Got a
call from my drs office yesterday afternoon. They called with the results of my
recent blood work. She said that my levels were normal, and they'll see me on
Wednesday - um, nope - wait a minute lady - what exactly were my levels?
(Anyone that is battling or has battled this disease understands the obsession
with the CEA levels and those numbers.....)
My CEA level is at 1.5. This had me worried because it was at 1.3 in January. Hmmmm. I freaked out, naturally, and proceeded to call my friend Anne, who is a 5 year colon cancer survivor. She assured me that this was totally normal, and I should really only worry if I see a jump of whole numbers - if my numbers jump, for example, to 5.6.
While I feel better knowing this is normal, it brings to light for me the fact that this cancer could indeed rear it's ugly head without my knowledge. It could come back, with a vengence, and take control of my body, and all the while, I'm not aware of it. That's terrifying! My God - I have done what I can to try to kill this thing, and yet, those little bastards are still in there. I feel like I should be having more chemo, fighting off the cancer cells. I want, desperately, to do anything and everything I can to kick this thing in the ass so hard that it CAN'T come back. I want to kill it, pummel it and beat it and strangle it and make it suffer endlessly, then eradicate it from my body forever, and I'm not a particularly violent person (in spite of my love for hockey and rugby....).
I think this just makes me take a step back, look at where I was, how far I have come, and where I am going. It reaffirms for me that, while I like to think I'm in control, I'm not. I don't like it, but there you go. I have control over how I handle the disease - I don't have control over the disease. It sucks, but there you go.
So, I am anxiously waiting for the doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon so I can grill Dr O about the numbers, what's normal, when I need to worry, what I can do in the meantime to help my body combat this cancer, etc. I want to feel like I am doing something, and I don't think there's anything more I can do.
Is this why they say that sometimes, it's harder to deal with your cancer AFTER you're done with chemo? This isn't fair - I thought the hard part was over.
Stupid cancer. DAMN cancer. F*** THE CANCER!!!
My CEA level is at 1.5. This had me worried because it was at 1.3 in January. Hmmmm. I freaked out, naturally, and proceeded to call my friend Anne, who is a 5 year colon cancer survivor. She assured me that this was totally normal, and I should really only worry if I see a jump of whole numbers - if my numbers jump, for example, to 5.6.
While I feel better knowing this is normal, it brings to light for me the fact that this cancer could indeed rear it's ugly head without my knowledge. It could come back, with a vengence, and take control of my body, and all the while, I'm not aware of it. That's terrifying! My God - I have done what I can to try to kill this thing, and yet, those little bastards are still in there. I feel like I should be having more chemo, fighting off the cancer cells. I want, desperately, to do anything and everything I can to kick this thing in the ass so hard that it CAN'T come back. I want to kill it, pummel it and beat it and strangle it and make it suffer endlessly, then eradicate it from my body forever, and I'm not a particularly violent person (in spite of my love for hockey and rugby....).
I think this just makes me take a step back, look at where I was, how far I have come, and where I am going. It reaffirms for me that, while I like to think I'm in control, I'm not. I don't like it, but there you go. I have control over how I handle the disease - I don't have control over the disease. It sucks, but there you go.
So, I am anxiously waiting for the doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon so I can grill Dr O about the numbers, what's normal, when I need to worry, what I can do in the meantime to help my body combat this cancer, etc. I want to feel like I am doing something, and I don't think there's anything more I can do.
Is this why they say that sometimes, it's harder to deal with your cancer AFTER you're done with chemo? This isn't fair - I thought the hard part was over.
Stupid cancer. DAMN cancer. F*** THE CANCER!!!
Comments:
Jill said...
Just
wanted to give you a great big hug!
April
21, 2009 at 2:50 PM
Oh
my ... the fear after treatment is difficult to deal with ... I sometimes
wonder what is worst ... the treatment or not having it.
April
21, 2009 at 7:39 PM
My
surgical oncologist told me that anything under a 5 is normal. I would think
that anyone off the street could have a 1.5 and be normal.
I read somewhere that cancer is just other types of cells that have mutated.
This waiting it out for five years is going to be difficult!
I read somewhere that cancer is just other types of cells that have mutated.
This waiting it out for five years is going to be difficult!
April
22, 2009 at 7:00 AM
Aww...
every single time Joshua says he has a headache or throws up I literally have
to stop myself from immediately scheduling and MRI, and he's 5 years past
diagnosis!!
Hang in there.
Hang in there.
April
22, 2009 at 7:10 AM
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