Well,
after sleeping pretty much the entire day away yesterday and another good
night's sleep last night, it appears that I'm returning to the world of the living
today. I woke up on my own this morning (well, after only hitting the
snooze button twice), and was able to get the kids breakfast, get them ready
for school, and drive them to school. This is good news!
My kids didn't do too well yesterday at school. Well, Jules appeared to be okay with it, but Kevin is really struggling with seeing me sick. I got a call from his teacher yesterday, and he had a rough day at school. When he got home, I asked him what was going on. He said he was worried about me being sick.
As a Mom, how do you handle it when your almost-6 year old is worried about you?
Heartbreaking.
He seemed to be doing better this morning, and I'm hopeful that a return to a more normal routine this morning will help. It's so hard, knowing that I'm the reason he's struggling. I wanted to try to keep life as normal as possible for the kids, and it doesn't appear that I'm doing a very good job of it. I know there isn't much I can do, given the circumstances, but it's still hard to deal with.
Anyways, I'm feeling better today. A little light-headed (probably from the Avastin), so I'll be tracking my blood pressure the next couple of days, as that can spike due to the Avastin. Stupid chemo. Just took it - 100/68. Interesting. That's not high at all. :)
I will say that my mental state is better this morning. Yesterday, I had thoughts of "Why do *I* have to go through this" and "Is it worth it?". Those thoughts scare me. I don't like them, and they aren't me. But, I feel like they are inevitable, and normal. I feel like it wouldn't be right if I didn't acknowledge these feelings. There are definitely times when giving up seems like the easier option. What I'm going through is much more difficult than I ever imagined. The first time, I had the blessing of ignorance. This time, I have more knowledge, which is good and bad. Good, b/c I know what's coming. Bad, for much the same reason. There are still a lot of memories that are dredging up based on something that someone says, something that happens, or a feeling I have. I'm hoping that I can deal with them in the best way possible, and move past them.
Right now, I'm back on track mentally to kick this thing in the ass. Yesterday was definitely a bad day - I wasn't in the right state of mind to do much of anything. Having an anti-nausea drug cause more nausea and almost make you sick is awful. But, I'm past it now (fingers crossed), and working towards feeling better in prep for the next round.
God, that sounds so ominous.
I had hoped that I would never have to utter those words again. Next round. I hate that I have to go through this again. I hate that my family and friends have to help me do basic things, like make dinner. But, I'm eternally grateful for their support and help. I would not be able to make it through this without them. There's no doubt in my mind.
All right - babbling done. I'm going to log off and maybe (MAYBE) get a shower. Need to think ahead to lunch. And, Levi comes home tonight, so I'm happy about that. He'll be home for a week (YEAH!), which will be awesome. Hoping I feel better as time wears on.
My kids didn't do too well yesterday at school. Well, Jules appeared to be okay with it, but Kevin is really struggling with seeing me sick. I got a call from his teacher yesterday, and he had a rough day at school. When he got home, I asked him what was going on. He said he was worried about me being sick.
As a Mom, how do you handle it when your almost-6 year old is worried about you?
Heartbreaking.
He seemed to be doing better this morning, and I'm hopeful that a return to a more normal routine this morning will help. It's so hard, knowing that I'm the reason he's struggling. I wanted to try to keep life as normal as possible for the kids, and it doesn't appear that I'm doing a very good job of it. I know there isn't much I can do, given the circumstances, but it's still hard to deal with.
Anyways, I'm feeling better today. A little light-headed (probably from the Avastin), so I'll be tracking my blood pressure the next couple of days, as that can spike due to the Avastin. Stupid chemo. Just took it - 100/68. Interesting. That's not high at all. :)
I will say that my mental state is better this morning. Yesterday, I had thoughts of "Why do *I* have to go through this" and "Is it worth it?". Those thoughts scare me. I don't like them, and they aren't me. But, I feel like they are inevitable, and normal. I feel like it wouldn't be right if I didn't acknowledge these feelings. There are definitely times when giving up seems like the easier option. What I'm going through is much more difficult than I ever imagined. The first time, I had the blessing of ignorance. This time, I have more knowledge, which is good and bad. Good, b/c I know what's coming. Bad, for much the same reason. There are still a lot of memories that are dredging up based on something that someone says, something that happens, or a feeling I have. I'm hoping that I can deal with them in the best way possible, and move past them.
Right now, I'm back on track mentally to kick this thing in the ass. Yesterday was definitely a bad day - I wasn't in the right state of mind to do much of anything. Having an anti-nausea drug cause more nausea and almost make you sick is awful. But, I'm past it now (fingers crossed), and working towards feeling better in prep for the next round.
God, that sounds so ominous.
I had hoped that I would never have to utter those words again. Next round. I hate that I have to go through this again. I hate that my family and friends have to help me do basic things, like make dinner. But, I'm eternally grateful for their support and help. I would not be able to make it through this without them. There's no doubt in my mind.
All right - babbling done. I'm going to log off and maybe (MAYBE) get a shower. Need to think ahead to lunch. And, Levi comes home tonight, so I'm happy about that. He'll be home for a week (YEAH!), which will be awesome. Hoping I feel better as time wears on.
Comments:
Tina said...
You
are so strong, I know you will make it through this. It's good to be honest
though, and acknowledge those feelings. I'm sure it must be very difficult to
see your kids struggle, but they are strong too--they come from good stock!
It's good to know that their teachers are looking out for them too.
Hoping you feel better and stronger each day--and no more nausea!
Hugs!
Hoping you feel better and stronger each day--and no more nausea!
Hugs!
April
20, 2012 at 11:55 AM
Love
you, Michelle. Stay strong.
April
22, 2012 at 8:22 AM
Later:
I want to
take a moment to thank everyone who has already helped us out with meals.
Everything has been delicious, and having those things ready for us has
made me worry less.
I know some of you have signed up for meals next week, and I'm thinking that those dates were meant to be signed up for this week (I hope). If that's the case, please let me know.
I'd like to ask you all to consider bringing meals only on chemo weeks. I don't want to overwhelm anyone, and would like to maintain some semblence of normalcy (at least for now) during off-chemo weeks. Having said that, frozen meals are welcome and will likely be used on off-chemo weeks (especially if I'm feeling lazy). :)
So, the next chemo week starts Tuesday, May 1st. That's going to be a very long day, and I likely won't be home until well after dinner time. Having said that, my folks will be getting the kids from daycare and getting them dinner, baths and ready for bed. If someone is willing to either deliver dinner on Tuesday night (either at my place, or my parents place) or delivery something on Monday night to be reheated on Tuesday, that would be awesome.
If someone was willing/able to help with meals May 2nd - 4th, that would cover the week. Again, frozen meals are totally okay and welcome, as we have freezer space available.
The signup for the meal train is here, I think. Please let me know if that doesn't work.
Hoping this helps; I have had a lot of folks ask how they can help, and this is definitely one way. Until school is out, please only plan for meals that are dairy-free, as Julia can't have dairy during the week. That includes pizza - sorry, and thanks for understanding!
I know some of you have signed up for meals next week, and I'm thinking that those dates were meant to be signed up for this week (I hope). If that's the case, please let me know.
I'd like to ask you all to consider bringing meals only on chemo weeks. I don't want to overwhelm anyone, and would like to maintain some semblence of normalcy (at least for now) during off-chemo weeks. Having said that, frozen meals are welcome and will likely be used on off-chemo weeks (especially if I'm feeling lazy). :)
So, the next chemo week starts Tuesday, May 1st. That's going to be a very long day, and I likely won't be home until well after dinner time. Having said that, my folks will be getting the kids from daycare and getting them dinner, baths and ready for bed. If someone is willing to either deliver dinner on Tuesday night (either at my place, or my parents place) or delivery something on Monday night to be reheated on Tuesday, that would be awesome.
If someone was willing/able to help with meals May 2nd - 4th, that would cover the week. Again, frozen meals are totally okay and welcome, as we have freezer space available.
The signup for the meal train is here, I think. Please let me know if that doesn't work.
Hoping this helps; I have had a lot of folks ask how they can help, and this is definitely one way. Until school is out, please only plan for meals that are dairy-free, as Julia can't have dairy during the week. That includes pizza - sorry, and thanks for understanding!
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