I think
the hardest part of chemo at this point isn't so much the physical demand it
places on my body, but the emotional and mental drain it has on my spirit. I
expect the physical demand - you have to. You are literally pumping chemicals
into your body that are meant to seek and destroy cancer cells. Along the way,
unfortunately, they also do the same to healthy, good cells, so there are
losses on that front, but you have to take the good with the bad. And, knowing
that going through this will get me through to the other side makes taking the
pills, dealing with the pain, and handling the nausea a little easier.
However, the mental drain at this point is so hard. I feel like I can see the
end. It's RIGHT there. And yet, with each treatment and cycle, it gets harder
and harder to recover physically, which is so tough to take emotionally. You
want to feel good - mentally, you feel like you should be able to conquer the
world. But, your body says no way. Mentally, you know that you are capable of
SO MUCH more. I know that I can take care of my kids. I know that I can take
care of my husband. My house. Decorating for the holidays. Taking Julia to her
carnival tonight. Playing with Kevin so he doesn't wake my dad up 6 times each
night. But, I can't. I can't do those things right now. Because of the
cancer.
I want so badly to live life again. And, I know that next week, I will start feeling
better, I will start working again, and I will go back to living the "life
inside cancer". When push comes to shove, I just want to live life without
cancer again. I know that I will get there. I will always be a survivor (I
think that's the first time I have used that term here!), but I can't wait to
get to that point. I want to get to the point where cancer isn't the single
most ruling figure in my life. I want to get to the point where I am the one
making the decisions, not chemo, not doctors appointments, and certainly not
the side-effects.
Please don't feel badly for me. I don't post these feelings to gain sympathy,
or to have people feel sorry for me. Quite the contrary - I post these feelings
b/c they are what I am feeling. I know that there are people reading this blog
that aren't able to express their feelings, but that might be able to finally
get a sense that someone else is having the same ideas, the same sadness, the
same fleeting hopelessness. And, it is fleeting. If you go back through my
blog, you will see that I typically get depressed on the Friday after chemo. In
my mind, here's why.
I have made it through another round of chemotherapy. The pump has been
removed, I got my shot, and I am recovering from the chemo. But, instead of feeling
better on Friday, I feel worse. Yesterday, for example, I felt great in the
morning. By afternoon, I was so nauseous, I thought I was going to be sick all
over the house, and confined myself to the bedroom, so that I was never far
from the bathroom. Meds helped, but only a bit. Today, I should be
feeling better, and I do, but still not to the point where I feel good. It's
1pm, and I still haven't showered. (Heading there - honest, I am!) It is so
frustrating to be here, confined to the house, knowing that life goes on
outside of the house. Knowing that my kids are living their lives, and I can't
be an active participant today. Knowing that my family is living their lives
(except for my poor father, who is stuck here with me!), knowing that work goes
on, school goes on, and the world still continues to turn. And, I can't take
part. Yet.
I think the "yet" is my problem. I am kind of a "immediate
gratification" person. If I pay for something, I don't want to have to
wait to have it delivered. I want it now. If I ask for something, I want to
know it's coming, now. As a kid, Christmas Eve was hard, b/c I knew Santa was
coming *soon* and I would wait up for hours. I couldn't sleep, knowing that
come daybreak, it would be a glorious day. I don't do well with waiting for
things. And, this isn't helping. I am not doing well waiting for the last day
of chemo to arrive. For the next PET scan, so that I can be declared
"cancer-free!" I am not doing well waiting for the end of this
ordeal. I want it done, now. And, it isn't. Yet.
But, there is hope is the word yet. It implies that the end is coming. It
implies a solution to a problem. And, mine is here. Chemo is (God willing) the
solution to this problem, for lack of a better term. I know - that's very
simplistic. But, sometimes, that's what helps me get through. Simple things.
So, here's my list of simple things today. I am going to finish this post
(right after I spell check it!). I am going to get my shower, then probably
take a short nap. Then, I will wait while my Dad picks up my babies, and I will
enjoy the time I have with them. I will call my husband (who is back in FL, in
case anyone is counting!), and I will get to bed at a reasonable hour. And, I
will make it to tomorrow, and hopefully feel better than I do today.
How's that for a simple to-do list?
Comments:
Hi
Michelle,
Just wanted to tell you that I have thought of you every day since we have met.
Know that you are in my heart and prayers. Who would of thought that Craigslist
would bring me a person like you. My aunt just got her port put in yesterday
and will begin chemo next week. Even though I know chemo is tough I also know
this is the way to full recovery. Unlike my little friend (my neighbors
daughter) who will soon finish her fight will cancer, my aunt caught it on
time. My friend is now 78% cancer and isn't given much hope. (1-2 Weeks max)
I'm sadden but at the same time glad to know that God will recieve her with open
arms. I hope that you feel better and if you ever need anything, anything at
all feel free to call me. (I'll e-mail you my number) I'm sure I won't be
called on much, you seem to have a wonderful support group. God Bless You and
your family,
Feliz Reyes
P.S. Seen you on the News!! You go Girl
October
18, 2008 at 10:13 PM
I
promise it's not this hard forever. Some days, I kid you not, I would focus on
making it through the next 15 minutes because I couldn't handle any more than
that. But, 15 minutes at a time, we got through it. You will too. I wish I had
more advice or support to offer you, but please know I think of you daily.
October
21, 2008 at 7:03 AM
