Consider
me duly humbled, grateful, and scolded. Since my post last night, I have had a
flurry of emails from friends, readers, and the like asking what they can do
for me. I apparently (unknowingly) sent my friends and others on a whirlwind
search for assistance on-line with our problem. I have had people calling and
emailing me all day. All because of one post with the F word.
So, the bottom line is this. I needed to vent. I needed to get things off my
chest in order to be able to deal with them. And, admittedly, I needed people
to help me do that. I did need help. Knowing that my friends dropped everything
to help me the moment I hit "Publish Post" is completely and utterly
overwhelming. You can't even begin to imagine.
Short story - I am feeling better today. Not "walking on sunshine"
great, but I-can-finally-breathe again better. Why? Because I have a plan. It
might not be the best out there, but it's what I have.
I have a meeting tomorrow with a government-certified financial counselor to
try to see if there's anyway to make it through, modify the loan, get a
forbearance, etc. I will (as someone recommended-thanks, WW) make sure to ask
questions and read the fine print and get a lawyer/my mortgage broker involved.
I also am filing paperwork with my mortgage company tomorrow morning to get
their loss mitigation department involved. I may have a potential opportunity
to make money on the side, nights/weekends, from home. That will help.
Regarding the other items, my friend Kevin and I talked through a couple of
things on my budget today, and he gave me some good ideas. So, I will be taking
those into consideration and definitely taking his advice.
I have been given an amazing lesson today. Well, probably several, but one that
I can work through today. I was told today that I'm too damn proud and
stubborn. And, my mom recently told me that I have always been WAY more
independent than she is, almost to a fault. I don't know why this is. I guess I
always feel guilty when people DO for me. I want to do for others - I want to
help in any way that I can. But, when people offer me help, I balk. There are
others out there in MUCH worse situations that I am. We should be helping them.
I felt this way during my cancer, too. Yes, it sucked. Yes, it was awful. But, I
was alive. And, I had a chance at beating it. Others, they didn't have those
luxuries.
However, I have had to learn, VERY QUICKLY, that sometimes, I can't shoulder
the burdens of life by myself. I hate to be a burden to people (sorry,
Kevin...), but it's just how I'm made. I don't want people to have to take care
of me. It pisses me off. But, apparently, this is a time where pride and
dignity have to take a backseat, and I need to accept that sometimes, a helping
hand is the best gift ever.
Wow.
I am so humbled that people think this highly of me. I am flabbergasted that
they feel that I have, along the way, done something that has warranted their
friendship. I don't see what I did to deserve this. But, I intend on going
through the rest of my life paying them back and paying it forward. It's the
very least I can do. I hope that I can, at some point, give someone else the
hope that I have been given, and maybe allow them to sleep a little better,
breathe a little easier, and enjoy their kids laughing one more time.
My friends made me cry three times today. I probably needed that. And, while I
don't know that the solution I want is what's going to happen, I am getting
back to the point where I have faith.
That doesn't mean, by any stretch, that I have forgotten about the conversation
a certain person (ahem, heaven) and I are going to have. I am still angry. I am
still frustrated. Kevin gave me a book in the Bible to read. I don't normally
do this, but I will be tonight. After I work out. :-)
Anyone with time and energy to help me through the emotional/spiritual, let me
know. I can't bring myself to try to start with a new church right now. I may
have to hoof it to the one that helped us out so much at the beginning of
chemo. I need to be with people, and I need to understand certain things. I
have SO many questions, and no answers. I don't like that.
So, the short answer is, I am better than last night. Still upset, depressed,
etc. Not ready to jump out the window anymore (besides, we have a single-story
house - wouldn't do much good anyways), but still not 100%. Kevin - I forgot to
make the call today about the mental health counseling. Hoping tomorrow.
I think that's it. If you are in a similar situation, please please please seek
out help. If you want them, I will send you the information I have been given.
I am trying to wade through it and find what I think would be most helpful -
might not get to it until Friday afternoon, when I should be working but won't
be because of the work reduction. Well, I should put that time to good
use.
Hugs to you all. I can't even put into words what you mean to me.
Comments:
I
didn't know you had a blog until just now when I saw your status on Facebook...
Because I'm late to an appointment, I'll be briefer than my thoughts actually
are, but it will at least prevent the thoughts from being lost forever...
First, I'm glad you're feeling a little better. Frame of mind is everything when
you're dealing with all the shit life throws at you.
Second, as far as receiving help: I was like that, too. I don't want anyone to
help me. I can do it myself. I don't want to be an inconvenience, I don't want
to be a burden, and I don't want to be weak.
And then somewhere along the line (during treatment), I realized: if someone I
was friends with was going through what I'm going through, I would help them
without thinking twice about it. It would not be a burden. It would not be
inconvenient. They would not be weaker for asking or accepting. It's just what
friends do.
I can give you some suggestions on budgeting and all that, if you want. I'll
send them through Facebook, but probably not until the weekend, at which point
I'm likely to forget, so send me a message and remind me :)
I also have had training in effectively creating affirmations and
visualizations (with regards to anything connected to yourself). If you want
info on that, let me know. I know a couple of people who have dug themselves
out of financial holes (over time) using this stuff.
Good luck. Be strong. Have faith.
You asked what this is preparing you for? Just plain ol' living. Just because
you're getting stronger doesn't necessarily mean it's going to do any more than
just be part of you.
June
24, 2009 at 7:56 PM
Hello
:) We don't know each other, but we have a couple of mutual friends. One of
them filled me in on your story today.
First of all, I'm sorry that you have all of this to go through. Cancer is
straight from the pit of hell, in my opinion. I've seen and experienced way too
much to think otherwise.
I also have experience with loosing a home (brand new dream house), a business
(having to file bankrupcy), and having to move to an apartment. It was our
worse case scenario... and honestly, it really wasn't so bad. The apartment
complex had a pool and workout room. :) And the freedom of knowing we could
feed our child AND make our rent payment was actually pretty wonderful. You
quickly forget about what material stuff you might be missing. We discovered it
just wasn't worth it. That time allowed us to regroup and learn from our
mistakes. Nine months later, we were moving into a new home in a starter neighborhood
in the city (though our neighbors are 100x better than the other house in the
new suburban development) and has felt so much more like home than our
"pretty prison" ever did.
I hope this doesn't come off as trite. I don't pretend to know the situation
you're going through. I know our situation was hell for a long time. Years. A
miscarriage, loss of two children, and loss of several close family members and
the failing business took a huge toll on us an our marriage. I doubted God and
his goodness or even his willingness to acknowledge that we were trying as hard
as we could and only seemed to be crushed more. But standing on the other side
now... every bit of that had a purpose in defining who we are now and who we're
able to relate to and help. My husband would not have the job he has not if his
business had not failed.. I would not have learned what I needed to learn to
launch a successful business. And my kids would probably still be in daycare
because we would have still been working tirelessly to pay for stuff we didn't
need anyway. That's our story. Please know that God is still good. His people
still care about you. And you are not alone.
And for additional reading... because I still question God on the cancer
thing... check out David Wenzel's blog:
http://jumpdavidjump.typepad.com/jump_david_jump/
Just found out he has a brain tumor about two weeks ago. Also super young guy.
But has an amazing insight into our Father -- I'm learning so much as he goes
through this...
Best wishes... :) It will be OK. You will thrive through this.
June
24, 2009 at 9:42 PM
Michelle,I
have put you on our Prayer list at Church,believe you are not alone.God is with
you every step of the way,just trust and speak to him and he will listen.He has
gotten you this far he will carry you to better times.You are carrying such a
heavy load you need to put some of it on Our Heavenly Fathers shoulders.There
is all kinds of help sweetie,reach out and grab for it,You deserve peace of
mind and God will find the way for you.
"Though I walk in the midst of trouble,You will revive me;You will stretch
out Your hand Against the wrath of my enemies,And Your right hand will save
me."Psalms138;7....I love you sweetie.God watch over this special daughter
of yours,she is in need of Your help Lord,You have been carrying her for some
time, Please Lord get her through these hard times and let her see you are the
way.In Jesus name Amen.
June
25, 2009 at 5:15 AM
