Well,
first, an update to the chemo from last week. While it sucked, big time, the
positive is that I was able to recover fairly quickly, and that was a welcome
relief. Halloween with the kids was wonderful - they had a blast, I was able to
hand out candy and, for about two hours, hang with the neighbors, so all in
all, it was a success. I am hoping to have the energy later this week to
download the pictures of the kids, and I will try to post at least one
here.
I ended up having neuropathy SO BAD last week - remember, that's where I lose feeling in my extremities (mainly my hands and feet/legs), but that is also coupled with that odd, awful pins-and-needles feeling that you get when your foot falls asleep - yeah, not fun. Numbness and feeling - it's an odd sensation. I can't explain it any better than that. Sorry. Anyways, because that has gotten so bad, I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday to discuss options for dealing with that. Probably, we will stop the oxalipalantin, which is a welcome relief at this point.
So, I guess that leads me to my next step - depression. With all that we have going on with me, with Levi's job search (still nothing on that front, damn it), and with the holidays approaching, I guess it's understandable that I am feeling a little down. However, I am pretty sure that I am on the downhill slide to full-out depression. While I find things funny and still find joy in my kids, I am having such a hard time trying to find joy in anything else. Food doesn't taste good. Sleeping isn't a relief, and I wake up tired, in spite of the sleeping pills. I don't want to talk to anyone, and I don't want to deal with the everyday things that I am responsible for. Yup, pretty sure this is the dreaded depression.
I think it's just that everything is hitting me all at once. The physical side effects are getting so much worse each treatment, and I won't go into them all, since some of you know me really well and they are fairly embarrassing (and I don't want to have to face you again, knowing that you know those things about me). The emotional toll is getting to a point where I would rather quit the treatment right now than continue. I don't feel like I have the strength to go on. I really don't. Of course, right now, I have no fight in me. At all. Levi and I are arguing daily, and I really could care less. I mean, why bother?
So, that's me, right now. I have been honest up til now, and there's no point in sugar-coating it now. Here it is - I am depressed. I hate cancer. I hate the fight. I hate that I have this, and have no control over it. I hate that I have to deal with this, while there are people in this world who are horrible, awful people, and they are healthy and happy. How is that fair? Really - I am a decent person. I try to live a good life, and I try to be a good person. And yet, I have to go through this. Where's the justice in life?
I know there are people that are going to tell me that there is a plan, that there is a reason. Up until now, I have been able to accept this. But, tell me, what's the reason for this? What's the reason for us having to go through all of this? I can't imagine. I just can't imagine.
Again, the fight is gone. Kaput. It's just not there anymore. I don't have the energy to fight this disease. I don't have the energy to fight for what I know is right. And I could really give a rat's ass about much of anything right now.
So, I am hoping that I can go to the doctor's, get another prescription to course through this unhealthy body, and maybe that will help to bring back some of the fight. 'Cuz right now, it's gone.
I ended up having neuropathy SO BAD last week - remember, that's where I lose feeling in my extremities (mainly my hands and feet/legs), but that is also coupled with that odd, awful pins-and-needles feeling that you get when your foot falls asleep - yeah, not fun. Numbness and feeling - it's an odd sensation. I can't explain it any better than that. Sorry. Anyways, because that has gotten so bad, I have a doctor's appointment on Wednesday to discuss options for dealing with that. Probably, we will stop the oxalipalantin, which is a welcome relief at this point.
So, I guess that leads me to my next step - depression. With all that we have going on with me, with Levi's job search (still nothing on that front, damn it), and with the holidays approaching, I guess it's understandable that I am feeling a little down. However, I am pretty sure that I am on the downhill slide to full-out depression. While I find things funny and still find joy in my kids, I am having such a hard time trying to find joy in anything else. Food doesn't taste good. Sleeping isn't a relief, and I wake up tired, in spite of the sleeping pills. I don't want to talk to anyone, and I don't want to deal with the everyday things that I am responsible for. Yup, pretty sure this is the dreaded depression.
I think it's just that everything is hitting me all at once. The physical side effects are getting so much worse each treatment, and I won't go into them all, since some of you know me really well and they are fairly embarrassing (and I don't want to have to face you again, knowing that you know those things about me). The emotional toll is getting to a point where I would rather quit the treatment right now than continue. I don't feel like I have the strength to go on. I really don't. Of course, right now, I have no fight in me. At all. Levi and I are arguing daily, and I really could care less. I mean, why bother?
So, that's me, right now. I have been honest up til now, and there's no point in sugar-coating it now. Here it is - I am depressed. I hate cancer. I hate the fight. I hate that I have this, and have no control over it. I hate that I have to deal with this, while there are people in this world who are horrible, awful people, and they are healthy and happy. How is that fair? Really - I am a decent person. I try to live a good life, and I try to be a good person. And yet, I have to go through this. Where's the justice in life?
I know there are people that are going to tell me that there is a plan, that there is a reason. Up until now, I have been able to accept this. But, tell me, what's the reason for this? What's the reason for us having to go through all of this? I can't imagine. I just can't imagine.
Again, the fight is gone. Kaput. It's just not there anymore. I don't have the energy to fight this disease. I don't have the energy to fight for what I know is right. And I could really give a rat's ass about much of anything right now.
So, I am hoping that I can go to the doctor's, get another prescription to course through this unhealthy body, and maybe that will help to bring back some of the fight. 'Cuz right now, it's gone.
Comments:
Amanda: said...
Oh
Michelle... If I were privy to the sacred answer to the question
"why", I would share it with you in a heartbeat. But I just don't
know.
I know that while it didn't make what we went through easier at the time, we are now able to take that experience to make a lasting difference in other people's lives. Not an answer to "why", but at least something good ended up coming out of this. A whole lot of people found faith, thanks to Josh - again - didn't make it easier at the time, but something good that came out of it in time.
I guess I'm at the point far enough away from cancer that I can be a little thankful for what we went through. It SUCKED, no doubt. The hardest thing we EVER had to do, but we did it. And now, with the blessing of time, we are able to take that and make some good because of it.
But, I know that it doesn't make it easier now. And it hurts now. And it's hard now. I hope that today is a better day for you. Thinking of you always.
I know that while it didn't make what we went through easier at the time, we are now able to take that experience to make a lasting difference in other people's lives. Not an answer to "why", but at least something good ended up coming out of this. A whole lot of people found faith, thanks to Josh - again - didn't make it easier at the time, but something good that came out of it in time.
I guess I'm at the point far enough away from cancer that I can be a little thankful for what we went through. It SUCKED, no doubt. The hardest thing we EVER had to do, but we did it. And now, with the blessing of time, we are able to take that and make some good because of it.
But, I know that it doesn't make it easier now. And it hurts now. And it's hard now. I hope that today is a better day for you. Thinking of you always.
November
4, 2008 at 6:14 AM
Michelle,
I forget exactly how I found your blog...through a friend, I think (Jennifer?)...this post caught my eye. I can't relate to your cancer experience (and I am so sorry to hear that you are facing this challenge), but I can relate to the depression. I actually wrote about it over at my blog a couple weeks ago. It's good that you recognize the symptoms--I wallowed in something worse than misery for several years before seeking out alternative treatment that, thankfully, has been VERY effective. I'm not sure that I can advise any sort of treatment, but I can let you know that you are not alone. My two saving graces on the road to recovery have been the support and patience of my husband; and the relief that comes with being truthful about where I'm at with the disease day-to-day, where I have been, and where I have the ability to go with the help of my own determination and my support network.
So, hang in there. Ask for help, and take as much of it as you can get. And most importantly, KEEP FIGHTING! Remember, YOU WILL WIN!
-Freedom Runner
I forget exactly how I found your blog...through a friend, I think (Jennifer?)...this post caught my eye. I can't relate to your cancer experience (and I am so sorry to hear that you are facing this challenge), but I can relate to the depression. I actually wrote about it over at my blog a couple weeks ago. It's good that you recognize the symptoms--I wallowed in something worse than misery for several years before seeking out alternative treatment that, thankfully, has been VERY effective. I'm not sure that I can advise any sort of treatment, but I can let you know that you are not alone. My two saving graces on the road to recovery have been the support and patience of my husband; and the relief that comes with being truthful about where I'm at with the disease day-to-day, where I have been, and where I have the ability to go with the help of my own determination and my support network.
So, hang in there. Ask for help, and take as much of it as you can get. And most importantly, KEEP FIGHTING! Remember, YOU WILL WIN!
-Freedom Runner
November
4, 2008 at 6:55 AM
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