I haven't
posted in a while.
Some of it is because I don't want to celebrate my remission while others are fighting their battles (both new and continued). It seems wrong. There's guilt involved, and while that isn't the way to think, I'm just being honest.
Some of the time, I don't post because I have so many thing going through my head that I can't keep them straight. There are only so many hours in the day, and trying to keep up with things takes a toll. There are times when trying to come to terms with cancer that will do that to you, too.
Part of it is what they affectionately call scan-xiety, or fear of your upcoming scans. My colonoscopy is scheduled for June 26th (on a Saturday - how cool is that?!?!). My PET scan won't be too far behind. Regardless of the clear scans in January, I will continue to worry about a recurrence, until I'm reassured in July by my oncologist. And then, until my next scans.
Lately, I've felt like my time is limited. Not in a "I'll die someday" sort of way, but in a "my time is bound to be shorter than others" type of way. I'm hoping that it's my brain dealing with the seemingly consistent reminder lately (for me) of how many people are taken from us due to this disease, and not an inherent "get used to thinking this way" sort of mentality, if that makes sense. I guess I'm hoping that this isn't my mind's way of telling me what's coming. Part of the scanxiety - I hope so.
Anywhoo, on that note, in the (hopefully) far off timeframe that I have to look at planning my last days on earth, I want to do what this kid did. I want to have a big ole' party, complete with balloons and lots of fun activities. I want a no-cry zone. I want a party that no one will ever forget, that everyone will want to attend, and that I can be the star of. I want my family there. I want friends there. I want people I haven't seen in years to surprise me. I want people I've never met face to face there (a celebrity or two wouldn't be unwelcome....), to enjoy this party with me. Basically, I want a celebration of life - not just mine, but everyone's.
Would you come to my party?
Some of it is because I don't want to celebrate my remission while others are fighting their battles (both new and continued). It seems wrong. There's guilt involved, and while that isn't the way to think, I'm just being honest.
Some of the time, I don't post because I have so many thing going through my head that I can't keep them straight. There are only so many hours in the day, and trying to keep up with things takes a toll. There are times when trying to come to terms with cancer that will do that to you, too.
Part of it is what they affectionately call scan-xiety, or fear of your upcoming scans. My colonoscopy is scheduled for June 26th (on a Saturday - how cool is that?!?!). My PET scan won't be too far behind. Regardless of the clear scans in January, I will continue to worry about a recurrence, until I'm reassured in July by my oncologist. And then, until my next scans.
Lately, I've felt like my time is limited. Not in a "I'll die someday" sort of way, but in a "my time is bound to be shorter than others" type of way. I'm hoping that it's my brain dealing with the seemingly consistent reminder lately (for me) of how many people are taken from us due to this disease, and not an inherent "get used to thinking this way" sort of mentality, if that makes sense. I guess I'm hoping that this isn't my mind's way of telling me what's coming. Part of the scanxiety - I hope so.
Anywhoo, on that note, in the (hopefully) far off timeframe that I have to look at planning my last days on earth, I want to do what this kid did. I want to have a big ole' party, complete with balloons and lots of fun activities. I want a no-cry zone. I want a party that no one will ever forget, that everyone will want to attend, and that I can be the star of. I want my family there. I want friends there. I want people I haven't seen in years to surprise me. I want people I've never met face to face there (a celebrity or two wouldn't be unwelcome....), to enjoy this party with me. Basically, I want a celebration of life - not just mine, but everyone's.
Would you come to my party?
Comments:
change-is-possible.net said...
I
will totally come to your party - but only if you come to mine ;)
But if you come to mine, you're going to have to live for a long time, because I'm living to be 97.
Funny - Tom mentioned to me that the boy died within a minute of me opening your blog post (he knew about the party and was updating me).
But if you come to mine, you're going to have to live for a long time, because I'm living to be 97.
Funny - Tom mentioned to me that the boy died within a minute of me opening your blog post (he knew about the party and was updating me).
June
9, 2010 at 5:46 PM
Oh,
Scanaxiety. It's going to be a long month.... Good luck, Michelle. Thanks for
sharing that link. That kid had a good attitude.
June
9, 2010 at 7:46 PM
jnwhiteh said...
Nothing
could keep me away.
June
10, 2010 at 2:53 AM
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