I hate
this. Levi just called. He went to his boss, asking about the
situation with the job. Should he plan to come home? This is what
we both want. Without a doubt. I need him home. He needs to
be here. He's been waiting for an answer from his boss for almost two
weeks.
Today, he got the answer, and now he's in New York until after the first of the year.
Damn it.
I'm going to cry. Right here at work. Yes, it's unprofessional. I don't care. I can't stand it. The thought of being away from my husband for this long....the kids being away from their Daddy......him being away from them.....how am I going to explain to Julia especially that her Daddy isn't going to be here for Christmas?
For yet another missed holiday. For our anniversary. For New Year's. Since we've been together, we haven't missed this season together. And now, we are. After last year's holiday (which I was so sick and exhausted for), I was SO looking forward to enjoying and celebrating this year's holiday season. And, I will...I will force myself to. But, I won't be able to spend it with the one person that I was REALLY looking forward to spending time with. We are going to miss our 8th wedding anniversary together. Julia and Kevin aren't going to be able to spend Christmas with their Daddy. He's going to miss this very special day with his kids - what's he going to do on that day? Sit in my parent's house? Alone?
I hate this situation. I can't express to you in words the emotions raging through me right now. Anger, frustration, extreme sadness, disappointment. I'm so upset. Why is this happening to us? What could we possibly have done that was so horrible as to deserve this kind of result? This isn't in some master plan - I'm sure of it. There cannot possibly be a logical, ulterior reason for us to suffer the way we have been. There just can't be. I have no faith that this will work out as part of some master plan to make us stronger. Screw that. I don't want to subscribe to some thinking that what I'm going through is going to make us stronger or lead us to something better. This can't possibly be the case. If it is, at what point will the good come about? I've been asking for it for a while - hasn't come through yet. Doesn't seem to be on the horizon. That I have to suffer this much for something positive seems to be the most ass-backwards way of thinking right now. How's about using some logic and reason?
I didn't need this today. Of all days, I didn't need to cry today. And yet, it's inevitable.
Fuck.
*************************************************************
Update: I still think this sucks, and I still stand by my previous post, but I wanted to let you know that I'm feeling better. Still not woo-hoo, but I'm coming to terms with this situation. For now. I still don't know how I'm going to tell Julia about her Daddy missing Christmas - I have NO idea how I'm going to handle that. But, like everything else over the past couple of years, I will handle it. Maybe not with all the grace and dignity I'd like to, but I will handle it and I will move forward and I will make the best with what I have.
Blech. I need a drink. Hey Jim and Tom - is it 5 o'clock where you are yet?
Today, he got the answer, and now he's in New York until after the first of the year.
Damn it.
I'm going to cry. Right here at work. Yes, it's unprofessional. I don't care. I can't stand it. The thought of being away from my husband for this long....the kids being away from their Daddy......him being away from them.....how am I going to explain to Julia especially that her Daddy isn't going to be here for Christmas?
For yet another missed holiday. For our anniversary. For New Year's. Since we've been together, we haven't missed this season together. And now, we are. After last year's holiday (which I was so sick and exhausted for), I was SO looking forward to enjoying and celebrating this year's holiday season. And, I will...I will force myself to. But, I won't be able to spend it with the one person that I was REALLY looking forward to spending time with. We are going to miss our 8th wedding anniversary together. Julia and Kevin aren't going to be able to spend Christmas with their Daddy. He's going to miss this very special day with his kids - what's he going to do on that day? Sit in my parent's house? Alone?
I hate this situation. I can't express to you in words the emotions raging through me right now. Anger, frustration, extreme sadness, disappointment. I'm so upset. Why is this happening to us? What could we possibly have done that was so horrible as to deserve this kind of result? This isn't in some master plan - I'm sure of it. There cannot possibly be a logical, ulterior reason for us to suffer the way we have been. There just can't be. I have no faith that this will work out as part of some master plan to make us stronger. Screw that. I don't want to subscribe to some thinking that what I'm going through is going to make us stronger or lead us to something better. This can't possibly be the case. If it is, at what point will the good come about? I've been asking for it for a while - hasn't come through yet. Doesn't seem to be on the horizon. That I have to suffer this much for something positive seems to be the most ass-backwards way of thinking right now. How's about using some logic and reason?
I didn't need this today. Of all days, I didn't need to cry today. And yet, it's inevitable.
Fuck.
*************************************************************
Update: I still think this sucks, and I still stand by my previous post, but I wanted to let you know that I'm feeling better. Still not woo-hoo, but I'm coming to terms with this situation. For now. I still don't know how I'm going to tell Julia about her Daddy missing Christmas - I have NO idea how I'm going to handle that. But, like everything else over the past couple of years, I will handle it. Maybe not with all the grace and dignity I'd like to, but I will handle it and I will move forward and I will make the best with what I have.
Blech. I need a drink. Hey Jim and Tom - is it 5 o'clock where you are yet?
Comments:
jnwhiteh said...
It's
definitely 5:00 somewhere =(. I loveyou!
December
4, 2009 at 1:07 PM
Michelle,
So sorry to hear the news. I am sure there are other families in your
situation... especially with the economy the way it is. People have to travel
far to find work! Then there's the military, too. I know if you could afford it
you'd fly the family out to see him for the holidays. It hurts me to see you
and so many others suffer from separation. God bless.
December
4, 2009 at 6:36 PM
Michelle,
Hang in there :). I understand what you are going through on the flip side of
the coin. Trust me, I ask myself the same questions: Why am I going through
what I am and what for? Why do I have to struggle and will it make me a
stronger person or just destroy me emotionally? I am here for you if you ever
need to vent or cry..I have been there many times. It will get better...I
always say this to myself because it has to and I know it will happen for you
both too! I am going to try to blog more and see if that helps me during this
rough time. You are an inspiration of strength to me :). I know we can't talk
as much as we would like, but let's keep up at least thru each other blogs
until then. I love ya and hope for the best to bring Levi home soon.
December
9, 2009 at 6:46 PM
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