...I
hadn't gotten cancer. I thought about this today - we were getting the grocery
list ready for Thanksgiving this week. Mom started to get sad and upset,
because of all the things she has going on and is thinking about (Christmas
coming up, not being in NY with the boys, the meals, me, us, etc.). It kind of
hit me this morning how much this cancer has not only affected me, but my
entire family. I knew it, but this morning I think it kind of hit me all at
once.
What would life be like if this hadn't happened? First, let's assume that I had the cancer, but I never went to the doctor's, never found out, and just went on with life as it stands. I don't even know if I would be here. I might have gone on until I was so sick that they weren't able to help me, and were just trying to keep me comfy until the end. (Well, isn't that a pleasant thought...) I might have been given a few weeks or months to live, and not been given the opportunity to be an advocate for colon cancer awareness.
What would life be like if I didn't have cancer? I started thinking about all the GOOD things that have come from this journey. I have met the most amazing people - both in person, and over the internet. I have been given the great honor of being helped by so many people - from friends helping out with food, cleaning services, and just a shoulder to cry on. My parents and my children have had the opportunity to get to know each other, and to develop a relationship with one another that I know both my children and my parents will remember for their entire lives. Seeing them together has been such a wonderful thing - we took Julia to MN when she was just 6 months old, and since she was the only grandchild on both sides, we really ripped her out of our parents' lives. While we haven't had as much luck garnering that relationship with Levi's side, this journey has allowed Julia and Kevin to become so close with Nana and Papa. It's been unbelievable.
If this hadn't happened, my parents might not have gone to get their colonoscopies. My brothers might not have ever gone in. Thanks goodness all have come back clean and clear, but now we know for sure.
On a bit sadder side, if this hadn't happened, I would be that much closer to getting my college degree. We would have a lot more money - well, at least we wouldn't have had to spend the money on the copay's, prescriptions, and co-insurance costs.
But, I don't think Levi and I would have had the talks that we have had to have. I don't think we would be as close as we are. I don't think I would be as close to both of my parents as I am now - when we lived on different sides of America, it was so much harder to maintain a CLOSE relationship with them. Now, though - poor Dad has gone to almost all of my chemo treatments. Mom was with me through the surgery and procedures in the beginning, in their for the first chemo, etc. And, now, they know more about their daughter's body and bodily functions then they probably ever wanted to know. LOL! But, that's what had to happen.
Most of all, if this hadn't happened, my parents would still be in NY. Would Dad have retired? I don't know. What would Mom be doing? How would that have affected my brothers? They had all had to sacrifice so much for this cancer shit. My two brothers back in NY, Bob and Greg, have had to learn to live without the support of my parents. Mom and Dad were literally yanked from NY to AZ when this all happened, and everyone's lives changed. Their lives changed. They went from living life in NY, with friends, family, jobs, obligations, recreation, plans, etc., to having to relocate here with no planning, no knowledge of what's around here, and no one here to support them but each other and us. Holy crap - when you think about it, that's an unbelievable sacrifice. I don't think words can ever allow them to understand that I get (as much as I possibly can) the sacrifice they have made. I don't think that there are words, emotions, things, etc. to describe the level of gratitude I have for them, and for their sacrifice. For what they have done for us, and for me.
And, I can't forget the support I have had from work. People at work have been amazingly supportive, both locally in Phoenix and at other sites. I truly feel like I am part of this huge family, and I am lucky to have them in my life.
Truly, this has been a journey. I have started to think of it as such - not a disease (though I know it is), not a sickness, etc. By thinking of it as a journey, I have allowed myself to accept that this will go on for a while, and that there are things to learn from this. I have chosen to look at this journey as an experience that I am meant to learn from. That I am meant to use to teach others.
So, that's my insightful thought for the day. I have chemo tomorrow, and it might be my last chemo treatment. I have this treatment, then a doctor's appointment on Dec 1st. God willing, I get the word at that point that I am officially in remission. Holy cow. Remission - such a gorgeous word.
What would life be like if this hadn't happened? First, let's assume that I had the cancer, but I never went to the doctor's, never found out, and just went on with life as it stands. I don't even know if I would be here. I might have gone on until I was so sick that they weren't able to help me, and were just trying to keep me comfy until the end. (Well, isn't that a pleasant thought...) I might have been given a few weeks or months to live, and not been given the opportunity to be an advocate for colon cancer awareness.
What would life be like if I didn't have cancer? I started thinking about all the GOOD things that have come from this journey. I have met the most amazing people - both in person, and over the internet. I have been given the great honor of being helped by so many people - from friends helping out with food, cleaning services, and just a shoulder to cry on. My parents and my children have had the opportunity to get to know each other, and to develop a relationship with one another that I know both my children and my parents will remember for their entire lives. Seeing them together has been such a wonderful thing - we took Julia to MN when she was just 6 months old, and since she was the only grandchild on both sides, we really ripped her out of our parents' lives. While we haven't had as much luck garnering that relationship with Levi's side, this journey has allowed Julia and Kevin to become so close with Nana and Papa. It's been unbelievable.
If this hadn't happened, my parents might not have gone to get their colonoscopies. My brothers might not have ever gone in. Thanks goodness all have come back clean and clear, but now we know for sure.
On a bit sadder side, if this hadn't happened, I would be that much closer to getting my college degree. We would have a lot more money - well, at least we wouldn't have had to spend the money on the copay's, prescriptions, and co-insurance costs.
But, I don't think Levi and I would have had the talks that we have had to have. I don't think we would be as close as we are. I don't think I would be as close to both of my parents as I am now - when we lived on different sides of America, it was so much harder to maintain a CLOSE relationship with them. Now, though - poor Dad has gone to almost all of my chemo treatments. Mom was with me through the surgery and procedures in the beginning, in their for the first chemo, etc. And, now, they know more about their daughter's body and bodily functions then they probably ever wanted to know. LOL! But, that's what had to happen.
Most of all, if this hadn't happened, my parents would still be in NY. Would Dad have retired? I don't know. What would Mom be doing? How would that have affected my brothers? They had all had to sacrifice so much for this cancer shit. My two brothers back in NY, Bob and Greg, have had to learn to live without the support of my parents. Mom and Dad were literally yanked from NY to AZ when this all happened, and everyone's lives changed. Their lives changed. They went from living life in NY, with friends, family, jobs, obligations, recreation, plans, etc., to having to relocate here with no planning, no knowledge of what's around here, and no one here to support them but each other and us. Holy crap - when you think about it, that's an unbelievable sacrifice. I don't think words can ever allow them to understand that I get (as much as I possibly can) the sacrifice they have made. I don't think that there are words, emotions, things, etc. to describe the level of gratitude I have for them, and for their sacrifice. For what they have done for us, and for me.
And, I can't forget the support I have had from work. People at work have been amazingly supportive, both locally in Phoenix and at other sites. I truly feel like I am part of this huge family, and I am lucky to have them in my life.
Truly, this has been a journey. I have started to think of it as such - not a disease (though I know it is), not a sickness, etc. By thinking of it as a journey, I have allowed myself to accept that this will go on for a while, and that there are things to learn from this. I have chosen to look at this journey as an experience that I am meant to learn from. That I am meant to use to teach others.
So, that's my insightful thought for the day. I have chemo tomorrow, and it might be my last chemo treatment. I have this treatment, then a doctor's appointment on Dec 1st. God willing, I get the word at that point that I am officially in remission. Holy cow. Remission - such a gorgeous word.
Comments:
Amanda: said...
I
am so thankful for the gift of time - to have come so far out of Joshua's
Journey that I can be thankful that we were chose to walk this path. It was
awful, and scary, and hard... but I wouldn't trade it. Way too many GOOD things
came out of this for us and I wouldn't want to give that up. I'm glad you're
getting there too.
If Joshua ever relapses (God forbid) or if I ever have to do this cancer journey again (please NO), I don't know that I'll feel quite the same, but for now, this is where I'm at.
Good luck with chemo. I can't wait to hear how your appointment on Dec 1st goes!!
If Joshua ever relapses (God forbid) or if I ever have to do this cancer journey again (please NO), I don't know that I'll feel quite the same, but for now, this is where I'm at.
Good luck with chemo. I can't wait to hear how your appointment on Dec 1st goes!!
November
24, 2008 at 9:47 AM
Wow,
Michelle - this is so amazingly inspiring. I love you...I am so thankful for
you and for our friendship, and I am so glad that you found out you had cancer
when you did. I can't even begin to imagine, or want to think about, what would
have happened if you hadn't. We are so blessed in so many ways, and it takes a
strong person to realize that every cloud, EVERY CLOUD, truly does have a
silver lining.
I just can't believe we could have lost you....and I thank God all the time for the way He has worked in your life through this journey you are on.
I just can't believe we could have lost you....and I thank God all the time for the way He has worked in your life through this journey you are on.
November
25, 2008 at 11:58 PM
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