM

NOVEMBER 4, 2011

Anxiety

I've been working remote most of this week, for a few reasons.  One, I started this week and the pain has been almost unbearable.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm not going to explain it to you.  Go ask your mother.  :)  The prep for the surgery has told me to try not to take meds, but I finally broke down yesterday.  I was almost in tears when I stood up.  And, last night, the pain literally woke me out of a dead sleep.

I have to say, I'm really have mixed feeling about this surgery.  I don't know why.  It doesn't make sense to me.  But, I'm trying to just go with it and realize that this is probably normal.  I think there's several factors about this that have me nervous.

I've had time to think about this surgery, and I'm realizing that's probably not a good thing.  I've done enough research (dumb me) to scare the crap out of myself.  At the same time, I know that after a short period of time, this will be worth it.  I hope.  What if this doesn't resolve the pain issues I'm having.  Then what?  (See - brain in overdrive....not good.)  And, what if they have issues while I'm under?  I got a call from the hospital yesterday, asking me to come in on Monday for some pre-op paperwork and some more blood work.  Apparently, the dr wants my blood type and some other blood work done (on top of what I had taken at his office earlier this week), and I have some other "tests" or something that I have to go through.  I'm going to be there for 90 minutes.  I don't remember having any of this done when I went in for any other surgery.  But, they were all a) to have babies or b) emergencies.  Is that a factor?  I don't know.  Why would he want my blood type if he wasn't worried about giving me a transfusion?  Is that normal?  *sigh*  See - anxiety.  I can feel my pulse racing, my heart beat speeding up, and my shoulders tighten up.

This past week, I've been watching the shows on tv that feature birth stories.  And, I've been crying each time.  I don't know why.  My body can't bear any more children.  I wonder if I'm only now really dealing with that.  When they were performing my C-Section with Kevin and we made the decision to tie my tubes, it was easy.  I was going to have a baby to take home, and I didn't want to be pregnant any more.  Because of that decision, I can't bear more children.  Mentally, I get that.  But, this removal of my baby-making parts completely?  I don't know why this is effecting me so much.  I don't think I want any more babies.  I can't imagine being pregnant, having any more kids, starting over with a new baby at this point in my life.  The fear of what the chemo and other stuff I've had pumped into me might have done to my remaining eggs is enough to keep me from *wanting* to conceive again.  And yet, I find myself mourning the not-so-real loss of my ability to bear more children.  I can't right now, even if I wanted to.  So, why am I watching these new mothers and their precious bundles of cuddles and hugs and sobbing like I've lost the ability to have kids altogether?  I don't know.  But, there it is.

Because I've been much more aware of  my body, I've been in a lot more pain this month.  Coincidence?  Not sure.  Is it that I'm noticing the pain more, or that it's worse?  Who knows.  All I know is that I can't be upright and standing/walking without medical pain relief, and my heating pad has become a constant companion.  I can't do all of the things that I want to do to prepare my family and the house for my recovery time.  I want to get the house clean, catch up on things I haven't done yet (like laundry, leaning out closets, taking the kids' stuff to the consignment shop, getting meals together, etc.), and try to relax with the kids.  I'm hoping I can remember that the very last item is the most important, and the rest will fall into place.  I have a list of things I want to work on this weekend, and while I keep crossing things off here and there, I also keep adding to it.  Are there enough hours in the next couple of days?  Yes.  Are there enough Advil in the house?  Not sure.  Add another item to the to-do list.

On top of all this, I'm still concerned about the level of uncertainty with this surgery.  I'm sure the dr is very good at what he does - I've heard from several ppl that he's a great dr.  He seems very good at what he does, but his bedside manner kind of sucks.  I think he may have forgotten that while this is routine surgery for him, it's not for me.  I'm going to try to remind him of this (gently) this upcoming week.  I've got a level of anxiety about what they are going to do.  I get the choices, and why they can't tell me more specifically what they are going to do until they get in there.  In my head, I totally get that.  And, it doesn't help one iota because I still don't like not knowing.  It's very difficult to plan for 4 weeks out of commission versus 8 weeks out of commission.  I like knowing what's happening.  Here, I don't as much as I'd like to.  That makes me unhappy.

What else?  I've had a lot rolling around in my head, and trying to make sure I'm not losing my mind while prepping everything/one for the upcoming downtime is really starting to take its toll.  Levi will be home on Tuesday morning (he is working all weekend to allow him to be home for the surgery as well as recovery).  That helps, but it doesn't give me much relief this weekend.  I don't want to ask my parents to take the kids, since they'll be helping out so much over the next couple of weeks, and they've already done SO MUCH for us over the past 4 years.  It seems so unfair that I've had to depend on them so much.  I'm 35 years old - I should be independent and able to care for my family.  I can't, and I hate it.

Being broken sucks.

I'm hoping that getting this out here will help get it out of my mind, and will help me kind of deal with what I've been going through.  I know that what I'm going through is minor compared to what others are going through. I know I've been through worse.  For some reason, this one is bothering me more than the others, and I can't figure out why.  I feel like I'm making mountains out of molehills, and I'm doubting my body's ability to recognize pain.  I'm fearful that they will get inside of me and say, "What the hell was she talking about?  There's nothing here!"  I don't want to be a big baby and have people think I'm taking advantage of them, of the situation, of the surgery and recovery.  I want to be able to live a normal life.  And, for the past several years, I haven't really been able to do that.

Maybe that's what this is all about.  Maybe my frustration is coming from the repeated assault on my body.  Could it be that this is one in a long line of panics, surgeries, feeling like an invalid, and the emotions are finally coming to the surface?  From the relaxation in my shoulders as I typed that, maybe.  I'll need to parse that out today as I'm running around.

Today's plans are to finish things up at work, set my voice mail and Out-of-Office notification as being out on medical leave, then log off the network at work for the final time before surgery.  I have to pick up some paperwork from the drs office, make a few phone calls, run some errands, then I'm going to take myself to the nail salon for a pedicure, manicure and brow wax.  After that, the kids and I have a *ton* of errands to run (assuming the blowing dust here doesn't deter us from that), and I can hopefully mark another item or two off the list without adding anything more.

Do you think I'm crazy?  Do you think I'm losing my mind.....or, do you think that this is all normal?  I just don't know.

Comments:

Jeannie said...

I think what you are feeling is normal. Plus you had more time to think about the surgery. While it is sometimes nice to have the time to fully process a procedure before it happens, in my experience it is better for me to have less time to think about it. I know when I had several months to ponder my colectomy, I thought I was going to go crazy with anxiety. I don't really mean to compare the two surgeries b/c the colectomy doesn't involve the same emotional aspects as a hysterectomy but I can draw a comparison on how the anxiety compounds from having so much time to think about it.

I'll be thinking about you and praying for it to go well next week.

November 4, 2011 at 7:10 AM

 Whidbey Woman said...

Michelle, There is nothing I can say that will take away your anxiety and even your mourning... yes, the loss of how your body use to be. All I can say is thank you, for your honesty. You never ever try to sugar coat things, and I admire that greatly. I can learn from that. I always feel like I have to be positive, be strong. And there are times life, especially cancer, just sucks!
I wish I was down there to help you in some way... just listen, while you talk things out; provide meals for the family, clean house, watch the kids, etc. Instead, I'll just pray... for a calm spirit, smooth surgery, and no complications post-op. LIVESTRONG!

November 6, 2011 at 9:08 AM

 Carol Pack Urban said...

I think you are grieving for a part of your life that will be over; moving on to a new part of your life that is scary, at least for now. It's okay to be sad at this loss.

November 6, 2011 at 5:47 PM

 I'm Nic. said...

I think your feelings are totally valid and normal. You are losing the tools that made your babies...anyone would mourn that. Thinking of you...

November 8, 2011 at 7:46 AM

NOVEMBER 1, 2011

T-Minus 7 days

7 days from today, I will have surgery to remove my uterus, cervix, hopefully the scar tissue, and possibly my ovary(ies) and part of my colon.  I know this doesn't make any sense, but I feel like I'm mourning this loss.  Stupid, right?

My tubes are tied.  This baby-making factory is closed.  Finito.  For shizzel.  However, this pending loss of a hope I've had for a while makes me a little sad.  I've always wanted to donate my eggs to my brother and his fiancee to allow them to have babies.  I had hoped (until stupid cancer) to host their child in my womb, and to give them the greatest gift ever.  Even after having my tubes tied, this was still a possibility.  Even if I couldn't bear another child physically, I still had the option to give them my eggs.  After next week, that hope is gone.  I'm in mourning for something that was only ever a remote possibility.  I feel silly.  I don't want another child (don't get me wrong - I'd love one, but I know we made the right choice for our family.)  But, I wanted to be able to help Jim and Tom experience being parents, and to know all the joy and fear and amazement and wonderment and fun it is to have children.

Not only that, but since I was having such a hard time with my 35th birthday (I don't know why....please don't ask), I feel like this is just another blow, telling me I'm not young anymore.  "Listen, lady, you're 35.  Your 30s have sucked thus far, and we (your reproductive organs) have decided to make life suck a little more.  Welcome to middle age."  I think, fundamentally, my problem (or part of it) lies with the fact that despite being 35, married with two kids, etc., I still feel like I'm a 16 year old kid, play-acting at being an adult.  And, having all of that potential being taken away from me?  Sucks.

I'm happy to have the surgery.  The constant pain lately is awful.  I can't get comfortable.  I have some relief, but the pain is always there in the small of my back, a constant reminder.  I have a new respect for people who suffer from chronic pain.  Until you go through that, I don't think you can possibly understand the level of exhaustion (mentally and physically) that comes with it.  I am tired *all the time*.  I have to watch my level of pain to make sure it doesn't get ahead of me, esp since I'm trying not to take too much medicine.  It's a fine line I'm walking right now.  Last night, I pushed myself to go trick-or-treating with the kids.  I don't regret it at all, but I'll pay today.  Guess it's a good thing my surgery is next week.

That's my pity party for next week.  When push comes to shove, I need to have this done to maintain a quality of life.  I'm glad that they were able to get me in, and I'm glad that I'll have time to recover.  I'm sad that this will put be on the DL for the holidays, but I'm hopeful that I can recover in time to help with T'giving dinner, decorating the C'mas tree, etc.  Black Friday shopping appears to be out of the question :(, so I'll be online shopping (assuming I win the lotto).  I'm glad my kids don't count gifts.  :)

Off I go to continue trying to get things pulled together.  The kids had a blast last night, and they are still sleeping.  I'm not worried - I want them to rest up.  We had two families join us for trick-or-treating (so much fun!) and our new neighborhood is awesome!  Finally got to meet some of our neighbors....thinking it's time to break out the cookie molds and get some neighbor-ly crafts/baskets started!  Enjoy your first day of November - Christmas music starts soon!  *Favorite time of year!!!!*

Comments:

Whidbey Woman said...

Michelle, As always, I appreciate your honesty and candidness. Thank you for sharing what is in your heart. You are strong. You will work through this. Livestrong.

November 2, 2011 at 7:42 PM

OCTOBER 26, 2011

Planning Ahead

Sometimes, I think planning your life around a medical procedure is more difficult than the procedure itself.  These past couple of weeks have been hell.  Just pure hell.  I'm trying to get things around for when I'm immobile and unconscious, and it's crazy.  Chaos.  Work is swamped, and that's without trying to get things prepped for me being out for two months.  I know - things will go on without me.  But, I'd like to make an effort to make sure things are as done ass possible.  Same thing with the house.  Luckily, my folks will be here the week of the surgery to help, and Levi will be here the week after (he's off the entire week - yah!).  And, I have an amazing army of friends that are offering to help me pull together meals and make sure our freezer is stocked up, which will help enormously.  Meantime, I'm trying to stay sane.  :)

And, with that, I'm back off to work on getting caught up.  Ha ha.

Comments:

Caroline said...

Good luck with your hysterectomy. When I had mine, I spent 4 nights in the hospital - an extra day because I got a UTI. When I got home I was tired and pain was under control. The biggest issue was that I could only go down stairs once in the AM and then back up in the evening - when my husband was there - for the first week. This is very important. You need to heal - too much strain while healing can result in adhesions which are nasty in themselves. Also no carrying anything - including small children, groceries, etc for a long time. If you want to ask more questions, feel free to ask away.

October 26, 2011 at 1:38 PM

OCTOBER 14, 2011

Surgery is Scheduled

My hysterectomy is scheduled for November 8th.  I have a pre-op appointment with my GYN next week, and I have a list of questions to ask him.  I'll know more after that meeting, but I'm hopeful and anxious - just get it done NOW.

Today or tomorrow is the day my pain will get really bad again - I'm aware of it, popping Advil, and waiting.  I can feel it building, so I'm not happy about that.  But, knowing this is the last month I'll have to work through this pain makes it a little easier.  Or, that's what I keep telling myself.  :)

I found a great website this morning that really helped me feel like I wasn't losing my mind.  There were some very specific things that struck me, and made me wish that I had found this site months ago.

My symptoms have been pretty consistent - low-level mind cramping pretty consistently throughout the month, severe pain when I ovulate, and (the latest one) consistent lower back pain.  Below is what I found on this website.  I know the web is not exactly the most reliable place for information, but seeing what I'm going through described there made me feel like I wasn't crazy.  And, I found another website (hystersisters.com) that's a great place to talk with other women.  Just like when I was going through chemo, it's uber-important to have others to talk with, for your own mental health.

*******************

Lower Back Pain

Lower back pain is another common but poorly recognized symptom that often accompanies period pain. It is commonly associated with endometriosis in the pouch of Douglas, uterosacral ligaments, and rectovaginal septum.

Ovulation Pain

Ovulation pain can occur in women who do not have Endometriosis, but this pain will normally be a small twinge. In women with Endometriosis, ovulation pain can be rather acute. Pain usually begins 12-24 hours before ovulation and may last for a few days. It results from the normal enlargement of the ovary during ovulation which causes stretching of endometrial implants and adhesions lying on the surface of the ovary. The pain is often described as ‘stabbing’ and it may radiate throughout the pelvic area and into the buttocks and thighs.

Comments:

Whidbey Woman said...

Thinking of you.

October 16, 2011 at 1:31 PM

 I'm Nic. said...

Best of luck!

October 17, 2011 at 11:31 AM

SEPTEMBER 30, 2011

When a song sticks with you...

You know that feeling of amazement when the right song comes on the radio at the right time?  That happened to me today.

History lesson:  When I was going through chemo, this song was a big hit on the radio.  It came to be my anthem and helped me through *so much*.  I bought the CD and played this song all the time.  It was on the radio when I needed it most.  It seemed to define what I was going through, and was a reminder to keep plugging away.

Today, I had an appointment with the oncologist.  It was just a bi-annual check-up, and really just a recap of what I already knew.  I'm cancer free.  *happy dance*  He said that with everything looking as good as it does, there's no reason to continue with the PET scans, so unless the routine blood work starts to show an issue (he put me back on a 3-month regimen to monitor my slightly elevated CEA level), I don't have to have any more radiation.  :)

I am so happy!

On my way home, this song came on.  I remember sitting in my car, blaring this song then as a way to keep my spirits up and my emotions in check as I was dealing with the side effects, the uncertainty, the emotions.  Today, my windows were down, my radio was blasting, and I had tears streaming down my face.  Why?  Because I'm still fighting.  I went through hell, I'll go through it again, and I'll keep fighting.  I'll keep going through hell, and I'll try to get out before the devil knows I'm there.

Fuck you, cancer.  This chick wins.  You suck.  That is all.

Comments:

Whidbey Woman said...

:) I'm smilin', girl! I love that song, too. I don't consider myself a country music fan, but there are some songs that just say it all. This is one of them.

October 1, 2011 at 9:14 AM

 keira said...

Some songs just stay in our mind and it never goes. That fills our day with peace and pleasure. This is one such kind of a song.

Regards
breast cancer center

October 6, 2011 at 10:53 AM

SEPTEMBER 29, 2011

Another Surgery....

I don't remember how much I've posted about the pain I've been experiencing, so my apologies if this is duplication.  I'm too lazy right now to go back and look.  :)  I will say that if you don't want to hear about woman-ly issues, please stop reading....now.  Otherwise, know that I'm posting this b/c a) I think it's important information to consider if you are going through a cancer surgery and treatment, and b) b/c I consider this a living history of my journey, and I want it to be truthful and honest.  

History: since I started getting my period, it's been pretty irregular.  Until chemo was complete.  Now, you can set a freaking clock by it.  The typical signs and symptoms of a menstrual cycle are really evident, too.  I don't know if that's from the consistency of it, from the fact that I'm more in-tune with my body, or a little bit of both.  And with what I've been through, I've learned to listen to my body - when something doesn't feel right, I know to do something about it.  

In June, I started having pains when I was ovulating - I usually feel when that happens (a certain percentage of  women feel this happening - others do not).  It feels like a single sharp pain on either side, and usually goes away after a few minutes.  Over the past couple of months, though, that single pain has been getting progressively longer and significantly worse.  This pain absolutely accompanies ovulation, since I can still feel the egg popping out.  However, the pain that follows is almost unbearable.  It starts out as a mild cramping in my lower pelvis (like menstrual cramping), then progresses into about a 4-hour cycle of completely incapacitating pain in the same area (and always on the right side, and now radiating around to my back), alternating between an ache (topping out at about a 5-6 on a pain level scale of 1-10) and sharp shooting pains (8 or 9 on the 10-pain scale).  It literally takes me down, and I can't do anything but focus on the pain for hours on end.  It's awful.  Once the cycle subsides, it becomes an ache at about a 3-4, and the sharp shooting pain of about 6-7.  It's not much better, but I can function.  This lower-level cycle lasts for about two more days, then starts to back off for good after about another 2 days.  It's physically and mentally exhausting, and leaves me completely worn out.  

Last month, when this happened, I was at work and almost went to the ER.  I was concerned that this might be ovarian cancer.  Okay - I was more than concerned.  The symptoms were pretty conclusive.  But, since I had just had my  PET scan and bloodwork, and the month before the gynecologist had performed an external and transvaginal ultrasound, I knew going to the ER would only subject me to more duplicative tests.  I called my primary care physician and he agreed that the ER probably wasn't a good place for me to go - they would likely do the same tests, pump me full of drugs and tell me to go see my doctor.  Hmmm.  Luckily, Dr. Thompson agreed that something was wrong, and sent me off for a contrast CT.  Ick.  Once that came back clear, I knew it wasn't cancer.  So, what the hell is it?

I went into my gyno this week for a routine annual exam, and peppered him with questions.  Based on what he knows, the tests that were run, and my history of abdominal surgeries (2 C-Sections, gall bladder surgery, and colon resection), plus the fact that my body makes an excessive amount of scar tissue led him to believe that the scar tissue is what's causing me the issue.  Basically, it sounds like the scar tissue may have fused my right ovary to another organ(s), and when I ovulate, that causes me to be in extreme pain.  

When my gyno did my exam, he could actually feel the scar tissue from the outside.  Holy cow - that explains it!  I had discomfort and pain where I've never had that before in a previous exam, and those all led the dr to one conclusion.  

My gyno agreed that I can't live my life like this (one week out of each month, I'm completely incapacitated because of this pain, and another week, b/c of my period), and said that he wants to do a hysterectomy.  Never before have I been so excited to have surgery.  He's going to try to remove my uterus and right ovary via laproscopic surgery, but if that doesn't work, he'll go in through an incision in my abdomen (where my C-Section scars are).  He's going to bring in a general surgeon as well as my GI dr to be in the room when he performs the surgery.  If the scar tissue has fused itself to my intestines, they are going to have to take more of my colon.  Good times.  And, they won't know just how bad it is until they get in there, so he's going to go in with all cylinders firing, rather than making me go through this more than once.  I like that.  

If he can do the surgery through the four small incisions, the recovery time is pretty minimal - 2-3 weeks.  If he has to go in through the traditional cut, it will be a bit longer (4-6 weeks).  Either way, it will eliminate the issues I'm having, which I like.  I can't keep going through this pain and suffering.  It's to the point that  my back aches ALL THE TIME, and I'm on a constant regimen right now of ibuprofen every 4-6 hours just to stand up straight.  This is all consistent with what I've been going through, and consistent with the signs of built-up endometriosis/scar tissue.  Unfortunately, b/c of this pain, I'm not able to workout.  I can't even stand up for more than 15 or 20 minutes at a time without collapsing in pain.  SO not cool.  

Needless to say, they can't do the surgery soon enough.  I'll keep you updated on timing, etc., but at this point, it looks like it's a few weeks away.  

More surgery.  My poor husband should have gotten a return receipt.  Hell - I feel like *I* should have gotten a return receipt.  Can you exchange your body?  Probably not.  So, instead, I'm going to take this as a good thing that I listened to my body, and I'm going to continue to eat better, work out (once I'm physically able to), and remember that this is the only one I've got.  Good lessons, whether you're in pain or not.  :)  

Comments:

Caroline said...

Do you have adhesions? Or something else? They can be horrible. Anyway, I had a traditional hysterectomy five years ago. While it took a while to get back on my feet, I am much better for it. Go to www.hystersisters.org for help and support with a hysterectomy. Its a great message board. Good luck to you! (and no more menstrual pain!

September 29, 2011 at 4:59 PM

 chaoticfamily said...

I have been having a horrible time with my cycles and a hysterectomy is in the talks with my Dr. I wish you success.

September 29, 2011 at 11:12 PM

 Carol Pack Urban said...

I understand the need for the surgery. I wish my surgical oncologist had agreed to a hysterectomy during my last procedure but he did not. Since chemo my periods have been very irregular. I have always had pain during ovulation. Some as bad as you describe. If it continues I plan to get my gyn to do a hysterectomy.

September 30, 2011 at 4:11 PM

SEPTEMBER 25, 2011

Clear Colon!

I never, ever expected to hear that my colonoscopy came back clear on Friday.  And yet, in spite of me continuing to ask my father to reassure me, he insists that the news was that my colon is clean and clear.  And, I don't have to go back in for TWO WHOLE YEARS!

Absolutely amazing.  Beyond excited.

I wonder what will happen when I see the oncologist on Friday - will they let me go to a year between PET scans?  Only time will tell.  :)

Comments:

I'm Nic. said...

Clear colon = best 2 words smashed together ever! Big Congrats!!!

September 28, 2011 at 11:11 AM

SEPTEMBER 22, 2011

Colonoscopy Diet Today

Today's post is brought to you by my diet....chicken broth, water, popsicles, gummy bears, iced tea, soda, and my Osmo-Prep tablets later today.  :)

The last couple of weeks have been very tiring.  I've been poked and prodded and radiated a lot in the last couple of weeks.  I can't remember if I told y'all what's been going on - I've been having a pretty consistent, persistent pain in my lower pelvic region.  I've seen my OB/GYN - one external and transvaginal ultrasound later, nothing showed up other than that my ovary is a little bigger than expected and had a LOT of follicles on it.  My PET scan came back clear, my blood work is showing CA-125 levels of 3.5 (really great levels), and the contrast CT scan (with the nasty berry-flavored barium) was clear.  Still no idea what's causing the pain - I have a follow-up with my GYN next week, and if he doesn't have any ideas, I'm going to follow-up with my PCP to see if he has any ideas.

And, my colonoscopy is tomorrow - even though my scans came back clear, I'm interested to see if she finds any polyps.  I hope not, but I'm fully expecting them.  Par for the course, you know.

It's been a REALLY long week, otherwise.  I was traveling in Tucson Monday through Wednesday for work.  I didn't sleep well, especially with the news that my health insurance at work is changing significantly next year. But, it's something we/I are going to have to deal with.

I'm sitting here, enjoying my chicken broth (I needed something non-sweet) and looking forward to my lunch of more gummy bears, some soda (first time I've had some in a while), and my 20 pills for dinner.  :)

Good times.  Thanks, cancer.

Comments:

Caroline said...

I always feel a tiny bit thinner after the colonoscopy diet... I hope it goes well.

September 23, 2011 at 2:08 AM

SEPTEMBER 12, 2011

10 Years Later...

I started this post last week, and didn't have the emotional strength to finish it.  I'll attempt to do that now.
****************************
 I can't believe it's been 10 years.  It's so hard to imagine, when the memories in my mind are so fresh, so real, so vivid.

I remember a few "big event" things in my life very vividly - one of them is the day the Challenger space shuttle blew up.  I was in elementary school (2nd or 3rd grade, I think), and we were all taken into the cafeteria, where they had the televisions set up to allow us to watch the takeoff.  I also remember where I was when I learned when Princess Diana was in a car crash.  I remember where I was when I was watching OJ Simpson lead the LA police in a slow car chase.  With the exception of the Challenger, most of the things I remember are small.  Inconsequential.  Meaningless, really, in the scope of reality.

Like so many, I will NEVER forget where I was when I learned about the awful attacks on America on September 11th.  At the time, Levi and I were living together in my grandparents house in my hometown of Syracuse, NY (upstate, about 4 hours northwest of NYC).  We had spent the summer working with my family to renovate the house - we were so proud to keep that house in the family, and to keep traditions alive.  I was working as an administrative assistant for a construction company.  The jobs were just getting started, so there was a lot of paperwork and busy work to take care of.  Our offices were located in an older school building that was now being used to house the bus garage.  Our office was in a converted kindergarten classroom, completely with small benches, tiny toilets, and pint-sized cubby-holes.  It was very, um, unique.  :)

On that fateful morning, I remember getting an email from my friend, Kevin.  He had sent it out to a group of us, telling us he thought a plane just hit the WTC.  I deleted it, and I remember thinking that there's no way Air Traffic Control would ever let that happen - being a former flight attendant who used to fly in and out of NYC all the time, I was sure that this was false information.  NYC would never allow something like that to happen.  I deleted the email, dismissed it, and went on with my day.

A few minutes later, I headed to the restroom (regular people sized...) and passed the bus garage.  The mechanics were all huddled around the small tv they had for background noise.  I walked in and asked them what was up - just in time to see the other plane hit the other tower.  Oh my God.  I was frozen.  Completely shocked.

I don't think I ever made it to the restroom that morning.  I walked back to our office, told my bosses that they needed to get in here, now, and walked back to the garage.  There were a total of about 10 of us huddled around this teeny television, trying to learn as much as we could.  More information came in about a potential attack on the Pentagon, and a missing plane that may have crashed into a field in PA.  Living in upstate NY at the time, that was WAY too close to home.  I was terrified.  We all were.

I remember trying to call my parents, Levi, my brothers.  None of the phones would work.  The phone lines were completely jammed, no doubt by others doing the very same thing.  When I finally made it through to my parents, I was in tears.  I just needed to hear their voices.  I made sure my brothers were ok, and I finally got in touch with Levi.  Mark (my boss) and I tried to go about our day, but we were both glued to our computers.  CNN.com was timing out - if one of us made it through the refresh process, we kept the other updated.  We had the radio on, but none of the stations played music.  All stations focused on the events at hand, speculating who.  What.  Where.  When. WHY?

After a few hours, I drove home.  Sitting in the office was futile.  I needed to be with my family.  I needed to hug them, see for myself that they were okay.  As I was on my way home, I listened to more accounts of the stories, more speculation, more attempts to answer the questions we all had.

I don't remember many specifics beyond that.  The next few hours were a blur of tears, fears, watching the tv, and trying to digest the fact that America had just been attacked.  Living on the East Coast, there was a constant fear (for months) that any plane off track had been hijacked.  Being a New Yorker, I felt personally violated.  Every day, you heard stories about people who lost loved ones.  People who were feverishly searching for a missing brother, sister, mother, husband, child.  You saw people breaking down in the middle of stores, overcome with emotion.  For months, fear and pride dominated our lives.

For me, the most potent moments came after 9/11.  My brother had just graduated from high school that summer.  One of his good friends had just left for NYU.  She was at park-type area in between the Trade Centers on 9/11.  As the first plane hit, a man pushed her out of the way of falling debris.  She escaped with no injuries.  That man became a parapalegic.  Every few days, I learned that a friend lost a cousin, or someone lost a brother, or someone was headed down to NYC to look for a person.  It was heart-wrenching.

The big thing for Levi and I?  Well, two things.  First - a year earlier, Levi had been working in NYC every week.  He drove down to Jersey on Sunday night, shacked up in a hotel, and took the subway and train into the city every night for their work.  In the morning, as they waited for the train to get there, they had breakfast in a cafe in the below-ground area of the Trade buildings.  Had he not been laid off several months earlier, he would have been IN the trade center buildings when the planes hit.  Talk about a life-changing event.  Thank goodness for the Verizon strike in 2000.  We later found out that two of his former co-workers lost their lives that day.  Levi still has guilt - he feels like he should have been there to help his friends.  He feels like he could have helped save some lives, had he been there.  While I appreciate his thoughts, I'm *so grateful* he wasn't there.

The second big thing for Levi and I?  11 days after 9/11 (one year to the day after my grandfather passed away), I found out I was pregnant.  My first reaction was that I didn't want to bring a child into this violent world.  I was terrified - even 11 days after the event, there was still this very real fear of when the next attack would be.  There was a very heightened sense of anything out of the ordinary,  And, we were going to bring a child into that environment?  I was petrified.

Obviously, things progressed, we made peace with what happened in our lives, and my pregnancy (and our hurried nuptials) started to take center stage.  For us, it became a beacon of hope in a time where there was very little hope to be had.

We got up early yesterday to watch the ceremonies in NYC, and to participate in the moments of silence.  There were many tears shed in our house yesterday morning; it's hard to watch the children call out their parents' names, hard to watch a parents call out their child's name.  Hard to listen to the world go silent when we remember the first plane hit, the second plane hit.  It's been so hard to watch the recaps and the replays of the new coverage.  I often noticed that my heart was racing while watching these shows...it's as if it was happening all over again.  I know it was ten years ago, and I have ten years of life experiences to separate me from the events of that morning.  And yet, it truly was like I was living it all over again, for the first time.  That sense of fear, and horror, and shock, and overall dread.

We chose to spend the day with our family yesterday, and just enjoy what time we have together.  We attended the unveiling of a memorial in the City of Surprise yesterday morning - it was short and sweet, and at the end, as the bagpipers played "Amazing Grace," they pulled the veil off a glass case enclosing a piece of the towers in NYC.  Etched on the glass enclosure are the names of the heroes from the NYPD, NYFD, and Port Authority that lost their lives that day.  It's a beautiful memorial, simple and honest.

This memorial was hard on the kids - Kevin couldn't understand what was going on.  For that, I'm grateful.  5 years old isn't close to being old enough to understand the magnitude of what happened that day.  Hell, I don't know if 25 (the age I was 10 years ago) is old enough.  Quite frankly, I'm not sure 35 is any better, to be honest.

Julia spent a lot of time watching the coverage and asking a lot of questions.  They've covered 9/11 in school in the past, but it was very casual and a very high level overview.  I wasn't sure how I was going to handle Julia's questions this year.  I took my cues from here - I answered questions she asked, I let her turn the channel when she wanted, but I also let her watch what she wanted.  We talked about where we all were on that day, and I told her that I found out a few days later that I was pregnant with her.  She had questions, and one of the most poignant was whether she brought up bad memories because I found out so soon after 9/11 that I was having her.  It was a really amazing parenting moment to be able to tell her truthfully that being pregnant gave me hope when I was having trouble finding any.  Her pregnancy gave us something positive and wonderful to look forward to - that's what I told her, and that's what I felt.  Her smile was worth every tear yesterday morning.

I know people here in the Southwest didn't feel the effects of 9/11 the same way East Coasters did, and that's okay.  The sense of family with other East Coasters when talking about 9/11 is a feeling unlike any other - it's a group none of us want to be part of, but each of us are fiercely proud of.  (Kind of like cancer, now that I think of it...)

And with that, I vow to try to live my life in a manner that will make the heroes of that day and the days since proud of me, proud of America, and proud of what they sacrificed that day.  To the heroes in the world (including FD, PD, first responders, veterans, active military current and future, and the families of all those amazing people), thank you for all that you do.  I hope I make you proud.