I just
went for my first "workout" since this all started. By workout,
I mean, walking slowly around two blocks. It wasn't much, but for me?
It kicked my ass. My head wants to do more - my head wants to do my
*normal* routine....walking/jogging 2-3 miles, enjoying the trip, blaring
music. This time? I was happy that I made it through three songs on
my phone. :)
I'm going to have to work up to what I want to do, what I used to be able to do. I desperately want to get back to working out 3-4 times a week. I felt so good when I was doing that, and it would be an amazing miracle to get back to "feeling good" again. I've been told that walking will help my back (although it hurts my back when I'm actually walking), especially if my pain is due to arthritis. So, walk I shall. Eventually, I'll be able to do more.
This next paragraphs are going to be fairly descriptive; if you work with me, please please consider NOT reading this. Or, if you do, please don't let me know you've read it. It's fairly embarrassing, may fall well into TMI, and will likely embarrass us both. You've been warned.
**********************************
So, dignity. Here's the deal. When you go through a disease like this, you lose a lot of dignity. There is nothing dignified about having doctors ask you, constantly, about your bowel movements, your urinary routine, your sex life.
Seriously. It's awful. There is nothing classy or wonderful about it.
As an example, Levi and I went away to Sedona, AZ this weekend. It's a gorgeous town about 2 hours north of Phoenix, and is where you'll find the most beautiful, stunning red rock formations in the world. I was worried about traveling that far from home, as there are some days when I can't even drive the kids 3 miles to school without having to stop to use the restroom (thank you, local gas station). I did okay on the trip, most of the way, until Sunday. Sunday, my body was angry. My bowels were so angry that I had to stop and convince a bbq joint in Jerome to let me use the "not for public use" restrooms, and then again, 15 minutes later. This time, there was no town, no restrooms. I used nature. I didn't have a choice.
Again....no dignity. To have to tell your husband that you need to stop at the next pull-off is awful. I'm still angry about it. Angry at the cancer. Grateful that he's willing to do this, and doesn't think any less of me because of it. Embarrassed that I have to admit it, but also understanding that by speaking about it, it might help someone else.
So, yes. I pooped in the woods. There - I said it. Classy, right?
*sigh* I really, really hate this disease.
I can say that I'm still having diarrhea, but it's slowed down. It usually hits around the time I need to drop the kids off at school in the morning (which sucks, but makes me eternally grateful for the gas station up the street), but it's getting better and better. I think Sunday was bad because of what I had eaten all weekend.
So, there you go. No. Dignity.
******************************************
And, there's another part of radiation that they don't tell you about, until you ask. My care team is amazing. They are really good about telling me things I need to watch out for, be concerned about. One thing they didn't tell me about was dryness....down there. Or, the potential of infection.
Yup. I rang the end-of-treatment bell in radiation on Thursday, and was going in for IV hydration daily. On the Saturday after bell-ringing, I was at CTCA for IV hydration, and thought I would talk with someone in the urgent care clinic about some of the symptoms I was having. Well, after two hours and some test results finally coming in, I found out that I had open "burns" on the inside of my vagina, a bacterial infection brewing in there, and a bladder infection.
REALLY?!?!?!
So, I was on two different types of antibiotics (which don't help the diarrhea, by the way...) and a script to help with the pain. Needless to say, I was surprised. It wasn't what I was expecting.
Moral of this story - talk with your docs about any and all issues you are having. You may not know what's causing them, but you'll be happy you mentioned them to your care team.
I think I've given you all way too much information for now, but I think it's important. I have more stuff coming up, but I'll report on it once I have more information. For now, just know that this has definitely been the hardest battle I've gone through, and I'm trying my damndest to pull myself out of this physical slump.
I'm going to have to work up to what I want to do, what I used to be able to do. I desperately want to get back to working out 3-4 times a week. I felt so good when I was doing that, and it would be an amazing miracle to get back to "feeling good" again. I've been told that walking will help my back (although it hurts my back when I'm actually walking), especially if my pain is due to arthritis. So, walk I shall. Eventually, I'll be able to do more.
This next paragraphs are going to be fairly descriptive; if you work with me, please please consider NOT reading this. Or, if you do, please don't let me know you've read it. It's fairly embarrassing, may fall well into TMI, and will likely embarrass us both. You've been warned.
**********************************
So, dignity. Here's the deal. When you go through a disease like this, you lose a lot of dignity. There is nothing dignified about having doctors ask you, constantly, about your bowel movements, your urinary routine, your sex life.
Seriously. It's awful. There is nothing classy or wonderful about it.
As an example, Levi and I went away to Sedona, AZ this weekend. It's a gorgeous town about 2 hours north of Phoenix, and is where you'll find the most beautiful, stunning red rock formations in the world. I was worried about traveling that far from home, as there are some days when I can't even drive the kids 3 miles to school without having to stop to use the restroom (thank you, local gas station). I did okay on the trip, most of the way, until Sunday. Sunday, my body was angry. My bowels were so angry that I had to stop and convince a bbq joint in Jerome to let me use the "not for public use" restrooms, and then again, 15 minutes later. This time, there was no town, no restrooms. I used nature. I didn't have a choice.
Again....no dignity. To have to tell your husband that you need to stop at the next pull-off is awful. I'm still angry about it. Angry at the cancer. Grateful that he's willing to do this, and doesn't think any less of me because of it. Embarrassed that I have to admit it, but also understanding that by speaking about it, it might help someone else.
So, yes. I pooped in the woods. There - I said it. Classy, right?
*sigh* I really, really hate this disease.
I can say that I'm still having diarrhea, but it's slowed down. It usually hits around the time I need to drop the kids off at school in the morning (which sucks, but makes me eternally grateful for the gas station up the street), but it's getting better and better. I think Sunday was bad because of what I had eaten all weekend.
So, there you go. No. Dignity.
******************************************
And, there's another part of radiation that they don't tell you about, until you ask. My care team is amazing. They are really good about telling me things I need to watch out for, be concerned about. One thing they didn't tell me about was dryness....down there. Or, the potential of infection.
Yup. I rang the end-of-treatment bell in radiation on Thursday, and was going in for IV hydration daily. On the Saturday after bell-ringing, I was at CTCA for IV hydration, and thought I would talk with someone in the urgent care clinic about some of the symptoms I was having. Well, after two hours and some test results finally coming in, I found out that I had open "burns" on the inside of my vagina, a bacterial infection brewing in there, and a bladder infection.
REALLY?!?!?!
So, I was on two different types of antibiotics (which don't help the diarrhea, by the way...) and a script to help with the pain. Needless to say, I was surprised. It wasn't what I was expecting.
Moral of this story - talk with your docs about any and all issues you are having. You may not know what's causing them, but you'll be happy you mentioned them to your care team.
I think I've given you all way too much information for now, but I think it's important. I have more stuff coming up, but I'll report on it once I have more information. For now, just know that this has definitely been the hardest battle I've gone through, and I'm trying my damndest to pull myself out of this physical slump.
Comments:
Carol
Pack Urban said...
Hon,
I'm going to tell you that twice in the last couple of months I've lost control
of my bowels and just could not make it to the toilet in time. Thank God I was
home and could change my clothes! A couple weeks ago we were on a day trip at a
rather large state park only to find out that in March they do not open
restroom facilities which meant unless I wanted to experience another accident
I would need to use the woods. Thankfully we carry a package of moist wipes in
the car. Yes, I was embarrassed and humiliated but I was also angry that this
happened to me. There's no rhyme or reason to just when a bowel movement will
occur. It used to be 10-15 minutes after eating and now? It just happens. I'm
really hoping I don't have to start using adult diapers. This really sucks.
April
30, 2013 at 12:41 PM
oh,
my dear michelle...i can't see what i'm typing because of the tears...you
express yourself so ultra-exquisitely that i don't want to stop reading your
thoughts and cares, your concerns and your frustrations...all of it...i LOVE
the photos from the bell ringing and am so sorry i couldn't be there. would you
mind if i posted parts of your blog entry on my face book page? the world needs
to know this cancer warrior, they need to know YOU!
April
30, 2013 at 4:55 PM
Thank
you, ladies. It does help to know others are going through this, and that's
exactly why I post. I want others to know that they are *normal*, for whatever
that means to us all.
And, Jenny? Yes - please share, and just let me know if you post this somewhere. I want to share with others, and would love to know! :)
And, Jenny? Yes - please share, and just let me know if you post this somewhere. I want to share with others, and would love to know! :)
May
9, 2013 at 5:51 PM
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