JANUARY 16, 2013

Rambling...

By this time tomorrow, I'll be blissfully unconscious.  Today, however, I am sitting here, trying to pretend my coffee has my traditional chocolate almond milk in it, trying to convince my belly that the cranberry juice is really my breakfast, and ignoring the grumbling in my tummy.  Oh bowel prep - you slay me.  :)  

It will be fine; I've done it before, and I'll have to do it again, so it's not that big of a deal.  Like anything else, when you can't have something is when you want it most.  I know that, so it's just a matter of making an emergency run to the local store to get jello and juice.  The good news about this time around is that I don't have to avoid red or purple drinks, popsicles, etc.  Silver lining, people. Silver lining.

Today's plans include getting the house/family ready for the upcoming chaos.  After about 5pm, though - well, let's just say I'll be unavailable.  :)

Yesterday was a pretty amazing day.  CNN came to CTCA to do a story about the organic farm, and I was asked to take part. It was an amazing opportunity, and a ridiculously fun day.  I got to meet some other survivors and caretakers (always my pleasure and such an honor to meet them, hear their stories, and become friends with someone else who gets it).  In spite of the cold weather in the morning (it was in the 30s when we were out planting the lettuce), it was such a fun experience to get out there, see the farm, and (literally) get my hands dirty.

This was all of us, lined up, planting a variety of lettuce.  Ilana (my amazing friend and sister from another mother) and I are at the end.  Ilana has a purple scarf on, and I have a black hat on my cold head.  

The cool part about planting the lettuce is that, in a few months, that produce will be on the plates of patients in the hospital.  No, I'm not a farmer, and no, I've never been successful at gardening.  So, for this city-born girl....this was pretty freaking cool.  And, the fact that we got to learn more about why the chose these particular seeds, why they have chosen to go all organic (or as much as possible) with the farm....it makes you think, for sure.  I'm stoked to see this grow, and to see the effect this has, not only on the patients and the hospital, but on society in general as the word about this grows.

After we headed back inside to thaw out, we spent some time getting to know each other and enjoying lunch. The one-on-one interviews started after that, and I was a little nervous.  I always am, until I sit down and start talking with the producer.  Then, (in my head) it becomes nothing more than a conversation between the interviewer (in this case, an amazing woman named Holly) and me.  It always seems to go by really quickly, and once it was over, I listened to Bill (a master gardener from Oregon and himself both a survivor and a caretaker for his wife) conduct his interview.

I am so excited about seeing the final product - as I understand it, it will be aired in a couple of months, and may be shown on the CNN Medical channel in doctor's offices, etc.  (That sound you just heard?  Yeah - that was my stomach dropping into the ground.)  I'll let you know once I have more information about that.

I did get an amazing compliment from Holly yesterday.  She's been with CNN since the very earliest days of the organization, and is someone that I'd love to have a chance to talk with more.  She strikes me as a very intelligent woman, very personable and kind, but smart as a whip and not afraid to tell you how it is.

After my interview yesterday, she told me how well I did, and said that I should look into being a motivational speaker.  I was completely unprepared for that kind of compliment, and absolutely humbled that someone would think that highly of me or my story.

But, it did get me thinking.  I wonder if there's a need/desire for that.  Would that be a viable option for me, even on an ad hoc basis?  I'm going to look into it a bit, but it's something that definitely got me thinking.

It also got me thinking about where I am in my life, and how I view myself.  I don't know if I'm the only one in this situation, but there are days when I feel like I'm still my teenage self, trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.  I look around and wonder how the hell I got to where I'm at.  There are times when I definitely don't feel like I'm a 36 year old woman with two children.  Sometimes, I feel like a kid who's pretending to be an adult, and occasionally, the responsibilities that I have are overwhelming.  Does that make sense?

From a professional standpoint, I am happy with my job, content even.  But, I don't think it's where I want to be forever.  I want to be able to do something that is going to help someone, something that is going to make people's lives better, and that when I do finally pass on, will leave the world better than when I came into it.  I know that's very vague and sounds fabulously generic, but it's true.  I was raised in a family where you were expected to give back; yes, you worked for a living, but you also did something to help your fellow man.

I have known for a while that I want to work in the cancer community in some capacity.  I haven't figured out what exactly I would like to do, but it just feels right to me.  For me, helping others in their journey is so rewarding; it's also healing for me, and helps me feel like what I'm experiencing isn't for naught.

Speaking with people isn't an issue for me; speaking in front of people doesn't bother me.  Maybe I do need to look at the possibility of publishing a book, maybe marketing it and myself.  Any ideas on that?  Anyone want to help me with that?  If telling my story can help someone else, then I'm all for it.

Thinking about it, though, seems like an almost insurmountable task.  To me, authors and motivational speakers are these amazing, wonderful adults who have a grasp on life, who know who they are and how they can help others.  Me?  I feel like I'm still trying to figure out my place in this world, and am kind of just going with the flow.

I feel like I'm rambling - I'll blame the lack of food.  :)

Anyways, we'll see where this leads me.  Meantime, I'm going to log off, eat some more jello, and finish things up around here.  Mom will post tomorrow when I'm out of surgery, and let y'all know what's going on.  Here's rooting for endometriosis....

Comments:

Thandi said...

ENDO, ENDO, ENDO.Glad the interview went well.See, we're not the only ones who think you're gifted!

January 16, 2013 at 12:01 PM

 Tina said...

Praying for no cancer!! I'll be thinking about you tomorrow!

January 16, 2013 at 3:49 PM

 Carol Pack Urban said...

I think I've been saying the same thing for the past two years. You do have a special gift in being able to connect with people, speak clearly and eloquently to get your thought across to just about everyone. Amazing ability!

God bless tonight and tomorrow that you will be able to sleep tonight and that tomorrow goes smoothly. Praying for no cancer and that your surgeon's hands are blessed by God above!

Goodnight, GF. Saying prayers for you right now. Please ask your mom to post an update to us.

January 16, 2013 at 8:47 PM

 Britany said...

You should really write a book about your life Michelle. It would be a great opportunity for you to give back, and for other people to learn what you have over the years. Hope you do write a book I would absolutely love to read it!

Love your little cousin,
Brit

January 17, 2013 at 10:29 AM