I have a
feeling this might be a random post that won't make much sense - sorry in
advance for this.
********************************************************************
Honestly, I'm surprised I remembered that this was a topic I wanted to blog about. Yesterday, I was reading a non-fiction book I bought and realized how difficult it is for me to read something that I haven't read before, because I have to process what I'm reading and my brain doesn't always do this as easily as I'd like. I thought about this topic last night as I was lying in bed, trying to go to sleep. Hence, the surprise at remembering it this morning.
See, before cancer, I could read a book once and remember what I read, details, etc. It was an amazing ability that made school easier for me that it probably should have been. I could read something and it was in my head. If I wrote that detail down, it was premanently in my brain. Studying became reading and writing - as long as I did those things, I was fairly assured that I'd be able to recall it on a test. Along with this, I was able to skim books and get the jist of the content, which made reading books a fairly easy process. And, reading has always been an escape for me. It's been something that transports me to another world easily, and allows me to leave this world for another one where I have no responsibility or consequence - who can't use an escape like that every once in a while.
Since chemo brain hit hardcore, I have had a hell of a time trying to read a new book. It doesn't matter if it's fiction or non-fiction. Reading a new book with details that my brain has to process is a feat of magnificent proportions - it takes time, and energy, and willpower. Quite frankly, I haven't had those in spades lately. And, it frustrates me. I don't remember details. I can read a sentence and not remember what I just read. I have to re-read sentences a couple of times in order to understand what I'm reading. Not good for someone who's used to skimming pages to read a book.
As I said, I am reading a new book. It's a good book, and I'm intrigued by the content. However, it's taking me a lot longer than I'd like to read it, and to understand it. VERY frustrating.
So, I wondered last night, laying in bed, if this is a permanent change. Has the chemicals injected into my body changed my brain permanently? Will I have to alter how I learn? How I understand and process things? I hope not - I'm hoping that this goes away as I get farther and farther away fom chemo.
I also still notice that I have days where the chemo brain is in full effect. Days where I can't remember certain details. Or, where I'm going. What I'm doing. I find that I write a lot more lists now - I have to, otherwise, I'll think of something and then POOF - the thought is gone. Not good when that thought is a to-do items that needs to be taken care of. Somedays, I have trouble putting thoughts together. Or, getting a coherent thought in my brain to a coherent sentence coming out of my mouth.
I just wanted to blog about this while I remembered it. Again, I have a feeling this was a fairly rambling post. Sorry about that. But, that's chemo brain. LOL!
********************************************************************
Honestly, I'm surprised I remembered that this was a topic I wanted to blog about. Yesterday, I was reading a non-fiction book I bought and realized how difficult it is for me to read something that I haven't read before, because I have to process what I'm reading and my brain doesn't always do this as easily as I'd like. I thought about this topic last night as I was lying in bed, trying to go to sleep. Hence, the surprise at remembering it this morning.
See, before cancer, I could read a book once and remember what I read, details, etc. It was an amazing ability that made school easier for me that it probably should have been. I could read something and it was in my head. If I wrote that detail down, it was premanently in my brain. Studying became reading and writing - as long as I did those things, I was fairly assured that I'd be able to recall it on a test. Along with this, I was able to skim books and get the jist of the content, which made reading books a fairly easy process. And, reading has always been an escape for me. It's been something that transports me to another world easily, and allows me to leave this world for another one where I have no responsibility or consequence - who can't use an escape like that every once in a while.
Since chemo brain hit hardcore, I have had a hell of a time trying to read a new book. It doesn't matter if it's fiction or non-fiction. Reading a new book with details that my brain has to process is a feat of magnificent proportions - it takes time, and energy, and willpower. Quite frankly, I haven't had those in spades lately. And, it frustrates me. I don't remember details. I can read a sentence and not remember what I just read. I have to re-read sentences a couple of times in order to understand what I'm reading. Not good for someone who's used to skimming pages to read a book.
As I said, I am reading a new book. It's a good book, and I'm intrigued by the content. However, it's taking me a lot longer than I'd like to read it, and to understand it. VERY frustrating.
So, I wondered last night, laying in bed, if this is a permanent change. Has the chemicals injected into my body changed my brain permanently? Will I have to alter how I learn? How I understand and process things? I hope not - I'm hoping that this goes away as I get farther and farther away fom chemo.
I also still notice that I have days where the chemo brain is in full effect. Days where I can't remember certain details. Or, where I'm going. What I'm doing. I find that I write a lot more lists now - I have to, otherwise, I'll think of something and then POOF - the thought is gone. Not good when that thought is a to-do items that needs to be taken care of. Somedays, I have trouble putting thoughts together. Or, getting a coherent thought in my brain to a coherent sentence coming out of my mouth.
I just wanted to blog about this while I remembered it. Again, I have a feeling this was a fairly rambling post. Sorry about that. But, that's chemo brain. LOL!
Comments:
Heat said...
Well,
I had different chemo than you did, and a different brain, but I can tell you
what I've experienced so far...
It gets better.
My memory/cognitive processing isn't back to what it once was, but it's a hell of a lot better than it was two years ago.
A few months ago, I had a bout of REALLY bad memory problems - no idea why - but that seems to have cleared up as well.
So back to normal ever? Dunno. But I think you'll get some of your brain back....
It gets better.
My memory/cognitive processing isn't back to what it once was, but it's a hell of a lot better than it was two years ago.
A few months ago, I had a bout of REALLY bad memory problems - no idea why - but that seems to have cleared up as well.
So back to normal ever? Dunno. But I think you'll get some of your brain back....
December
30, 2009 at 9:37 PM
Michelle,
you do not know me, but you know a friend of mine that I went to high school
with - Stephanie Young. She gave me your blog, hoping it would help. My husband
is currently facing exactly what you had to face. Same cancer, same chemo. (He
has a blog here too... http://everythinginbalance.blogspot.com/) Anyway my
husband is an incredibly intelligent man who breezed through college and
masters. He can skim books and retain everything from them. Now it seems chemo
has taken some of that away from him and it is incredibly frustrating to him.
But for him it hasn't taken the reading aspect away. What it has taken away is
processing. It is hard to see my brilliant husband struggle with processing how
to do something as simple as paying a bill. He just can't remember what he did
just a moment ago. Now this isn't every day. It's usually the week of treatment
and then it calms down and he can process information and tasks well again, but
people who know him can see that he isn't quite on task as he used to be. He
isn't as quick with his thoughts. I know that he is scared that this will
remain permanent. He relies on his brain extensively with his job. He is able
to continue working and he still does very well at his job, but he and I both
know that it isn't to the same level.
I on the other hand, am not having chemo, but I struggle with the very same things you speak about in your blog. I can't retain much of anything I read right now, and I was very much like you with my reading skills. I can't remember a blasted thing - what people have said, what I have said, what happened now, what happened long ago. I feel like a complete dunce where once I used to be smart. I'm so frustrated with it. And I know it is because I can't focus. I can't focus on anything long enough. I do something, jump up and have to do something else. I haven't read a book since this whole nightmare began. I have tried but I just can't get through it. For me I think it is fear over-crowding my mind. I'm so lost in fear and consumed in my husband, my kids, and myself that I have no room to read a book, create art as fast as I used to, etc. Cancer is so evil. It steals from not only the person it is inflicting, but the other people around them. I wonder if your husband struggled with this as well?
But one thing I want you to know, Michelle - I thank God that you made it! Keep going strong! You are certainly an inspiration, and I thank you for opening yourself up for others going through the same things. :)
I on the other hand, am not having chemo, but I struggle with the very same things you speak about in your blog. I can't retain much of anything I read right now, and I was very much like you with my reading skills. I can't remember a blasted thing - what people have said, what I have said, what happened now, what happened long ago. I feel like a complete dunce where once I used to be smart. I'm so frustrated with it. And I know it is because I can't focus. I can't focus on anything long enough. I do something, jump up and have to do something else. I haven't read a book since this whole nightmare began. I have tried but I just can't get through it. For me I think it is fear over-crowding my mind. I'm so lost in fear and consumed in my husband, my kids, and myself that I have no room to read a book, create art as fast as I used to, etc. Cancer is so evil. It steals from not only the person it is inflicting, but the other people around them. I wonder if your husband struggled with this as well?
But one thing I want you to know, Michelle - I thank God that you made it! Keep going strong! You are certainly an inspiration, and I thank you for opening yourself up for others going through the same things. :)
January
5, 2010 at 7:06 AM
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