Well, the
good news is that I made it through another round of chemo with few problems.
The combo of Tylenol and Advil seems to have made a huge difference in my
response to the chemo, along with the forced bed rest and regular meals (thanks,
Daddy!). I was able to eat some semblance of breakfast, lunch and dinner on all
three chemo days, and while I wasn't the prettiest girl at the fall festival
(insert sarcasm here), I made it through. Take that, cancer!
However, the bad news that pretty much ruined my day on Thursday was that this was Round 7 of chemo, not Round 8. Because of the issues I had back in August with the hospital stay and the following treatment issues with fever, they want me to repeat a cycle, which means 13 cycles instead of 12, and that means that this whole damn chemo schedule gets pushed out 'til December. That just pissed me off to no end, I can tell you that.
I was pretty upset yesterday - I think it was only the third time since I was diagnosed that I have cried about this whole thing. It's like the end of the tunnel, the proverbial light, was right there, within reach, and WHAP! It was yanked out of my reach. It's still there, but a bit dimmer than it was on Wednesday, when I still thought I was in round 8.
I guess the thing to remember is that things change, and that we have to do whatever we have to do to make sure we kick this cancer's ass. However, having now been in chemo for over 3 or 4 months, this whole thing is getting old. The treatments are starting to wear on me mentally as well as physically. I am feeling like an old lady, unable to do much of anything without assistance. I can't get up and go when I want to, mainly b/c I don't have the energy. I can't just do things that I mentally know I am capable of, b/c my damn body won't allow me to. This is probably the single most frustrating time of my life, b/c so few people can truly understand what it's like to feel this way.
My family has been so supportive, but it's hard to hear "This is for the best" or "We have to do this to win this battle" when I am the one on the front line. I know that this is what I have to do. I get that, in my brain, I really do. I understand logically what needs to happen, why we have to repeat the cycle, etc. But, that doesn't mean that my heart is following suit. I think this is something that cancer patients deal with - the difference in opinion between their heart and their brain. It's a tough battle to deal with internally - you want to live life to its fullest, especially knowing that you have just been dealt a serious blow that could potentially shorten your time here on Earth. But, to prolong that time, you have to deal with the sickness, the gross feelings, the exhaustion, the pain, the suffering. All that to try to get to the other side. It's not an easy battle, that's for damn sure.
So, while I am upbeat about being able to make it through yet another round of chemo without ending up in the ER, I am pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired, esp knowing it's going to be prolonged. But, again, I have to do it. What other choice is there? Giving up? Not an option.
However, the bad news that pretty much ruined my day on Thursday was that this was Round 7 of chemo, not Round 8. Because of the issues I had back in August with the hospital stay and the following treatment issues with fever, they want me to repeat a cycle, which means 13 cycles instead of 12, and that means that this whole damn chemo schedule gets pushed out 'til December. That just pissed me off to no end, I can tell you that.
I was pretty upset yesterday - I think it was only the third time since I was diagnosed that I have cried about this whole thing. It's like the end of the tunnel, the proverbial light, was right there, within reach, and WHAP! It was yanked out of my reach. It's still there, but a bit dimmer than it was on Wednesday, when I still thought I was in round 8.
I guess the thing to remember is that things change, and that we have to do whatever we have to do to make sure we kick this cancer's ass. However, having now been in chemo for over 3 or 4 months, this whole thing is getting old. The treatments are starting to wear on me mentally as well as physically. I am feeling like an old lady, unable to do much of anything without assistance. I can't get up and go when I want to, mainly b/c I don't have the energy. I can't just do things that I mentally know I am capable of, b/c my damn body won't allow me to. This is probably the single most frustrating time of my life, b/c so few people can truly understand what it's like to feel this way.
My family has been so supportive, but it's hard to hear "This is for the best" or "We have to do this to win this battle" when I am the one on the front line. I know that this is what I have to do. I get that, in my brain, I really do. I understand logically what needs to happen, why we have to repeat the cycle, etc. But, that doesn't mean that my heart is following suit. I think this is something that cancer patients deal with - the difference in opinion between their heart and their brain. It's a tough battle to deal with internally - you want to live life to its fullest, especially knowing that you have just been dealt a serious blow that could potentially shorten your time here on Earth. But, to prolong that time, you have to deal with the sickness, the gross feelings, the exhaustion, the pain, the suffering. All that to try to get to the other side. It's not an easy battle, that's for damn sure.
So, while I am upbeat about being able to make it through yet another round of chemo without ending up in the ER, I am pretty sick and tired of being sick and tired, esp knowing it's going to be prolonged. But, again, I have to do it. What other choice is there? Giving up? Not an option.
Comments:
You
are right it's not an option... don't get ahead of yourself. You are more than
70% there. Focus on the successful treatments. Take it a day at a time. I know
it has to be hard. But do what you have to do, one extra round of treatment may
equal being cancer-free for the rest of your life. Don't focus on the numbers
(funny how I can use that in this case when my doctors were telling me that
while in treatment) focus on one day closer to being cancer free...
So we may have to push or vegas trip back a few weeks, big deal... We love you! (and I love seeing you on Facebook! Is it great?)
So we may have to push or vegas trip back a few weeks, big deal... We love you! (and I love seeing you on Facebook! Is it great?)
October
3, 2008 at 12:34 PM
I'm
sorry you have to repeat a round. I KNOW how important "the date of the
last treatment" is, and it SUCKS when that gets pushed back. Keep on
trucking. One day this will all be a memory :)
October
3, 2008 at 1:37 PM
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