Today, I
feel very much like I did in the days immediately following my
original diagnosis in May of 2008. I didn't know what I didn't know, and
that terrified me. I made a conscious choice back then to *not* look at
treatment options, etc., on google or other sites, and I've done the same this
time around.
The difference today is that I know enough about what *might* be coming that I'm terrified. Having gone through this twice now, I know that this potential new cancer will likely have a significant impact on my lifespan.
This terrifies me, more than I can tell you.
I understand enough about cancer in general to recognize that battling two cancers is difficult, at best. I understand that there are going to be questions that no one is going to have answers to, and I hate that. I want to have a game plan NOW, and we don't. I want to know what I'm facing, and I can't possibly have an idea.
I don't like that.
So, I'm trying to take each moment as it comes to me. I'm doing my damndest to not panic, and to not do what I most want to do, which is curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. I fully expect that I will do this later today, as I can feel it building. I also want to find out what the treatment options are, what we could be looking at based on the size of the mass, but I can't. Doing so is just going to bring up more questions that I don't have answers to, and seems like it will be counterproductive.
Instead, I'm trying to get through today without vomiting. My panic and worry and fear has kicked nausea in, big time, and I've been medicating with some mild anti-nausea meds to try to keep things in check. (Thank you, also, to peppermint and lavender essential oils, peppermint gum, and water.....lots of water...)
We all just finished cleaning the house, and I'm about ready to jump in a warm shower and try to relax. I'm hopeful that this will help calm me down. On second thought, I may go for a walk before I shower. That's a better option.
Keep me in your thoughts, please. I'm definitely struggling this time around, and I need the support. I hate this, more than I can tell you. I can't even put to words how much I hate this.
One of the things I'm most terrified of doing is telling Julia and Kevin about this newest find. I just don't want to do it. At all. Ever.
She's going to be devastated. I hate being the cause of such pain and suffering for my children, for my family. I wish I could just stop it all, and have this be over. We all desperately need a break from this medical nightmare we've been living in for the past 5 years....
The difference today is that I know enough about what *might* be coming that I'm terrified. Having gone through this twice now, I know that this potential new cancer will likely have a significant impact on my lifespan.
This terrifies me, more than I can tell you.
I understand enough about cancer in general to recognize that battling two cancers is difficult, at best. I understand that there are going to be questions that no one is going to have answers to, and I hate that. I want to have a game plan NOW, and we don't. I want to know what I'm facing, and I can't possibly have an idea.
I don't like that.
So, I'm trying to take each moment as it comes to me. I'm doing my damndest to not panic, and to not do what I most want to do, which is curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. I fully expect that I will do this later today, as I can feel it building. I also want to find out what the treatment options are, what we could be looking at based on the size of the mass, but I can't. Doing so is just going to bring up more questions that I don't have answers to, and seems like it will be counterproductive.
Instead, I'm trying to get through today without vomiting. My panic and worry and fear has kicked nausea in, big time, and I've been medicating with some mild anti-nausea meds to try to keep things in check. (Thank you, also, to peppermint and lavender essential oils, peppermint gum, and water.....lots of water...)
We all just finished cleaning the house, and I'm about ready to jump in a warm shower and try to relax. I'm hopeful that this will help calm me down. On second thought, I may go for a walk before I shower. That's a better option.
Keep me in your thoughts, please. I'm definitely struggling this time around, and I need the support. I hate this, more than I can tell you. I can't even put to words how much I hate this.
One of the things I'm most terrified of doing is telling Julia and Kevin about this newest find. I just don't want to do it. At all. Ever.
She's going to be devastated. I hate being the cause of such pain and suffering for my children, for my family. I wish I could just stop it all, and have this be over. We all desperately need a break from this medical nightmare we've been living in for the past 5 years....
Comments:
Caroline said...
Your
latest medical news totally sucks, I agree completely. But, do not regret and
rue anything you did or didn't do. You can't undo the past.
I find that the worst time is knowing what you know and not having a treatment plan in terms of coping. I think you see your doctor tomorrow? All I can suggest is do something totally normal this evening - a family scrabble game, make cookies as a group, or something that is fun and will distract you.
Cancer sucks. I had my first cancer diagnosis over 30 years ago. I was stage I. I have a friend who was diagnosed over 30 years ago as well - she had stage IV ovarian cancer.
Yes I know everyone is different and you have had many medical adventures which complicate your diagnosis. But nothing is guaranteed in life - and just because you have cancer again doesn't mean it is going to kill you.
Hang in there. Big hugs.
I find that the worst time is knowing what you know and not having a treatment plan in terms of coping. I think you see your doctor tomorrow? All I can suggest is do something totally normal this evening - a family scrabble game, make cookies as a group, or something that is fun and will distract you.
Cancer sucks. I had my first cancer diagnosis over 30 years ago. I was stage I. I have a friend who was diagnosed over 30 years ago as well - she had stage IV ovarian cancer.
Yes I know everyone is different and you have had many medical adventures which complicate your diagnosis. But nothing is guaranteed in life - and just because you have cancer again doesn't mean it is going to kill you.
Hang in there. Big hugs.
January
1, 2013 at 5:09 PM
Amen
to what Caroline said! Thinking of you so much and praying, praying, praying.
January
1, 2013 at 5:54 PM
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