A quick
thought....
Yesterday in group, we spoke a bit about the word cancer, and what it means. How cancer is considered to be a disease, and nothing more than that. Someone brought up how, for the cancer patient and their families and friends, cancer becomes so much more than a disease. It becomes a way of life, a factor that you have to take into consideration with everything you do, at least for the short-term. For me, cancer has literally changed everything - my relationships with people, my outlook on life, how I view everything from food to people to politics to my kids.....
It's an a complete and total lie if someone tells you life can resume as normal after cancer, at least immediately. That's what I am finding out, and that's what I am learning. I am (God willing) at the end of my treatment regime - 2 or 3 more week of chemo, and a PET scan at the end of December to determine if I am officially in remission. It has occurred to me recently that my life is never going to go back to where it was before....that my life will never again be the same. And, I think I am starting to mourn that loss.
On a personal note, I feel like there are people in my life who expect things to go back to normal, and I am struggling with how to help them realize that I can't go back to that life, at least not in December, once I am through with chemo. I get the impression that people think that things will just bounce back to the "normal" from May. I can't. I am physically dealing with a lot, and word has it that it's going to take my body anywhere from 6 months to 2 years to fully get rid of the chemo, and to finally start to feel "normal" again. Two years. Can you imagine that, on top of what I have been through? Is it any wonder that I am depressed?
Cancer. 6 little letters, and such a HUGE effect on those who are dealing with it, whether as patients or caregivers. It's such a life-altering experience, and I can't imagine that I am ever going to be the same. This is going to be such a turning point for me - at least the others in my life, I have had some control over. This one, I had no warning, no prep time, no way to get ready for it. You just get body slammed with this news, and then have to deal with the repercussions.
So, I know that this is part of what I am internally struggling with. I am fighting a battle with myself, in trying to accept that I can't go back to the old normal. And, I am now fighting a battle with how to deal with the other people in my life that I feel aren't accepting that I CAN'T go back. Interally, there is a way at hand, between the cancer cells and the chemo. There is also a war at hand in my mind, on how to handle these things. I am seriously considering setting an appointment with a psychologist. I think that I need more help than I am currently getting, mentally, to deal with what I am going through. If you are in the Phoenix area, and can make a suggestion, please let me know. Preferably West Valley!
And, with that, I sign off.....I woke up in another "bad mood" this morning, so I don't think that bodes well for my day. Although, it is Election Day - did you vote? I did - thank goodness for early balloting!
Yesterday in group, we spoke a bit about the word cancer, and what it means. How cancer is considered to be a disease, and nothing more than that. Someone brought up how, for the cancer patient and their families and friends, cancer becomes so much more than a disease. It becomes a way of life, a factor that you have to take into consideration with everything you do, at least for the short-term. For me, cancer has literally changed everything - my relationships with people, my outlook on life, how I view everything from food to people to politics to my kids.....
It's an a complete and total lie if someone tells you life can resume as normal after cancer, at least immediately. That's what I am finding out, and that's what I am learning. I am (God willing) at the end of my treatment regime - 2 or 3 more week of chemo, and a PET scan at the end of December to determine if I am officially in remission. It has occurred to me recently that my life is never going to go back to where it was before....that my life will never again be the same. And, I think I am starting to mourn that loss.
On a personal note, I feel like there are people in my life who expect things to go back to normal, and I am struggling with how to help them realize that I can't go back to that life, at least not in December, once I am through with chemo. I get the impression that people think that things will just bounce back to the "normal" from May. I can't. I am physically dealing with a lot, and word has it that it's going to take my body anywhere from 6 months to 2 years to fully get rid of the chemo, and to finally start to feel "normal" again. Two years. Can you imagine that, on top of what I have been through? Is it any wonder that I am depressed?
Cancer. 6 little letters, and such a HUGE effect on those who are dealing with it, whether as patients or caregivers. It's such a life-altering experience, and I can't imagine that I am ever going to be the same. This is going to be such a turning point for me - at least the others in my life, I have had some control over. This one, I had no warning, no prep time, no way to get ready for it. You just get body slammed with this news, and then have to deal with the repercussions.
So, I know that this is part of what I am internally struggling with. I am fighting a battle with myself, in trying to accept that I can't go back to the old normal. And, I am now fighting a battle with how to deal with the other people in my life that I feel aren't accepting that I CAN'T go back. Interally, there is a way at hand, between the cancer cells and the chemo. There is also a war at hand in my mind, on how to handle these things. I am seriously considering setting an appointment with a psychologist. I think that I need more help than I am currently getting, mentally, to deal with what I am going through. If you are in the Phoenix area, and can make a suggestion, please let me know. Preferably West Valley!
And, with that, I sign off.....I woke up in another "bad mood" this morning, so I don't think that bodes well for my day. Although, it is Election Day - did you vote? I did - thank goodness for early balloting!
Comments:
maurmm said...
Hi
Michelle,
This is Maureen Obit from chemo. I just started seeing a counselor for my depression and how to deal with my cancer. She is fantastic and I thought I would share with you. Her name is Kathleen Driscoll, R.N., M.A., L.P.C.
ther number is 623-979-4141. I think you would like her a lot.
I had some bad news today from the dr. My tumor markers are on the rise, they went from 200 to 1000. I will be going for a CAT SAN tomorrow to see how things are looking. I am scared to death to find out bt I need to know if things are getting worse. I hope I see you again in chemo. It was nice meeting you.
Take care,
Maureen
This is Maureen Obit from chemo. I just started seeing a counselor for my depression and how to deal with my cancer. She is fantastic and I thought I would share with you. Her name is Kathleen Driscoll, R.N., M.A., L.P.C.
ther number is 623-979-4141. I think you would like her a lot.
I had some bad news today from the dr. My tumor markers are on the rise, they went from 200 to 1000. I will be going for a CAT SAN tomorrow to see how things are looking. I am scared to death to find out bt I need to know if things are getting worse. I hope I see you again in chemo. It was nice meeting you.
Take care,
Maureen
November
4, 2008 at 6:09 PM
Michelle,
When we were going through our "war on cancer", we had to learn that same lesson. Things don't EVER go back to "normal" in the old sense. But, what does happen, is that "old normal" is replaced with a "new normal". I used to joke about our "new normal", but we are getting close to 5 years out and it never went back to the way it was.
But, I will tell you this... with the blessing of time, there are times (every once in a while) when I am thankful for what we had to go through. A lot of good came from our battle for Joshua's life, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. But, some days I do wish cancer was something I didn't have so much personal experience with...
Hang in there. And, people don't "get it" unless they've gone through it. They might be sympathetic, and sorry, and try their hardest to understand, but they just DON'T (no disrespect to anyone... I didn't get it either until we lived through it). Not the way we do. And I don't even "get it" like Joshua does, since he's the one who was waging the war for survival. Not that he understands it yet, but when he grows up, he will.
There will always be people who will expect you to go back to "normal", but you are never going to be the same again, and some people just can't imagine how huge that really is.
When we were going through our "war on cancer", we had to learn that same lesson. Things don't EVER go back to "normal" in the old sense. But, what does happen, is that "old normal" is replaced with a "new normal". I used to joke about our "new normal", but we are getting close to 5 years out and it never went back to the way it was.
But, I will tell you this... with the blessing of time, there are times (every once in a while) when I am thankful for what we had to go through. A lot of good came from our battle for Joshua's life, and I wouldn't trade that for anything. But, some days I do wish cancer was something I didn't have so much personal experience with...
Hang in there. And, people don't "get it" unless they've gone through it. They might be sympathetic, and sorry, and try their hardest to understand, but they just DON'T (no disrespect to anyone... I didn't get it either until we lived through it). Not the way we do. And I don't even "get it" like Joshua does, since he's the one who was waging the war for survival. Not that he understands it yet, but when he grows up, he will.
There will always be people who will expect you to go back to "normal", but you are never going to be the same again, and some people just can't imagine how huge that really is.
November
5, 2008 at 8:43 AM
bflikke said...
Hi
Michelle,
I have been from time to time following your blog. May 23, 2008, I was diagnosed with colon cancer at the age of 32. At the time I had my MRI and PET/CT scan. The scans diagnosed me as a T3N1 stage, but my doctor was so sure it was wrong. I had a surgery called a TEM (newer procedure). So 4 mos went by and I was hoping that life would somehow go back to "normal", but was waiting on my 4 mo ultrasound just to make sure. Bad news-the lymph node was in fact involved. My PET/CT was yesterday and I am again awaiting the results. Life as I knew it left me when I heard the word "CANCER". It's such an ugly and life changing word for sure! It's not so much that I am worried for myself either, it's what I have to put my family through. Like you, I have two kids and a husband and I just pray to god that they can get through this journey and not hate me for putting them there. Your blog inspires me to push on. Stay positive!!!!
I have been from time to time following your blog. May 23, 2008, I was diagnosed with colon cancer at the age of 32. At the time I had my MRI and PET/CT scan. The scans diagnosed me as a T3N1 stage, but my doctor was so sure it was wrong. I had a surgery called a TEM (newer procedure). So 4 mos went by and I was hoping that life would somehow go back to "normal", but was waiting on my 4 mo ultrasound just to make sure. Bad news-the lymph node was in fact involved. My PET/CT was yesterday and I am again awaiting the results. Life as I knew it left me when I heard the word "CANCER". It's such an ugly and life changing word for sure! It's not so much that I am worried for myself either, it's what I have to put my family through. Like you, I have two kids and a husband and I just pray to god that they can get through this journey and not hate me for putting them there. Your blog inspires me to push on. Stay positive!!!!
November
6, 2008 at 10:17 AM
mylilgizmo said...
Hi
Michelle,
My name is Beth and I'm 32 years old. I'm having my colonoscopy on the 18th Nov. and I expect to be told I have cancer. I've had symptoms for a couple years that I didn't recognize as a problem (thought it was just me). Now I'm worried about how advanced the cancer will be due to my ignoring it. I'm also married with 4 kids under 6. Your blog is not only inspiring but also informative. Thank you.
My name is Beth and I'm 32 years old. I'm having my colonoscopy on the 18th Nov. and I expect to be told I have cancer. I've had symptoms for a couple years that I didn't recognize as a problem (thought it was just me). Now I'm worried about how advanced the cancer will be due to my ignoring it. I'm also married with 4 kids under 6. Your blog is not only inspiring but also informative. Thank you.
November
13, 2008 at 9:59 PM
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