As I sit
here, I'm listening to my favorite sound in the world - my children's laughter.
It's an amazing sound that people often take for granted - it might bring
a smile to their face, but do they really appreciate it?
By this time tomorrow night, I'll have my port in. I'll be tired, and sore, and likely emotional. By this time on Tuesday, I'll be connected to my chemo pump.
I don't think I've quite come to terms with that. I mean, I get it. I know what's coming. I understand what's happening, and I do get it. But, I think I might be in denial or something. Or, just ignoring it.
This weekend has been a mixed bag of emotions. I still haven't had my expected breakdown. I'm wondering if that won't happen. Maybe on Tuesday when I'm in chemo, or when I'm home, lugging that stupid pump around. I should probably name it. Note to self - ask Julia for help with that. Heck - she's helping me decorate it with a slipcover...why not name it?
Part of the emotions I'm feeling have to do with the outpouring of support I've been getting. I almost feel like an imposter - I don't feel sick. I'm not ill, and I don't have anything (visibly) wrong with me right now. For all intents and purposes, I'm exactly the same person I was a week ago. The difference is that now, I KNOW I have cancer again. I feel like, b/c I'm not sick, I shouldn't be on the receiving end of such generosity. And yet, at the same time, I'm aware that, in a matter of hours, that will change. Crazy.
I know this is a very rambling post. Forgive me - my brain is on overload. In the past couple of days, my friends created a logo to start this battle theme, set up a giving account (which is already over $600!), and set up an account to allow people to help us with meals. I've seen my friend count on facebook grow by more than a dozen, reconnected with a ton of people from my past, and had support come my way from literally all around the world. I'm still in shock.
Tomorrow will be a rough day. I know it will be. My hope is that I make it through with little pain, a matching scar on my left side (so they don't mess up my tattoo on the right), and no side effects. :) Wishful thinking? Maybe. Why not?
I'll try to update tomorrow sometime. Please know that the support you all have given me is more than I could have ever imagined. A girl from Syracuse, NY just doesn't deserve the kind of family and friends I have. I can only hope that I would be the same kind of friend, were the situation reversed.
By this time tomorrow night, I'll have my port in. I'll be tired, and sore, and likely emotional. By this time on Tuesday, I'll be connected to my chemo pump.
I don't think I've quite come to terms with that. I mean, I get it. I know what's coming. I understand what's happening, and I do get it. But, I think I might be in denial or something. Or, just ignoring it.
This weekend has been a mixed bag of emotions. I still haven't had my expected breakdown. I'm wondering if that won't happen. Maybe on Tuesday when I'm in chemo, or when I'm home, lugging that stupid pump around. I should probably name it. Note to self - ask Julia for help with that. Heck - she's helping me decorate it with a slipcover...why not name it?
Part of the emotions I'm feeling have to do with the outpouring of support I've been getting. I almost feel like an imposter - I don't feel sick. I'm not ill, and I don't have anything (visibly) wrong with me right now. For all intents and purposes, I'm exactly the same person I was a week ago. The difference is that now, I KNOW I have cancer again. I feel like, b/c I'm not sick, I shouldn't be on the receiving end of such generosity. And yet, at the same time, I'm aware that, in a matter of hours, that will change. Crazy.
I know this is a very rambling post. Forgive me - my brain is on overload. In the past couple of days, my friends created a logo to start this battle theme, set up a giving account (which is already over $600!), and set up an account to allow people to help us with meals. I've seen my friend count on facebook grow by more than a dozen, reconnected with a ton of people from my past, and had support come my way from literally all around the world. I'm still in shock.
Tomorrow will be a rough day. I know it will be. My hope is that I make it through with little pain, a matching scar on my left side (so they don't mess up my tattoo on the right), and no side effects. :) Wishful thinking? Maybe. Why not?
I'll try to update tomorrow sometime. Please know that the support you all have given me is more than I could have ever imagined. A girl from Syracuse, NY just doesn't deserve the kind of family and friends I have. I can only hope that I would be the same kind of friend, were the situation reversed.
Comments:
Sharon
R. said...
Cracking
up at the slipcover comment. Tell Jules to pick an awesome name! I can't wait
to hear that :)
I had no idea they were going in on the other side. Makes sense...
What time do you go in? We'll be praying everything gets off to a good start.
Love you...
I had no idea they were going in on the other side. Makes sense...
What time do you go in? We'll be praying everything gets off to a good start.
Love you...
March
25, 2012 at 8:08 PM
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