I had a
wonderful dinner with my Natty last night - Natty was one of Kim's best
friends, and someone I have had the amazing blessing to get to know over the
past year. We met up to catch up, and it was (as always, when meeting
with "the girls") amazing. I am so grateful to have them all in
my life, and to have shared such an intimate thing with them. They have
become so important to me (Randi, Erin, Natty), and I depend on them for my
sanity more than I think they know.
Among many other things, Natty and I talked about Kim last night. We talked about how difficult this time of year is for us, for a variety of reasons. We are both still coming to grips with the fact that Kim is gone - realistically, we understand it. But, looking back at where we are this year as compared to last year (when Kim was on a downhill slide), it's hard to think about and accept. For Natty, she has personal things she's trying to reconcile right now, and that's compounding her emotions. For me, it's my own issues dealing with the anxiety of my upcoming scans, being worried about those, knowing what Kim went through, wondering if I'm headed down the same path, what I'll do if that happens, etc. It's just a lot to think about, and it's honestly exhausting. I don't mind at all - these are converstaions I have to have with myself and I have to be (optimistically) realistic about, as it's a distinct possibility.
However, I refuse to stop living my life for fear of what might happen. Natty and I talked about this last night, about how Kim dealt with the same things. Kim and I had some conversations around these very things (which she apparently didn't have with others, so that's a special gift she and I had), and looking back on these conversations have helped me handle my emotions.
Dinner last night was, in a word, amazing. I think Natty and I, while coming from very different backgrounds and situations, tend to think about things in a similar manner, and that helped us bond last night about the many things we discussed. I missed the other girls, and I'm hoping to meet up with them soon. Maybe next week for my birthday? Who knows.
I told Natty that I'm going to visit Kim this weekend. I haven't been to the gravesite since the celebration of her birthday after the carwash in September. I haven't seen the headstone since it was installed. I want to see that, touch it, feel the warmth. I need to do this alone. I think I need to be there, talk with her, mourn her. I have been thinking a lot about Kim lately, and I need to have a chance to let out the emotions that are building. I think more about Kim more when I'm facing my tests - I think it's inevitable.
*sigh* So much to think about.
Among many other things, Natty and I talked about Kim last night. We talked about how difficult this time of year is for us, for a variety of reasons. We are both still coming to grips with the fact that Kim is gone - realistically, we understand it. But, looking back at where we are this year as compared to last year (when Kim was on a downhill slide), it's hard to think about and accept. For Natty, she has personal things she's trying to reconcile right now, and that's compounding her emotions. For me, it's my own issues dealing with the anxiety of my upcoming scans, being worried about those, knowing what Kim went through, wondering if I'm headed down the same path, what I'll do if that happens, etc. It's just a lot to think about, and it's honestly exhausting. I don't mind at all - these are converstaions I have to have with myself and I have to be (optimistically) realistic about, as it's a distinct possibility.
However, I refuse to stop living my life for fear of what might happen. Natty and I talked about this last night, about how Kim dealt with the same things. Kim and I had some conversations around these very things (which she apparently didn't have with others, so that's a special gift she and I had), and looking back on these conversations have helped me handle my emotions.
Dinner last night was, in a word, amazing. I think Natty and I, while coming from very different backgrounds and situations, tend to think about things in a similar manner, and that helped us bond last night about the many things we discussed. I missed the other girls, and I'm hoping to meet up with them soon. Maybe next week for my birthday? Who knows.
I told Natty that I'm going to visit Kim this weekend. I haven't been to the gravesite since the celebration of her birthday after the carwash in September. I haven't seen the headstone since it was installed. I want to see that, touch it, feel the warmth. I need to do this alone. I think I need to be there, talk with her, mourn her. I have been thinking a lot about Kim lately, and I need to have a chance to let out the emotions that are building. I think more about Kim more when I'm facing my tests - I think it's inevitable.
*sigh* So much to think about.
Comments:
Tina said...
I
was only involved with Kim from her blog, and through your's (which is
wonderful by the way). It hit me hard when she died, and I am thankful that you
shared your experiences with us. And I'm thankful that you still are sharings
these emotions. I'm proud of you for the way you meet these feelings head on
and deal with them. You don't run and hide from them and pretend they don't
exist (although I'm sure there are times you'd like to!).
Hang in there-I'll be praying for continued NED!
Love,
Tina
Hang in there-I'll be praying for continued NED!
Love,
Tina
June
17, 2010 at 12:44 PM
Thinking
of yo uthis weekend and hope that you are feeling some peace.
(((hugs)))
Jill
(((hugs)))
Jill
June
20, 2010 at 11:32 AM
Later:
Testing blog posting through my phone. Have I gone high tech?
We will find out.
Comments:
Michelle said...
Good
Lord, it worked! My goodness, before you know it, I'll be in the 21st
century!!!
June
17, 2010 at 3:34 PM
No comments:
Post a Comment