Well,
yesterday was supposed to be day one of this first round of chemo. Alas, as
my life has been going, it wasn't to be.
My white blood counts were too low, so I instead was gifted with a Neupogen shot, which helps the body produce neutrophils (part of your white blood cells, and important to your body's ability to fight off infection).
Neupogen sucks - it hurts. A lot. Despite the reassurance from my doctor that it wouldn't hurt, it did. I spent most of last night tossing and turning, moaning and groaning and cursing as my body struggled to build those numbers. We go back in tomorrow to find out whether this worked, and if I'll be able to get chemo starting tomorrow.
The problem is that the chemo, we know for a fact, will lessen my body's ability to fight off infection. If I go in and start chemo with an already depleted wbc (white blood cell count), I am leaving myself open to severe infection, which would (according to my doctor) land me in the hospital and, in his words, it wouldn't be pretty.
I don't know what I'm hoping for. If the numbers aren't where they need to be, I'll get another shot of a different drug called Neulasta, which I've had before. They basically do the same thing, except that Neupogen is a shorter lasting drug. They both hurt - a lot - as they throw your bone marrow into overdrive production. It's a pain that I'm not sure I can describe. It's deep in your bones, and can be felt in your joints, back, pelvic area....pretty much everywhere. The general consensus is that taking a single dose of Aleve and Claritin-D daily while on the shots can help with the pain, but it definitely won't alleviate it completely. After some begging and pleading out on some of the groups I'm part of on facebook, I learned that heating pads seem to help. So, I'll try those again tonight and see what happens. Today's pain has been much less than it was yesterday, but it's still there.
If the numbers are where the need to be, we are looking at starting chemo tomorrow. This is good, because we'll be actively fighting the cancer. This is bad because the chemo brings with it a whole other host of issues. Nausea, diarrhea, lack of appetite, sensitivity to cold....yeah. I don't know what I'm hoping for tomorrow.
That sounds so selfish - but, I'm so damned tired. I just can't even begin to tell you how tired I am. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Just....drained. I want to fight the cancer, because I want to live. LIVE!!! But, I don't want to *have* to fight the cancer. Do you know what I mean?
I've had a pretty crappy week. It started last week with finding out that the lung tumors are back, and that I'm going back on chemo. The weekend wasn't too bad, just riddled with anxiety and emotions careening back and forth because of what was coming up. Tuesday, we found out that the WBC is low, so onto that shot, which made yesterday and today fairly miserable. And, then tonight, as we were going out for a dinner that we probably couldn't really afford (but needed to eat, because the thought of spending the energy to cook right now is completely, utterly, totally overwhelming, and we've already run through the generous gift cards that were sent to us), I hit a curb with my car. In hindsight, I shouldn't have been driving, but it is what it is. I hit the curb with my car, and we had to spend another $65 out of pocket to get the tire replaced.
*sigh*
What's that old saying? When it rains, it pours.....
Man, I could seriously do with some sunshine. Like, middle-of-the-summer in Phoenix sunshine. Without the 120* temps. :)
************************************
Tomorrow marks 5 years since I started on this journey. It's also my mom's birthday. I hate that the two are on the same day. I'm so angry that she will be spending her birthday with me, at the hospital, hoping (I think) that my counts are high enough to warrant getting chemo.
I hate that I've been dealing with this for five long years. I've learned so much about so many things since that day 1800+ days ago. Things I never expected to learn, never hoped to need to know. I hate that, for the majority of my children's lives, all they have known is sick Mommy. I hate that my husband and I have had to adjust our marriage to let this mistress called cancer in.
That's kind of what it feels like - she's this horrific, awful, mean-spirited, heartless bitch who keeps trying to put up a wall between us. She's almost succeeded a few times - tonight was another time when I just want to lay down, cry, and sleep away the emotions. Sometimes, I almost want to let her win. There are days when it seems like that would be the easiest way to go.
But, I'll keep fighting. I'm hoping that somehow, someway, I can pull together money enough to cover what I did tonight ($65 is a LOT of money to us right now....I didn't really have it to spend on the damn car tire). Kevin's birthday is next week, and I haven't bought that kid a thing. Julia's still waiting for the shopping spree I promised her. I don't have the money for that, either. The money that we do have goes into basic necessities, like gas for the cars, food, and (apparently) dumb-ass mistakes that I make. I'm hoping to take the kids bowling for Kevin's birthday next week. Maybe some birthday fairy will drop some money our way. I can hope, right?
Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Regardless of what happens, it's going to be a long day. I'll try to keep you in the loop, but I can't make any guarantees.
My white blood counts were too low, so I instead was gifted with a Neupogen shot, which helps the body produce neutrophils (part of your white blood cells, and important to your body's ability to fight off infection).
Neupogen sucks - it hurts. A lot. Despite the reassurance from my doctor that it wouldn't hurt, it did. I spent most of last night tossing and turning, moaning and groaning and cursing as my body struggled to build those numbers. We go back in tomorrow to find out whether this worked, and if I'll be able to get chemo starting tomorrow.
The problem is that the chemo, we know for a fact, will lessen my body's ability to fight off infection. If I go in and start chemo with an already depleted wbc (white blood cell count), I am leaving myself open to severe infection, which would (according to my doctor) land me in the hospital and, in his words, it wouldn't be pretty.
I don't know what I'm hoping for. If the numbers aren't where they need to be, I'll get another shot of a different drug called Neulasta, which I've had before. They basically do the same thing, except that Neupogen is a shorter lasting drug. They both hurt - a lot - as they throw your bone marrow into overdrive production. It's a pain that I'm not sure I can describe. It's deep in your bones, and can be felt in your joints, back, pelvic area....pretty much everywhere. The general consensus is that taking a single dose of Aleve and Claritin-D daily while on the shots can help with the pain, but it definitely won't alleviate it completely. After some begging and pleading out on some of the groups I'm part of on facebook, I learned that heating pads seem to help. So, I'll try those again tonight and see what happens. Today's pain has been much less than it was yesterday, but it's still there.
If the numbers are where the need to be, we are looking at starting chemo tomorrow. This is good, because we'll be actively fighting the cancer. This is bad because the chemo brings with it a whole other host of issues. Nausea, diarrhea, lack of appetite, sensitivity to cold....yeah. I don't know what I'm hoping for tomorrow.
That sounds so selfish - but, I'm so damned tired. I just can't even begin to tell you how tired I am. Physically. Emotionally. Mentally. Just....drained. I want to fight the cancer, because I want to live. LIVE!!! But, I don't want to *have* to fight the cancer. Do you know what I mean?
I've had a pretty crappy week. It started last week with finding out that the lung tumors are back, and that I'm going back on chemo. The weekend wasn't too bad, just riddled with anxiety and emotions careening back and forth because of what was coming up. Tuesday, we found out that the WBC is low, so onto that shot, which made yesterday and today fairly miserable. And, then tonight, as we were going out for a dinner that we probably couldn't really afford (but needed to eat, because the thought of spending the energy to cook right now is completely, utterly, totally overwhelming, and we've already run through the generous gift cards that were sent to us), I hit a curb with my car. In hindsight, I shouldn't have been driving, but it is what it is. I hit the curb with my car, and we had to spend another $65 out of pocket to get the tire replaced.
*sigh*
What's that old saying? When it rains, it pours.....
Man, I could seriously do with some sunshine. Like, middle-of-the-summer in Phoenix sunshine. Without the 120* temps. :)
************************************
Tomorrow marks 5 years since I started on this journey. It's also my mom's birthday. I hate that the two are on the same day. I'm so angry that she will be spending her birthday with me, at the hospital, hoping (I think) that my counts are high enough to warrant getting chemo.
I hate that I've been dealing with this for five long years. I've learned so much about so many things since that day 1800+ days ago. Things I never expected to learn, never hoped to need to know. I hate that, for the majority of my children's lives, all they have known is sick Mommy. I hate that my husband and I have had to adjust our marriage to let this mistress called cancer in.
That's kind of what it feels like - she's this horrific, awful, mean-spirited, heartless bitch who keeps trying to put up a wall between us. She's almost succeeded a few times - tonight was another time when I just want to lay down, cry, and sleep away the emotions. Sometimes, I almost want to let her win. There are days when it seems like that would be the easiest way to go.
But, I'll keep fighting. I'm hoping that somehow, someway, I can pull together money enough to cover what I did tonight ($65 is a LOT of money to us right now....I didn't really have it to spend on the damn car tire). Kevin's birthday is next week, and I haven't bought that kid a thing. Julia's still waiting for the shopping spree I promised her. I don't have the money for that, either. The money that we do have goes into basic necessities, like gas for the cars, food, and (apparently) dumb-ass mistakes that I make. I'm hoping to take the kids bowling for Kevin's birthday next week. Maybe some birthday fairy will drop some money our way. I can hope, right?
Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Regardless of what happens, it's going to be a long day. I'll try to keep you in the loop, but I can't make any guarantees.
Comments:
MsMarysKilla said...
I
know you’re going through a lot and I want to help with a little extra spending
money for you and your kiddos but I don’t know how to donate. Don’t hate me for
asking, I just don’t know how to do it because I’m new to your blog. Do you
have a site or a po box address to send gift cards or cash/checks to? I don’t
have a ton to donate right now because I’m getting married on 6/15 and paying
for some of the wedding on my own (my fiances’ parents are helping too), but
I’d like to give something. Even if it’s just enough for your daughter and you
to go shopping – lol. Please help me out and let me know thanks! J
May
23, 2013 at 11:28 AM
MsMarysKilla said...
whoops
sorry, I wrote the other day too but it showed up under my *spam* email name
hahah, hello my name is MARY. (:
May
23, 2013 at 11:29 AM
please
contact me. I'd like to help. Don't know you but read your blog. Swear I'm a
legitimate person!!! jabardee@gmail.com
May
23, 2013 at 7:12 PM
No comments:
Post a Comment