sucks. As
you may know, I was in the middle of a class at college when I was diagnosed.
This was just another bullet point in the list of things that I had to give up
in May. I was determined when I was getting closer and closer to the end of
chemo that I wanted to get back at it as soon as I could. I wasn't sure if I
was going to be able to do it, but I was going to try, damn it.
Well, I am seriously considering whether this was a good move. I am in my fourth or fifth week of class (I go on-line, and the classes are 9 weeks long), and I just got the grade for my mid-term back. Um, well, let's just say that I didn't do as well as I thought.
I was running a 4.0 GPA before cancer. Now, I am struggling to get a B/C grade. I know that's nothing to sneeze at - I understand that there are lots of people who would be celebrating a B or a C. But, it's so frustrating for me because I was easily getting As before. And now, I am struggling SO MUCH with learning a new way to learn. I have had to completely re-evaluate how I learn, how I study, how I retain the information, etc. And, it pisses me off.
I want so badly to get back to where I was before, and I can't get there. I try, but I am not quite there. Some days, it's okay. I can give myself permission to go as far as I can, and then to say, that's enough. Other days, though, like today I struggle against the left-over remnants of the cancer. I struggle with feeling normal and knowing I am not.
Again, I have said it before and I will say it again and again and again......cancer sucks.
Well, I am seriously considering whether this was a good move. I am in my fourth or fifth week of class (I go on-line, and the classes are 9 weeks long), and I just got the grade for my mid-term back. Um, well, let's just say that I didn't do as well as I thought.
I was running a 4.0 GPA before cancer. Now, I am struggling to get a B/C grade. I know that's nothing to sneeze at - I understand that there are lots of people who would be celebrating a B or a C. But, it's so frustrating for me because I was easily getting As before. And now, I am struggling SO MUCH with learning a new way to learn. I have had to completely re-evaluate how I learn, how I study, how I retain the information, etc. And, it pisses me off.
I want so badly to get back to where I was before, and I can't get there. I try, but I am not quite there. Some days, it's okay. I can give myself permission to go as far as I can, and then to say, that's enough. Other days, though, like today I struggle against the left-over remnants of the cancer. I struggle with feeling normal and knowing I am not.
Again, I have said it before and I will say it again and again and again......cancer sucks.
Comments:
Carol
Urban said...
Sometimes
I struggle just to get a minor thought across to someone else. What sounds
perfectly fine in my head often comes out with words missing leaving me trying
to remember the words I've forgotten or substitute another word and hope the
translation is adequate.
February
26, 2009 at 8:24 PM
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