Well, my
normal this week has consisted of sleeping. That's about it. Sleeping, and
trying to figure out what I might be able to eat that won't upset the inner
working of my belly. Because eating when you want to, and are hungry, is
awesome. When you eat b/c you HAVE to, well, it isn't nearly so much fun.
I would like to report that I bounced right back, and am feeling super-duper, but I would be lying to you, and that isn't nice. So, I will be honest with you all - I feel like crap. I am exhausted all the time - I am taking at least an 1 1/2 hour nap each afternoon, and sleeping through the night (bedtime usually around 9) until the kids are waking me up as they head out the door to daycare with my mom (usually around 7:15am). Even then, it takes me a good 15 minutes to drag my butt up out of bed.
I think the frustrating thing about this is that I am not a sleeper, in that I am not someone who loves to sleep. Sure, I enjoy the occasionally lazy morning in bed, or climbing into a warm, comfy bed after a long day at work, but I am not someone who needs to sleep all day long. I am usually the first one up, getting the house ready for the day, etc. And, to not be able to do that is infuriating.
Now, I know what you are thinking - you have to do this. It's for your health. And, I get that. I do. Honestly. But, quite frankly, I am tired of having my life interrupted by this damn cancer. I am sick and tired of being the one that has to change my life, my expectations, my reality b/c of the whims of some cancer that, by the way, had no right to be in my body in the first place. (Can you tell I am a little touchy today?!?!)
I know that I need to take care of my body. I need to relax and take care of my health. And, I need to do those things so that I can finally get back to being mom, wife, daughter, sister, etc. But, damnit, it's so frustrating to know that my kids are getting used to the fact that Mommy can't take care of them. It's pisses me off in more ways than I think I can express.
I am not mad at anyone. I am so unbelievably grateful that my parents are here to fill in the gaps, or take over parenting as the case seems to be this week, and I truly don't know what we would do without them here. They have become the parents to my kids this week, especially b/c Levi had to go to FL for work yesterday (for two weeks). It just pisses me off that I can't do what I am supposed to be doing - I am supposed to be mother to my kids. I am supposed to be working on my 5th or 6th class in college. I am supposed to be working 8 hours a day, complaining about the routine that I really do love, and just living life in general. Instead, I am here, fighting to stay awake to spend an hour or so with my kids. I am fighting this unknown beast (in addition to the known cancer monster) and I don't know if I am using the right tools to win this battle. Is the antibiotic working? I don't know. Is the chemo what caused this issue in the first place, and maybe that's what's making me so tired? Maybe my body is just recouping from the chemo reaction? Or maybe it's something altogether different that no one has suggested that I am fighting.
I spent time on the phone with my aunt in Texas and my brother in England today. Both just wanted to talk, which was awesome. Sometimes, it helps to have that happen. I don't know why I am being so bitchy right now. I think part of it is that it's almost 6pm, dinner time. It's a Friday, and I should be out to dinner with my family. I should be grocery shopping, or making a nice dinner to celebrate the weekend. I should be spending time with my kids, enjoying them. And, I can't. Because I don't even have the energy to really play with them. Can you imagine how hard that is?
The good news from today - my wonderful, dear, amazing friend Sharon had a cleaning company come today and do a thorough cleaning of the house. It was wonderful. They cleaned the showers, bathtubs, toilets, stove, microwave, floors, blinds, ceiling fans - everything! Everything is all clean and shiny and wow - it makes a huge difference for me knowing that I don't need to try to spend time cleaning the house this weekend. It's exhausting to try to do it, even when I go one room per day. I want so badly to try to maintain some sense of normalcy, and some days, if I can clean my bathroom, I feel that I have obtained that. But, it was REALLY nice to have someone do that for me. Now I have time to blog about how bitchy I am feeling, how angry I am becoming, and how this fight hasn't left me.
REMEMBER - STAND UP 2 CANCER IS ON TONIGHT. WILL YOU WATCH, AND MAKE A DIFFERENCE?!?!?!
I would like to report that I bounced right back, and am feeling super-duper, but I would be lying to you, and that isn't nice. So, I will be honest with you all - I feel like crap. I am exhausted all the time - I am taking at least an 1 1/2 hour nap each afternoon, and sleeping through the night (bedtime usually around 9) until the kids are waking me up as they head out the door to daycare with my mom (usually around 7:15am). Even then, it takes me a good 15 minutes to drag my butt up out of bed.
I think the frustrating thing about this is that I am not a sleeper, in that I am not someone who loves to sleep. Sure, I enjoy the occasionally lazy morning in bed, or climbing into a warm, comfy bed after a long day at work, but I am not someone who needs to sleep all day long. I am usually the first one up, getting the house ready for the day, etc. And, to not be able to do that is infuriating.
Now, I know what you are thinking - you have to do this. It's for your health. And, I get that. I do. Honestly. But, quite frankly, I am tired of having my life interrupted by this damn cancer. I am sick and tired of being the one that has to change my life, my expectations, my reality b/c of the whims of some cancer that, by the way, had no right to be in my body in the first place. (Can you tell I am a little touchy today?!?!)
I know that I need to take care of my body. I need to relax and take care of my health. And, I need to do those things so that I can finally get back to being mom, wife, daughter, sister, etc. But, damnit, it's so frustrating to know that my kids are getting used to the fact that Mommy can't take care of them. It's pisses me off in more ways than I think I can express.
I am not mad at anyone. I am so unbelievably grateful that my parents are here to fill in the gaps, or take over parenting as the case seems to be this week, and I truly don't know what we would do without them here. They have become the parents to my kids this week, especially b/c Levi had to go to FL for work yesterday (for two weeks). It just pisses me off that I can't do what I am supposed to be doing - I am supposed to be mother to my kids. I am supposed to be working on my 5th or 6th class in college. I am supposed to be working 8 hours a day, complaining about the routine that I really do love, and just living life in general. Instead, I am here, fighting to stay awake to spend an hour or so with my kids. I am fighting this unknown beast (in addition to the known cancer monster) and I don't know if I am using the right tools to win this battle. Is the antibiotic working? I don't know. Is the chemo what caused this issue in the first place, and maybe that's what's making me so tired? Maybe my body is just recouping from the chemo reaction? Or maybe it's something altogether different that no one has suggested that I am fighting.
I spent time on the phone with my aunt in Texas and my brother in England today. Both just wanted to talk, which was awesome. Sometimes, it helps to have that happen. I don't know why I am being so bitchy right now. I think part of it is that it's almost 6pm, dinner time. It's a Friday, and I should be out to dinner with my family. I should be grocery shopping, or making a nice dinner to celebrate the weekend. I should be spending time with my kids, enjoying them. And, I can't. Because I don't even have the energy to really play with them. Can you imagine how hard that is?
The good news from today - my wonderful, dear, amazing friend Sharon had a cleaning company come today and do a thorough cleaning of the house. It was wonderful. They cleaned the showers, bathtubs, toilets, stove, microwave, floors, blinds, ceiling fans - everything! Everything is all clean and shiny and wow - it makes a huge difference for me knowing that I don't need to try to spend time cleaning the house this weekend. It's exhausting to try to do it, even when I go one room per day. I want so badly to try to maintain some sense of normalcy, and some days, if I can clean my bathroom, I feel that I have obtained that. But, it was REALLY nice to have someone do that for me. Now I have time to blog about how bitchy I am feeling, how angry I am becoming, and how this fight hasn't left me.
REMEMBER - STAND UP 2 CANCER IS ON TONIGHT. WILL YOU WATCH, AND MAKE A DIFFERENCE?!?!?!
Comments:
Amanda: said...
Gosh
I wish you were having an easier time with this. Even now, over 4 years later,
I still get SO mad at the way cancer "ruins" everything. I know you
know what I mean.
Let me wrack my brain - there has to be something that helped Joshua that might help you.
We're trying to get a copy of the video from the news story, I'll post it if I get it and let you know.
Let me wrack my brain - there has to be something that helped Joshua that might help you.
We're trying to get a copy of the video from the news story, I'll post it if I get it and let you know.
September
5, 2008 at 7:19 PM
Hey
Michelle.... just thought that I would let you know that my vets office also
recommended Press-n-Seal for keeping my dog's incision clean. It's some heavy
duty stuff! Yea! LOL!
Hope you start feeling better this weekend... always thinking of ya! Love ya! and let me know how the new NKOTB cd is!
Hope you start feeling better this weekend... always thinking of ya! Love ya! and let me know how the new NKOTB cd is!
September
5, 2008 at 8:08 PM
Ooh,
I'm so glad the cleaning company did a good job. I always love the feeling of a
nice clean house after our's leaves and if you think about how much your time
is worth, it really isn't too much to pay! I also saw about the maid service
you found for folks undergoing chemo - what a fantastic service!! I'm going to
send out an email to everyone to look into that while you're still in chemo and
then consider the this maid service afterwards (bec ONE day you will be DONE!!
:)) if they are interested :)
September
8, 2008 at 12:48 PM
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