...get
kicked when it hurts the most. That's what it feels like. I know that things
aren't as bad as I'm making them out to be, but right now, well, things feel
pretty gosh darned sucky.
After a rough day yesterday and a long, very restless night, I went to work today and was gratefully swamped with work. I was able to keep my mind busy and away from thoughts of yesterday (mostly). And, I was looking forward to a night with the kids - I got pizza, ice cream, was planning to spend a night playing CandyLand and then, once they were sleeping, take a nice, long, hot, steamy bath and some comtemplative thinking.
No no - fate, that bitch, had other plans. I got home tonight and my A/C is out. Are you freaking kidding me? It was 87 in my house when I got home, and by the time I left, 89. The irony? About this time last year, in the midst of chemo, same damn thing happened.
I have a call into the A/C repair place, who was wonderfully kind and honestly a refreshing change from what I was expecting. She remembered me from last year, placed the phone call to the home warranty company on my behalf, and has her husband (a.k.a., her tech) coming at 8am tomorrow to check things out.
Now, admittedly, I don't have much to complain about. I called my parents and got permission to stay at their house - once it cooled down. 101 when I walked in, but thank goodness their A/C was working. Because of this, I am blessed enough to be able to hang out with the kids in the air-conditioned bliss. I am able to sit here and type this out, and I know that this makes me a horrible, awful, ungrateul person for having the feelings of anger, disgust, and plain old bitchiness-extraordinaire that I am currently working through.
I have already had people tell me to remember the good things that I have, and blah blah blah. I do - don't get me wrong...especially in light of things happening yesterday and knowing that there are so many others out there suffering SO MUCH more than I could ever imagine, I am grateful for what I have and how lucky I am.
However, when you are feeling this bitchy, that's the last thing I want to hear. Here I am, worrying about the family of my friend that dies yesterday. I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll never get to know Kim better - that somehow, I'll have to learn who she was before cancer from her friends and family. I am still trying to come to terms with the fact tha I saw someone I love DIE yesterday, in front of my face. And, then, as if I needed another kick to the stomach, the A/C is out.
First thing through my head - I looked right up at the sky and fairly-well shouted..... REALLY?!?!?! I haven't spoken much about my relationship with God here - I don't know that I want to, but I'm feeling particularly plucky tonight, so here goes. Right now, God and I are on the outs. Oh yes, I said it. I am pissed at the Almighty. Why? Because I want to know where the hell he is planning to take my life. Why was I chosen for this? Isn't one or two or a hundred tragedies enough? (Yes, there's some sarcasm here - deal with it.) Isn't it enough that the last 18 months have been strife with anxiety, stress, worry? I am so sick of feeling like I can't let my guard down. I am constantly on the lookout for the next THING to happen. As soon as I have a chance to sit and breathe and calm down and relax and just enjoy, I get hit with something. Sometimes, it's easily handled. Oftentimes, I feel like someone upstairs has a horrible mean-streak and is doing everything they can to see how far I can be pushed before I completely and totally lose my mind and just go nuts.
I have heard, more often that I care to admit, that things happen for a reason, and that you are only given what you can handle. What I don't care for about that first statement is that I am sick of things happening, then no reason becomes apparent. Hmmmm.....sometimes, I can look back and see the reason. But, when you are in the midst of these things happening, logic like that doesn't help. No, no, it makes it worse. And, the next statement - about making you stronger. Well, here's the thing with that. I keep getting faced with these things.....and, I make it through. The only downside of that is that it makes me stronger so I can handle the next little piece of hell that gets thrown at me.
How 'bout thowing that lovely, hot, burning piece of real estate hell some other direction? Just once? For fun?
Someone yesterday said that they needed to have a "Come to Jesus" talk with Jesus. I said that I've been having them for a year and a half - he isn't listening. Someone today told me that he is listening, but only answering what needs to be answered.
Here's my thought - I don't want to handle what he's preparing me for. Logically, if this stuff (shit is the word I'd use here, but whatever) is preparing me for something, then it makes sense that the "something" that's coming is worse than what I am going through.
NO THANK YOU!!!!
How did I get drafted for this, and how do I put in my resignation - effective immediately? I'm ready to resign. I'm tired and upset and angry. Like I said, I can't let my guard down. Ever. That's extremely exhausting. And I'm SO fucking over it.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know why these things keep happening to me and my family. And, I don't know why I feel like I can't handle them. I know that Kevin and Julia feed off my stress, and tonight would have been one of those nights where the stress was dripping off me like the sweat was. I can't handle the stress, the situation, and Kevin acting up. I can't. I don't know how. Julia becomes clingy and lovey-dovey (this kind of situation usually means that I have to answer "Mommy, I love you..." about 50 times, which is nice to hear but irritating because she's kissing my ass), and Kevin becomes three-year-old-monster-from-the-depths-of-hell. Tonight involved screaming at the top of his vocal chords because I told him to come here, falling to the ground in the parking lot, telling me "Mommy, NO!" several times, hitting me, etc. It also included a few butt-smacks (yes, in Wal-Mart.....) until we got the pecking order back together. I don't want to do it, but I am not going to have a child act like that.
And, why's he acting like that? Because I'm an A-plus number one bitch.
*sigh* I can't keep doing this. I am so tired - exhausted, emotionally and physically and just drained completely from head to toe.
Here's hoping tomorrow's a brighter day. I'm not holding out any high hopes - the way this is going, I am just holding out hope that the cats are still alive when I get there. I will consider that a win. (I set them up with cold water, food, and several fans for them to lay in front of...)
And, a formal apology to my husband - I was wrong to yell at you and I was wrong to take out my stress on you. However, you are my husband, and should expect this from my by now. Love you. Missing you, especially tonight. I need someone here to talk with, and all I have is this computer. I don't want to call anyone to burden them with this, because it's honestly a small, trivial matter, and tomorrow I'll read this and wonder where my head was tonight. But, right now, I need you here with me, to talk me through this and help me with my stress and just take some of this off me.
Is there any chance that my 34th year will be easier? Is that too much to ask?
*sigh*
After a rough day yesterday and a long, very restless night, I went to work today and was gratefully swamped with work. I was able to keep my mind busy and away from thoughts of yesterday (mostly). And, I was looking forward to a night with the kids - I got pizza, ice cream, was planning to spend a night playing CandyLand and then, once they were sleeping, take a nice, long, hot, steamy bath and some comtemplative thinking.
No no - fate, that bitch, had other plans. I got home tonight and my A/C is out. Are you freaking kidding me? It was 87 in my house when I got home, and by the time I left, 89. The irony? About this time last year, in the midst of chemo, same damn thing happened.
I have a call into the A/C repair place, who was wonderfully kind and honestly a refreshing change from what I was expecting. She remembered me from last year, placed the phone call to the home warranty company on my behalf, and has her husband (a.k.a., her tech) coming at 8am tomorrow to check things out.
Now, admittedly, I don't have much to complain about. I called my parents and got permission to stay at their house - once it cooled down. 101 when I walked in, but thank goodness their A/C was working. Because of this, I am blessed enough to be able to hang out with the kids in the air-conditioned bliss. I am able to sit here and type this out, and I know that this makes me a horrible, awful, ungrateul person for having the feelings of anger, disgust, and plain old bitchiness-extraordinaire that I am currently working through.
I have already had people tell me to remember the good things that I have, and blah blah blah. I do - don't get me wrong...especially in light of things happening yesterday and knowing that there are so many others out there suffering SO MUCH more than I could ever imagine, I am grateful for what I have and how lucky I am.
However, when you are feeling this bitchy, that's the last thing I want to hear. Here I am, worrying about the family of my friend that dies yesterday. I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that I'll never get to know Kim better - that somehow, I'll have to learn who she was before cancer from her friends and family. I am still trying to come to terms with the fact tha I saw someone I love DIE yesterday, in front of my face. And, then, as if I needed another kick to the stomach, the A/C is out.
First thing through my head - I looked right up at the sky and fairly-well shouted..... REALLY?!?!?! I haven't spoken much about my relationship with God here - I don't know that I want to, but I'm feeling particularly plucky tonight, so here goes. Right now, God and I are on the outs. Oh yes, I said it. I am pissed at the Almighty. Why? Because I want to know where the hell he is planning to take my life. Why was I chosen for this? Isn't one or two or a hundred tragedies enough? (Yes, there's some sarcasm here - deal with it.) Isn't it enough that the last 18 months have been strife with anxiety, stress, worry? I am so sick of feeling like I can't let my guard down. I am constantly on the lookout for the next THING to happen. As soon as I have a chance to sit and breathe and calm down and relax and just enjoy, I get hit with something. Sometimes, it's easily handled. Oftentimes, I feel like someone upstairs has a horrible mean-streak and is doing everything they can to see how far I can be pushed before I completely and totally lose my mind and just go nuts.
I have heard, more often that I care to admit, that things happen for a reason, and that you are only given what you can handle. What I don't care for about that first statement is that I am sick of things happening, then no reason becomes apparent. Hmmmm.....sometimes, I can look back and see the reason. But, when you are in the midst of these things happening, logic like that doesn't help. No, no, it makes it worse. And, the next statement - about making you stronger. Well, here's the thing with that. I keep getting faced with these things.....and, I make it through. The only downside of that is that it makes me stronger so I can handle the next little piece of hell that gets thrown at me.
How 'bout thowing that lovely, hot, burning piece of real estate hell some other direction? Just once? For fun?
Someone yesterday said that they needed to have a "Come to Jesus" talk with Jesus. I said that I've been having them for a year and a half - he isn't listening. Someone today told me that he is listening, but only answering what needs to be answered.
Here's my thought - I don't want to handle what he's preparing me for. Logically, if this stuff (shit is the word I'd use here, but whatever) is preparing me for something, then it makes sense that the "something" that's coming is worse than what I am going through.
NO THANK YOU!!!!
How did I get drafted for this, and how do I put in my resignation - effective immediately? I'm ready to resign. I'm tired and upset and angry. Like I said, I can't let my guard down. Ever. That's extremely exhausting. And I'm SO fucking over it.
I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know why these things keep happening to me and my family. And, I don't know why I feel like I can't handle them. I know that Kevin and Julia feed off my stress, and tonight would have been one of those nights where the stress was dripping off me like the sweat was. I can't handle the stress, the situation, and Kevin acting up. I can't. I don't know how. Julia becomes clingy and lovey-dovey (this kind of situation usually means that I have to answer "Mommy, I love you..." about 50 times, which is nice to hear but irritating because she's kissing my ass), and Kevin becomes three-year-old-monster-from-the-depths-of-hell. Tonight involved screaming at the top of his vocal chords because I told him to come here, falling to the ground in the parking lot, telling me "Mommy, NO!" several times, hitting me, etc. It also included a few butt-smacks (yes, in Wal-Mart.....) until we got the pecking order back together. I don't want to do it, but I am not going to have a child act like that.
And, why's he acting like that? Because I'm an A-plus number one bitch.
*sigh* I can't keep doing this. I am so tired - exhausted, emotionally and physically and just drained completely from head to toe.
Here's hoping tomorrow's a brighter day. I'm not holding out any high hopes - the way this is going, I am just holding out hope that the cats are still alive when I get there. I will consider that a win. (I set them up with cold water, food, and several fans for them to lay in front of...)
And, a formal apology to my husband - I was wrong to yell at you and I was wrong to take out my stress on you. However, you are my husband, and should expect this from my by now. Love you. Missing you, especially tonight. I need someone here to talk with, and all I have is this computer. I don't want to call anyone to burden them with this, because it's honestly a small, trivial matter, and tomorrow I'll read this and wonder where my head was tonight. But, right now, I need you here with me, to talk me through this and help me with my stress and just take some of this off me.
Is there any chance that my 34th year will be easier? Is that too much to ask?
*sigh*
Comments:
Nancy said...
oh
sweetie....it breaks my heart to hear you so down....and I don't want to preach
to you..but I know its not God handing you all this hell....think about it
,this is the way the devil works.when you are down kick her more.he moves you
away from God that way,I don't want to hurt your feelings but talk to your
doctor about all the stress you are under.you could be need something to help
you deal with it all.sometimes we are missing something in our system and it
would be a great idea to check with them.And never say the problem is too small
to call and talk to someone..I am here no matter what.and sometimes it helps to
see things better to get it off your chest and shoulders.Please call me no
matter when or what baby I have a strong shoulder to help you the best I can.I
love you Michelle..and so does God...just look at those two babies....you know
you are blessed
xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo
xoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxo
August
29, 2009 at 6:06 AM
Sorry
you are having such a rough time! But I KNOW you will get through it! I'll be
praying that you have some easy times ahead. Life just really sucks
sometimes...but great will our reward in heaven be, and if you are a believer
you don't have to walk it alone.
You are doing an AMAZING job of being a single mom--don't be too hard on yourself!! I hope you and your husband can be together as a family again real soon.
Thanks for being an advocate, thanks for being there for Kim--even in her last moments--, and thanks for being my inspiration to kick this cancer!!
Hugs from Minnesota!
Tina
You are doing an AMAZING job of being a single mom--don't be too hard on yourself!! I hope you and your husband can be together as a family again real soon.
Thanks for being an advocate, thanks for being there for Kim--even in her last moments--, and thanks for being my inspiration to kick this cancer!!
Hugs from Minnesota!
Tina
August
29, 2009 at 2:52 PM
I
get pissed when people say, "God won't bring you to it if he can't get you
through it." People say that when they've never had bad things happen to
them.
I totally relate to how you're feeling right now.
I totally relate to how you're feeling right now.
August
30, 2009 at 5:47 PM
I
think anyone in your position would have similar feelings. The music minister
at my parents church is a young adult cancer survivor and he once spoke about
how it's the little things that really set you over the edge. The cancer
diagnosis, grim prognosis, treatment, remission, etc he could deal with; but
the "little things" would be what threw him for a loop.
August
31, 2009 at 7:57 AM
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