Well,
today is Friday. It's odd - I have to keep looking at the calendar and crossing
off each day to keep track of my weeks. I used to be able to use work as a
calendar - you know, Monday through Friday, you are aware of what day it is by
the tasks you have to do. And, to some extent, I used to be able to tell the
day by what Julia had going at school. Was it library day? Specials? Pizza day?
:-)
However, my days now revolve around appointments. Do I have an oncologist appointment? Chemo? A lab appointment? An appointment with the nap-fairy? I used to use my DayTimer as a guide more than anything - it was something I carried with me, and used occasionally to book drs appts for the kids, to track my team's vacation, etc. Now, my DayTimer is like a lifeline, helping me keep track of everything from phone numbers and contact information to what day it is. I looked at the monthly calendar today - it's been 3 weeks today since my world turned completely and totally upside down. Holy crap.
How is it that one test can change your life. This cancer has completely modified my entire outlook, my entire viewpoint, and my entire being. It has redefined who I am. While I am still Michelle, wife, mother, daughter, sister, full-time employee, student, and friend, I have added a new title to that list - Cancer Patient. I never, ever expected that I would have to deal with something like this. I kind of assumed, like I think most people do, that this happens to other people. That this can't, won't happen to me or mine. I mean, why would I think that it would happen to us? We have very little cancer history in our family, and most of that can be traced back to enviromental causes (think workplaces in the 40s, 50s and 60s). However, BOOM, fate deals us this blow when we are finally taking a deep breath and enjoying the life we have built.
Really, things were finally going so well for us. I had a great job, one that I loved, was challenged in, and finally felt like I was making a difference to the team. Our kids are healthy, happy and thriving. They are well-behaved, funny, and love one another and us unconditionally. My husband and I have had our ups and downs in our marriage, but we are finally at a place together that I think both of us have strived for - we were not only married to one another, but we were married to our best friends. We had finally settled down - after 7 years of moving ALL THE TIME, we just bought a house. And then, the other foot dropped.
So, I guess this post is more a reflection of how your life can change in a moment, with no notice whatsoever. I have had to reevaluate my life, and reprioritize things. Until I beat this and get to the other side, and some sense of "normalcy", I have to make beating colon cancer my top concern. I am lucky to have friends and family that are supporting me and my family. Knowing that the kids are taken care of, are fed and dressed and loved; knowing that Levi has someone helping him with everthing; knowing that the little things are being handled - it all makes my ability to focus on recovery that much easier. And, that's what it's going to take. Because, for the first time in my life, certainly since I had kids, I have to make ME my number one concern. If I don't, this thing is going to find a way to beat me. And, since that isn't an option, here's comes the fight. I am going to kick this cancer's ass (as a friend told me, I should make that my mantra, since the cancer invaded my ass), and I am going to start 2009 as a cancer survivor, not a cancer patient. That's my goal. 2009 - here I come. Are you ready?
It's funny - I love the holiday season. There is something so magical about that time of year. People are a little nicer, there is a tinge of sweetness in the air that doesn't exist at other times, and there is an innocent joy in the anticipation of Santa coming. I have always cherished the Christmas and New Year's season, and this year's will be especially sweet. Those of you who know me well know that I relish in the New Year's celebration. Being a New Yorker at heart, the New Year's Eve Celebration isn't the same without watching the ball drop, seeing Dick Clark on TV, and having someone to kiss at midnight. This year, I can't wait for New Years'. It's going to feel like a dream come true.
However, my days now revolve around appointments. Do I have an oncologist appointment? Chemo? A lab appointment? An appointment with the nap-fairy? I used to use my DayTimer as a guide more than anything - it was something I carried with me, and used occasionally to book drs appts for the kids, to track my team's vacation, etc. Now, my DayTimer is like a lifeline, helping me keep track of everything from phone numbers and contact information to what day it is. I looked at the monthly calendar today - it's been 3 weeks today since my world turned completely and totally upside down. Holy crap.
How is it that one test can change your life. This cancer has completely modified my entire outlook, my entire viewpoint, and my entire being. It has redefined who I am. While I am still Michelle, wife, mother, daughter, sister, full-time employee, student, and friend, I have added a new title to that list - Cancer Patient. I never, ever expected that I would have to deal with something like this. I kind of assumed, like I think most people do, that this happens to other people. That this can't, won't happen to me or mine. I mean, why would I think that it would happen to us? We have very little cancer history in our family, and most of that can be traced back to enviromental causes (think workplaces in the 40s, 50s and 60s). However, BOOM, fate deals us this blow when we are finally taking a deep breath and enjoying the life we have built.
Really, things were finally going so well for us. I had a great job, one that I loved, was challenged in, and finally felt like I was making a difference to the team. Our kids are healthy, happy and thriving. They are well-behaved, funny, and love one another and us unconditionally. My husband and I have had our ups and downs in our marriage, but we are finally at a place together that I think both of us have strived for - we were not only married to one another, but we were married to our best friends. We had finally settled down - after 7 years of moving ALL THE TIME, we just bought a house. And then, the other foot dropped.
So, I guess this post is more a reflection of how your life can change in a moment, with no notice whatsoever. I have had to reevaluate my life, and reprioritize things. Until I beat this and get to the other side, and some sense of "normalcy", I have to make beating colon cancer my top concern. I am lucky to have friends and family that are supporting me and my family. Knowing that the kids are taken care of, are fed and dressed and loved; knowing that Levi has someone helping him with everthing; knowing that the little things are being handled - it all makes my ability to focus on recovery that much easier. And, that's what it's going to take. Because, for the first time in my life, certainly since I had kids, I have to make ME my number one concern. If I don't, this thing is going to find a way to beat me. And, since that isn't an option, here's comes the fight. I am going to kick this cancer's ass (as a friend told me, I should make that my mantra, since the cancer invaded my ass), and I am going to start 2009 as a cancer survivor, not a cancer patient. That's my goal. 2009 - here I come. Are you ready?
It's funny - I love the holiday season. There is something so magical about that time of year. People are a little nicer, there is a tinge of sweetness in the air that doesn't exist at other times, and there is an innocent joy in the anticipation of Santa coming. I have always cherished the Christmas and New Year's season, and this year's will be especially sweet. Those of you who know me well know that I relish in the New Year's celebration. Being a New Yorker at heart, the New Year's Eve Celebration isn't the same without watching the ball drop, seeing Dick Clark on TV, and having someone to kiss at midnight. This year, I can't wait for New Years'. It's going to feel like a dream come true.
Comments:
Nancy said...
Making
you number one right now is the most important thing you can do. my brother in
law thought of his throat cancer as a monster that took over his body and his
fight was to kick it out.well yes yours took over your butt butttttttt it didnt
get much ( you still have the most) and you will kick its butt.and it will be
your butt that wins sweetie.Your strong and if anything like your mom, your
bull headed enough to win with flying colors.it 2009 will come in,in a big
way.God Bless you in your fight he is with you all the time.Love aunt nancy
June
13, 2008 at 10:36 AM
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