Well, the
third day of chemo was a bit better than the first two. The nausea started to
ease up a bit, and I was able to eat something. I had an appointment with my
oncologist on the day that I had the pump off (Thursday), and unfortunately,
b/c of the busy schedule due to the holiday on the 4th, they were swamped. I
was advised to be to the office early for the pump removal, so I got there at
2:30 for the removal, ensuring that I had enough time to make my appt with Dr.
O at 3:30. It was strongly advised that I not be late for an appt for Dr. O.
Well, Levi ended up coming with me, and we definitely were there with time to
spare. About an hour and a half of time to spare. I was exhausted, he was
pooped, and overall, it was a very tiring day. Waiting wears me out!
But, we got into see Dr. O., and all looks to be going well. I seem to be reacting well to the chemo (really - that wasn't my impression at all, but what do I know?!). However, I was scolded. REALLY scolded. By the nurse, who advised me against plaing with our cats (risk of infection is too high). I was also scolded by Dr. O. for being too anal about my chemo.
Now, those of you who know me know that I am one who LOVES lists, organization, etc. And, with this battle, I was under the impression that more organization was better. And, that more information was better. I was sorely mistaken, apparently. Dr. O. basically told me to quit writing everything down, to quit obsessing about everything, and to take my life one day at a time. She said that my nausea and exhaustion probably stems from my stress about everything, and that taking the time to live my life instead of obsessing about my treatment will help me heal more quickly.
So, on that note, I have tried to live the past couple of days in the present, and not obsess about cancer. It's hard, as this pretty much defines who I am at this moment in life. I mean, I am a mom, a daughter, a wife, etc., but right now, I am a cancer patient, working to be a cancer survivor.
It was a tough dose of reality that Dr. O. gave to me. I left the office on the verge of tears, and I don't know why. I came to realize later, as I told Mom and Dad what happened, that I think I haven't given myself the permission to really accept the true reality of my situation. I have cancer. I have a disease that I hadn't planned for. And, now I have to make arrangements in my life for this intrusion.
I haven't been sleeping well, and I think this might be part of the reason. I have spent so much time staying positive and upbeat that I don't think I have really allowed myself to be sad or pissed off or frustrated with the truth. I haven't allowed myself to really accept this. I have given voice to the positive aspect of this, in that I can now become an advocate for colon cancer awareness, research and prevention. But, I haven't dealt with the grim reality of how this has, and will, change my life.
I start tomorrow with my weekly support group at the Wellness Center. I think this will be good for me. I kind of feel that maybe being around other cancer patients will allow me to grieve for the loss of my health. Maybe this will be the point where I give myself permission to be sad for me. I don't know. I think that it is all finally sinking in. I have colon cancer. And, never again in my life will I be able to forget or ignore that fact. My life has changed, forever.
Damn it, cancer sucks.
But, we got into see Dr. O., and all looks to be going well. I seem to be reacting well to the chemo (really - that wasn't my impression at all, but what do I know?!). However, I was scolded. REALLY scolded. By the nurse, who advised me against plaing with our cats (risk of infection is too high). I was also scolded by Dr. O. for being too anal about my chemo.
Now, those of you who know me know that I am one who LOVES lists, organization, etc. And, with this battle, I was under the impression that more organization was better. And, that more information was better. I was sorely mistaken, apparently. Dr. O. basically told me to quit writing everything down, to quit obsessing about everything, and to take my life one day at a time. She said that my nausea and exhaustion probably stems from my stress about everything, and that taking the time to live my life instead of obsessing about my treatment will help me heal more quickly.
So, on that note, I have tried to live the past couple of days in the present, and not obsess about cancer. It's hard, as this pretty much defines who I am at this moment in life. I mean, I am a mom, a daughter, a wife, etc., but right now, I am a cancer patient, working to be a cancer survivor.
It was a tough dose of reality that Dr. O. gave to me. I left the office on the verge of tears, and I don't know why. I came to realize later, as I told Mom and Dad what happened, that I think I haven't given myself the permission to really accept the true reality of my situation. I have cancer. I have a disease that I hadn't planned for. And, now I have to make arrangements in my life for this intrusion.
I haven't been sleeping well, and I think this might be part of the reason. I have spent so much time staying positive and upbeat that I don't think I have really allowed myself to be sad or pissed off or frustrated with the truth. I haven't allowed myself to really accept this. I have given voice to the positive aspect of this, in that I can now become an advocate for colon cancer awareness, research and prevention. But, I haven't dealt with the grim reality of how this has, and will, change my life.
I start tomorrow with my weekly support group at the Wellness Center. I think this will be good for me. I kind of feel that maybe being around other cancer patients will allow me to grieve for the loss of my health. Maybe this will be the point where I give myself permission to be sad for me. I don't know. I think that it is all finally sinking in. I have colon cancer. And, never again in my life will I be able to forget or ignore that fact. My life has changed, forever.
Damn it, cancer sucks.
Comments:
we
love you...
although my anorexia is not cancer, i can share with you that i felt the same type of thing... you are so busy trying to be the perfect patient that you don't get mad at the disease. in my case, it took me taking a hammer (literally) to a scale during a therapy session, and i cannot tell you how many times i had to scream and journal about the ed.
it's okay. scream.
scream into a pillow if you need to.
it helps. allow yourself some time to grieve and be mad and pissed. set a timer, and that is your time to be alone and get pissed and cry and stomp and kick and whatever you need to do. then, you can pick yourself up knowing that you are not alone and that you can beat this thing.
for me, it was a sign of weakness to let the anorexia "get to me" but it already was - it was screwing with my life - my health, my weight, my relationship with my kevin and my family & friends.. so, i had a right to screw with it in any manner i felt. so, it was a sign of strength to take it and show it who is boss.
you know me and we are so much alike when it comes to organization and planning and writing things out... i just blogged about this the other day, when i thought that i had things planned one day and then something happened out of the blue - and it was a good thing - so now i wrote that i promised to use a pencil and not get so caught up in making things "solid".
i don't want to get all religious on you, but it took me a long time to step back and put my faith in God - He already knows every thing that is going to happen. me stressing about it and not sleeping and worrying myself to the point where it is affecting my health was not happening and is unecessary, if you think about it from the perspective that God already has your life taken care of. Give it up to your doctors and to your family and let your faith carry you. it's okay.
we won't let you fall... and we will be there to pick you up if we have to...
group therapy will be an amazing thing and insight and will help you get in touch with all of this and face it head on emotionally (like you are already doing physically) use others. listen. cry. share. you are not alone.
we love you.
although my anorexia is not cancer, i can share with you that i felt the same type of thing... you are so busy trying to be the perfect patient that you don't get mad at the disease. in my case, it took me taking a hammer (literally) to a scale during a therapy session, and i cannot tell you how many times i had to scream and journal about the ed.
it's okay. scream.
scream into a pillow if you need to.
it helps. allow yourself some time to grieve and be mad and pissed. set a timer, and that is your time to be alone and get pissed and cry and stomp and kick and whatever you need to do. then, you can pick yourself up knowing that you are not alone and that you can beat this thing.
for me, it was a sign of weakness to let the anorexia "get to me" but it already was - it was screwing with my life - my health, my weight, my relationship with my kevin and my family & friends.. so, i had a right to screw with it in any manner i felt. so, it was a sign of strength to take it and show it who is boss.
you know me and we are so much alike when it comes to organization and planning and writing things out... i just blogged about this the other day, when i thought that i had things planned one day and then something happened out of the blue - and it was a good thing - so now i wrote that i promised to use a pencil and not get so caught up in making things "solid".
i don't want to get all religious on you, but it took me a long time to step back and put my faith in God - He already knows every thing that is going to happen. me stressing about it and not sleeping and worrying myself to the point where it is affecting my health was not happening and is unecessary, if you think about it from the perspective that God already has your life taken care of. Give it up to your doctors and to your family and let your faith carry you. it's okay.
we won't let you fall... and we will be there to pick you up if we have to...
group therapy will be an amazing thing and insight and will help you get in touch with all of this and face it head on emotionally (like you are already doing physically) use others. listen. cry. share. you are not alone.
we love you.
July
6, 2008 at 9:56 AM
You're
both going to make me cry --- and Michelle I am SO glad you are seeing it now
from this perspective. Every time I read your blog I laugh at the funny things
you say and I cry because I am so sad that this crap is happening to you. Be
pissed off - you have every right to....
And, Jen, what amazing advice. And, I agree 100% with you about just knowing that God already knows the outcome. Michelle - there is nothing you can do to change it - nothing - you just have to live for today and believe that it will all be okay.
Love you both!
And, Jen, what amazing advice. And, I agree 100% with you about just knowing that God already knows the outcome. Michelle - there is nothing you can do to change it - nothing - you just have to live for today and believe that it will all be okay.
Love you both!
July
6, 2008 at 7:49 PM
The
support group I joined when my son had cancer was literally a lifesaver. It was
all that kept the fact that my child had cancer from overtaking the rest of my
life. Good luck and stay strong.
I remember when Joshua (my son) was sick, getting through the day would sometimes be too hard. When that happened, I would make it my goal to make it through the next 4 hours, the next hour, the next 30 minutes, the next 10 minutes, the next 5 minutes, etc. Breaking our cancer life into smaller parts made it more manageable for me. Whatever it took, however many itty bitty portions of time to get through the day. I hope you never have days like that, but if you do, maybe that trick will help you too.
I remember when Joshua (my son) was sick, getting through the day would sometimes be too hard. When that happened, I would make it my goal to make it through the next 4 hours, the next hour, the next 30 minutes, the next 10 minutes, the next 5 minutes, etc. Breaking our cancer life into smaller parts made it more manageable for me. Whatever it took, however many itty bitty portions of time to get through the day. I hope you never have days like that, but if you do, maybe that trick will help you too.
July
7, 2008 at 5:14 AM
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