There are
times like tonight when I absolutely, no question about it, hate cancer. I hate
what it has done to me. I detest the word, I loathe the disease, and I lash out
against it.
I had a good day - worked, got a lot accomplished, had an appointment with my new primary care physician, was pleased with that. Got to daycare, was on the phone with Levi, and Stacey called out from the door, "Kevin just threw up!" Oh my goodness. So, I immediately hang up the phone and go running in the house - yup. He threw up. All over himself. It was, as they say in first grade, "so much gross!"
So, I had to call Dad, b/c my first reaction was that I needed to help my baby, but I couldn't. I couldn't be around the germs and exposed to the virus or whatever, b/c I can't afford to get sick. Well, sick-er. Dad (the angel that he is) came and got Kevin. I tried to get the baby changed, but again, I was nervous about getting sick.
Is there anything as frustrating as wanting to help your child, and not being able to? I don't think so. As humiliating and frustrating as it is to have my mom wash my hair or help me get dressed during chemo week, I can directly attribute that to my illness and the reaction from the chemo. Easy - I have issues, here's the reason. End of story.
But, oh, to not be able to hold him, or comfort him, or help him - I think my heart broke a hundred times tonight. To hear him calling for me - Mommy, Mommy. And, to have to give him over to my dad for care. I feel so good during the off-chemo weeks. I work, I try to maintain a sense of "normal" life, and I want desperately to do everything I can. But, this was like a slap in the face. Here, Michelle, your child is sick. All your baby wants is his Mommy, but you can't be that person tonight. You can't be Michelle, mommy extraordinaire. You can't hold him, hug him, cuddle him. Instead, you have to try to get your two year old to understand that Mommy can't help him b/c of chemo and cancer.
I don't think heartbroken quite describes how I feel right now - it seems to simplistic and general a word. I am so grateful to my father for taking over and helping us out. He has taken care of Kevin all night, and I don't know if I can express how much it means to me to have him here, and to have him be willing to take this on. I don't want this to come across as angry at anyone. But, I am just, well, heartbroken that I can't be there for my son. My baby boy. He needs his Mommy, but this damn cancer won't allow me to make the choice to take care of him.
I hate cancer...
Oh - by the way, Julia is fine. So far. Here's hoping.
I had a good day - worked, got a lot accomplished, had an appointment with my new primary care physician, was pleased with that. Got to daycare, was on the phone with Levi, and Stacey called out from the door, "Kevin just threw up!" Oh my goodness. So, I immediately hang up the phone and go running in the house - yup. He threw up. All over himself. It was, as they say in first grade, "so much gross!"
So, I had to call Dad, b/c my first reaction was that I needed to help my baby, but I couldn't. I couldn't be around the germs and exposed to the virus or whatever, b/c I can't afford to get sick. Well, sick-er. Dad (the angel that he is) came and got Kevin. I tried to get the baby changed, but again, I was nervous about getting sick.
Is there anything as frustrating as wanting to help your child, and not being able to? I don't think so. As humiliating and frustrating as it is to have my mom wash my hair or help me get dressed during chemo week, I can directly attribute that to my illness and the reaction from the chemo. Easy - I have issues, here's the reason. End of story.
But, oh, to not be able to hold him, or comfort him, or help him - I think my heart broke a hundred times tonight. To hear him calling for me - Mommy, Mommy. And, to have to give him over to my dad for care. I feel so good during the off-chemo weeks. I work, I try to maintain a sense of "normal" life, and I want desperately to do everything I can. But, this was like a slap in the face. Here, Michelle, your child is sick. All your baby wants is his Mommy, but you can't be that person tonight. You can't be Michelle, mommy extraordinaire. You can't hold him, hug him, cuddle him. Instead, you have to try to get your two year old to understand that Mommy can't help him b/c of chemo and cancer.
I don't think heartbroken quite describes how I feel right now - it seems to simplistic and general a word. I am so grateful to my father for taking over and helping us out. He has taken care of Kevin all night, and I don't know if I can express how much it means to me to have him here, and to have him be willing to take this on. I don't want this to come across as angry at anyone. But, I am just, well, heartbroken that I can't be there for my son. My baby boy. He needs his Mommy, but this damn cancer won't allow me to make the choice to take care of him.
I hate cancer...
Oh - by the way, Julia is fine. So far. Here's hoping.
Comments:
Okay
that would suck.
I can't imagine that. However...think it about it logically without your emotion attached...
first, Kevin is too young to remember that he had to go to his grandpa (who I am sure spoils him equally just as his mommy and daddy would) instead of you. It is not going to land Kevin in therapy for years on end because of that one little thing. Chill. Kevin would rather have you here years from now healthy and happy rather than God forbid you becoming sick from something that could be traced back to him. You did the smart and right thing and thought of your child first. You have to take care of you in order to take care of your family.
Hang in there, we love you.
PS - Thanks for your support when I was in the hospital, everytime I got a needle prick/blood/iv I thought of you! I am home and trying to rest now...
I can't imagine that. However...think it about it logically without your emotion attached...
first, Kevin is too young to remember that he had to go to his grandpa (who I am sure spoils him equally just as his mommy and daddy would) instead of you. It is not going to land Kevin in therapy for years on end because of that one little thing. Chill. Kevin would rather have you here years from now healthy and happy rather than God forbid you becoming sick from something that could be traced back to him. You did the smart and right thing and thought of your child first. You have to take care of you in order to take care of your family.
Hang in there, we love you.
PS - Thanks for your support when I was in the hospital, everytime I got a needle prick/blood/iv I thought of you! I am home and trying to rest now...
September
10, 2008 at 5:55 AM
Oh
Michelle - I've been there! If I was sick, Joshua could be no where near me. If
I even felt like there an itty bitty chance I MIGHT be coming down with
something, I couldn't be at the hospital. Not only because of Josh, but also
because ALL THE KIDS there had suppressed immune systems. It was SO hard.
Thankfully, as Jen said, he won't remember it and you don't have to worry about him ever feeling guilty for "getting you sick too", But, I know that logic doesn't really help the emotions. Sending hugs your way. Hang in there.
Thankfully, as Jen said, he won't remember it and you don't have to worry about him ever feeling guilty for "getting you sick too", But, I know that logic doesn't really help the emotions. Sending hugs your way. Hang in there.
September
10, 2008 at 8:03 AM
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