Well,
today starts my chemotherapy and radiation regimen to KILL this bastard
cancer.
Can you tell that, this time, I'm angry? Not at life, or at the "why's", but at this cancer.
It needs to die.
In order to do this, I need to take more chemo, and undergo radiation. When I look into the eyes of my children, when I think about all that my husband and I have to do together, when I think about the many, many things that I have to do in this world....I get angry.
Game on, cancer. You are going down.
I'm emotional about this next battle. I didn't ever expect to have to go through radiation. It was kind of this distant potential, this thing that I *may* have to use later...much later. I didn't think it would be used so soon in this fight, although I suppose that term is relative.
I cried when I signed in for my radiation simulation on Tuesday. I couldn't help it - there was this sense of finality, of fear of the unknown, an almost doom-like sensation. Crossing the threshold into the radiation area started the tears again, but CTCA is a special place. The nurses, even Dr. Chong, hugged me, allowed me to experience the emotions, and then walked me through the procedure.
When I think about it, this May marks five years since my original diagnosis. And, next week marks one year since my rediagnosis. It's hard to imagine it's been a year, and yet, it somehow seems like this has been going on forever.
But, I'm still here. I'm still fighting, and more importantly, I'M STILL LIVING!
After all, that's what I'm fighting for. Yes, I'm fighting for my life, but what good is your life if you're not living.
That's what I hope to teach my children. Life isn't about the stuff you accumulate. It's about doing what you love, what you want, and making sure you don't end a single day with regrets, with "what if's". You have to do what you want, when you want it.
And, I will. I will continue to live my life, in spite of the cancer. Or, because of it. Either way, I feel like living my life out loud, in a "balls to the wall" manner, and making sure that I enjoy every minute is my way to flip off cancer, and to prove that, while it's changed my life, it hasn't ended it.
Here's to living today. No qualifications, no rules, no regrets. Just....live. Live the hell out of this life we have.
Can you tell that, this time, I'm angry? Not at life, or at the "why's", but at this cancer.
It needs to die.
In order to do this, I need to take more chemo, and undergo radiation. When I look into the eyes of my children, when I think about all that my husband and I have to do together, when I think about the many, many things that I have to do in this world....I get angry.
Game on, cancer. You are going down.
I'm emotional about this next battle. I didn't ever expect to have to go through radiation. It was kind of this distant potential, this thing that I *may* have to use later...much later. I didn't think it would be used so soon in this fight, although I suppose that term is relative.
I cried when I signed in for my radiation simulation on Tuesday. I couldn't help it - there was this sense of finality, of fear of the unknown, an almost doom-like sensation. Crossing the threshold into the radiation area started the tears again, but CTCA is a special place. The nurses, even Dr. Chong, hugged me, allowed me to experience the emotions, and then walked me through the procedure.
When I think about it, this May marks five years since my original diagnosis. And, next week marks one year since my rediagnosis. It's hard to imagine it's been a year, and yet, it somehow seems like this has been going on forever.
But, I'm still here. I'm still fighting, and more importantly, I'M STILL LIVING!
After all, that's what I'm fighting for. Yes, I'm fighting for my life, but what good is your life if you're not living.
That's what I hope to teach my children. Life isn't about the stuff you accumulate. It's about doing what you love, what you want, and making sure you don't end a single day with regrets, with "what if's". You have to do what you want, when you want it.
And, I will. I will continue to live my life, in spite of the cancer. Or, because of it. Either way, I feel like living my life out loud, in a "balls to the wall" manner, and making sure that I enjoy every minute is my way to flip off cancer, and to prove that, while it's changed my life, it hasn't ended it.
Here's to living today. No qualifications, no rules, no regrets. Just....live. Live the hell out of this life we have.
Comments:
I'm
Nic. said...
Your
optimism, spirit and attitude needs to be bottled and widely distributed.
The world would be a better place.
Good luck and I think of you often. :)
The world would be a better place.
Good luck and I think of you often. :)
March
14, 2013 at 7:49 AM
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