As I
shift into this next phase in my fight for my life, I'm becoming more and more
aware that life isn't going to take the same road it did during my last battle.
When I completed chemo in 2008, I was done. I went into remission,
and got back to living. Normal meant something new, but I wasn't
scheduling life around chemo any longer. Yes, I had doctor's appointments
and such to worry about, but for the most part, I was able to get on with my
life. I had to give myself a little leeway to recover, but I was able to
live.
This time? It's different. I don't think I fully understood how tired I was going to be, or how hard everything would be while I am on oral chemo. I want so badly to do everything. I'm back at work full-time (which is exhausting), even though I'm able to work remote 3 days a week. Levi is working a crazy amount of hours, and isn't much help at home, unfortunately. The kids are busy with school and activities, which keeps me really busy all week long. And, on the weekends, I'm doing my best to rest up and keep up. Oh - and the worry about money, etc., is still there - the financial help others have given us has helped, but I'm paying out for the bills that have piled up, the oral chemo (and other meds to help with the side effects), etc., and need to figure out how to pay for everything. And, with the new year fast approaching, I'm going to be responsible for the $8,000 out-of-pocket again. Combine that with Christmas coming up, the increased costs associated with going back to work (daycare, fuel, etc.), it's just overwhelming and stressful.
*sigh*
I know I need to ask for help, but sometimes, all I need is for someone to realize that, even though I'm not visibly suffering from the effects of chemo, I'm still tired. I just need someone else to recognize it.
Have you ever felt that asking for help is going to take you more energy than just doing it yourself? That coordinating the assistance is harder than just doing whatever needs to be done?
Yup. That's me right now. It's not anything huge that I'm asking for; just a basic understanding and a few moments to have someone say, "Hey - I get it. Let me take care of (laundry, dinner, house cleaning, transporting the kids, etc.) for you."
I don't mean to sound pitiful, and I'm sure as hell not expecting anything. Please don't think that. (Again, remember - this is my blog, and my venting point...)
Being on oral chemotherapy puts you in an interesting situation - you don't "look" sick. My hair is growing back. My Erbitux rash is going away (thankfully). I'm not scheduling work or recreation around my chemo (and recovery from chemo). I'm not nauseous (a lot, anyways), I'm not unconscious recovering from the chemo. I look just like anyone else.
But, I'm tired. This is still chemo. I need to remember this, and I need to remind others of this. I'm still recovering from 6 months of IV chemotherapy, and that's going to take a toll on my body. In addition to this, I'm not battling this stupid sinus infection, and that's taking a LOT longer than I ever wanted/expected. By the time 7pm comes around, I am done. I don't want to cook, or clean up, or do laundry, or get the kids ready for bed, or (some days), even get myself ready for bed. I just want to fall into my pillow and not wake up until my body says it's time.
Unfortunately, life doesn't allow for that. I need to work, and I have a family to take care of. Balancing everything is hard. Balancing it with cancer and chemo? Ridiculously difficult.
So, what to do about it? I don't know. Haven't figured that out yet. I think, right now, just venting about it and putting words to it is a start. Somehow, we'll figure things out. I'll figure things out. I'm sure this is just a momentary lapse, and I'll feel better once I get breakfast and start recovering more fully from this infection.
I do want to ask you something, though. Please remember that, no matter what their outward appearance is, every single person has their own battles, whether you can see them or not. You don't know what demons a person is facing, or what they are worrying about, or what is weighing heavily on their mind. As you come across people in the course of a day, smile at them. Ask them how their day is, and every once in a while, ask how you can help someone. That one small gesture may not mean much to you, but it may mean the *world* to that other person.
Here's to a better day....just need to remember....Keep On Moving. (Thanks, Rodney!)
This time? It's different. I don't think I fully understood how tired I was going to be, or how hard everything would be while I am on oral chemo. I want so badly to do everything. I'm back at work full-time (which is exhausting), even though I'm able to work remote 3 days a week. Levi is working a crazy amount of hours, and isn't much help at home, unfortunately. The kids are busy with school and activities, which keeps me really busy all week long. And, on the weekends, I'm doing my best to rest up and keep up. Oh - and the worry about money, etc., is still there - the financial help others have given us has helped, but I'm paying out for the bills that have piled up, the oral chemo (and other meds to help with the side effects), etc., and need to figure out how to pay for everything. And, with the new year fast approaching, I'm going to be responsible for the $8,000 out-of-pocket again. Combine that with Christmas coming up, the increased costs associated with going back to work (daycare, fuel, etc.), it's just overwhelming and stressful.
*sigh*
I know I need to ask for help, but sometimes, all I need is for someone to realize that, even though I'm not visibly suffering from the effects of chemo, I'm still tired. I just need someone else to recognize it.
Have you ever felt that asking for help is going to take you more energy than just doing it yourself? That coordinating the assistance is harder than just doing whatever needs to be done?
Yup. That's me right now. It's not anything huge that I'm asking for; just a basic understanding and a few moments to have someone say, "Hey - I get it. Let me take care of (laundry, dinner, house cleaning, transporting the kids, etc.) for you."
I don't mean to sound pitiful, and I'm sure as hell not expecting anything. Please don't think that. (Again, remember - this is my blog, and my venting point...)
Being on oral chemotherapy puts you in an interesting situation - you don't "look" sick. My hair is growing back. My Erbitux rash is going away (thankfully). I'm not scheduling work or recreation around my chemo (and recovery from chemo). I'm not nauseous (a lot, anyways), I'm not unconscious recovering from the chemo. I look just like anyone else.
But, I'm tired. This is still chemo. I need to remember this, and I need to remind others of this. I'm still recovering from 6 months of IV chemotherapy, and that's going to take a toll on my body. In addition to this, I'm not battling this stupid sinus infection, and that's taking a LOT longer than I ever wanted/expected. By the time 7pm comes around, I am done. I don't want to cook, or clean up, or do laundry, or get the kids ready for bed, or (some days), even get myself ready for bed. I just want to fall into my pillow and not wake up until my body says it's time.
Unfortunately, life doesn't allow for that. I need to work, and I have a family to take care of. Balancing everything is hard. Balancing it with cancer and chemo? Ridiculously difficult.
So, what to do about it? I don't know. Haven't figured that out yet. I think, right now, just venting about it and putting words to it is a start. Somehow, we'll figure things out. I'll figure things out. I'm sure this is just a momentary lapse, and I'll feel better once I get breakfast and start recovering more fully from this infection.
I do want to ask you something, though. Please remember that, no matter what their outward appearance is, every single person has their own battles, whether you can see them or not. You don't know what demons a person is facing, or what they are worrying about, or what is weighing heavily on their mind. As you come across people in the course of a day, smile at them. Ask them how their day is, and every once in a while, ask how you can help someone. That one small gesture may not mean much to you, but it may mean the *world* to that other person.
Here's to a better day....just need to remember....Keep On Moving. (Thanks, Rodney!)
Comments:
Natteringnic said...
I
hear you, I hear you! No one knows what is going on in the person's life in
front of you. I nearly lost it last month when a mother brought her kid in for
an eye exam - despite the fact the child had been sent home from school
vomiting. I wanted to leap across the desk and scream "My kid is having
surgery and my Mom - who is battling cancer and has a weakened immune system -
was supposed to visit this weekend. And you're knowingly bringing in the stomach
flu??!!!!???!!" But then I reminded myself, it is not malicious on her
front and she has no idea what is going on in my life. (Um, is this blog a
place for you or me to vent...sorry about that!) As always, awesomely
thought-provoking post. If I lived closer, I'd send J. over to do you laundry.
(YOu don't want me doing your laundry...unless you're into wrinkles and
creases...:) )
October
10, 2012 at 9:19 AM
Michelle
I hope you read this... One thing I learned was that I felt the same way and I was strong and did everything myself. I had a hard time with resentment later on. Why didn't anyone ask to take me to chemo or help me clean my house. They didn't ask because they didn't know how. After lots of conversations and a little therapy my family admitted that they wanted to help but didn't know how. They didn't want to imply I couldn't do it and NEEDED help. My advise to you is to ASK. They can't read your mind or hear your heart breaking. You need to reach out when you need help and ask others to do simple things for you that mean so much.
I know it is easier said than done but it does make a world of difference and you'll avoid the resentment I felt for a very long time. :)
Luv,
Laura
I hope you read this... One thing I learned was that I felt the same way and I was strong and did everything myself. I had a hard time with resentment later on. Why didn't anyone ask to take me to chemo or help me clean my house. They didn't ask because they didn't know how. After lots of conversations and a little therapy my family admitted that they wanted to help but didn't know how. They didn't want to imply I couldn't do it and NEEDED help. My advise to you is to ASK. They can't read your mind or hear your heart breaking. You need to reach out when you need help and ask others to do simple things for you that mean so much.
I know it is easier said than done but it does make a world of difference and you'll avoid the resentment I felt for a very long time. :)
Luv,
Laura
October
10, 2012 at 11:00 AM
Oh
man, same here! Last night I had a semi breakdown because I am so frustrated
with my lask of being able to do what I need to do with the fatigue and my
lovely numb feet and semi numb hands. It sucks! Hopefully today will be better
for both of us. Hang in there.
October
11, 2012 at 8:10 AM
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