AUGUST 31, 2009

Monday Update

Just wanted to let you all know I am still here. I kind of took the weekend off, as much as I could. I relaxed, did some cleaning, etc., but mostly tried to relax and not think about things. My brain has other plans and is keeping me up at night, and I think it's because I haven't had time to process everything yet. I figure this is pretty normal, and while I'd like to have a full night's sleep, I'm okay with this. I have Thursday off for Kim's funeral, so I'm hoping some time with her family and friends will help me cope a bit better. Friday, I am working a half-day (mainly because I need to keep some vacation/personal hours in the bank, just in case), but I'm off in the afternoon for school meetings for the kids.

If you are wondering if I'm still pissed, etc., yes, but I'm trying to work through it. I called my therapist and I have an appointment for next Thursday, thank goodness. This will be a good day for me. In the morning, I am speaking at a conference for The Wellness Community, talking with a group of clergy, etc. about faith and how they can help cancer patients work through their illness, treatment, etc.. My part is to tell how there are certain myths that exist regarding cancer, and how my diagnosis blew those out of the water. Obviously one of the ones they are going to have me speak about it that you can't get cancer when you are a young adult. Stupid myths.

I think it's interesting that I'm attending a FAITH conference while I am in the midst of a faith crisis. Should put an interesting spin on it, and I'm looking forward to the people that I'll meet there. Plus, being with people from TWC always, without a doubt, makes me feel so much better. I wish I had the time to go threre now - I think I could use a good dose of TWC right now.

So there you go. I'm still here. Still thinking things through, but trying to remember that no matter what happens, I have my kids, my husband, and my family and friends that have stood by me through thick and thin, and I am still blessed regardless of the circumstances. I am trying to keep an upbeat attitude and will be working with others to get through this time.

Good news - I made the first payment on our modified, temporary payment plan. We were able to get a temporary reduction, with more changes to come later based on a plan they offered. It all looks good (Whidbey - I looked at the paperwork and saw no fine print, plus I asked them all the things you mentioned, and this seems like it's on the up and up) and I can be thankful that this isn't a stress I have right now.

Now, if I could just get the name of a good masseuse to get these knots and tangles out of my back, I'd be all set.

Comments:

Carol Pack Urban said...

Very happy to hear about the new modified mortgage. I know how much that weighed on you!

Thinking that the WTC conference will be a very good thing for you right now. I think of you so much and wonder how you are holding up.

August 31, 2009 at 6:01 PM

 Whidbey Woman said...

Wonderful news, Michelle!!!
I STILL am praying for you....
You have been through so much, I don't blame you for being angry.But, :) Turn that frown upside down!

August 31, 2009 at 6:06 PM

AUGUST 29, 2009

Kim's funeral

Kim's funeral arrangements have been finalized. I will be there, without a doubt. Assuming I can find childcare for Wednesday night and assuming they do a viewing, I will be there as well.

*sigh*

This sucks.

Comments:

Caroline said...

I am sorry to hear about your friend. Cancer is a nasty disease. It brings some of us closer together, it drives some others away because they fear it, but the worst is it takes other away when we want to keep them here. HUGS!

August 30, 2009 at 4:31 AM

AUGUST 28, 2009

While I'm down....it seem like I always...always....

...get kicked when it hurts the most. That's what it feels like. I know that things aren't as bad as I'm making them out to be, but right now, well, things feel pretty gosh darned sucky.

After a rough day yesterday and a long, very restless night, I went to work today and was gratefully swamped with work. I was able to keep my mind busy and away from thoughts of yesterday (mostly). And, I was looking forward to a night with the kids - I got pizza, ice cream, was planning to spend a night playing CandyLand and then, once they were sleeping, take a nice, long, hot, steamy bath and some comtemplative thinking.

No no - fate, that bitch, had other plans. I got home tonight and my A/C is out. Are you freaking kidding me? It was 87 in my house when I got home, and by the time I left, 89. The irony? About this time last year, in the midst of chemo, same damn thing happened.

I have a call into the A/C repair place, who was wonderfully kind and honestly a refreshing change from what I was expecting. She remembered me from last year, placed the phone call to the home warranty company on my behalf, and has her husband (a.k.a., her tech) coming at 8am tomorrow to check things out.

Now, admittedly, I don't have much to complain about. I called my parents and got permission to stay at their house - once it cooled down. 101 when I walked in, but thank goodness their A/C was working. Because of this, I am blessed enough to be able to hang out with the kids in the air-conditioned bliss. I am able to sit here and type this out, and I know that this makes me a horrible, awful, ungrateul person for having the feelings of anger, disgust, and plain old bitchiness-extraordinaire that I am currently working through.

I have already had people tell me to remember the good things that I have, and blah blah blah. I do - don't get me wrong...especially in light of things happening yesterday and knowing that there are so many others out there suffering SO MUCH more than I could ever imagine, I am grateful for what I have and how lucky I am.

However, when you are feeling this bitchy, that's the last thing I want to hear. Here I am, worrying about the family of my friend that dies yesterday. I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll never get to know Kim better - that somehow, I'll have to learn who she was before cancer from her friends and family. I am still trying to come to terms with the fact tha I saw someone I love DIE yesterday, in front of my face. And, then, as if I needed another kick to the stomach, the A/C is out.

First thing through my head - I looked right up at the sky and fairly-well shouted..... REALLY?!?!?! I haven't spoken much about my relationship with God here - I don't know that I want to, but I'm feeling particularly plucky tonight, so here goes. Right now, God and I are on the outs. Oh yes, I said it. I am pissed at the Almighty. Why? Because I want to know where the hell he is planning to take my life. Why was I chosen for this? Isn't one or two or a hundred tragedies enough? (Yes, there's some sarcasm here - deal with it.) Isn't it enough that the last 18 months have been strife with anxiety, stress, worry? I am so sick of feeling like I can't let my guard down. I am constantly on the lookout for the next THING to happen. As soon as I have a chance to sit and breathe and calm down and relax and just enjoy, I get hit with something. Sometimes, it's easily handled. Oftentimes, I feel like someone upstairs has a horrible mean-streak and is doing everything they can to see how far I can be pushed before I completely and totally lose my mind and just go nuts.

I have heard, more often that I care to admit, that things happen for a reason, and that you are only given what you can handle. What I don't care for about that first statement is that I am sick of things happening, then no reason becomes apparent. Hmmmm.....sometimes, I can look back and see the reason. But, when you are in the midst of these things happening, logic like that doesn't help. No, no, it makes it worse. And, the next statement - about making you stronger. Well, here's the thing with that. I keep getting faced with these things.....and, I make it through. The only downside of that is that it makes me stronger so I can handle the next little piece of hell that gets thrown at me.

How 'bout thowing that lovely, hot, burning piece of real estate hell some other direction? Just once? For fun?

Someone yesterday said that they needed to have a "Come to Jesus" talk with Jesus. I said that I've been having them for a year and a half - he isn't listening. Someone today told me that he is listening, but only answering what needs to be answered.

Here's my thought - I don't want to handle what he's preparing me for. Logically, if this stuff (shit is the word I'd use here, but whatever) is preparing me for something, then it makes sense that the "something" that's coming is worse than what I am going through.

NO THANK YOU!!!!

How did I get drafted for this, and how do I put in my resignation - effective immediately? I'm ready to resign. I'm tired and upset and angry. Like I said, I can't let my guard down. Ever. That's extremely exhausting. And I'm SO fucking over it.

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know why these things keep happening to me and my family. And, I don't know why I feel like I can't handle them. I know that Kevin and Julia feed off my stress, and tonight would have been one of those nights where the stress was dripping off me like the sweat was. I can't handle the stress, the situation, and Kevin acting up. I can't. I don't know how. Julia becomes clingy and lovey-dovey (this kind of situation usually means that I have to answer "Mommy, I love you..." about 50 times, which is nice to hear but irritating because she's kissing my ass), and Kevin becomes three-year-old-monster-from-the-depths-of-hell. Tonight involved screaming at the top of his vocal chords because I told him to come here, falling to the ground in the parking lot, telling me "Mommy, NO!" several times, hitting me, etc. It also included a few butt-smacks (yes, in Wal-Mart.....) until we got the pecking order back together. I don't want to do it, but I am not going to have a child act like that.

And, why's he acting like that? Because I'm an A-plus number one bitch.

*sigh* I can't keep doing this. I am so tired - exhausted, emotionally and physically and just drained completely from head to toe.

Here's hoping tomorrow's a brighter day. I'm not holding out any high hopes - the way this is going, I am just holding out hope that the cats are still alive when I get there. I will consider that a win. (I set them up with cold water, food, and several fans for them to lay in front of...)

And, a formal apology to my husband - I was wrong to yell at you and I was wrong to take out my stress on you. However, you are my husband, and should expect this from my by now. Love you. Missing you, especially tonight. I need someone here to talk with, and all I have is this computer. I don't want to call anyone to burden them with this, because it's honestly a small, trivial matter, and tomorrow I'll read this and wonder where my head was tonight. But, right now, I need you here with me, to talk me through this and help me with my stress and just take some of this off me.

Is there any chance that my 34th year will be easier? Is that too much to ask?

*sigh*

Comments:

Nancy said...

oh sweetie....it breaks my heart to hear you so down....and I don't want to preach to you..but I know its not God handing you all this hell....think about it ,this is the way the devil works.when you are down kick her more.he moves you away from God that way,I don't want to hurt your feelings but talk to your doctor about all the stress you are under.you could be need something to help you deal with it all.sometimes we are missing something in our system and it would be a great idea to check with them.And never say the problem is too small to call and talk to someone..I am here no matter what.and sometimes it helps to see things better to get it off your chest and shoulders.Please call me no matter when or what baby I have a strong shoulder to help you the best I can.I love you Michelle..and so does God...just look at those two babies....you know you are blessed
xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo

August 29, 2009 at 6:06 AM

 Tina said...

Sorry you are having such a rough time! But I KNOW you will get through it! I'll be praying that you have some easy times ahead. Life just really sucks sometimes...but great will our reward in heaven be, and if you are a believer you don't have to walk it alone.
You are doing an AMAZING job of being a single mom--don't be too hard on yourself!! I hope you and your husband can be together as a family again real soon.
Thanks for being an advocate, thanks for being there for Kim--even in her last moments--, and thanks for being my inspiration to kick this cancer!!
Hugs from Minnesota!
Tina

August 29, 2009 at 2:52 PM

 Carol Pack Urban said...

I get pissed when people say, "God won't bring you to it if he can't get you through it." People say that when they've never had bad things happen to them.

I totally relate to how you're feeling right now.

August 30, 2009 at 5:47 PM

 Jeannie said...

I think anyone in your position would have similar feelings. The music minister at my parents church is a young adult cancer survivor and he once spoke about how it's the little things that really set you over the edge. The cancer diagnosis, grim prognosis, treatment, remission, etc he could deal with; but the "little things" would be what threw him for a loop.

August 31, 2009 at 7:57 AM

AUGUST 27, 2009

Please pray for Kim....

I don't have any specifics, but things aren't going well for Kim. Please pray for her, her family, and her friends. I will keep you updated as I hear anything, but I'm afraid that I won't have much good news at all....

Comments:

Amanda: said...

Keep us posted. Hang in there.

August 27, 2009 at 9:42 AM

Later:

He took another angel home today.....

...and I was given the amazing blessing to be there when it happened. If you've been reading this blog, you've seen my updates about Kim and her fight. Today, around 2:30pm, Kim lost her battle with cancer. Well, let me rephrase that.....Kim chose to end things before cancer did. I say this because, in the end, she's the one that took the oxygen mask off her face and made the decision that it was time to go. She didn't let this thing beat her - she had the last word, and that's all I would expect from Kim.

I knew things weren't well this week, and I haven't been to see Kim since before I left for NY. I jumped on facebook this morning to see a ominous post from her friend, Randi. I started texting and was given kind-of the "hang on and see" notice. Okay.....hard to do, but I tried. About 11:30 this morning, I got a call from Kim's friend Nat that I needed to get to the hospital, immediately. They were going to take Kim off the oxygen today and they wanted me there.

Needless to say, I shut off my computer and immediately headed to CTCA. There, I saw the most amazing sight - Kim was surrounded by friends and family, and was in such a loving environment that I could only think that no one could wish for a better goodbye.

I'll spare you the details, but suffice it to say that when the time came, it was Kim's choice to remove the oxygen mask, and about 30 minutes later, she was finally pain-free and no longer battling this bitch we call cancer. Although this was undoubtedly one of the hardest things I have ever watched, I am so grateful to have been there for this. It has undoubtedly changed me in ways I can't yet imagine, and I am just beyond words at this point.

I am not even sure what else to say right now. I have a mass of feeling going through my head; I have a hundred-thousand thoughts jamming up in my brain and I don't even know how to sort them out yet. I don't know if there are even words to put to the thoughts - do such words exist in our world?

I know that I am so grateful to have been asked to be at the hospital today. I was nervous - how would they accept me into this circle, and was it appropriate? I had more people than I can count come up to me today and tell me how grateful they were that I was there. Randi, who I've blogged about a little, said to me, "That could have been you if you had waited three months - now, we can advocate together." Yes, I did lose it and sob at that point. It was such a reminder and such a punch to the gut (in a good way). Just one of those *HOLY SHIT* moments.

I didn't know Kim as well as everyone else there in that room. I don't know what her favorite color was, what type of music she liked, or what her life's ambitions were, but we had an amazing bond. We fought together.....we could understand one another like few others can. I knew what she meant when she was tired, sick, etc. And, I know how important it is to her that I continue to advocate for others like us. That was our goal - to be able to go out there and change the world.

Kim - I know you're able to read this. You're watching over all of us, no doubt, looking more beautiful (if it's possible) than you have in months.....and, I promise you that I WILL NOT let your death be in vain. I will take your story and the story of others like us and I will move this awareness campaign forward. I will take whatever support your family provides, when they are ready, and I will use them to get our voice heard. Because we are one voice now - you get to tell me what to do, and where you want me to go. You're around me - I can feel it. I know you are around all of us that are hurting right now, and that's what we need. Thank you for letting me be, for a short time, a member of your extended family - that's one of the greatest gifts I have ever been given, and I can't tell you how grateful I am for it.

Today, I lost a friend and a sister. I am still waiting for it to hit me. It hasn't yet, though as I see the updates on facebook, the waves of sadness start to roll over me. I will not let Kim be forgotten. RIP, my wonderful friend. I'll see you later.....

Comments:

Jill said...

my eyes are leaking reading this and I cant put any of my thoughts into words. If you need me Michelle I am here.

August 27, 2009 at 8:25 PM

 Amanda: said...

Oh Michelle... holding you in my heart today.

August 28, 2009 at 6:26 AM

 Mrs. Buv said...

I'm not normally one to correct, but the room was not quiet when I said what I said (& I think I was sobbing), so I will tell you again. :) "I'm so glad you didn't wait three months. That could have been you & then you wouldn't be here with us now. Now WE can advocate togther!"

Know in your heart, you have and always will be accepted by us. Your strength is power only you can provide.

I'm so very grateful you didn't wait. I'm so very thankful you stood up and kicked cancer's ass.

Love ya like a sista,

Randi

p.s. F%$# Cancer!! :)

August 28, 2009 at 2:08 PM

 Michelle said...

Wow, Randi - I am so completely humbled by you and your family/friends. Truly, you have all given me such a gift. I know that you think that I provide you with strength - know that you all provide ME with strength. I am so incredibly proud of you all, and to be considered a part of your group For that, I can't thank you enough....

August 28, 2009 at 2:18 PM

 Carol Pack Urban said...

Even though I never met Kim or her family I felt I knew her through her posts and also yours.

I feel devastated reading your blog today knowing Kim passed away but I am so glad she is no longer suffering.

August 28, 2009 at 5:07 PM

AUGUST 25, 2009

Another (unknown) publicity move for me....

I'm sitting at work last Friday, and up walks a colleague who says, "Hey celebrity!" Hmmmm.....since there hasn't been much PR activity in my world lately, I didn't know what he was talking about. Then, he posted this page from the Arizona republic's 8/21/09 edition on the cork board near my cube. Lo and behold, there was a picture of me and the kids from last year's photo shoot with The Wellness Community, and a quote from the interview I did earlier this summer. They used this as an advertisement for an organization called Arizona Grantmakers Forum, which provides educational resources, research and networking opportunities for grant makers in AZ (so says the ad). And, AGF apparently helped St. Luke's Health Initiatives provide funding to TWC, which in turn used me and the kids as the poster-family for their organization. I had NO idea this was happening - SO COOL! 

Yes, I went out a bought a paper. And, I did try to post the picture online here, but I only have the capability to save it as a pdf file, and blogger only allows jpegs, etc. Bummer. 

Of course, the kids and I look fantastic and it's well done. (I can say that because you can't see it....LOL!)

Comments:

Jill said...

SUPER COOL.... I'm glad he saw it :) Superdooooooper star you are... okay now I am starting to rhyme to you... lol. Thinking about you lots and hope all is well.

August 25, 2009 at 2:31 PM

AUGUST 21, 2009

Off the cuff thoughts....

I was reading today that, one year and eight days ago, Michael Phelps won his 8th gold medal in Beijing. It dawned on me that this meant that, one year and eight days ago, I was lying in a hospital bed, trying to recover from an infection that was raging throughout my body. I was so determined to stay awake to watch him win this medal - I have never been a huge swimming fan (d0n't tell my husband - he lettered in high school and still holds records there); truthfully, I've never been a huge fan of the Olympics - I enjoy watching the opening ceremony, but beyond that, I'm happy with a medal-count check every day or so. And, since the Greg Lougainis incident, I struggle to watch swimming. However, I wanted to feel somewhat normal while I was lying in bed fighting some unknown infection (while also fighting cancer) and this helped me feel somewhat normal. Because of the time difference (Beijing is 15 hours ahead of AZ), and because of the several-times-nightly blood draws, temp and BP checks, etc. that kept me awake, I could actually watch it as it happened, instead of catching it on the multitude of reruns, as everyone else would have to do.

Thinking about this today got me thinking more about where I was a year ago. I was about halfway through my treatments and starting to truly feel the effects of the chemo. If my memory serves me right (and, it may not....), I had started feeling the neuropathy by now, and the exhaustion was complete and utterly draining by now. My nausea was controllable but awful, and my hair was still falling out pretty rapidly. Overall, this wasn't a good way to spend the 32nd summer of my life. But, I am grateful for it. And, I am grateful for what I have, where I am now, etc. This hospital stay was tough physically, but it was also really rough emotionally because it was the first slap in the face that all of our planning for the chemo schedule was completely out of our control and that I still had to let the cancer and chemo have the reins on this part of the journey. I think that this hospital stay was the first time I really truly understood those things, and that I accepted them.

And, this brings me to the next topic. Tonight, the kids and I attended and worked an alumni vs current volleyball team game for GCC. Kim used to play for Glendale Community College, and the school and team have been unbelievably supportive of Kim and her family during her battle. Kim has asked me to attend these outings as an advocate, and I do what I can. Admittedly, tonight was tough since I had the kids with me, and Kevin (being three) doesn't want to listen. *sigh* Anyways, it got me thinking about how I really feel, being the one advocating for the cause, while Kim is lying in bed, dying. Because that's what's happening. The cancer has now spread throughout her body and it's uncontrollable. They are still maintaining, but I think it's only a matter of a few short weeks before the inevitable occurs. I heard things tonight that made me cringe, and thank my lucky stars that my doctor pushed me to go to the specialist, that Dr M pushed me to get the colonoscopy, and that my husband pushed me to go through with the test.

However, along with this gratefulness comes a sense of "why me" and a sense of guilt. I feel horrible standing there with Nan (Kim's mom), living life and being there with her and doing what I know she wishes Kim could do. I feel awful telling my story and knowing that I will have a happy ending, while Kim and her family won't. I feel horrible that her kids will have to grow up not knowing their mom, while I have the freedom to yell at my son a hundred times tonight for not listening to me (by the way, any help on this would be much appreciated - I need to get him to listen on the first try.....don't laugh at me...).

I mentioned this to Randi, one of Kim's good friends and someone that I have gotten to know a bit over the past couple of weeks. Randi has had her own fair share (more than, truthfully) of heartaches and pain, and talking with her, I felt able to tell her my guilt, my shame, my fear at being there tonight. She understands, and helped me to see that my being there is what Kim wants, what her family wants, and what I should be doing.

However, it's still so hard to see Nan there, talking with family and friends, answering the inevitable questions about Kim and her condition/prognosis. I feel a sense of surrealism in these situations, as if I am watching the scene from outside my body. It's almost as if I am acting in a play, and watching a taped version, because I inevitably critique myself after these events. Was I too pushy? Did I overstate my in-remission status, and did that upset Nan or anyone else b/c I'm where they want Kim to be? Did I do enough to tell people about the cause? Could I have done anything differently to be kinder, gentler, more compassionate to her family?

And, there's the anxiety I feel with being around the family. I know that comparing Kim's condition and mine is like the apples & oranges theory. Ours were the same cancer in name, but the similarities pretty much end there. Mine was caught early enough. Her's wasn't. They are both aggresive forms of colon cancer - that much is true. But, I was lucky that mine was caught before it had spread any further. She wasn't as lucky. I wonder if these are things that her family is thinking about when they see me - are they wondering why I am here instead of Kim? Do they wish our situations were reversed? I love her family - they have opened their hearts and their inner circle to me in ways that I couldn't imagine have been easy. They have given me a place within their support system to not only provide Kim with assistance, but to get help myself. It's a wonderful blessing to be considered a friend of theirs, and I will be forever grateful. But, I can't help but wonder what will happen if/when Kim passes - what kind of thoughts will they be thinking about me? How will this change their view of me? And, how will that change my view of myself? Is my being present at these things a blessing, or a curse for them?

I don't think I have the answers to any of these questions yet. I have to see what happens and go with it. That's what I've done so far, and that's all I can do now. Like the first portion of this journey, I have faith that I will have the strength to get through this and to endure.

Comments:

Heat said...

While I'm sure Kim's family all want Kim to live and be healthy, I can't imagine that they would want you to change places. I don't think they wish ill will upon you, and while I'm sure they wish Kim's story was more like your story, they really can't begrudge you for that.

I have worked hard (and continue to work) not to feel guilty about things that are not in my control. I teach children who live in complete poverty. It is not my fault they live in those conditions, and it is not my fault that I didn't. I will not feel guilt about it. I will do what I can to make their lives better. I will advocate for the poor and underserved. But I will not feel guilty.

Also ... it's funny how events are connected to hospital stays ... I remember laying in my hospital bed when Jordan Sparks became the new American Idol, and I laid and cried that Jordan got to be American Idol and I got to have cancer. (That still hits a tender part — I can't even type it without tearing up. Funny. I can talk about every other thing that happened to me while walking the cancer path without feeling sadness, but I can't talk about American Idol.)

Anyway, I hope that maybe that was a little bit helpful.

August 22, 2009 at 12:46 PM

AUGUST 20, 2009

Rant about the Health Care Issue at Hand

I know that, as an advocate for cancer awareness, I should be taking more time to research the changes that could/might be happening to our health care system. And, I'd like to. But, here's the thing. It's a 1000 page document. I don't have time to read the news. I barely have time to get through my emails - how am I going to wade through a thousand pages of legal jargon and mumbo-jumbo to try to get to the crux of what's happening?

I know that this is nothing to complain about - I am hopeful (perhaps optimistically, blindly so) that things will work out for the best. I have faith that our government (all of them) would only do what they think is best for all involved.

And, yet, here's where my cynicism comes in. How can they, being the people making the decision and laying down their vote in Congress, have the time to wade through all of this and get to the core of what this bill says. I am grateful that they are having these town-hall meetings, but how much do they really know about the bill? Again, being optimistic, I have the hope that the reps that are talking about this bill are able to speak intelligently about it. They seem to have good answers to this, and I am pleased with the responses that I have heard thus far to the complaints expressed (generally shouted) in these meetings.

Onto those responses and my rant - one of the things that irritates me about human nature and, in particular, the arrogance of Americans (no hate mail, please - I love this country like it's a family member) is that we feel that freedom of speech also gives us the freedom to be ignorant about the very things we speak of. My opinion is that you should only speak about what you know about - don't speak to something that you don't have any information on. This is one of the things that bothers me about the discussions about this health care plan. People are getting involved, talking about it, having what they feel are intelligent discussions about this issue, and yet, THEY DON'T HAVE ANY INFORMATION ON IT!!!! I have had more people come up to me and ask me what I think of the so-called "death panels". I did a little research and found out the truth about these death panels - they don't exist. Very easy to find this information out. Google it. If you can spell the words, you can find information. And, please be choosy about the information you choose to believe - if you truly feel that Joe-Bob's website with the misspellings and horrible grammar and obviously lacking-in-proof methods of explanation are the form of knowledge that you choose to believe in, please understand that others might not consider you an expert (or even vaguely informed) about the issue being discussed.

Shocking, I know, that in this day and age, I expect people to be (gasp!!!) informed about the very things they are talking about. This is something that has bothered me for ages, but I haven't had the forum to stand up on my proverbial soapbox and complain about it. So, you lucky people get to listen to me bitch.

Please, if you are going to talk about this issue (or, for that matter, ANY issue), do yourself a favor and make sure that you actually understand the issue at hand and have some intelligent arguments (logical and factual, not emotional) to back up your opinion and viewpoint.

And, I shall now descend from the soapbox. Thank you for your time. :-) You may now return to your regularly scheduled blog.

Comments:

Heat said...

I've spent too much time on Facebook. I'm looking for the "Like" button.

If there was one, I'd click it :)

August 22, 2009 at 12:48 PM

Later:

CCA Central AZ Update

We have a general membership meeting next weekend for the Colon Cancer Alliance - Central AZ chapter. It is our first general membership meeting, and I am hopeful that it will be a success. Please let me know if you'd like more information about this meeting, and I'll send you an email. Very exciting stuff!

I have been working events for CCA on Kim's behalf, and the kids and I will be at another one tomorrow night at Glendale Community College. I think it's going to be interesting, attending one of these with the kids, but I think it will be just fine. I am excited about reaching more people and having the kids there to reinforce for others how important this awareness and cause is. And, I think it's a good thing for Julia to see me in advocacy-mode, and to be there to learn about how this process goes. 

Also, I have stepped down as the co-chair of the chapter and taken on the PR board member position. There was a change in the membership and a resultant vacancy, which I decided to fill. I feel like this is a better fit for my personality and my talents, and I know that this is a good decision because I am excited about this, again. I haven't been for a while, and I think this is a good move. 

What else? Regarding CCA, I think that's about it. More in a bit....

AUGUST 18, 2009

We're back!

I won't go into much detail about everything yet, but suffice it to say that the trip was too short. The wedding was gorgeous. Seeing the kids and the family was great. Seeing my husband was beyond words, as was leaving him yesterday and not knowing when I am going to see him again. My heart is still in pieces, and I'm hoping that time will help heal the hurt in my chest.

I will say that it was a wonderful weekend that I wish could have lasted about four times longer. But, alas, Julia must start school before I get turned into CPS for not sending her there. And, I have to get back to work.

*sigh*

Anyone have a job for my hubby? Anyone?

We'll be fine......we'll be fine.....we'll be fine....

AUGUST 11, 2009

VACATION, BABY!

As of about three minutes from now, I am on vacation. I am shutting off the computer, heading to the bubble bath with a glass of wine, a good book (the last Harry Potter), and getting ready for a 5-day chaotic, wonderful, fun, crazy, silly, and melancholy (because I can't bring Levi home with me) trip. I can't wait for it to start, but I know that no sooner will it start than it will end.

Adios 'til then - will post tidbits on twitter and facebook, but I plan to be detoxing from facebook, email and all 'til I get back. Will it work? Who knows.....

But, the effort is there.

Comments:

Whidbey Woman said...

Good for you. I am afraid I am becoming addicted to the computer....

August 11, 2009 at 8:35 PM

 Carol Urban said...

Yay! Good for you (and Levi)!

August 13, 2009 at 1:43 AM

AUGUST 9, 2009

Weekend Recap

Friday night: i[2]y event (I'm Too Young For This). AWESOME. Freakin' awesome. Met some people that I've been in touch with but unable to meet up with personally. Unbelievable group of people. Can't wait to go forward and see where this will take us/me. So exciting.

Saturday morning - slept in, and wasn't supposed to. Got to Kim's Volleyball event a little late, but it was all good. Got to see/meet tons of others that adore Kim and had a wonderful time getting to know Randi, Sammy, etc. It was great. Afterwards, we took the money and the cards and our energy and headed up to see Kim, and she was so glad to see us. I can't wait to see the pictures on the website.

Saturday night - had dinner with a good friend that I haven't seen in ages. Too long, to be sure. So good to see him, and it was a wonderfully relaxing dinner/evening. Can't wait to do it again.

Today, got the house cleaned, and working on getting packed. Need to look at the weather and figure out what to take.

Whew - getting tired. When's vacation?

Comments:

Amanda: said...

vacation is now!! enjoy :)

August 11, 2009 at 6:28 PM

AUGUST 6, 2009

Mommy's House?

When the kids are here and we get into the car, Kevin inevitably asks, "I go Papa's house?" He loves going over to his Nana's and Papa's, and it's a disappointment when he can't go over there. It's a question I have come to expect from him and usually try to stave off with an explanation as we head out the door of the house as to where we are going.

This morning, my Dad called me to tell me that for the past couple of days, anytime he and Kevin get into the car, Kevin's first question is, "I go Mommy's house?"

ARGH! So heartbreaking. I can't wait to see my kids next week. I am missing them something awful. It's been good for me emotionally, mentally, etc. to be alone for a while, but I am REALLY looking forward to being together with my husband and my kids next week.

Comments:

Amanda: said...

You guys are gonna be so excited to be together again! We'll be happy dancing with you :)

August 7, 2009 at 7:34 AM

AUGUST 3, 2009

Kim's got new pics up, and emotional me....

and, I saw her yesterday. She's doing so well. I was terrified this weekend b/c I hadn't heard anything from her mom or Erin, and I was thinking the worst. Instead, she has had a wonderful weekend, and I hope this upward trend stays the course. She looked wonderful when I saw her yesterday - we actually took a walk (well, I pushed her) around the floor and downstairs to the main level, which she hasn't seen since she got there. Big day, overall. Check out her blog for more pictures and updates. I am SO proud of her.

Emotional day for me today - I think part of it's hormones, but I think another part of it is that I realized this morning that my brother's getting married next week. Overall, emotional for that because I am so happy for him. But, when I was diagnosed, this was one event that I didn't want to miss, and it pissed me off to think that this cancer could somehow ruin my brother's big day. And, now that it's here, I can't believe that I've made it. This is a goal that I set when I was first diagnosed (go back to my earliest posts, and you'll see that this is something I blogged about a few times), and it literally just hit me this morning that this is here.

So, I did it. I beat cancer and I WILL make it to my brother's wedding. I will stand up for him and Ashley, in front of friends and family. I will walk down the aisle with my husband and my kid and I will be there to support my family and celebrate this growing of our family.

And, I couldn't be happier about this.

Yes, I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. As I said, I'm emotional today (I also just finished looking at Kim's blog, so that isn't helping...), but I think this is a pretty big accomplishment. And proof positive, again, that I kicked colon cancer's ass.

I RULE!!!

Comments:

Amanda: said...

You'll have an even better time at the wedding because you've EARNED your chance to be there for it - with your blood, sweat and tears. Way to go, you!!!

August 3, 2009 at 11:11 AM

 Tina said...

Congratulations! You made it! I hope and pray you'll have a WONDERFUL time with your family. You SO deserve it!! (and you made me cry too!)
Tina :-)))

August 3, 2009 at 12:07 PM

 Heat said...

I am so excited for you!! I have a short list of things that I cried when I knew I'd be able to do it, or while I was doing it. (I cried in the middle of my triathlon.) Finally: happy tears from this ordeal.

August 3, 2009 at 9:59 PM

 Denise said...

Enjoyed your blog!

Another cancer survivor

August 5, 2009 at 6:43 AM