I saw a
post on another blog about being single and dealing with cancer. While I can't
speak to that experience, I can speak to being a parent and dealing with
cancer. I thought it might be worth while to tell you how we/I deal with/dealth
with my cancer. And, the explanation to the kids.
Julia had celebrated her 6th birthday in April. Kevin's 2nd birthday was just a week away. I was diagnosed with cancer. My biggest fear, after the obvious concern about life and death, was how I was going to talk with my kids about cancer. My mom, Levi and I spoke about this a bit, and we knew that with Julia, the less details would be better. We didn't want to lie to her, and we didn't want to NOT tell her the truth by sugar-coating it, but I did need to have her understand why so much was going to change.
In kindergarten, Julia learned about germs, sickness, the immune system, etc. At the time of my diagnosis, she was constantly asking about germs, and whether something was going to make her sick, etc. So, I took that lead, and plagairized a bit from a Disney/Pixar movie that my son was watching a hundred times a day at the time, and told Julia that Mommy had cancer.
The conversation went something like this:
You know how germs make you sick? Yup.
Well, cancer is like REALLY bad germs inside Mommy's body that make her sick. The doctor is going to take the cancer out of Mommy's body during surgery, so I'll be pretty sore for a while, and you'll get to visit me in the hospital.
(Luckily, if you can call it that, she remembered my gall bladder surgery and the C-Section a few years earlier, so she could relate to this.)
She was okay with this - with my mom coming down to stay with us, there wasn't too much change to the kids schedule - they stayed at daycare during the day, and either Mom or Levi picked them up at night.
Once we knew I was going to have chemo, we sat Julia down again and explained to her that there were still some of the germs insde my body, and the doctor was going to give me a medicine to make me better, like the medicine the doctor gave her when she was sick. So far, this made sense to her. Then came the hard part - I had to try to explain to her that this medicine was going to make Mommy sick. Ack.
So, taking a cue from the movie Toy Story, we told Julia that the chemo was like little green army men that were going to be in my body, waging a war against the cancer cells. Because they were going to have a war in there, it was going to get tough on Mommy, and her body was going to be run down. I might lose my hair, I might be really tired, and I might get sick. but, this meant that the drugs were working. And, you know what - she was okay with this. My mom had the brilliant idea of picking up a bag of little green army men (complete with tanks) that we could all carry with us. To this day, I have three little army men on my desk at work, as a reminder of what I have been through. Julia cleaned out her desk at school the other day, and I noticed that she had army men in her mess of school-stuff. Julia kept these army men at her desk, and she would bring them out on the weeks that I had chemo. The teachers could always tell when it was a chemo week, because her demeanor would change and she would become quiet and much more emotional. However, having the army men on her desk seemed to help her.
She has since asked me questions - how did the cancer get there? I have thus far dodged the tough ones that I have been dreading - will the cancer come back? -will I get cancer? -will you die?
I have to say that I think she has handled this really well. Kevin wasn't old enough to really understand cancer and what that meant. For that, I am grateful. Julia, though, understands and tells people that she meets that her Mommy had chemo-cancer (this is what she calls it) and beat it. :-) Julia has taken this in stride, and we were fortunate enough to have family and friend support in a manner that allowed the kids to be kids during this, rather than forcing them to become caregivers, etc. The most beautiful thing about this journey has been seeing that my kids were allowed to keep a fairly normal schedule.
There are still some concers that I have about the kids. What kind of effect is this going to have, long-term, on them? How will they see me, themselves, etc. in the future, as they learn more about cancer in school? When will those hard questions come up (because I know they will)?
I wonder how others have handled explaining cancer to their young children? And, how they handle it as the kids grow older. I went to the library after I was diagnosed, trying to find books that would help me in explaining this to my children. There were some - not many, that I could find. And, most of them revolved around breast cancer, which, while a worthy cause, doesn't always translate well to other cancers.
I think this is a topic that needs to be addressed. The Wellness Community has several programs dealing with this, and I haven't had the chance to attend them. I think I might, in the future. My kids will always have a mom who kicked cancer's ass - that will never stop or change. And, I have the sincerest hope that, in some way, this has a positive effect on them. I know Julia thinks it's normal for Mommies to have chemo-cancer, and to win. I also know that at some point, I might have to tell her that not all Mommies win, but I'll cross that bridge when the time comes. For now, I am happy to have my children live in a world where everyone that battles cancer beats it, and continues to live life to the fullest. It's a wonderful dream, and hopefully a world that isn't that far off.
Julia had celebrated her 6th birthday in April. Kevin's 2nd birthday was just a week away. I was diagnosed with cancer. My biggest fear, after the obvious concern about life and death, was how I was going to talk with my kids about cancer. My mom, Levi and I spoke about this a bit, and we knew that with Julia, the less details would be better. We didn't want to lie to her, and we didn't want to NOT tell her the truth by sugar-coating it, but I did need to have her understand why so much was going to change.
In kindergarten, Julia learned about germs, sickness, the immune system, etc. At the time of my diagnosis, she was constantly asking about germs, and whether something was going to make her sick, etc. So, I took that lead, and plagairized a bit from a Disney/Pixar movie that my son was watching a hundred times a day at the time, and told Julia that Mommy had cancer.
The conversation went something like this:
You know how germs make you sick? Yup.
Well, cancer is like REALLY bad germs inside Mommy's body that make her sick. The doctor is going to take the cancer out of Mommy's body during surgery, so I'll be pretty sore for a while, and you'll get to visit me in the hospital.
(Luckily, if you can call it that, she remembered my gall bladder surgery and the C-Section a few years earlier, so she could relate to this.)
She was okay with this - with my mom coming down to stay with us, there wasn't too much change to the kids schedule - they stayed at daycare during the day, and either Mom or Levi picked them up at night.
Once we knew I was going to have chemo, we sat Julia down again and explained to her that there were still some of the germs insde my body, and the doctor was going to give me a medicine to make me better, like the medicine the doctor gave her when she was sick. So far, this made sense to her. Then came the hard part - I had to try to explain to her that this medicine was going to make Mommy sick. Ack.
So, taking a cue from the movie Toy Story, we told Julia that the chemo was like little green army men that were going to be in my body, waging a war against the cancer cells. Because they were going to have a war in there, it was going to get tough on Mommy, and her body was going to be run down. I might lose my hair, I might be really tired, and I might get sick. but, this meant that the drugs were working. And, you know what - she was okay with this. My mom had the brilliant idea of picking up a bag of little green army men (complete with tanks) that we could all carry with us. To this day, I have three little army men on my desk at work, as a reminder of what I have been through. Julia cleaned out her desk at school the other day, and I noticed that she had army men in her mess of school-stuff. Julia kept these army men at her desk, and she would bring them out on the weeks that I had chemo. The teachers could always tell when it was a chemo week, because her demeanor would change and she would become quiet and much more emotional. However, having the army men on her desk seemed to help her.
She has since asked me questions - how did the cancer get there? I have thus far dodged the tough ones that I have been dreading - will the cancer come back? -will I get cancer? -will you die?
I have to say that I think she has handled this really well. Kevin wasn't old enough to really understand cancer and what that meant. For that, I am grateful. Julia, though, understands and tells people that she meets that her Mommy had chemo-cancer (this is what she calls it) and beat it. :-) Julia has taken this in stride, and we were fortunate enough to have family and friend support in a manner that allowed the kids to be kids during this, rather than forcing them to become caregivers, etc. The most beautiful thing about this journey has been seeing that my kids were allowed to keep a fairly normal schedule.
There are still some concers that I have about the kids. What kind of effect is this going to have, long-term, on them? How will they see me, themselves, etc. in the future, as they learn more about cancer in school? When will those hard questions come up (because I know they will)?
I wonder how others have handled explaining cancer to their young children? And, how they handle it as the kids grow older. I went to the library after I was diagnosed, trying to find books that would help me in explaining this to my children. There were some - not many, that I could find. And, most of them revolved around breast cancer, which, while a worthy cause, doesn't always translate well to other cancers.
I think this is a topic that needs to be addressed. The Wellness Community has several programs dealing with this, and I haven't had the chance to attend them. I think I might, in the future. My kids will always have a mom who kicked cancer's ass - that will never stop or change. And, I have the sincerest hope that, in some way, this has a positive effect on them. I know Julia thinks it's normal for Mommies to have chemo-cancer, and to win. I also know that at some point, I might have to tell her that not all Mommies win, but I'll cross that bridge when the time comes. For now, I am happy to have my children live in a world where everyone that battles cancer beats it, and continues to live life to the fullest. It's a wonderful dream, and hopefully a world that isn't that far off.
Comments:
Carol
Urban said...
I
found it extremely difficult to tell my sons and they are adults!
Ralph, my oldest, was 24 when I was diagnosed two years ago. He was the first person I saw after the consultation with the surgeon who told me I didn't have long to live.
He gave me a big hug and said, "Mom, we are gonna beat this!" And we did.
It was harder with my youngest, Joe. I drove to his house and spent a few hours with Chrystal and the kids. When he came in I told him I had something important to say which I couldn't do over the phone.
When I told him I had cancer he turned around and walked out the door and went out to work on his truck. That was his way of working it out. He didn't say another thing. I went out and hugged him and told him I loved him.
I think it was especially hard on them hearing that their mother had cancer.
Ralph, my oldest, was 24 when I was diagnosed two years ago. He was the first person I saw after the consultation with the surgeon who told me I didn't have long to live.
He gave me a big hug and said, "Mom, we are gonna beat this!" And we did.
It was harder with my youngest, Joe. I drove to his house and spent a few hours with Chrystal and the kids. When he came in I told him I had something important to say which I couldn't do over the phone.
When I told him I had cancer he turned around and walked out the door and went out to work on his truck. That was his way of working it out. He didn't say another thing. I went out and hugged him and told him I loved him.
I think it was especially hard on them hearing that their mother had cancer.
May
21, 2009 at 6:04 PM
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